Monday, December 14, 1998

Scribes: December 24, 1998

G'day Mate,

I'm writing to complain. Do you know how lucky you are to live in England?? Here down under in Australia, we get jerked around all the time. With magazines, for example. In Australia there is one N64 magazine. In England there are thousands. We get English magazines about one and a half months after they are meant to come out, so they preview a game that is already out. Anyway. Just complaining. I am a vivid lover of all your games - in fact I have all of them (except Blast Corps, that's crap) and I think you need a congrats. Well done. Now I have a question. Are you lying about the "All Bond" cheat for Goldeneye? I reckon you are. I'm one of those poor saps that has finally completed Goldeneye, but has one space left on his cheat list. What's doin'? I have also finished Diddy Kong, Banjo (apart from stupid old Mumbo) and all my other ten games. I feel that a bit of leeway should be given to us disadvantaged Rare lovers living in Australia. Ever since the days when I saved all my pennys and went and bought a Sega Master System II, I have been a lover for consoles. But I feel the Nintendo has let me down with a lot of sh*****t games such as Clay Fighter, Ice Hockey Golf, etc. Please. You should know the capabilities of the N64. Please, make my expensive purchase a worthwile one.


Rare Says:

You completely lost me about two thirds of the way through the letter. What was it you wanted us to do, exactly?

Sorry about the cack mag situation, but we haven't really got "thousands" over here either (I make it more like four or five) - and I can't say I've ever heard of
Ice Hockey Golf, but it sounds brilliant. Surprising nobody thought of it sooner. As for the All Bonds code, much as I'd love to tell you some stupid lie about how to access it and then immediately resign, it's probably easier in the long run just to shake my head wearily and reiterate: it was taken out because we didn't really fancy getting our arses sued off.

Dear Mr. Scribe,

While I must admit that TipTup is a groovy driver, and that he is the best turtle I have ever seen, he doesn't deserve his own game. Why? Because we'd have to listen to his Mr. Bean-style "AAARGH" every time he gets hit. And when he runs he looks like a plonker as well.

It is obvious that Mumbo Jumbo isn't a Jinjo (backed up by earlier arguments) or a Kremling (how would a crocodile fit its snout in that mask) but is in fact a clever design of wireframe computer graphics with interesting textures laid over the top, and a little story to go behind him. There you go.

AND this is coming from someone who takes game stories far too seriously. For instance...

If Mario fought Donkey Kong, Donkey Kong became Cranky Kong, Cranky Kong lives with the new Donkey Kong, Donkey is buds with Diddy, Diddy races with Conker and Banjo, does this mean that Mario and Banjo come from the same world? See what I mean about too serious.

And that's it.
Super Markio
PS. Arse is a great word. Up with arse (hehehe). And you should use the word 'figgin' more often. And 'plum' and other words that mean nothing to people outside of this nutty country that we come from. Bwahaha. Flan, Monkey, Cheese (the best word) Green!!!!

Rare Says:

'Figgin' is hopelessly outdated, and 'plum' is only really effective in plural form. Arse, however, is timeless, and operates without a hitch in any form or tense you'd care to name.

Who's to say Mario or Banjo (or even Cranky, or one of the others) didn't unwittingly fall through a dimensional rift at some point in the past? There's no guarantees in the world of videogames - especially when all the characters and places are totally fabricated in the first place, you strange boy.

Oh look! Feedback on all that date-writing malarkey...

Dear Scribes,

In reference to your confusion regarding the American numerical date format (12/1/98), I offer this simple exercise to clarify the situation:

Say "December 1st, 1998." Say it out loud. Get a feel for it.

Now try "The 1st of December, 1998." Give it a few tries.

One of these phrases sounds right and natural, doesn't it? It rolls off the tongue. The other is stilted and weird.

Now write both of these phrases in a purely numerical format. Look at that! The preferred phraseology matches the American numerical format precisely! Just another example of Yankee ingenuity from the plucky ex-colonials who brought you the microchip, the atomic bomb, and spam (both kinds).
Umm ... Err ... The Sparkling Witty Nom de Guerre Guy

Dear Scribes,

I'll have to agree with you Leigh on the date order writing debate. It makes no sense to me to write the month, day, year in that order. I've always been writing it starting with the day. Furthermore, in French (my first language), we write the full date this way: 2 dcembre 1998. So it makes even more sense to me to write it starting with the day.

"Lawl. Hillo scriberz."

Uh, as for the date order thing, I believe it has to do with the way the dates come out verbally. Well, in English, people say, for example, "August 15, 1998" verbally, so it makes sense to put it in the m/d/y, the same order, right? Then in other languages, say, Spanish, they say "Uno de noviembre" ... different order there. Heh. I think the same applies to about every other European language. I guess the Brits put it in that order for the sake of consistency. With the rest of Europe. C'mon, they caved in on the metric system, they did this, too. Right? Right? On the other hand, Americans like myself are waaaay to stubborn to accept anything weird and scary like a new measurement or date ordering system. Hehe... I'm ever so smart.
- S-U-P-E-R CodeGuy Ty

Rare Says:

I suppose the verbally-ordered argument does have something going for it. Bah. If I wasn't so dim I might have thought of that myself. Then again, the d/m/y arrangement is used verbally in some places as well (I use 'em both, myself), so I still think that makes more sense in general - but then of course I'm appallingly biased. Let's start a more interesting discussion before we get sociologists and stuff writing in. Any suggestions? The only one I've got is about
Bagpuss, and that'd be lost on 98% of you.


I don't think Small Gods was uncharacteristically lethargic, as all of the books by Terry Pratchett which I own are just as lethargic as each other, they just sit around my flat all day, I can't induce them to do anything.

Plus, the whole Aeschylus thing was just a ruse to sell BS-conforming crash helmets to balding, old-world poets with one hand.
PS - How can I turn the gore on in Word Perfect?

Rare Says:

Surely you've noticed
The Colour of Magic's tendency to fall down stairs and trip over while carrying big cakes?

I don't think setting up the turtle scam would have worked all that well - I mean, if it had happened to someone else first, I bet Aeschylus would have told the crash helmet salesmen he wasn't about to let anything so stupid happen to him...

(PS If the gore doesn't come up automatically, you must have got a faulty version.)

Dear Scribes,

My two children are driving me crazy over this question: WHAT IS THE *&#X@~F) NAME OF THE STUPID PINK SQUIRREL SLEEPING WITH NABNUT IN THE WINTER PART OF CLICK CLOCK WOODS IN BK?!! I know where you live. Answer this question or I will put my kids on the next flight to ask you in person. You won't like what you look like with gray hair, not to mention how ridiculous you will look wearing a straight jacket to your inane company Christmas party. So answer it or suffer the consequences.
Amber Ferguson

Rare Says:

If only you'd been at our Xmas party, you'd have seen how ridiculous we all looked. But I'll ask the team anyway...

"It's obvious that she's Mrs. Nabnut! Alternatively, to calm your kids down, tell 'em that she's called Nibblenut or something else with 'nut' on the end."

