Scribes: February 11, 2000

Go on then, tell us what's on your mind...
We might even make enough sense of it to respond.
Updated completely irregularly!

Yeah, I know it's been ages. What can I say? Except possibly "shut up".

Dear Scribes,


Okay listen, I'm dying to know this. Is it just me, or does K.Rool sound EXACTLY like Dr. Claw (not that wuss Claw from the movie) from the Inspector Gadget cartoon? Listen to him: "Soon, Donkey Kong and his precious island will be no more!" I'm waiting for him to say "I'll get you next time, DK. NEXT TIME!!!"

He's even got his own Mad Cat! That little Klaptrap! And those Kremlings are all his MAD agents! And come to think of it, Tiny Kong looks a bit like Penny... all she's missing is her Computer Book... Hmm, and Lanky with his stretchy arms must be Inspector Gadget himself! (And may I ask, just what DOES Lanky do when he does his Spin Attack? He certainly gets excited. My friend says that he's slapping his arse. I sure hope he isn't, otherwise this game that I've bought is even odder than I thought...)
Ben Kosmina
PS I wonder what poor Wrinkly did to deserve being killed off? It must have been pretty bad - did she upset one of the writers?

Well, at least he doesn't sound like The Hooded Claw from Penelope Pitstop. Anyway, according to the designers, it was more of a general classic arch-villain feel that they were going for, rather than basing it on any one in particular - there are suggestions of memorable Bond baddies, for instance, as well as the old Dangermouse double team of Baron Greenback and Nero.

As for the orang-utan arse-slapping allegations, quite frankly we worry about you.

Hey you crazy Scribes!

1. I have been a gamer since the old Atari home system came out. I even still own my 8 bit NES. You could buy a control paddle for the NES 8 bit system called a NES Max. Indeed the NES Max was my favorite paddle, to hell with the NES Advantage. I couldn't help but notice that Floyd from JFG is nothing more than a NES Max with eyeballs and a propellor blade. Is that where you got the idea from?

2. JFG is just magnificent. The backgrounds and game depth is amazing. I have to say though that my favorite feature is the music. It is so dramatic that even doing stupid things like shooting rocks into a machine instead of just carrying them and putting them in (what moron came up with that one?) seems exciting.

3. I just saw the Nintendo line for PD (they did a much better overview than your pitiful attempt). I just want to say that I am staggered by the features and game modes that will be offered. No wonder you guys needed more time. It looks as if PD will go way, way beyond any FPS ever made. My comrads and I have been waiting for a good co-op shooter since Turok first came out (no, Armorines does not count as "good" in my mind).

4. Though I have never written before, I have been visiting the Rare site for some months now. I have noticed that the word "arse" is mentioned just about as frequently as the phrase "Goldeneye" or "Mr. Pants". I even remember a specific scribe about how happy you were that "arse was being spread". It seems to be a joke, but I fear it is much more devious. The entire arse campaign is a subtle homoerotic message that is assaulting the public's fragile psyche, much like Tinky-Winky the TeleTubby. I further go on to conclude that Leigh Loveday is gay. I do not mean happy gay, but Elton John gay. As gay as a day in San Francisco gay. This is why he spells his first name like an Irish girl. His last name is also a not so subtle change from his true name: Lovegay, or more properly, Gaylove. If you take the pansy silent letters out of his first name, and separate his last you get "Le Gay Love", or a French/English slogan for gay pride. I'm afraid that Rare will have to be reported to the Christian Coalition for immediate public criticism and judgement. May god have mercy on your souls because Jerry Falwell will not.

5. This is just a filler number. Five is so much easier to work with on a base ten system. Four just doesn't go evenly into ten. It's just plain crazy, much like the 24 hour clock. If you ever decide to put my letter into an algorithm, you'll thank me.

Thanks for your time, patience, and good humor.
~Lee Koslowski
P.S. You really do spell your name like a girl.

1. I still think the 'arse with a propeller' theory is more likely, to be honest.

2. Given the implicit danger of working in close proximity to high-powered nuclear generators, Magnus was merely trying to provide sound safety-conscious advice adhering to well-established Union guidelines. No, really.

3. Pitiful, eh? There's no need to be rude, arseface.

4. Shush. If my name was anything like that of "an Irish girl", it'd be pronouced 'Leyaaargh' or something.

5. I don't know what you're talking about, so I'm going down to get some chocolate out of the vending machine.
PS Too late, I've gone.

