Monday, December 14, 1998

Scribes: December 24, 1998

G'day Mate,

I'm writing to complain. Do you know how lucky you are to live in England?? Here down under in Australia, we get jerked around all the time. With magazines, for example. In Australia there is one N64 magazine. In England there are thousands. We get English magazines about one and a half months after they are meant to come out, so they preview a game that is already out. Anyway. Just complaining. I am a vivid lover of all your games - in fact I have all of them (except Blast Corps, that's crap) and I think you need a congrats. Well done. Now I have a question. Are you lying about the "All Bond" cheat for Goldeneye? I reckon you are. I'm one of those poor saps that has finally completed Goldeneye, but has one space left on his cheat list. What's doin'? I have also finished Diddy Kong, Banjo (apart from stupid old Mumbo) and all my other ten games. I feel that a bit of leeway should be given to us disadvantaged Rare lovers living in Australia. Ever since the days when I saved all my pennys and went and bought a Sega Master System II, I have been a lover for consoles. But I feel the Nintendo has let me down with a lot of sh*****t games such as Clay Fighter, Ice Hockey Golf, etc. Please. You should know the capabilities of the N64. Please, make my expensive purchase a worthwile one.


Rare Says:

You completely lost me about two thirds of the way through the letter. What was it you wanted us to do, exactly?

Sorry about the cack mag situation, but we haven't really got "thousands" over here either (I make it more like four or five) - and I can't say I've ever heard of
Ice Hockey Golf, but it sounds brilliant. Surprising nobody thought of it sooner. As for the All Bonds code, much as I'd love to tell you some stupid lie about how to access it and then immediately resign, it's probably easier in the long run just to shake my head wearily and reiterate: it was taken out because we didn't really fancy getting our arses sued off.

Dear Mr. Scribe,

While I must admit that TipTup is a groovy driver, and that he is the best turtle I have ever seen, he doesn't deserve his own game. Why? Because we'd have to listen to his Mr. Bean-style "AAARGH" every time he gets hit. And when he runs he looks like a plonker as well.

It is obvious that Mumbo Jumbo isn't a Jinjo (backed up by earlier arguments) or a Kremling (how would a crocodile fit its snout in that mask) but is in fact a clever design of wireframe computer graphics with interesting textures laid over the top, and a little story to go behind him. There you go.

AND this is coming from someone who takes game stories far too seriously. For instance...

If Mario fought Donkey Kong, Donkey Kong became Cranky Kong, Cranky Kong lives with the new Donkey Kong, Donkey is buds with Diddy, Diddy races with Conker and Banjo, does this mean that Mario and Banjo come from the same world? See what I mean about too serious.

And that's it.
Super Markio
PS. Arse is a great word. Up with arse (hehehe). And you should use the word 'figgin' more often. And 'plum' and other words that mean nothing to people outside of this nutty country that we come from. Bwahaha. Flan, Monkey, Cheese (the best word) Green!!!!

Rare Says:

'Figgin' is hopelessly outdated, and 'plum' is only really effective in plural form. Arse, however, is timeless, and operates without a hitch in any form or tense you'd care to name.

Who's to say Mario or Banjo (or even Cranky, or one of the others) didn't unwittingly fall through a dimensional rift at some point in the past? There's no guarantees in the world of videogames - especially when all the characters and places are totally fabricated in the first place, you strange boy.

Oh look! Feedback on all that date-writing malarkey...

Dear Scribes,

In reference to your confusion regarding the American numerical date format (12/1/98), I offer this simple exercise to clarify the situation:

Say "December 1st, 1998." Say it out loud. Get a feel for it.

Now try "The 1st of December, 1998." Give it a few tries.

One of these phrases sounds right and natural, doesn't it? It rolls off the tongue. The other is stilted and weird.

Now write both of these phrases in a purely numerical format. Look at that! The preferred phraseology matches the American numerical format precisely! Just another example of Yankee ingenuity from the plucky ex-colonials who brought you the microchip, the atomic bomb, and spam (both kinds).
Umm ... Err ... The Sparkling Witty Nom de Guerre Guy

Dear Scribes,

I'll have to agree with you Leigh on the date order writing debate. It makes no sense to me to write the month, day, year in that order. I've always been writing it starting with the day. Furthermore, in French (my first language), we write the full date this way: 2 dcembre 1998. So it makes even more sense to me to write it starting with the day.