Alright Mr. Scribes,

I'm not sure how you're gonna handle this but I'm onto your little conspricy <---(spelling). Your whole Scribes section is a sham! No one can send in letters that interesting. It appears each and every letter plays right into your hands, BUT THAT'S NOT RIGHT! So my only conclusion is that you my friend are the lost sole sending in all these letters and then answering yourself. You take it as a personal release. Inside you can't decipher if you love or hate Tip Tup, and chances are Rare wouldn't hand delicate information on DKC64 over to you so you just make it all up. Don't deny it! REPENT! Turn from your evil ways! Using our life energy to tame your inner self is not morally right! It just ain't!

If you feel it's time to release the truth then print this for the whole gaming world to see, you oaf!

Rare Says:

Oaf, am I? That stings. Anyway, for your theory to hold true I'd also have to be responsible for this letter, and I'd rather shoot myself in the face than be seen to spell 'soul' as 'sole' in front of thousands of people.

It's true about the delicate information, though. Nobody tells me anything. So stop asking for PD movies and DKC64 screenshots, you heartless sods.

So yeah.

You guys are pretty good at games, I reckon. Surely you must be tempted into expansion into new areas. Churn out 1 top quality RPG per year, and you would make most N64 lovers happy for a very long time. I am about to finish Zelda64, and like everyone else that has had the good fortune to play it, I am amazed.

It really is head and shoulders above everything else on the system, would you not agree? I know you guys have got your Goldeneyes, DKR's and Banjo Kazooies, and very nice they are too. But cmon! This game, it must scare the living daylights (do I need a Bond license to say that) out of all other developers on the machine (yourselves included, deep down in places you don't want to talk about at parties.......!).

How can it be topped? Now I know you've got PD in the works and DK64 or whatever it's called (tell the truth, you haven't even started it yet, have you?!), along with JFG and Conker 12 Tales or whatever it's called (I've read its JFG in disguise btw, an internet rumour perhaps?) but ZELDA64?!!!! I reckon you lot should play it, finish it, then close Rare down, move to Wales and take up sheep shearing, along with everyone else developing on N64........

Oh, before I long (approx.) do you think it's going to take to finish JFG with all secrets and everything? Thanks very much.....
The Youth

Rare Says:
Are you having a pop at the Welsh, pal? I'll take you all on.

RPGs: Unless we put absolutely everyone in the company on it, I doubt it'd be possible to get a 'top quality' RPG together in just one year.
Zelda: Of course it's good. What did you expect? Certainly a benchmark if we ever do release an RPG. JFG: I'd ask the designer, but he's gone home for Christmas. I know he intends to get plenty of use out of each and every level, though...

Dear Scribes,

I have written you Englishmen before and you changed my "Dear Scribes" to "Dear Uncle Tusk" and sent it to the barbarian's letters page. I know I should have sent it to Tusk in the first place since it was a letter about getting help on DKR. (Yes? And? - Ed.)

I am Jason W. and the point of this letter (if you would consider it a point) is to let and Eric Rosenlund know that I am agreeing with Rare in the Tip Tup debate. In some letters about Tip Tup I'm getting the impression that some people think that he is the second fastest racer to Pipsi. I would like to clarify that acceleration is how fast you pick up speed, not how fast you go. I have to admit I used to think so too! Since Mr. Rosenlund has written you at least twice, I know he will be reading this. I am annoyed at him for obvious reasons but just to make sure everybody knows what I'm talking about is because he started the load of letters about Tip Tup being so cool. I am going to hit Tip Tup with that stupid remote control (the sharp end of course) of his, which he talked about in both of his letters!

Also, Sir Slush 2 sends in letters that could not be more annoying (except for this one of course.) For example, Mumbo Jumbo being a Kremling is even more ridiculous than being a Jinjo! I'm not supporting the Jinjo rumor one bit, but a Kremling?! I don't think so!

Oh, and another thing. I hope this doesn't start another crazy debate like the Tip Tup one, but you should make a game about Mumbo Jumbo where he is out to rescue Banjo and Kazooie or something. Since Mumbo has magic, there would be lots of awesome moves to learn. See, at least I have a GOOD reason to want a game about my favourite character that says eeeeeeecum booooooocum. I mean a reason other than HE RUKES!!!!!1!!1!!

And now, the moment we've all been waiting for. THE ENGLISH LESSON!!! Ow, sow youer sayin that wood bee a badd ideea? Me thinq it wood reely edjucait hour reeders! (And boy, do we need that!) Ow wel thenn, me gess u shood saiv that forr Mr. Pants! How about trying to get my letter printed by doing something stupid? You mean the letter is already stupid enough??!!! I didn't use the word arse enough though! OK here goes. Arse! Arse! Arse!! Arse!! Arse!!! Arse!!! Arse!!!! Arse!!!! (Wasn't that lovely?)
Jason W. a.k.a. The DKR Man

Rare Says:

Mumbo Jumbo also provides an eloquent discourse on the origin of the species if you enter a secret code into the sandcastle. Go on, write to me asking if it's true. Go on, I dare you.

In what way are you "agreeing with Rare" on the Tiptup debate? We haven't said anything - we just think it's funny to sit back and watch you lot slug it out over the merits of a made-up character...

Dear Scribes,

In the December 1st edition of Scribes, the unthinkable occured. Two people wrote in and sadly bashed Tiptup! A TMNT throwback? Oh please! Tiptup is also not "filler". I'm not saying Tiptup is a god as some people may think I'm trying to say, but he's a great character! If you guys aren't making DKR 2 (as Uncle Tusk mentioned in his latest collection of "stuff"), and Tiptup WON'T be starring in a game of his own, what kind of future is that for this little turtle? He will have a cameo in ONE measly game for 1999 (Donkey Kong Country 64? Please?), but that's not enough! We need Tiptup merchandise, from hats to shirts to talking bean bag critters to nicotine patches....THINK OF THE OPPORTUNITY! He may be a goofy character, but look at Mario! He's even goofier! I've recently gone back and started playing DKR with Tiptup, and let me say, he IS the best character (not to say Diddy isn't, but for the sake of the argument, let's say he IS).

So is Tiptup doomed to be thrown in the Rare death row along with the Battletoads and Killer Instinct fighters? Please don't give him the same fate! I can tell you are not very thrilled at the idea of Tiptup's very own game (whoever YOU may be), but it's what the public wants right now. So what? Two people wrote in and bashed the little guy. They are so far outnumbered. Why, Tiptup WILL get his own game, if I have to move to Twycross, make some fast money gambling in a pub, and buy your company. Tiptup is the future. Tiptup is the hope. Tiptup is the power. Remember that fellow Tiptupians, ALWAYS!

Rare Says:

There's only one pub in Twycross, and experience leads me to doubt that it plays home to illegal underground gambling dens. Still, best of luck if you want to give it a try.

The fact that we're not currently working on
DKR2 doesn't mean that DKR's characters won't pop up elsewhere, does it? Don't worry, it's pretty certain that we haven't seen the last of Tiptup yet.

Nintendo are the people who deal with merchandising, though they wouldn't have anything to do with my Blast Corps motion-sensing RDU lava lamp that goes "Woow" and lights up when you walk into the room. I know, I've mentioned that before. I can't help it. It eats at my soul.

Dear Scribes,

On the box for Banjo-Kazooie, Banjo is holding a PURPLE Jinjo! If I'm correct, there are five Jinjos-Yellow, Pink, Blue, Green, and Orange. No Purple. I think we have a stowaway here...