Dear Scribes,

What the neuk is going on with all this secrecy sh*t surrounding nintendo and rare all the time. Just release the neukende information, WHY, WHY, WHY the secrecy!!!!! And when you set a releasedate, keep it for pete's sake, it's like a promise. I promised myself to complain to you and I kept it didn't I? You break the trustcycle between us. If broken promises were mysteries, you'd be death! It's love and hate to the N-th power with you guys. Neukende secrecy agreements, that was the last straw, I'm buying me AND my mother a neukende playstation,

Well all right I wont, you make good games, damn... damn... just had to complain to release the frustration, thank for listening, sob,
Jose

What have we done this time? Anyone?

Dear Scribes,

Hmmmm.... I don't really mind the no face mapping thing- considering all of the horrid talk of "overly-violent games" (although it would have been cool)- but tell me the truth- are you guys really putting in Co-op mode? And if you are, will the game be delayed any farther due to it? Or was that the whole reason you guys had to delay it to begin with (without saying anything, you cheeky Brits)? Please, PLEASE respond, and for God's sake, update Scribes! I LOVE SCRIBES!

By the way, you guys are the cream of the crop, the sharpest knives in the drawer, the largest arse in the crowd, don't ever leave Nintendo, etc, etc...

I Love You Guys. (But I wouldn't make out with you.)
-Steve

Here's a crazy exclusive news sensation for you: co-op mode was never taken out. In fact we've been quite bemused by all the excitement surrounding its 'return'. Counter-op, now that's new. Neither of them are likely to be causing any delays, though - the delay from December was down to a whole range of factors, not just one.

Dear Scribes,

I played for over 3 hours straight to free Lupus. Now I find that he won't stop chewing on the furniture, peeing on the carpet and humping my leg.

I can't get him into an obedience school, because of the machine gun on his back.

Sadly, I've decided to have him euthanatized.

My copy of JFG might be faulty, but perhaps you should warn other players.
Brian White

You've decided to have him what? Doesn't sound very good, whatever it is. Mind, I can see how the leg-humping would be uncomfortable with those rocket boots on full power. And the Jet Force lads can sympathise too: "In the Beta version he used to enthusiastically mount other dogs from the neighbourhood in full view of the development team."

Dear editor man with ludicrous wit,

Ha, you knew it would come out didn't you? You thought you could keep this one secret? Ha! We have spies! They snuck into your main building and stole valuable "Pants-Pie" information. Now the whole world can marvel at these shots! You tried to cover it up with a game like Banjo-Tooie! Ha! I spit at the remark! Ha our spies are too good for you, double 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000009 is the best, watch your back ha!
-Silph Co.

Here we go again. Another surreal image that's going to stay with me far longer than I can say I appreciate. You've even put perspective on his eyes... that's really disturbing.

One fundamental error, though: shouldn't it be Pie-Pants with the characters that way around? And where's Mrs. Pie's famous beret/chef's hat? I hope that's a power-up later in the game.

Dear Rareware Scribes,

Right, I love Rare to bits. They are the best developers in the world, but if you don't answer these few questions, I will assume that there is some terrible Goldeneye secret that you don't want uncovered.

1. Why were you legally allowed to keep photographs of the old Bonds on the Goldeneye carts, yet we're not allowed to play as them in multiplayer?

2. Do some of the Goldeneye team still have an early version (complete with old Bonds) on their own computers? It seems silly that they wouldn't, after putting in all that work, and it would only take up about 10mb of space.

3. PAL Goldeneye takes up less cartridge space than NTSC Goldeneye. Debug mode was one of the things left out. What else was left out?

Like I said before, this is more intelligent than some of the letters you get in Scribes, so please answer it.
David Noble

This is one for the designer. Watch out - he's in a bit of a 'mard', and possibly a 'radge' as well.

"1. The pictures remained on the cart because at that stage it would have been difficult to remove them. There was no way that you could access them while playing the game normally, and the fact was not advertised to consumers or presented as a selling point.

"2. No. That would be naughty. 10mb??!?!?! You must be kidding. Or you just made up a number off the top of your head. Hmmm. Which is more likely?