"Lawl. Hillo scriberz."

Uh, as for the date order thing, I believe it has to do with the way the dates come out verbally. Well, in English, people say, for example, "August 15, 1998" verbally, so it makes sense to put it in the m/d/y, the same order, right? Then in other languages, say, Spanish, they say "Uno de noviembre" ... different order there. Heh. I think the same applies to about every other European language. I guess the Brits put it in that order for the sake of consistency. With the rest of Europe. C'mon, they caved in on the metric system, they did this, too. Right? Right? On the other hand, Americans like myself are waaaay to stubborn to accept anything weird and scary like a new measurement or date ordering system. Hehe... I'm ever so smart.
- S-U-P-E-R CodeGuy Ty

Rare Says:

I suppose the verbally-ordered argument does have something going for it. Bah. If I wasn't so dim I might have thought of that myself. Then again, the d/m/y arrangement is used verbally in some places as well (I use 'em both, myself), so I still think that makes more sense in general - but then of course I'm appallingly biased. Let's start a more interesting discussion before we get sociologists and stuff writing in. Any suggestions? The only one I've got is about
Bagpuss, and that'd be lost on 98% of you.


I don't think Small Gods was uncharacteristically lethargic, as all of the books by Terry Pratchett which I own are just as lethargic as each other, they just sit around my flat all day, I can't induce them to do anything.

Plus, the whole Aeschylus thing was just a ruse to sell BS-conforming crash helmets to balding, old-world poets with one hand.
PS - How can I turn the gore on in Word Perfect?

Rare Says:

Surely you've noticed
The Colour of Magic's tendency to fall down stairs and trip over while carrying big cakes?

I don't think setting up the turtle scam would have worked all that well - I mean, if it had happened to someone else first, I bet Aeschylus would have told the crash helmet salesmen he wasn't about to let anything so stupid happen to him...

(PS If the gore doesn't come up automatically, you must have got a faulty version.)

Dear Scribes,

My two children are driving me crazy over this question: WHAT IS THE *&#X@~F) NAME OF THE STUPID PINK SQUIRREL SLEEPING WITH NABNUT IN THE WINTER PART OF CLICK CLOCK WOODS IN BK?!! I know where you live. Answer this question or I will put my kids on the next flight to ask you in person. You won't like what you look like with gray hair, not to mention how ridiculous you will look wearing a straight jacket to your inane company Christmas party. So answer it or suffer the consequences.
Amber Ferguson

Rare Says:

If only you'd been at our Xmas party, you'd have seen how ridiculous we all looked. But I'll ask the team anyway...

"It's obvious that she's Mrs. Nabnut! Alternatively, to calm your kids down, tell 'em that she's called Nibblenut or something else with 'nut' on the end."

Alright Mr. Scribes,

I'm not sure how you're gonna handle this but I'm onto your little conspricy <---(spelling). Your whole Scribes section is a sham! No one can send in letters that interesting. It appears each and every letter plays right into your hands, BUT THAT'S NOT RIGHT! So my only conclusion is that you my friend are the lost sole sending in all these letters and then answering yourself. You take it as a personal release. Inside you can't decipher if you love or hate Tip Tup, and chances are Rare wouldn't hand delicate information on DKC64 over to you so you just make it all up. Don't deny it! REPENT! Turn from your evil ways! Using our life energy to tame your inner self is not morally right! It just ain't!

If you feel it's time to release the truth then print this for the whole gaming world to see, you oaf!

Rare Says:

Oaf, am I? That stings. Anyway, for your theory to hold true I'd also have to be responsible for this letter, and I'd rather shoot myself in the face than be seen to spell 'soul' as 'sole' in front of thousands of people.

It's true about the delicate information, though. Nobody tells me anything. So stop asking for PD movies and DKC64 screenshots, you heartless sods.

So yeah.

You guys are pretty good at games, I reckon. Surely you must be tempted into expansion into new areas. Churn out 1 top quality RPG per year, and you would make most N64 lovers happy for a very long time. I am about to finish Zelda64, and like everyone else that has had the good fortune to play it, I am amazed.