Oh, and another thing, what is this thing with Pipsy's eyelashes? Sometimes they're there, sometimes they aren't. I'm just supposing that she has fake ones and will only wear them inside the game. No matter how hard she tries, she won't be that pretty, but still... Having them is a step in the right direction.
Christie Shepherd

Rare Says:

I put this to the B-K designer, who in turn cranked up Rare's trusty Automated Response Selection Equipment (ARSE), which blurted the following:

"The Jinjo is purple because he fell into Grunty's 'All Jinjos Must Be Purple' machine. Banjo rescued him and will scrub him clean at some point (which can't be seen on the box art) so that he can rejoin his normally-coloured friends." There you go. "Either that or the artist is colour blind," it added unnecessarily.

And common speculation has it that Pipsy only uses her eyelashes to attract Tiptup, who she fancies rotten (probably).

Dear Scribes,

I am writing to rebut Ice Cream Man's claim that no one wants PD (Nov 2 Scribes).

Hey, Vanilla Ice, or whatever your name was, What game got the award for Game of the Year at the British Academy of Film and Television Arts? Huh? GOLDENEYE, which I agree is the best game ever. Then you said in your letter and I quote "...But it has the Goldeneye engine right? WRONG! Sure it has the engine..." Let's ponder this, you said "it has the Goldeneye engine right? Wrong! Sure it has the engine." Now there's a paradox.

PD is based on the Greatest game in the world's engine, and you have the nerve to say that no one wants it? How much fun would a TipTup game be where.., and I quote again, "TipTup an agent, side by side with Timber? Out to rescue Diddy or something." What a horrible and despicable idea. Why would anyone want to be a small racing turtle out to save some monkey? PD has potential, your little detective game is dumb. How many more games can the gaming industry make where you try to save a monkey? How many Donkey Kongs were there? (Donkey Diddy TipTup Banjo, Stop with the monkeys) Save the monkey here and save the monkey there. Ahhhh. Use people, like Bond--One of my personal favorites, or some girl named Joanna-- And... How can you compare a game, that is based on the greatest game's engine, {and is the second in the only Spyfi series which Rare started and is taking off like my Dog after you shoot him in the arse (sorry, I just had to include arse)} to a game about a small turtle? Pffffffft.

If Rare went around making games, solely based on a single character of one game, then they would have to make a lot more games. How many people think that Oddjob (or any other character in the Bond game), is cool. Oh here's an Idea Rare, why don't you make a game where Oddjob is an agent next to Bond, and they go around trying to save some monkeys or something?

You said that Rare lost all your Ideas up their ass. Well, that's the only good place for them. I say (along with hordes of other people who liked Goldeneye and want PD) that PD would and will be 10 times better than TipTup 009 the super agent. PD will be great, and will make Rare more money than your little TipTup 009, super hero, agent that saves monkeys. So there Mr. Ice Cream Man. Thanks for your time Rare. Keep up the good work.
John Knight Greer, SC/USA

Rare Says:

On seeing this, the GoldenEye/PD designer looked a bit bemused and said "I think people take things too seriously." Nonetheless, your heartfelt defence is appreciated, sir. To rest your worries, bear in mind that we now have enough development teams here to avoid a situation where we're forced to prioritise genres - we can happily work in several at a time, and ultimately satisfy as many people as possible. Like Robin Askwith.

Dear Rareware,

I'm sooooooooooooooooooo sorry. I didn't mean to shout. I'm reeeeeeeeeally soooooooooooooooorry.

That's too bad about the music. I really like it, that's all.

Hey, do you guys mind Americans using your slang? I give you permission to use ours any time you want. I really like arse. And Bloody. Bloody Arse.

Good News!(?) They have me on a 24-hour IV drip of Banjo-Kazooie to get me un-addicted. I tried to go cold-turkey, but the withdrawal syptoms caused me to create horrible artwork of various game characters being tragically mutilated. You'll be getting my medical bills in the mail. (Oops, I forgot to put on the postage).

Hmmm. This letter isn't yet long enough...... oh, I know what I can do........ (Sung to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star")

Shut-up, shut-up, Tiptup Fans.

You should be beat with soda cans.

How can you raise that turtle high?

I'd like to watch him burn and fry.

Shut-up, shut-up Tiptup goons

Why don't you shave a baboon


"Thank you, Thank you, oh I'm not worthy of your applause. Thank you..."
Amanda Schroeder
PS. When can I expect Banjo-Tooie to course through my veins?

Rare Says:

I hope your mother's not reading this, with you swearing all over the place like that. (By the way, could you fill us in on any particularly crude slang that we might be interested in?)

There's still no solid release date for Banjo-Tooie, and there probably won't be one until much nearer its heartily generalised target zone of 4th quarter '99. Er, sorry.

Dear perfectly normal people at Rare,

I do so enjoy reading your site and laughing uncontrollably at the lovely hidden messages. It's nice to see that you bag your own characters. I also do enjoy playing your high-quality manufactured games, and have an idea for one.

Do you remember a British comic strip character called 'Mickey the Mouth', who, to my utter surprise, talked rather loudly? I believe that he would make an amusing, if not interesting charater to play a game with. Imagine running around a resturant, going up to a person and saying PASS THE SALT THANKS MATE which is followed by violent earthquakes and other cataclysmic effects. Anyway, take it into consideration.

My absolute favourite game out of your vast library would have to be Banjo-Kazooie. Not for the fantastic gameplay, or the cameo appearance of the great and all-knowing Tiptup, but for another reason. A certain item in Wozza's cave that Kazooie would like to stick somewhere, most likely a keyhole. That's right, it's your favourite item and mine, the spinning polygonal key. Please include this object into future games, as I do so enjoy spinning objects. The jiggies really fascinated me, but nothing thrilled me more than watching the spinning polygonal key completing its vast circluar motion. Once I receive Banjo-Tooie, I will not even pick up the key to unlock secrets: I will leave it in peace, for it to spin forever more.

I know it's a bit much to ask, but in Banjo-Tooie, could you please make all enemies spin constantly? If that is too much to ask, then just a 'Museum of Spinning Objects' would be fine. I would enjoy so seeing more objects spin. Perhaps you could put Mickey the Mouth in the museum and cause him to spin... but I'm babbling. Enjoy your stay in the exciting land of internet connection, where people like me are just a click away.
Ben Kosmina
PS, Please look out for my soon to be released book - 'Spinning Polygonal Keys and How They Affect Society (for the Better)'

Rare Says:

Yes, that's right. We always try to include as many spinning objects as possible in our games, being acutely aware of their fundamental importance in society. (Peers out from under table.) Right, I think he's gone now.

And nobody I've asked remembers Mickey The Mouth. Are we all too young, or too old, or just too tightly ensnared in the grip of mainstream culture, or what? Or have you just made it up and I've been making a complete arse of myself by asking people about it?