"3. Debug mode is always left out. That's because debugging is generally over by the time the cart goes into production. Aside from that, nothing springs to mind. Maybe some of the data in the cart got fed up with being messed with by fools with Gamesharks and ran off.

"If you're so intelligent, then how come you failed to realise that you never mentioned the fact before in the letter? Mind on higher things?"

Dear Scribes,

So this is the Armageddon... what a crock. I watched on the old television as Doomsday came for you over in merry old England, and nothing happened except the Queen got up and started to shake around. Sigh. No Apocalypse here either. I guess we ALL know what this means... THE WORLD IS TO END AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT WHEN THE YEAR 3000 BEGINS. MARK MY WORDS!!! MWUAHAHAHAHA!

Sigh. The year 2000 is just so freakin' boring. Where's the flying cars? The jumpsuits with "V's" stitched on? The superior race of half man, half ape? I want my monkey man! Ah well... when the new millennium begins in 2001, maybe all that stuff will come in a big spaceship... or maybe I'll just settle for Banjo-Tooie being released before then.

Before I go, I think I should mention that Y2K apparently hit your website, because all mentions of Twelve Tales have disappeared.
-SirSlush2@aol.com

Take your monkey fetishes elsewhere, you scary man. And your hare-brained Armageddon predictions don't scare me, because by the year 3000 Rarewhere will either be long-dead or will have evolved to the point where it can transcend conventional ideas of space and time. Probably.

And our favourite squizzle is now back in Conker's Bad Fur Day, as I'm sure you've noticed, leaving me with the thorny problem of whether to use bold or italics when talking about Twelve Tales. Bugger.

Dear Guy who left us alone for a month and look what happened,

You sly fox, you. You know I don't read Nintendo Power or any other gaming magazine for fear of hints that I don't want to know. You know this is the first place I get all my information. You know that I refuse to pick up a Players guide for DK64 even though I haven't been able to find 10 purple bananas and a faerie in the Fungi Forest or two gold bananas on the DK Isles despite all my long hours of playing. You know your site is the first place I come across all the information on your games. And now I see why you had to leave for a month. You couldn't keep it a secret, so when you finally get back, you just blurt it out. You know what I'm talking about. It was the name of the magazine.

Ok, so, I was more surprised by the PD on the GBC, but that's just fine. Here come the questions:

1) How the devil are you?

2) Did you have fun?

3) Did I have fun?

4) What do you have in your pockets right now?

5) Can I borrow a dollar?

6) Is the Mr. Pants drawing a self portrait?

7) Is the whole Mr. Pants/Mrs. Pie relationship really a cover-up for your own adulterous scandals?

8) Why didn't I ask any questions about games?

-Amanda Marie Schroeder, a.k.a Kablooie, evil twin of Kazooie
(Bwaa ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa!)
PS. I know who King K.Rool's wife is... Queen K.Rool!

1) Very much the devil, thank you.

2) Oh yes. The French are mental, mind.

3) Sort of hard to tell.

4) Loads and loads of hard British currency.

5) See 4.

6) Not intentionally, but give me a few years at this rate of junkfood consumption and it could be.

7) Wouldn't be a very good cover-up really, would it?

8) Because this is Scribes, and as time's moved on we've sort of stopped dealing with that kind of thing.

To Mr. Scribe,

Ah, what a merry Christmas. JFG and DK64 flew out of the Christmas pile and have both been perched atop my N64 ever since (not at the same time, mind). DK64 has especially been a treat, and has been subjected to vigorous playing for a couple of days now. Ooh, playing as Donkey and Diddy again is a treat in itself (nice modelling job on Donkey if I do say so myself. Congrats go to the artists, especially for paying extra attention to his 'buns'). Playing some of the old-school games has been a laugh as well. Jetpac was surprisingly tricky (but I've got the hang of it now) and Donkey Kong has tested me to my limits. Another cheer goes out to the programmer who decided it would be nice to use the Control Pad for a change.

Jet Force has (unfortunately) been reduced to being a multi-player game for now, until I've done Donkey Kong. The controls for both games clash, and I'm sent into a brain-spinning frenzy as Juno is sent hurtling down into another bottomless pit because I tried to go into first-person view with C^ instead of the R Button. I'm sure when I settle down to play it in the near future it will indeed provide me with some hearty challenge.