It really is head and shoulders above everything else on the system, would you not agree? I know you guys have got your Goldeneyes, DKR's and Banjo Kazooies, and very nice they are too. But cmon! This game, it must scare the living daylights (do I need a Bond license to say that) out of all other developers on the machine (yourselves included, deep down in places you don't want to talk about at parties.......!).

How can it be topped? Now I know you've got PD in the works and DK64 or whatever it's called (tell the truth, you haven't even started it yet, have you?!), along with JFG and Conker 12 Tales or whatever it's called (I've read its JFG in disguise btw, an internet rumour perhaps?) but ZELDA64?!!!! I reckon you lot should play it, finish it, then close Rare down, move to Wales and take up sheep shearing, along with everyone else developing on N64........

Oh, before I long (approx.) do you think it's going to take to finish JFG with all secrets and everything? Thanks very much.....
The Youth

Rare Says:
Are you having a pop at the Welsh, pal? I'll take you all on.

RPGs: Unless we put absolutely everyone in the company on it, I doubt it'd be possible to get a 'top quality' RPG together in just one year.
Zelda: Of course it's good. What did you expect? Certainly a benchmark if we ever do release an RPG. JFG: I'd ask the designer, but he's gone home for Christmas. I know he intends to get plenty of use out of each and every level, though...

Dear Scribes,

I have written you Englishmen before and you changed my "Dear Scribes" to "Dear Uncle Tusk" and sent it to the barbarian's letters page. I know I should have sent it to Tusk in the first place since it was a letter about getting help on DKR. (Yes? And? - Ed.)

I am Jason W. and the point of this letter (if you would consider it a point) is to let and Eric Rosenlund know that I am agreeing with Rare in the Tip Tup debate. In some letters about Tip Tup I'm getting the impression that some people think that he is the second fastest racer to Pipsi. I would like to clarify that acceleration is how fast you pick up speed, not how fast you go. I have to admit I used to think so too! Since Mr. Rosenlund has written you at least twice, I know he will be reading this. I am annoyed at him for obvious reasons but just to make sure everybody knows what I'm talking about is because he started the load of letters about Tip Tup being so cool. I am going to hit Tip Tup with that stupid remote control (the sharp end of course) of his, which he talked about in both of his letters!

Also, Sir Slush 2 sends in letters that could not be more annoying (except for this one of course.) For example, Mumbo Jumbo being a Kremling is even more ridiculous than being a Jinjo! I'm not supporting the Jinjo rumor one bit, but a Kremling?! I don't think so!

Oh, and another thing. I hope this doesn't start another crazy debate like the Tip Tup one, but you should make a game about Mumbo Jumbo where he is out to rescue Banjo and Kazooie or something. Since Mumbo has magic, there would be lots of awesome moves to learn. See, at least I have a GOOD reason to want a game about my favourite character that says eeeeeeecum booooooocum. I mean a reason other than HE RUKES!!!!!1!!1!!

And now, the moment we've all been waiting for. THE ENGLISH LESSON!!! Ow, sow youer sayin that wood bee a badd ideea? Me thinq it wood reely edjucait hour reeders! (And boy, do we need that!) Ow wel thenn, me gess u shood saiv that forr Mr. Pants! How about trying to get my letter printed by doing something stupid? You mean the letter is already stupid enough??!!! I didn't use the word arse enough though! OK here goes. Arse! Arse! Arse!! Arse!! Arse!!! Arse!!! Arse!!!! Arse!!!! (Wasn't that lovely?)
Jason W. a.k.a. The DKR Man

Rare Says:

Mumbo Jumbo also provides an eloquent discourse on the origin of the species if you enter a secret code into the sandcastle. Go on, write to me asking if it's true. Go on, I dare you.

In what way are you "agreeing with Rare" on the Tiptup debate? We haven't said anything - we just think it's funny to sit back and watch you lot slug it out over the merits of a made-up character...