Ye Great and Revered Scribes,

Exactly what feat of greatness must be performed by Banjo/Kazooie to break the curse on Mumbo Jumbo? It says somewhere (game or manual, most likely manual) that Grunty cursed him for some reason (helping jinjos or whatever) and put that skull (mask?) on his face. Also, the scales could be included if he were a jinjo. Jinjos have magical powers, and what else from that reality could he be, really? I don't think he's a kremling. A pink kremling with partial scales? That would have to be some curse. I think that either he or other jinjos would have acknowledged the poor shaman if he were one, however. Then again, none of the jinjos have displayed an ability to talk (I assumed the messages atop the tower was magical communication, not actual speech, like Obi-Wan saying 'Use the force, Luke!' only less literal). However, Mumbo can talk... perhaps the skull face gives him proper articulatory organs? Whoa, too much thought on this subject. Anyway, since answers to these questions have not seemed to be forthcoming, could you just tell us exactly what revenge we must exact on Grunty to get the good old Mumbo we never knew back?Also, I don't have any problems with TipTup. I like TipTup, he kind of stays in the back and doesn't try to make waves, I don't think he'd be comfortable making his own game. However, I do think he's in prime position to be a 'running joke' (not offensively, it's a documented style of humour) cameo character. He could appear to some extent in every Rare game afterward (other than those like GE or PD, with 'realistic' themes). I think that is the legacy TipTup would like to leave behind. And 'humour' is spelled right, for any American simpletons. Not to imply that all Americans are simple, but a larger population leaves us a bigger pool of dumblings to delve into and stereotype with, eh?

Yours when the Empire allows,
TK421 The underpaid, Canadian stormtrooper

Rare Says:

Undaunted by the fact that we've answered this question many times before, I turned to B-K's designer for the latest excuse:

"Oh no! Rumbled! Mumbo's not a Kremling, he's actually Donkey Kong! We were hoping to use the same characters and backgrounds from B-K for
Wonky Donkey Vs. Giddy Diddy In Crazy Kremling Capers 64 (probably not the final name). Damn! That means we're going to have do some work after all.

"In addition, you must remember that Mumbo without his mask would look 'a bit crap' (official artist's opinion), so he'll probably never lose it. Maybe."

Dear Scribes,

OK Rare, although this letter might make you think otherwise, I AM one of your biggest fans, and that's why I have to write this letter of Criticism. After all, it's the real fans who will tell you what you can do to make your games better right?? Anyway, I'm sending this letter on game violence to you because it doesn't really fit into your forum thread. I have a problem with some of your games. I understand that you make your games more or less non-violent so that they are enjoyable for everyone, young and old. But, I see a slight problem with doing things that way. See, anyone who is really into games and visits the web pages and buys the magazines to stay informed will know that Banjo is a top-notch game and go out and get it despite its cute look. But let me present 2 scenarios to you. 1. Mother goes into store with intent of buying a new game for her young child. She looks at Banjo-Kazooie, thinks that would be a fun, non-violent romp of a game, and gets it. They get home and the kid loves the game, at first. See, you make your games so cute that they appeal to the very young, but so challenging that no one that little would be able to beat it!!! So, the mother seeing that her kid is just getting frustrated with the game, is an unhappy customer. Scenario 2. a 20-something guy walks into a game store to get a new game. He likes his games sure, but he never really takes the time to read the magazines to know what's good and what's not. he's more of a casual gamer. So, cruising the aisle, he's looking for a fun, challenging, yet "cool" game. He glances at Banjo, passes it up and gets Turok 2 (a good game too). Now, of course, you and me both know that Banjo is a very good game and I'm totally happy with it, but I know that a large percentage of games fall into one of those 2 categories, And especially for the N64, you're going to see the mother-child thing going on often. In conclusion, why do you make your games so cute that they appeal to the very young but are so hard (for them) that they'll never get very far? Or on the other hand, so cute that it alienates the older casual gamers because they think it would be too simplistic? Anyway, I wish you the best of luck for the future, and no matter how cute they are, WE know they are top-notch games.
Justin Davis
PS. I asked my friends who have a N64 what they thought of Banjo. Most thought it was a gay game, and laughed at me for getting it. I loaned it to them, and they totally changed their mind, and now many are thinking about getting it. So I know this does go on...

Rare Says:

The international success of B-K and DKR should be proof enough that most gamers are educated enough to know what to expect from a game - it's only impulse buyers and members of the blindly anti-cute camp who might dismiss them out of hand, and if these people are happy to miss out on hundreds of great games through ignorance or narrow-mindedness, that's their choice, but they're never going to get the most from the videogames market.

While we can understand your concerns, there's little doubt that had B-K been made any easier, the number of angry older gamers left feeling cheated would have far outweighed any far younger players we would have gained from it, who probably enjoyed the game as it currently stands anyway. We don't feel as if we let any age group down with the final version - it's not as if the younger generation were incapable of making
any progress through it. You're probably underestimating just how accomplished the majority of them are...

Dear Scribes,

I was checking out your page the other day and I saw that Goldeneye duck you had posted and thought why don't you guys make a game about a Goldeneye duck, since it's obvious you like to make games about cute and adorable animals. Maybe you could stick a silencer up his butt or something so when he fires eggs they wouldn't make any noise or somthing like that. I don't know, anyway, I just thought I'd give you something to contemplate.
Beefstick the Great

Rare Says:

The designer was in the room as I read this one, and he looked quite excited at the prospect of including the Goldeneye duck as a Perfect Dark deathmatch character. Look what you've done. If anything ever comes of this, we all know who to blame.


The Swedish word "arsle" means exactly the same thing as your "arse". I FEEL LIKE I'M CONNECTED TO YOU PEOPLE!
Nilsson, Robert Nilsson

Rare Says:

Brilliant! And they've got 'arsch' in Austria as well.

Why can't Grunty die?? That means she'll never die meaning that you'll go on till Banjo-Twohundredie.
Rare Says:

Perhaps she'll become a hippy pacifist or something.

Ok, I wanna see a picture of this wise guy editor... Can you post your mug so we can fantasize while reading?

Rare Says:

That's a very good argument for me
not to post a picture.

I think Perfect Dark should have a 2 player Sainsbury's mode, just to be different.
Iwan Lamble

Rare Says:

Joke Police! He's nicking all my crap gags!

I don't know but some dumb ass loser told me that there was an axe in the Dam (1st) level for Goldeneye is that true?
Yair Medini

Rare Says:

"Some dumb ass loser". Hmm. Surely you suspect?

Terd or turd? What's the difference?

Rare Says:

It's a very subtle and complicated distinction, I'll grant you.

Can Bond urinate on the guard in the Facility level?
Walter Williams

Rare Says:

An unforgivable oversight on the programmers' part, I'm afraid.

I'm stuck in my toilet would you mind helping me?

Rare Says:

Too late - you must have drowned/starved/asphyxiated by now...

Aaron James Mclean

Rare Says:

Are you being metaphorical or just crass and vulgar?

You guys aren't funny.
The Blue Marine
Rare Says:

We know. Merry Christmas.