"Get to the point, sonny-jim," I hear you say, well there is no point. I just wanted to thank you for making my Christmas a very merry one. Hope you all got loadsa pressies, and sat around eating lunch while watching Ali G's Alternative Christmas Message instead of the Queen's. She looks a bit like Wrinkly Kong actually (when she was alive, anyway).

Who is your favourite Smash Bros. character? Am I the only person who always chooses Donkey Kong or Luigi? Everyone I know always chooses Link or Pikachu... freaks.

I shall continue to wait eagerly for the "Next Big Thing". Until then, toodle-oo.
---Super Markio---

I always choose Link or Pikachu, because their long-range attacks are supremely irritating. But that's not as freakish as choosing Captain Falcon in his lovely hot-pink-on-white outfit... which I also do. "Show me your moves! Ducky." The people I play against always choose Mario and Kirby. Kirby usually wins. It's so depressing.

Jet Force and DK, hmm? That'll certainly keep you going for a while. You should also try alternating control methods within each game - that's an intentional extra secret bonus expert challenge mode we intentionally threw in on purpose, that is. And stop concentrating so hard on DK's 'buns', you bunch of weirdos.

Dear Scribes,

I finally beat the "too long" JFG in 25:99 according to the handy Jet-Force clock, and the game has been out long enough, I don't mind giving this semi-spoiler to ask a question. Why does the ending have _NO_ mention of Floyd?! No memorial, no "oh yeah, the plucky robot saved the planet, let's go party," no "Offical Rar! Day." Not like he made any kind of sacrifice or anything...
ExoByte

Here's the official word from the team. Brace yourself for its harsh logic:

"The original ending was intended to show a tear falling from Floyd's eye before he was blown into a thousand pieces, and a gold statue was to be put up on Goldwood as a lasting tribute to his sacrifice... then we discovered the designer of Conker could do a fantastic Jimmy Saville impression."

Dear Scribes,

I recently purchased DK 64, and with all this talk of the glitches in the game I thought I would share all the bugs I've encountered in my copy of the game to you.

1. It's huge: I don't know how this happened but I think my copy of the game is longer than it should be. The worlds in my copy of the game are at least twice the size as the worlds in B-K.

2. Five characters: Again, I have no idea how this happened, but somehow there are five Kongs in my game. Perhaps you were working on five separate games to be released and they were somehow all mashed together as one.

3. DK Arcade + Jet Pac: Someone must have been playing these classic games while the game was being programmed, and somehow they were implemented by mistake into my cartridge.

4. Great looking characters: Now, I know the characters in this game were supposed to look like Mr. Pants, but somehow all the characters in my game are amazingly constructed and smoothly animated. I don't know who screwed this one up, damn them.

5. Purdy lighting effects: I assume all the areas of the game were supposed to be lighted in exactly the same brightness and colour, but for some reason my copy has some multicoloured lighting effects, actually radiating from objects in the game.

6. Challenge: Games aren't supposed to be challenging these days, I should be able to beat the game the night I buy it.

7. Dolby Surround Sound: I know games aren't supposed to have this, but maybe it got mixed up with DVD production or something.

8. The DK Rap: I truly hope that is a bug.

I guess these bugs are the result of the short development time because it was obviously rushed for the holidays. I hope oversights like these will not be over-looked in the future.

Tim Mitchell

Yeah, sorry about that. If only we'd had the integrity to spend more time sitting on our arses watching crap daytime TV instead of compulsively working on the game, then we could have avoided all these niggling developmental pitfalls. Never mind. Now excuse us while we sit back and await the surge of emails from the less irony-compatible members of our readership (and believe me, there will be some).

Hello.

I am Millicent Virginia Pie, known to you as Mrs. Pie. I have but one question for you: WHY? Why, Leigh? Why are you spreading these vicious rumours about Mortimer Pants and I? Please stop this before my husband finds out! I'm afraid of what he might do in one of his drunken rages! Oh, what have I done... that's it, I'm going to hell.

-Mrs. Pie

I don't know who you are, but it's common knowledge that the Mrs. Pie we all know and love goes by the first name of Sally, and it's Mr. Pants' long-lost Aborigine half-brother who's called Mortimer. So either you're a low-down dirty impostor, or - heaven forbid - there's more than one illicit relationship going on between the families Pants and Pie. A plague on both of them! I told you it was all getting a bit Shakespearean...