Dear Scribes,

In the December 1st edition of Scribes, the unthinkable occured. Two people wrote in and sadly bashed Tiptup! A TMNT throwback? Oh please! Tiptup is also not "filler". I'm not saying Tiptup is a god as some people may think I'm trying to say, but he's a great character! If you guys aren't making DKR 2 (as Uncle Tusk mentioned in his latest collection of "stuff"), and Tiptup WON'T be starring in a game of his own, what kind of future is that for this little turtle? He will have a cameo in ONE measly game for 1999 (Donkey Kong Country 64? Please?), but that's not enough! We need Tiptup merchandise, from hats to shirts to talking bean bag critters to nicotine patches....THINK OF THE OPPORTUNITY! He may be a goofy character, but look at Mario! He's even goofier! I've recently gone back and started playing DKR with Tiptup, and let me say, he IS the best character (not to say Diddy isn't, but for the sake of the argument, let's say he IS).

So is Tiptup doomed to be thrown in the Rare death row along with the Battletoads and Killer Instinct fighters? Please don't give him the same fate! I can tell you are not very thrilled at the idea of Tiptup's very own game (whoever YOU may be), but it's what the public wants right now. So what? Two people wrote in and bashed the little guy. They are so far outnumbered. Why, Tiptup WILL get his own game, if I have to move to Twycross, make some fast money gambling in a pub, and buy your company. Tiptup is the future. Tiptup is the hope. Tiptup is the power. Remember that fellow Tiptupians, ALWAYS!

Rare Says:

There's only one pub in Twycross, and experience leads me to doubt that it plays home to illegal underground gambling dens. Still, best of luck if you want to give it a try.

The fact that we're not currently working on
DKR2 doesn't mean that DKR's characters won't pop up elsewhere, does it? Don't worry, it's pretty certain that we haven't seen the last of Tiptup yet.

Nintendo are the people who deal with merchandising, though they wouldn't have anything to do with my Blast Corps motion-sensing RDU lava lamp that goes "Woow" and lights up when you walk into the room. I know, I've mentioned that before. I can't help it. It eats at my soul.

Dear Scribes,

On the box for Banjo-Kazooie, Banjo is holding a PURPLE Jinjo! If I'm correct, there are five Jinjos-Yellow, Pink, Blue, Green, and Orange. No Purple. I think we have a stowaway here...

Oh, and another thing, what is this thing with Pipsy's eyelashes? Sometimes they're there, sometimes they aren't. I'm just supposing that she has fake ones and will only wear them inside the game. No matter how hard she tries, she won't be that pretty, but still... Having them is a step in the right direction.
Christie Shepherd

Rare Says:

I put this to the B-K designer, who in turn cranked up Rare's trusty Automated Response Selection Equipment (ARSE), which blurted the following:

"The Jinjo is purple because he fell into Grunty's 'All Jinjos Must Be Purple' machine. Banjo rescued him and will scrub him clean at some point (which can't be seen on the box art) so that he can rejoin his normally-coloured friends." There you go. "Either that or the artist is colour blind," it added unnecessarily.

And common speculation has it that Pipsy only uses her eyelashes to attract Tiptup, who she fancies rotten (probably).

Dear Scribes,

I am writing to rebut Ice Cream Man's claim that no one wants PD (Nov 2 Scribes).

Hey, Vanilla Ice, or whatever your name was, What game got the award for Game of the Year at the British Academy of Film and Television Arts? Huh? GOLDENEYE, which I agree is the best game ever. Then you said in your letter and I quote "...But it has the Goldeneye engine right? WRONG! Sure it has the engine..." Let's ponder this, you said "it has the Goldeneye engine right? Wrong! Sure it has the engine." Now there's a paradox.

PD is based on the Greatest game in the world's engine, and you have the nerve to say that no one wants it? How much fun would a TipTup game be where.., and I quote again, "TipTup an agent, side by side with Timber? Out to rescue Diddy or something." What a horrible and despicable idea. Why would anyone want to be a small racing turtle out to save some monkey? PD has potential, your little detective game is dumb. How many more games can the gaming industry make where you try to save a monkey? How many Donkey Kongs were there? (Donkey Diddy TipTup Banjo, Stop with the monkeys) Save the monkey here and save the monkey there. Ahhhh. Use people, like Bond--One of my personal favorites, or some girl named Joanna-- And... How can you compare a game, that is based on the greatest game's engine, {and is the second in the only Spyfi series which Rare started and is taking off like my Dog after you shoot him in the arse (sorry, I just had to include arse)} to a game about a small turtle? Pffffffft.