Wednesday, December 2, 1998

Scribes: December 2, 1998

Dear Scribes,

Hey, guess what? I'm not a babbling idiot! I actually have something coherent to say! And you especially should post this letter, because there's a $100 bill on it's way to your house.... err... I asked nicely. So, I'll start off with my greatest question. You said in Scribes that Donkey Kong Country 64 is not yet under production. Well, actually you just couldn't give us a story line, so am I to assume that if you can't give a story line, that it's not under production? Oh, I also have this little idea, that you crafty 'ol marketing licensing people over there in Twycross are gonna pull a Diddy Kong Racing on us. Remember last year? That game came out of nowhere! Please say this is the case with Donkey Kong 64! Oh, yeah. I'm gonna make a Rare-spoof picture for "all the world to see". Which one do you think would be better? The Banjo-Kazooie group under Godzilla's foot, or Spinal bungee jumping from the Eiffel tower?

Oh, yeah. I have also, (for the pure enjoyment of Scribes readers, only. Please don't send me hate-mail for this) compiled all of the Scribes annoyances into one excruciating, fingernail-on-chalkboard, eyeball-popping sentence. Here goes:

Yo! G! Me Californna, Briatn games good, How u say terd, I say terd, also you say tea 'nd scrumpets, post thsi leterr!!1!111!!!!!111

Phew! Now wasn't that FUN! Oh, and....umm....Oh yeah. I'm sorry. My mind goes off sometimes. You are awesome, man! You put little subtitles into the pictures. I especially like the "innocent of all innuendo banana bird" joke on the DKC3 page. Great work! It had me rolling on the floor, laughing! Oh, just one last thing. How do you guys do that thing on all of your furry cute characters? You know.. the graphics where you can see each individual hair on the character's bodies? I saw this method first in Diddy's Kong Quest. I make 3-D pictures, and I've tried layering transparency maps, and all of that stuff, but it doesn't work like yours! How do you do it?

Thank you for reading this senseless letter. I reeeally (I misspelled really intentionally, just so you know) want to know how you do the graphics, and the stuff about DKC 64.

Forever a fan,
Chad McCanna

Rare Says:

We didn't say
DKC64 wasn't in production, you young scamp. Well, perhaps we did say it ages ago when it wasn't actually in production, but that's alright. We can't give you a storyline because either it hasn't been finalised or it's being kept under lock and key until the team's ready to release a whole load of stuff at the same time, but we'll keep you posted, obviously.

The level of detail on our renders is made possible by the high-end Alias software we use (and some half-decent artists, I suppose). As you've noticed, the hair particle shenanigans only really came into play between the first and second DKC outings.

And Spinal bungee-jumping from the Eiffel Tower sounds like it could be interesting...

Dear Scribes,

How come, at the end of the facility in Goldeneye if you are carrying an assault rifle, Bond manages to stuff the entire thing in his pocket without any effort. In many later stages, he is carrying around 3 or more guns, and his pocket doesn't even bulge? This is even weirder when you have the all-weapons cheat on. He totally stuffs his pockets with everything from tiny remote mines to a tank. Did Gruntilda cast a spell or something on them? It would free up some extra space if he was carrying a TazerBoy Pocket instead. Speaking of which, when will it be available for purchase in the U.S.?

Very Sincerely,

Rare Says:

The normal version of the TazerBoy comes with an on/off switch complete with LED which flashes when battery life runs low. But we've decided to produce a special solar-powered edition for you and you alone, kind sir, which remains permanently on and thus comes without the LED. Because Roximm, you don't have to put on the red light. (Pause.) Laugh now.

Dear Scribes,

Is there actually a port near Twycross or did you just write "Twycross-England" on the side of the ship in Rusty Bucket Bay for the hell of it?

Or are Banjo and Kazooie mysteriously teleported to a small polluted, claustrophobic port in England every time they jump through the world door?
David Sheehan

Rare Says:

Twycross is about as far from any port in the country as you can get, which makes the irony even more clever and amusing, probably. Still, if we're going to get picky, the ship was basically made in Twycross - in some inanely metaphysical sort of way.

Dear Scribes,

The stories to Perfect Dark and Killer Instinct seem remarkably similar. Allow me to explain. Perfect Dark is about a female secret agent (Joanna Dark) sent to investigate a large corporation (Datadyne). Killer Instinct has a secret agent (B. Orchid) sent to investigate a large corporation (UltraTech). Is this just coincidence? It might open up possibilities for KI secret characters in the game.

Oh, oh. Forgot to say something really stupid to get my letter printed.

Rare Says:

So you went back and typed over your original first paragraph with a load of old rubbish? Arf arf.

No, to be fair, I suppose we could have crowbarred Orchid into the plot if we'd wanted to. But that's about the only similarity between KI and PD, and as they're developed by two completely different teams for different target audiences, the likelihood of crossovers is, er, unlikely.

Dear Scribes,

Judging by some of the comments on your letters page, a few people seem to think that a game has to be realistic to be good. Was Banjo-Kazooie ever realistic? How many people outside of a mental institution can seriously claim to have seen a honey bear running around with a backpack containg a breegull and rescuing Jinjos (adorable things that they are, I am quite sure that they do not exist) - none, I should hope. But yet this did not prevent Banjo and his feathered friend gaining unanimous (and deserved) praise and acclaim from everyone fortunate enough to have ever even seen the beautiful game (not football). And what about other games such as Diddy Kong Racing, Mario Kart 64, Super Mario 64, Lylatwars, Forsaken? Okay, realistic games are often good, but the best games are not always realistic. I rest my case.
Frances Cork
Rare Says:

Realism's an almost impossible thing to pin down. The reason people have been picking on GoldenEye's level of realism in particular is because that's a game set in the real world in modern times, so naturally people are going to get a feel for the situation and decide whether or not certain aspects are realistic. With games like Banjo and DKR, of course, they're not intended to be realistic in that sense - and as you say, who can claim to know how a world peopled by fat witches and pirate hippos with gastric problems would work?

Like most things at the end of the day, the ongoing 'realism' scuffle is just a matter of everyone who comes along automatically assuming they know better than the last person.

Dear Scribes,

What on God's green Earth is that little thing that sits beside Rubee? It looks like a legless armadillo. Also, will it be starring in its own game, or making any cameo appearances? And why doesn't it show up in the Rubee picture on the Scribes page? Why, your non-inclusion of that thing has made me start my own New Legless Armadillo Order page. It's too late to stop me now!
Ben W.

Rare Says:

Sorry. That'd be Toots. I don't know why he/she/it's been cut out of that picture up there - probably something to do with his/her/its limited contract. I asked one of the B-K artists to bully a brief introduction out of him/her/it:

"Hello. I am not any species. I have no gender. I don't know how old I am. I didn't get to move around, and I only had one little sound effect. I mean, really, I was the most underrated and underused character in BK. For God's sake, my agent promised it was a major role, but I didn't have any dialogue. Maybe next time I'll get to move around a little - could be tricky, not having any legs an' all, but maybe someone could build me a little trolley. Love, Toots."

Dear Scribes,


I see too much of it, your site must have arse written all over it!


I know I spelt favorit wrong so don't correct me!

Your site is good but don't say arse any more.

One letter said something about Nintendo's arse and you replied it's nice and warm! DISGUSTING!

dfSyuwaetqwfejrfyifwedrerywehgiruhrgfrfi-now look what you've done!

I'll be on a high blood pressure rate all week now!