Dear Editors,

Having just recently watched the new James Bond movie, The World is Not Enough, I am now even more saddened than before about your failure to secure a license for this movie. You must know how many

GoldenEye fans you have and what we want is more of the same. Sure Perfect Dark will be good, perhaps even great, but it will not have the feel of a "the name's Bond... James Bond" game.

And lest you try to console me by pointing out that someone else will make a quality James Bond game, you know you would just be lying. They will produce some low quality 3rd person view Tomb Raider clone and try to pass it off on the reputation of Bond built by GoldenEye. Look at Mission Impossible to see that not anyone can take a great concept for a game, as pioneered by GoldenEye, to fruition.

I am sure Perfect Dark will be good, but the problem I have with it is that of aliens. You said you made Perfect Dark instead of another Bond game in order to have more creative freedom. Then the first thing you do is put is make it a game about killing aliens like ever other FPS out there. My favorite FPS are GoldenEye, Wolfenstein, and Jedi Knight. All of these games largely exclude aliens (the ones in Jedi Knight don't really count as aliens because they are known from Star Wars).

Every other FPS out there seems to concentrate on mindlessly killing faceless nameless aliens. Blake Stone, Doom, Duke Nukem 3D, Rise of the Triad, Quake I, II, III, Unreal, Halflife, etc., all these games are basically the same. I am concerned that Perfect Dark will be the same as these, just trying to have the biggest gun to kill the biggest bad guys. Plus even if Perfect Dark does not fall into this mold it will never take the place of a Bond game. When watching the movie there were many scenes that I could imagine transforming into a FPS a la GoldenEye. So while I am sure that Perfect Dark will be a great game I am begging you to try harder to pick up a license to one of the Bond movies and produce a real sequel to GoldenEye. I am sure there are millions of fans which would agree with me.
Gabriel Southern

Now look what you've done. You can tell the designer's irritated when his response is this long.

"Firstly, we did not 'fail' to secure the licence for the game rights, we 'chose' not to secure it. There is a difference. An important one, I think.

"I am not going to denigrate the rest of the development community by saying that there is no way that anyone could make a quality James Bond game after Rare and GoldenEye. It would be monstrously arrogant and very untrue.

"You wouldn't have to think hard in order to realise how restrictive a Bond licence can be. And until you have played Perfect Dark, don't you think it would be wise not to speculate on its contents? Yes, aliens are shot, I cannot deny that, but that is not the sole aim of the levels. And to use Jedi Knight as an example of a game that largely excludes aliens has to be a joke. For the first four levels or so, all the aggressors are aliens; humans are introduced as enemies later. Get your facts straight.

"None of the other games you list 'concentrate' on killing aliens except for Doom and Duke Nukem. If you think that is what Perfect Dark is about, then you haven't played GoldenEye. And to say Half-Life concentrates on killing aliens is a crime.

"I am sure that the millions of fans you say would agree with you will be happy with Perfect Dark. Obviously, you aren't going to buy it or play it because it consists solely of shooting aliens that you haven't seen before. Would you play it if I told you that one of the characters wore a tuxedo? He's a bit chubby, but I would never play a game that didn't have a fat guy in a tux in it somewhere. Or maybe I have more imagination than that."

Dear Scribes,

Mr. Hat can kick Mr. Shoes' arse. I know what you're thinking: it would hurt more if Mr. Shoes kicked Mr. Hat's arse. True, but Mr. Hat has more raw talent.

On a side note, I challenge one of my fellow psychotic Rare-lovers with too much time on his/her hands to make a web site chronicling the happenings at Rarewhere. Someone suggested that Leigh take up this daunting task, but I think one of us way-too-dedicated fans should do it. You could have profiles of regular Scribes contributors, descriptions of "rumored" games like Arse64, and explanations of key British/nonsense terms used on the site. If nobody is up to the task, I'll just have to do it myself.

-Carmine (that's my real name -- I've had enough of Power_Made_Fleash)

If it comes down to a choice, I think one of you way-too-dedicated fans should do it as well. I couldn't possibly hope to maintain the appropriate levels of objectivity, and besides, I can't be arsed. Nice synonymising of 'British' and 'nonsense' as well, by the way. If that's a word.