If Rare went around making games, solely based on a single character of one game, then they would have to make a lot more games. How many people think that Oddjob (or any other character in the Bond game), is cool. Oh here's an Idea Rare, why don't you make a game where Oddjob is an agent next to Bond, and they go around trying to save some monkeys or something?

You said that Rare lost all your Ideas up their ass. Well, that's the only good place for them. I say (along with hordes of other people who liked Goldeneye and want PD) that PD would and will be 10 times better than TipTup 009 the super agent. PD will be great, and will make Rare more money than your little TipTup 009, super hero, agent that saves monkeys. So there Mr. Ice Cream Man. Thanks for your time Rare. Keep up the good work.
John Knight Greer, SC/USA

Rare Says:

On seeing this, the GoldenEye/PD designer looked a bit bemused and said "I think people take things too seriously." Nonetheless, your heartfelt defence is appreciated, sir. To rest your worries, bear in mind that we now have enough development teams here to avoid a situation where we're forced to prioritise genres - we can happily work in several at a time, and ultimately satisfy as many people as possible. Like Robin Askwith.

Dear Rareware,

I'm sooooooooooooooooooo sorry. I didn't mean to shout. I'm reeeeeeeeeally soooooooooooooooorry.

That's too bad about the music. I really like it, that's all.

Hey, do you guys mind Americans using your slang? I give you permission to use ours any time you want. I really like arse. And Bloody. Bloody Arse.

Good News!(?) They have me on a 24-hour IV drip of Banjo-Kazooie to get me un-addicted. I tried to go cold-turkey, but the withdrawal syptoms caused me to create horrible artwork of various game characters being tragically mutilated. You'll be getting my medical bills in the mail. (Oops, I forgot to put on the postage).

Hmmm. This letter isn't yet long enough...... oh, I know what I can do........ (Sung to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star")

Shut-up, shut-up, Tiptup Fans.

You should be beat with soda cans.

How can you raise that turtle high?

I'd like to watch him burn and fry.

Shut-up, shut-up Tiptup goons

Why don't you shave a baboon


"Thank you, Thank you, oh I'm not worthy of your applause. Thank you..."
Amanda Schroeder
PS. When can I expect Banjo-Tooie to course through my veins?

Rare Says:

I hope your mother's not reading this, with you swearing all over the place like that. (By the way, could you fill us in on any particularly crude slang that we might be interested in?)

There's still no solid release date for Banjo-Tooie, and there probably won't be one until much nearer its heartily generalised target zone of 4th quarter '99. Er, sorry.

Dear perfectly normal people at Rare,

I do so enjoy reading your site and laughing uncontrollably at the lovely hidden messages. It's nice to see that you bag your own characters. I also do enjoy playing your high-quality manufactured games, and have an idea for one.

Do you remember a British comic strip character called 'Mickey the Mouth', who, to my utter surprise, talked rather loudly? I believe that he would make an amusing, if not interesting charater to play a game with. Imagine running around a resturant, going up to a person and saying PASS THE SALT THANKS MATE which is followed by violent earthquakes and other cataclysmic effects. Anyway, take it into consideration.

My absolute favourite game out of your vast library would have to be Banjo-Kazooie. Not for the fantastic gameplay, or the cameo appearance of the great and all-knowing Tiptup, but for another reason. A certain item in Wozza's cave that Kazooie would like to stick somewhere, most likely a keyhole. That's right, it's your favourite item and mine, the spinning polygonal key. Please include this object into future games, as I do so enjoy spinning objects. The jiggies really fascinated me, but nothing thrilled me more than watching the spinning polygonal key completing its vast circluar motion. Once I receive Banjo-Tooie, I will not even pick up the key to unlock secrets: I will leave it in peace, for it to spin forever more.

I know it's a bit much to ask, but in Banjo-Tooie, could you please make all enemies spin constantly? If that is too much to ask, then just a 'Museum of Spinning Objects' would be fine. I would enjoy so seeing more objects spin. Perhaps you could put Mickey the Mouth in the museum and cause him to spin... but I'm babbling. Enjoy your stay in the exciting land of internet connection, where people like me are just a click away.
Ben Kosmina
PS, Please look out for my soon to be released book - 'Spinning Polygonal Keys and How They Affect Society (for the Better)'

Rare Says:

Yes, that's right. We always try to include as many spinning objects as possible in our games, being acutely aware of their fundamental importance in society. (Peers out from under table.) Right, I think he's gone now.