Bravo, oh here's some Canadian slang; A for ARSEhole!
Maurice Sanderson

Rare Says:

Yes, arse is my favourite word. What's wrong with that? Its flexibility is unsurpassed. My arse, your arse, up your arse, kick some arse, arse off, shut your arse, load of old arse, can't be arsed, arse it up, don't get arsey, arse to that. And the response to the Nintendo's arse thing was meant to convey the sentiment that we're perfectly happy in our business partnership with Nintendo at the moment and feel no overwhelming desire to develop for any rival platform or publisher: some people just took it hilariously out of context...

Dear Scribes,

Regarding letters previously seen I may express a strong opinion in that Guards! Guards! is not better than Small Gods. But then again that's hardly relevant with the price of small shelled aquatic things that seem to have an uncanny knack of conducting an orchestra, is it? Still you lot should all go round and camp out on Terry Pratchett's lawn (assuming he has one) and get him to say that you can make a Discworld game. Yes I know there's those pointy clicky things on the PC and that uhhh Sony whatsit... oh I heard something about it the other week, fairly well known apparently. Anyway, Rare would be able to make a good Discworld game.

While we're at it I found your comments on David Darling and that other guy ummm the Jet Set Willy bloke, very amusing. As such I have decreeded that you shalt knock down the doors of Codemasters and declare that you shall make the next Dizzy game. They'll probably send you to the Oliver Twins and they'll send you to Big Red Bus software and they'll look blankly at you. But someone needs to resurrect that little egg. He needs to be redeemed after the shameful nature of Spellbound Dizzy or those annoying collection type games. You're our last best hope. Just think, you could have "ACTUAL N64 SCREENSHOTS!!!!" emblazoned on the box with large yellow star things encompassing them. "SUPERB GAMEPLAY", "I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT!!!!" - the head programmer.... and other such nostalgic things.
John Edwards

Rare Says:

You are misguided, sir.
Small Gods was one of the weaker novels, sound in premise yet uncharacteristically lethargic in execution. And the Dizzy franchise is an even more obscurely British one than Discworld, which does sort of limit international sales expectations. Perhaps we should do a 2D flip-screen platform game based on the antics of a more established British export such as the Spice Girls, eh? Or perhaps not. Mind, some people seem to think we are anyway.

Dear Scribes,






Juan Jose Alvarez

Rare Says:

I know it's bad form to make fun of someone's English when it's not their first language, but "Please contest me fast!" is the best phrase I've heard all year.

I'm sure you are very interesting, Mr. Alvarez, and I'm sorry you have a trouble. Finishing all the GoldenEye levels on Secret Agent should open up Aztec for you, and finishing them all on 00 Agent should allow you access to Egyptian. Perfect Dark, meanwhile, is still in development and won't be out until next year. We'll be contesting everyone fast with more information nearer the time.

Dear Scribes,

Please tell me what I think is not true. In one addition to Scribes, either the first or second... you said a British delicacy for you all at Rare was quote: "chips and a fag". I'm not sure about in Britain but here in the U.S. "fag" means slang for a gay person. I'm hoping that you didn't mean your favorite meal is chips and a gay person, because then I'd have to think about that every time I went to reach on the shelves for a Rare game.

Please prove me wrong,

Rare Says:

Now that's not a very 90s attitude. Anyway, as I suspect you know and are merely exploiting the potential confusion to comic effect, 'fag' is actually common British slang for 'cigarette'. But hey kids! Smoking's not big or clever - I was merely using it to conjure up a particularly crude example of British cuisine.

Dear Rareware Guys,

Breasts. That got your attention didn't it? Well, this email is basically about them. This email is less of a question, and more of a comment to other readers of this email (assuming that you do post this email onto your letters section) that Jo Dark has great breasts. (The word 'great' is used in this context as a synonym for 'perfect for child-rearing purposes'. I would not on any level condone the chauvinistic-male, sexually-driven practice of 'breast-admiration'. How awful! :))

I mean, judging by the current screen shots that you've offered us adoring public, it's inevitable that people are gonna start complaining that Jo Dark's breasts are nowhere near as 'great' as Lara Croft's. You cannot deny the fact that comparisons WILL be made. But here is my comment to all of those who complain about the apparent, inherent lack of 'child-rearing' properties on Jo Dark: JO DARK IS WEARING A FUTURISTIC CATSUIT.

Anyone seen Lost in Space (the movie, not the show)? Anyone notice Mimi Rogers?? Anyone notice what she was wearing??? Anyone know what Mimi Rogers looks like outside that futuristic catsuitish thing????? Well, for those of you who don't know, Mimi Rogers (outside of that futuristic catsuit thing) gives even Lara Croft a run for her money (in the child-rearing stakes that is :)).

So before anyone starts to give flack to Rare for not making Jo Dark so.... noticeable, well, then I ask you to go rent some Mimi Rogers movies from your local video store (with your parents' company that is).

Please post this up coz that'll make it 3-in-a-row for me,
Joe F. Tangco

Rare Says:

We'd welcome your arguments if only there was a hint of resistance to them in the first place. However, as of yet we haven't had a single negative comment on the size of Ms. Dark's physical assets, and your energetic defence only serves to underline the suspicion that you've been spending far too much time thinking about it yourself. Tut tut, young man.

Dear Scribes,

I am writing this letter in response for the pretty old "Diddy has no tail" letter. You lie! Look at the little picture I found on the July 7th edition of Unckle Tusk! HE DOESN'T HAVE A TAIL!!!!! HE DOESN'T! *Takes more prozac* He really...*passes out*

Rare Says:

Stop it. Not only is it obvious that gravity and Diddy's inverted form are conspiring to conceal the appendage in question, but this render was created during DKC2, a time when Diddy's possession of tailage was never in doubt.

Dear Scribes,

My brother and I came up with this (utterly odd) idea for a game... A sequel to Diddy Kong Racing. The characters are in a race (Ancient Lake) and all of a sudden...Krunch...disappears! The next few races have other characters-Diddy, Drumstick, Conker, T.T., etc. disappear. Then T.T. comes back, escaping the kidnapper, but soon everyone but Bumper, T.T., TipTup, and Pipsy are gone! Pipsy and TipTup suddenly realize that T.T. and Bumper are kidnapping the other racers, since those two obviously gay bums want to be the only racers in the game. When they realize that Pipsy and TipTup are on to them, they leave, preparing a big race that will test your skill. Later, when she finds out that nobody is in charge of the Time Trials mode, T.T.'s good younger sister Timette signs up for that place. In the game, you would start out with all the characters, but as the game progresses, you would eventually lose them. You finally only have the four mentioned, and then Bumper and T.T. would run away, preparing the ultimate challenge. Then Timette would join you. As you progress, you rescue the other racers, and when you finally get to T.T. and Bumper, you have them all! How's that?
Christie and Steven Shepherd

Rare Says:

I can't see how a gay relationship between Bumper and T.T. would work, exactly, and T.T.'s a bit too... unimposing to make a decent baddie (though any fool can see that Bumper's seething with negative vibes beneath that happy-go-lucky exterior) - but other than that it's a groovy idea. We get to re-use the same tracks, same characters and same game engine: all we have to do is block access to the racers as the game wears on and there it is -
DKR2. Masterful.

Dear Scribes,

I wish to take up residence in Nintendo's arse. But first I need to know a couple of things.