Dear Scribes,

Let me first start this post saying I'm American. NO! WAIT! DON'T CLOSE THE WINDOW YET!

I'm gonna get straight to the point, I have questions, you've got answers. Let's trade.

1. Why does everyone hate Ellie the elephant in DKC3? Ask anyone and they say she was a bad character. Poor Ellie... (P.S. In America that would be Elly.)

2. What is that pillar for in DK64, in Creepy Castle there is a bananaport that takes you (when you're Tiny) to an odd pillar with bright light shining down on it.

3. I'm sure I'm the 500 billionth person to ask you this, but is there or is there not a Lost World? Or if not a lost level, character, animal, anything...?

P.P.S. - Just to make you mad, I'm going to defame your English words into our crappy American lingo. Vanilla is my favorite ice cream flavor. I like the white coloring of it. Behold vanilla in all of it's splendor! Now if you post this up, I will gladly return to you your English words.

BlitzGhost

1. In both cases: what are you talking about?

2. It's a secret. Or it's bugger all. Take your pick.

3. Got Krusha in multiplayer, have you? There you go then. Get away with your Lost World tomfoolery.
PS Yeah - that's really, really annoyed me. It's not like I see it every day or anything.

Dear "'funniest' 'Site' [hehe..."sight"] on the 'information superhighway'"™,

Well, well, well... a Lovelace typo. I think that the old saying "what goes around comes around" is very fitting here. You made a typo! Ha! Well, I can't blame you for taking the mess out of those useless spellings of previous Scribery, but the fact remains you are now seen as infallible by all of us Scribes "Fans". So, with your fall I elect a certain Mr. Williamson (the original, not the "twin" - ahem!! cough..BS..cough) to write for Rareware and to do the Scribes page. OK, so it'd only be updated once a year with only two letters but at least we wouldn't have our letters made fun of - mainly because he'd probably never figure out how to post them.

Now, concerning your spelling error... if it isn't actually a typo, then that means that when DK64 hits the British Isles I will be able to play a police operation mode where, dressed in alternative costumes, the Kongs don their 'bobby' suits and hit the islands busting the Kremlings. Alternatively known as the patened "cop-op" mode.
-Martin Badowsky

Damn you, Badowsky. In fact, 'dash' you. 'Dash' you to 'heck'. (Still, at least I can spell 'patented'.)

By all means get S. Williamson in to churn out some quality updates, if you can find the bugger - he's gone to ground with an efficiency we'd never have expected...

Dear Scribes,

Let me start by saying that you are my favorite video game company. I look forward to your new 'E' rated games. I like your humor, and don't find it offensive as a adult. I have 2 children, girls, 6 and 8. They love DK Racing, Banjo and now DK64.

As a parent, I have a hard time trying to teach them what is appropriate and what is not. In today's world it is hard to screen everything they see and hear. And that is the subject of this complaint.

Did you have to use the word Hell in the Diddy Kong rap? I understand that it is used everywhere now, and call me a prude, conservative or whatever (although I think I am far from that), but I still cringe when my kids sing this. Heck would work just as well, and probably is a stronger statement of integrity considering that the word hell is used everywhere.

Sorry, I guess the Who was right when they sang "I hope I die before I get old..."
Ron Weldy

It's refreshing to see someone able to differentiate between opinion and fact. We can appreciate your sentiments, but as you say, the word 'hell' is part of the language now whether we like it or not, and in this case it's not even used in a blatant or derogatory context - "hell of a guy" a bad thing? The truth is, we just didn't give it a second thought, and nowhere along the way did anyone suggest that it might cause problems. Call it a sign of social decay if you like, but to be honest we're still amazed at the fuss it's caused.

Dearest Rare or guys who made that game with the monkey,

I was unaware that YOU (you being Rare/Ultimate and not the mail guy reading this) were reponsible for some of my favorite NES and SNES games. (I read the site...) Anyway, onto the matter at hand. I just completed DK64 completely (all 101%). While playing, my girlfriend (yes I am a video game addict AND have a gf... rare breed) and I were trying to figure out what types of primates each of the Kongs were. This is what we came to, and any discrepancies between your game and 'real life' may be noted, but not held against you. I figure if I can believe that they can talk and that there are giant reptile kings, then who's to say they can't be bipedal (walking upright for the kiddies)... They're wearing pants for crying out loud. Alright alright... here goes...