And nobody I've asked remembers Mickey The Mouth. Are we all too young, or too old, or just too tightly ensnared in the grip of mainstream culture, or what? Or have you just made it up and I've been making a complete arse of myself by asking people about it?

Ye Great and Revered Scribes,

Exactly what feat of greatness must be performed by Banjo/Kazooie to break the curse on Mumbo Jumbo? It says somewhere (game or manual, most likely manual) that Grunty cursed him for some reason (helping jinjos or whatever) and put that skull (mask?) on his face. Also, the scales could be included if he were a jinjo. Jinjos have magical powers, and what else from that reality could he be, really? I don't think he's a kremling. A pink kremling with partial scales? That would have to be some curse. I think that either he or other jinjos would have acknowledged the poor shaman if he were one, however. Then again, none of the jinjos have displayed an ability to talk (I assumed the messages atop the tower was magical communication, not actual speech, like Obi-Wan saying 'Use the force, Luke!' only less literal). However, Mumbo can talk... perhaps the skull face gives him proper articulatory organs? Whoa, too much thought on this subject. Anyway, since answers to these questions have not seemed to be forthcoming, could you just tell us exactly what revenge we must exact on Grunty to get the good old Mumbo we never knew back?Also, I don't have any problems with TipTup. I like TipTup, he kind of stays in the back and doesn't try to make waves, I don't think he'd be comfortable making his own game. However, I do think he's in prime position to be a 'running joke' (not offensively, it's a documented style of humour) cameo character. He could appear to some extent in every Rare game afterward (other than those like GE or PD, with 'realistic' themes). I think that is the legacy TipTup would like to leave behind. And 'humour' is spelled right, for any American simpletons. Not to imply that all Americans are simple, but a larger population leaves us a bigger pool of dumblings to delve into and stereotype with, eh?

Yours when the Empire allows,
TK421 The underpaid, Canadian stormtrooper

Rare Says:

Undaunted by the fact that we've answered this question many times before, I turned to B-K's designer for the latest excuse:

"Oh no! Rumbled! Mumbo's not a Kremling, he's actually Donkey Kong! We were hoping to use the same characters and backgrounds from B-K for
Wonky Donkey Vs. Giddy Diddy In Crazy Kremling Capers 64 (probably not the final name). Damn! That means we're going to have do some work after all.

"In addition, you must remember that Mumbo without his mask would look 'a bit crap' (official artist's opinion), so he'll probably never lose it. Maybe."

Dear Scribes,

OK Rare, although this letter might make you think otherwise, I AM one of your biggest fans, and that's why I have to write this letter of Criticism. After all, it's the real fans who will tell you what you can do to make your games better right?? Anyway, I'm sending this letter on game violence to you because it doesn't really fit into your forum thread. I have a problem with some of your games. I understand that you make your games more or less non-violent so that they are enjoyable for everyone, young and old. But, I see a slight problem with doing things that way. See, anyone who is really into games and visits the web pages and buys the magazines to stay informed will know that Banjo is a top-notch game and go out and get it despite its cute look. But let me present 2 scenarios to you. 1. Mother goes into store with intent of buying a new game for her young child. She looks at Banjo-Kazooie, thinks that would be a fun, non-violent romp of a game, and gets it. They get home and the kid loves the game, at first. See, you make your games so cute that they appeal to the very young, but so challenging that no one that little would be able to beat it!!! So, the mother seeing that her kid is just getting frustrated with the game, is an unhappy customer. Scenario 2. a 20-something guy walks into a game store to get a new game. He likes his games sure, but he never really takes the time to read the magazines to know what's good and what's not. he's more of a casual gamer. So, cruising the aisle, he's looking for a fun, challenging, yet "cool" game. He glances at Banjo, passes it up and gets Turok 2 (a good game too). Now, of course, you and me both know that Banjo is a very good game and I'm totally happy with it, but I know that a large percentage of games fall into one of those 2 categories, And especially for the N64, you're going to see the mother-child thing going on often. In conclusion, why do you make your games so cute that they appeal to the very young but are so hard (for them) that they'll never get very far? Or on the other hand, so cute that it alienates the older casual gamers because they think it would be too simplistic? Anyway, I wish you the best of luck for the future, and no matter how cute they are, WE know they are top-notch games.
Justin Davis
PS. I asked my friends who have a N64 what they thought of Banjo. Most thought it was a gay game, and laughed at me for getting it. I loaned it to them, and they totally changed their mind, and now many are thinking about getting it. So I know this does go on...