1. Ok, is Nintendo's arse warm, or is it rather chilly?

2. How many flats are there in Nintendo's arse, can I get my own or do I have to share with you guys (I don't mind either way, except for Conker HE'S EVIL, NO GET AWAY YOU FURRY LITTLE -bleep-)

3. How much per month in Nintendo's arse?

4. Does Nintendo's arse come pre furnished or not?

5. If I lived in Nintendo's arse would I get to try out yours and Nintendo's pre release flash roms?

6. Since you live in Nintendo's arse you would have played Zelda 64, what do you think of it?

7. If Nintendo asked you to stop renting their arse as a friendly piece of faeces and be absorbed by their arse to become a full time haemorrhoid would you?

8. Have you moved to Nintendo's arse so you can expand in size (that's a big arse)?

9. Would you recommend Nintendo's arse to someone who's never lived in a sphincter before?

Thank you for answering my questions about Nintendo's arse.

Also, what month at THE VERY LATEST do you think Perfect Dark will be popped out of Nintendo's arse?
Teddly Wigglums

Rare Says:

Oh God. IGN64 are going to have a field day with this. I'm saying nothing - in fact I'll deny everything. What? Nintendo's arse? What are you talking about, you mad fool?

Dear Scribes,

I and my friends have been puzzled as to the national origin of Banjo and Kazooie, and were wondering if you'd settle a dispute. I say that Banjo is clearly American, mostly due to his proficiency at playing the banjo, an instrument native to our country. His semi-verbal utterances of "guh-huh" closely resemble those of certain notable American cartoon characters. My friend, on the other hand, maintains that Banjo is British, solely on the basis of his tight, yellow Euro-shorts. We agree that Kazooie's shrill voice, scrawny legs, state of toothlessness, and biting wit clearly mark her as coming from the eastern side of the Atlantic. Is this true, Rare? Does Banjo come from America and Kazooie from England, placing them in the ranks of other fine American-Anglo duos like the slow-witted but well meaning Ronald Reagan and the vicious and birdlike Margaret Thatcher?
P.S. If you're really serious about making famous, suave British characters into popular video games, consider Benny Hill 64. Imagine Benny spewing incomprehensible Cockney gibberish at 60 frames per second, while chasing up to thirty scantily clad women onscreen simultaneously. Then you could move beyond puny BAFTA awards and start racking up the Nobel Prizes.

Rare Says:

Benny Hill's wacky molestation adventures would indeed transfer well to a Banjo-esque 3D environment, but somehow I can't see Rare going for the licence. No ambition, that's us. As for Banjo and Kazooie, er, I don't think they're even supposed to be from this world, let alone a specific country. You're confusing realities again, aren't you? Either you've got too much time on your hands or you need to go back to the doctor for some more of those pills.

Dear Scribes,

In response to "Austin 3:16 Forever"'s little question about why wrestlers interfere with his match, it's probably because he selected the "Battle Royal" or "Gauntlet" option. Here's some advice for you, Mr. Austin 3:16 Forever: ASK THE COMPANY THAT MAKES THE GAME! If you're smart enough to send e-mail, then you must know the difference between Rareware and Acclaim! Even simpler, READ YOUR BLOODY MANUAL!

Oh, yeah, you Rare-people are tickin' me off. I've sent you sooooooooo many letters, and not one is on Scribes! How much do I have to pay you? You've already gotten thousands of my shoddy American dollars from me buying all your merchandise! By the way, I love Banjo-Kazooie more than life itself.

I've asked this before: is there any way that I could get the music to Banjo-Kazooie In sheet music form? You know, all written out with little circles with lines on them?

What kind of education does a person need to become a game maker like you guys? I'm thinking of becoming a computer artist for games.

I wish you well... enough.
Amanda Schroeder

Rare Says:

Don't shout at us. Like that mental bloke in
The Frighteners, we're frightened of being shouted at by women. Even the really strange ones that would rather die than be without a particular game.

The Rare musicians are all neanderthals who make music with stone drums and dinosaur bones, so their compositions never exist in sheet form. Sorry.

Education doesn't matter as much as natural talent and enthusiasm in this industry, though of course you won't get very far if you don't learn to focus your skills (young Jedi). Most of our programmers and artists went through the relevant university courses, but that's not a pre-requisite if you're naturally good enough.

Ah, more fuel for the America vs. The Rest of the World debate...

Dear Scribes,

Sigh... I wasn't gonna get involved in this fight, but they crossed the line. "They" is of course, Spa1886174@aolcom. First of all, on behalf of us Americans, let me apologize for for his opinions. All the games he listed really weren't that good, and not all of them were American games at that!! And he made several uninformed decisions about foreign games. Not all Americans are as ignorant as him. Most aren't actually. If he has such fierce loyalty to America, then join the army, don't write stupid letters... but, to all you Brits out there, I WILL say this, American games don't suck, Sony games suck (usually) and people interpret these as American (even though they usually aren't). And, they all aren't based on the same idea. Do you really expect every game to create an entirely new genre?? And, lastly, I'd like to pat Rare on the back for not taking sides on the issue where it would have been very easy to do so. So, in conclusion, some American games suck, some Brit games suck, and some Jap games suck. There is no real answer to this question, it's all just whatever your personal opinion is. So, on that note, I think I'll go light another candle on my Tip-Tup shrine....
Justin Davis
PS. I forgot to mention, no, I don't think it makes a difference how good a game is by what country it's from. It's all in the hands of the makers.

Dear Scribes,

In response to's letter, this is what I have to say. You must have been REALLY desperate looking for good ol' American games to come up with Cruis'n USA and Clayfighter. Thanks to you, I don't have to write a long argument anymore, because you've just named two nice examples of rubbish, derivative American games for me. Thanks! You also asked what I'm going to do about your response. No, I'm not going to send the French Mafia (???) after you. Rather, I've got a better person to send after you. The best, actually. Uncle Tusk, are you listening? And don't forget--you just called his companies' games "euro-crap". He must be p*ssed. Go get'em Tusk! :-)
Ravi Hiranand
PS And if Tuskie weasels out of this one, there's always James Bond to send round to your place. Or Pipsy. And don't forget Mr. Pants.

Rare Says:

Tusk's straining at the leash, but I'm not letting him go because - hey guys! - everyone's entitled to their opinion. Instead, I'm going to be really fair and open-minded and stuff and take this opportunity to replace a couple of the less popular Random Forum threads with new ones relating to this very subject and the endless moaning about videogame violence. So any further letters on either topic will be automatically diverted there: check it out now and babble some rubbish of your own. Please contest me fast!

Dear Scribes,

Would it be possible to have two Scribes pages, one for letters from the USA and another for letters from the UK and rest of the world. The reason for this being that I usually print the Scribes page so I can read it at my leisure, and I've found that letters from the US are invariably a complete waste of paper.

I mean, how many times do I need to hear about how good American games are, from Americans. In my experience anyone in the UK who shares this opinion is generally 12 years old, or younger. Also, why do Americans feel the need to use at least one slang word in anything they type. In my opinion American games are more often than not completely crap, with terrible graphics and even worse gameplay. That's why, in order to save the rainforests I think you should have two versions of Scribes.
Matthew Sullivan
P.S. When was the last good game that Midway produced, anyone???