This is assuming Cranky is the original DK from the arcade and that the current DK is his son (making him Donkey Kong Jr... proving he has a heart ;D). From their looks, they are GORILLAS, not monkeys but apes. You can explain away their bipedal behavior due to their use of hands for tools (just like humans!). By looks, Funky, Grandma and perhaps Candi are also gorillas. I assume Candi is (despite her less than gorilla like features ;)) because she is going out with DK (I heard, correct me if wrong) and gorillas only mate with other gorillas (if they've gotten that far yet ;D) Alright, so they match up rather well (besides the generic monkeyesque references... ex. Baboon Blast... I don't see no steenking baboons). Next in the chain of command is Diddy. Diddy is obviously a new world monkey. Characterized by his small size and prehensile tail (gripping... can swing by it) he is the only MONKEY of the bunch. Looking at Tiny and Chunky, we know they are related (this will include Dixie also). Tho Tiny has a small stature, we are unable to see her tail, but since Chunky is her brother, and Chunky neglected to wear pants, we're in luck. They too are Apes, Chimps more specifically. This would bring into question Diddy and Dixie's love since they would technically be interbreeding. Luckily for them, in the 60's DK Isle adopted integration and inter-racial relationships were no longer 'taboo'. I am excluding that baby thing from DKC3 because I was too poor to purchase it and I am now too lazy to look up pictures of it. Finally we come to Lanky. Lanky is easy, he is a orangutan. Also an Ape. In conclusion, we find that the Kongs are not blood relatives, but rather a collective group of primates who hoard golden bananas and display primitive forms of civilization. (Clothes, coins, guns, explosives...) This email is not meant to criticize, rather clarify. As previously stated, I realize it's only a game and that if you believe that they can wear pants and shoot guns, then you have no right complaining that Diddy is referred to as 'The Champ of Chimps...' Heheh. Keep up the EXCELLENT work and great job on one of the only games I'm GLAD I bought for N64 (Mario Kart, Smash Brothers and Blast Corps. are the others). You're inspiration for us aspiring game developers... yes that's right. I do NOT major in Anthropology, but CS and hope to one day code a game that has half the playability of JetPac :)

Awaiting your next release (how's that for pressure)
-Phil Wortas
BTW... (see? no P.S.!) You had a collective release of games earlier, why not repackage them all on a cartridge for N64? Hell (uh oh, I mean Heaven) Playstation did it with crappy games and made some money, why shouldn't YOU with good ones? Oh well, I'm just talking out of my ass here. Oh yeah, and what's with all those stupid spellings for words like FAVOURITE and CENTRE and sh*t (I mean crap, er... poo?) Join the 21st century guys. Hehe kidding, don't hate me because I'm an ignorant American! ;) Bye.

Mmmm. Unfortunately your entire argument started to fall apart in the middle when you took it for granted that Tiny and Chunky are brother and sister. Always the same, you scientific types: spend hours tinkering away with the tiniest details without checking the big umbrella issues first. Tsk. If you'd been paying attention in class, young man, you'd know that Chunky is Kiddy's brother (Kiddy being "that baby thing from DKC3"), and Tiny is Dixie's sister. Anyway, enough Kong species conjecture! Enough, dammit! The ruddy Pokemon never have this trouble.

Dear Scribes,

It's "Rare" that I, proud N64 gamer, find a game with music so stunning it will make me feel like rushing to the nearest CD store in the earnest effort of picking up the soundtrack to the game. In recent times, both you and Nintendo have offered the liveliest music scores on the N64, and thankfully have released soundtracks for all to hear. So why is there no soundtrack for Jet Force Gemini? This game borders on audio perfection with a diverse score that can bring me to tears one moment and in the next make me feel like picking up a gun and taking it to those nasty bugs. This music is the best for the N64, no doubt about it. So why must you torture me by making the decision to not release a soundtrack for this beautiful game? I, for one, am sad to see it happen. I will anxiously wait for the day when I can pick up a JFG soundtrack, though I may never see that day come.
CJ Mittica

Nintendork in the house! Everybody say yo/boo-yaa/way-o/whatever's currently in fashion.