Rare Says:

The international success of B-K and DKR should be proof enough that most gamers are educated enough to know what to expect from a game - it's only impulse buyers and members of the blindly anti-cute camp who might dismiss them out of hand, and if these people are happy to miss out on hundreds of great games through ignorance or narrow-mindedness, that's their choice, but they're never going to get the most from the videogames market.

While we can understand your concerns, there's little doubt that had B-K been made any easier, the number of angry older gamers left feeling cheated would have far outweighed any far younger players we would have gained from it, who probably enjoyed the game as it currently stands anyway. We don't feel as if we let any age group down with the final version - it's not as if the younger generation were incapable of making
any progress through it. You're probably underestimating just how accomplished the majority of them are...

Dear Scribes,

I was checking out your page the other day and I saw that Goldeneye duck you had posted and thought why don't you guys make a game about a Goldeneye duck, since it's obvious you like to make games about cute and adorable animals. Maybe you could stick a silencer up his butt or something so when he fires eggs they wouldn't make any noise or somthing like that. I don't know, anyway, I just thought I'd give you something to contemplate.
Beefstick the Great

Rare Says:

The designer was in the room as I read this one, and he looked quite excited at the prospect of including the Goldeneye duck as a Perfect Dark deathmatch character. Look what you've done. If anything ever comes of this, we all know who to blame.


The Swedish word "arsle" means exactly the same thing as your "arse". I FEEL LIKE I'M CONNECTED TO YOU PEOPLE!
Nilsson, Robert Nilsson

Rare Says:

Brilliant! And they've got 'arsch' in Austria as well.

Why can't Grunty die?? That means she'll never die meaning that you'll go on till Banjo-Twohundredie.
Rare Says:

Perhaps she'll become a hippy pacifist or something.

Ok, I wanna see a picture of this wise guy editor... Can you post your mug so we can fantasize while reading?

Rare Says:

That's a very good argument for me
not to post a picture.

I think Perfect Dark should have a 2 player Sainsbury's mode, just to be different.
Iwan Lamble

Rare Says:

Joke Police! He's nicking all my crap gags!

I don't know but some dumb ass loser told me that there was an axe in the Dam (1st) level for Goldeneye is that true?
Yair Medini

Rare Says:

"Some dumb ass loser". Hmm. Surely you suspect?

Terd or turd? What's the difference?

Rare Says:

It's a very subtle and complicated distinction, I'll grant you.

Can Bond urinate on the guard in the Facility level?
Walter Williams

Rare Says:

An unforgivable oversight on the programmers' part, I'm afraid.

I'm stuck in my toilet would you mind helping me?

Rare Says:

Too late - you must have drowned/starved/asphyxiated by now...

Aaron James Mclean

Rare Says:

Are you being metaphorical or just crass and vulgar?

You guys aren't funny.
The Blue Marine
Rare Says:

We know. Merry Christmas.

Wednesday, December 2, 1998

Scribes: December 2, 1998

Dear Scribes,

Hey, guess what? I'm not a babbling idiot! I actually have something coherent to say! And you especially should post this letter, because there's a $100 bill on it's way to your house.... err... I asked nicely. So, I'll start off with my greatest question. You said in Scribes that Donkey Kong Country 64 is not yet under production. Well, actually you just couldn't give us a story line, so am I to assume that if you can't give a story line, that it's not under production? Oh, I also have this little idea, that you crafty 'ol marketing licensing people over there in Twycross are gonna pull a Diddy Kong Racing on us. Remember last year? That game came out of nowhere! Please say this is the case with Donkey Kong 64! Oh, yeah. I'm gonna make a Rare-spoof picture for "all the world to see". Which one do you think would be better? The Banjo-Kazooie group under Godzilla's foot, or Spinal bungee jumping from the Eiffel tower?