Rare Says:

You're a charmer, aren't you? You've even branched out in your abuse from the basic topic of American games, so I'll get all the angry retorts coming to this page instead of the shiny new Forum thread. Still, nothing like a bit of comically generalised controversy to keep the fires burning.

Hidie-ho there, Scriberinos!

Three Scribes ago you fellas posted my "mad" pleas for a Tiptup game, and I couldn't help but notice that your take on it was...less than enthusiastic.

"What is it about Tiptup that inspires such mindless devotion?" you ask? I would hardly call it "mindless". Not only was my letter posted, but you said the big T. would be seen in 1999 AND there were 2 letters backing me up in the next Scribes. GOOD JOB SIR SLUSH2 (If you rare guys dropped Tippy from an eagle and exploded him, you'd be feeling the battery filled end of my remote control against the back of your noggins real quick) and, Will Gordy (but, I'm kinda confused about Gordy...The first half of his letter was obviously inspired by mine and the second part bad taste.). Could a mindless slob do that!? Now I'll just assume Tiptup will be in Twelve Tales in 1999. Here is my argument....

I sit in a cold, grey room, listening to myself breath through my Helmet-Mounted-Breathing-Apparatus. Suddenly, the area beside me is replaced by a small hologram of Tiptup. He is dressed in a black cloak. "How is the construction going?" he inquires.

"On schedule, my Master." I reply. The helmet makes my voice sound like James Earl Jones.

"Good, good. We may have problems lying ahead," he tells me, "there is a disturbance in the Force."

"Yes, I have felt it too." I assure him, knowing what he will say next.

"Young SkyConker is too dangerous, he must be destroyed." he demands.

"I have another plan," I tell him, "SkyConker will turn to the Dark-Side!"

"And if he doesn't??" Tiptup asks, "He may come after you and try to undo our creation before it is complete."

"I have laid a trap here, my Lord." I explain, "Let SkyConker and his Rebel friends come! They will find a FULLY POWERED AND OPERATIONAL DEATH-STAR!!"

Tiptup's image winks out, and I am once more alone in the room. Ominous music plays as I stare out into the cold depths of space. I would turn the squirrel or strike him down with my Television-Remote (The ancient weapon of the Jedi).

So, as you can see, I expect Twelve Tales to star Conker, have Tiptup as the final boss, and the game to take place on the forest-moon of Endor. I trust everything is in order.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go convince LucasArts to make "Dark Forces III: Leia's Double Trouble" in which Luke and Han are kidnapped by King K-Vader-rool and it's up to Princess Leia (who can fly with her two twisted up braids as helicopter blades) and the big oaf Chewie (in blue pyjamas) to save the day via Barrel-Hopping!!

Hhhmmmm....maybe the voices, ur, my ideas are getting mix up a tad.

Beb a.k.a. Eric Rosenlund

Rare Says:

Ah, but read on! Though Tiptup has claimed your soul and many others, the backlash is beginning...

Dear Scribes,

Ok, this whole Tip-Tup debate has got to come to an end. Let's face it, Tip-Tup isn't that great of a character. We all know he's a TMNT throwback, but some just don't want to admit it. He tried for the part, but it was obvious he didn't have that flare that would appeal and relate to the young audiences of the world. He didn't have a firm grasp on such commonly used slang terms like "cowabunga," "totally tubular," or "gnarly." (Oh wait, no one ever used those, ever, did they?) He also didn't have that buff physique nor did he have sufficient training in ninjitsu. While he does appear to have excellent driving skills, I don't think they needed a lackey just to drive the Turtle Van. Furthermore, the TMNT didn't have a huge need from someone with musical skills, now did they? (Although they did put out an album through Pizza Hut, didn't they...) Hell, Tip-Tup couldn't even make it as a Koopa Troopa. Now that's saying something. At any rate, Tip-Tup is nothing but a hack who couldn't make it big time (after TMNT there wasn't an overwhelming need anywhere for a turtle character), so, for whatever reason, he was picked up by Rare. (Why, god, why?)

By the way, how do you Rare folks feel when people write in slamming your characters? Are you bitter, secretly plotting to hire M-I6 to swiftly and silently execute us all, do you even care, or do you just laugh insanely at us since you've reaped millions from us despite our dislike for certain characters? Or do you just take a field trip to wherever and flog random people with dead cow carcasses to release your pent up anger?

Dear Scribes,

Ahh! Morons! They're everywhere! Ahh! Those to whom I refer are those miserable malodourous miscreants that so blindly hail TipTup as a god. TipTup, like any of the characters in DKR (except Diddy, but he's just as bad) is a lousy extra. TipTup was created as filler only so you guys could have a Donkey Kong related game out in time for Christmas. Why do people like TipTup? Because they're idiots!
The one who will bring a stop to this insane following of that fat tub of crap, TipTup

Rare Says:

Harsh words. Unfortunately I can't be bothered creating a new Forum thread just for people to bicker about Tiptup, so I'll have to keep dealing with it right here. Tsk.

We don't really mind when people write in to pick on our characters - you know how mild-mannered the British are. Depending on how scathing the insult was, we either break the perpetrator's legs or just kill them outright so they don't ever get on our nerves again.

And I'm sure the TMNT would welcome any interest from outside parties these days, judging by the state of their latest series. Whoops missus!

Dear stupid messed-up Scribes, (oops, did I say that?)

In your updates I noticed that the dates are 24/7/98, meaning that you put the day first. But on everything else I have ever seen, it is always like this: 1/24/98, meaning that the month is first, then the day, then year. Are you guys totally screwed up, or is it just your country? (No offense.)

Rare Says:

It's our country. We do it the right way round over here. What sense does it make to start with the month, drop down to the day then jump back up to the year when you can just do it all in order from the start? Eh? Can anyone shed any light on this?

Dear Scribes,

Mumbo Jumbo is a Jinjo? Please! That is the most ridiculous theory ever (and yet it is the most popular). Mumbo has scales, where Jinjos do not. Scales? By golly, I've got it! Mumbo is a KREMLING! He looks just like one! That is also the reason he wants to eat Banjo and Kazooie all the time. He's a Kremling!

Rare Says:

Oi! Slush! NO! I appreciate your steady flow of input to the Scribes section and the many salient points brought up therein, but I will not have you trying to impose your dozy species distinctions onto the unsuspecting public! Take your inappropriate Kremling imagery and hop it!


Please send pics of Mr Pants in various seductive poses.

Rare Says:

No chance. I'd have to spend hours drawing them.

The Loony Bin Of U.S.A.

Rare Says:

I hope that doesn't mean they're all TORD with the same brush!!!

Who then, is responsible for that fishy smell?

Rare Says:

Probably the former lead singer of Marillion. Ha ha. Ha.

Does Lupus sniff the aliens' backsides before trying to mount them?
Adem Ay

Rare Says:

It's entirely possible, Computer Boy.

I forgot what I was going to say.

Rare Says:

Excuse me while I mop my brow in exaggerated relief.

I am so hungry. Give me food like honey.

Rare Says:

Buy your own food, like, darling.

Rare is a re TAT is Ra?!?!?!?!...... }8(

Rare Says:

Congratulations - that's the worst yet by a pretty safe margin.