I think we've been through this Jet Force soundtrack business before: the decision isn't ours, or the CD would have been out there a long time ago. It's something Nintendo do for selected games. As for producing them ourselves, we don't have any kind of outlet for selling them and we don't run a whacking great subscription list like Mr. Nintendo, so it makes far more sense to leave it to the people best equipped for the job...

Dear Scribes,

I'm usually not demented, but it's 1:37 in the morning. I have spent the last six hours reading all the Scribes, and I am proud of it. I know that nobody will read this unless it's posted in the Snippets, which have no pictures so far as I know, or includes a huge Mr. Pants 64 picture, so I found an ad for Mr. Pants 64 in the magazine N64 D.M.A.A. and attached it here. I would say more, but when I produce trash like this, I know it's time to stop sending stupid letters to people and go to bed. G'night.
-Anonymous

You see, you're all wide-eyed and enthusiastic now, but if we actually came out and announced Mr. Pants 64 for real you'd be horrified. And rightly so.

Dear Rare staff,

For God sakes, have pity on a poor gamer!

I've recently heard that Perfect Dark will feature the newfangled speech synthesis that seems to be popping up on recent 3D shooters these days.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's an inevitable progression from the days of lore where games mostly beeped at you and scrolled out painfully slow text. But sometimes progress doesn't always benefit everyone. I have been without hearing since my teens. This handicap has not presented much of a conflict with my love of games but lately I have witness a disturbing trend towards full out speech synthesis. I suffered through the scientists and guards of Half-Life, whose yapping heads said nothing but silence.

So which brings me to my request: I'm here, down on my knees, begging you, please allow an option to turn on game text in PD! Not only would this benefit people like me, but also thousands upon thousands of PD addicts who will be sneaking out of their beds at the midnight hour for just "one game more" and who don't want to alert their parents (or their spouses...)

Given that PD will be based on the Goldeneye engine, which already features voice text, you guys should have a lot of the code in place for making this feature a reality. (If you took it out, for God's sake, put it back!)

Giving you my million thanks in advance,
Screenboy

Never fear - everything that's said in PD (both face-to-face and through radio contact) pops up in a text box on-screen, and there's also an option to toggle subtitles on/off during the cut scenes, which is naturally when most of the plot-advancing stuff gets said. That was a really bad sentence, I know, but I can't do anything about it now because it's 5 o'clock and Smash Bros. is calling...

Oh, arse. Got to do the Snippets first.

What is this Jetpac? Jetpac is better than Donkey Kong! Jetpac is my new god! Where is Jetpac 64? I want more Jetpac! Oh, I will never doubt Cranky's taste in games again!
Jetpac Jetpac Jetpac!! Mmm... Jetpac...
SuperFobby@aol.com

I knew there was an AOL user with taste out there somewhere.


Did you know that Lupus in latin means wolf?
Mr. Jihad Hazzan

What an amazing coincidence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Are British people really emotional about stuff, or is it just the ones from Wales. I know a Welshish person at my school and whenever some minor social incident happens in his life he goes and breaks down and is all depressed and despondent and crap like that.
Commander Antilles

Or perhaps it's just the effect you have on him.


My name is Garry Haywood. Right now I'm playing Tomorrow Never Dies... in the nude.
Garry Haywood

They've included a cheat for that?


How many marks would you give Princess Peach, out of two? I don't know about you, but I'd definitely give her one.
Benjamin Hu

Better wait for Mario to decide how many he's giving her first.


In Egypt we have the word arse but it's not the same meaning.
DH

You swine! You can't just leave us hanging on like that!


You know what's really disturbing? Aside from this letter, I mean. In DKR, when Banjo announced to everyone 'Oooim Banjo!', he sounded pretty much like Nanny from Count Duckula. Creepy.
Ben Kosmina

But not as creepy as Bumper's 'dancing'.


Your credit for Donkey Kong Country 2 is "story". Ouch.
Scott Bardsley

Come on, I was young, I needed the money...


Why can the Kongs swim under water for hours but Banjo can't. Are they magic gilled monkeys?
Super Joe Jr.

Thanks for saving me the effort of thinking up a stupid answer.


I apologize for that apologizing guy. I am doing this because he was annoying. And also could you guys send me TND in a cartrige form?
WillieEsco03@aol.com (a.k.a. the late great FLEABttn@aol.com)

We can't, no, but Garry Haywood's always open to offers.