Oh, yeah. I have also, (for the pure enjoyment of Scribes readers, only. Please don't send me hate-mail for this) compiled all of the Scribes annoyances into one excruciating, fingernail-on-chalkboard, eyeball-popping sentence. Here goes:

Yo! G! Me Californna, Briatn games good, How u say terd, I say terd, also you say tea 'nd scrumpets, post thsi leterr!!1!111!!!!!111

Phew! Now wasn't that FUN! Oh, and....umm....Oh yeah. I'm sorry. My mind goes off sometimes. You are awesome, man! You put little subtitles into the pictures. I especially like the "innocent of all innuendo banana bird" joke on the DKC3 page. Great work! It had me rolling on the floor, laughing! Oh, just one last thing. How do you guys do that thing on all of your furry cute characters? You know.. the graphics where you can see each individual hair on the character's bodies? I saw this method first in Diddy's Kong Quest. I make 3-D pictures, and I've tried layering transparency maps, and all of that stuff, but it doesn't work like yours! How do you do it?

Thank you for reading this senseless letter. I reeeally (I misspelled really intentionally, just so you know) want to know how you do the graphics, and the stuff about DKC 64.

Forever a fan,
Chad McCanna

Rare Says:

We didn't say
DKC64 wasn't in production, you young scamp. Well, perhaps we did say it ages ago when it wasn't actually in production, but that's alright. We can't give you a storyline because either it hasn't been finalised or it's being kept under lock and key until the team's ready to release a whole load of stuff at the same time, but we'll keep you posted, obviously.

The level of detail on our renders is made possible by the high-end Alias software we use (and some half-decent artists, I suppose). As you've noticed, the hair particle shenanigans only really came into play between the first and second DKC outings.

And Spinal bungee-jumping from the Eiffel Tower sounds like it could be interesting...

Dear Scribes,

How come, at the end of the facility in Goldeneye if you are carrying an assault rifle, Bond manages to stuff the entire thing in his pocket without any effort. In many later stages, he is carrying around 3 or more guns, and his pocket doesn't even bulge? This is even weirder when you have the all-weapons cheat on. He totally stuffs his pockets with everything from tiny remote mines to a tank. Did Gruntilda cast a spell or something on them? It would free up some extra space if he was carrying a TazerBoy Pocket instead. Speaking of which, when will it be available for purchase in the U.S.?

Very Sincerely,

Rare Says:

The normal version of the TazerBoy comes with an on/off switch complete with LED which flashes when battery life runs low. But we've decided to produce a special solar-powered edition for you and you alone, kind sir, which remains permanently on and thus comes without the LED. Because Roximm, you don't have to put on the red light. (Pause.) Laugh now.

Dear Scribes,

Is there actually a port near Twycross or did you just write "Twycross-England" on the side of the ship in Rusty Bucket Bay for the hell of it?

Or are Banjo and Kazooie mysteriously teleported to a small polluted, claustrophobic port in England every time they jump through the world door?
David Sheehan

Rare Says:

Twycross is about as far from any port in the country as you can get, which makes the irony even more clever and amusing, probably. Still, if we're going to get picky, the ship was basically made in Twycross - in some inanely metaphysical sort of way.

Dear Scribes,

The stories to Perfect Dark and Killer Instinct seem remarkably similar. Allow me to explain. Perfect Dark is about a female secret agent (Joanna Dark) sent to investigate a large corporation (Datadyne). Killer Instinct has a secret agent (B. Orchid) sent to investigate a large corporation (UltraTech). Is this just coincidence? It might open up possibilities for KI secret characters in the game.

Oh, oh. Forgot to say something really stupid to get my letter printed.

Rare Says:

So you went back and typed over your original first paragraph with a load of old rubbish? Arf arf.

No, to be fair, I suppose we could have crowbarred Orchid into the plot if we'd wanted to. But that's about the only similarity between KI and PD, and as they're developed by two completely different teams for different target audiences, the likelihood of crossovers is, er, unlikely.

Dear Scribes,

Judging by some of the comments on your letters page, a few people seem to think that a game has to be realistic to be good. Was Banjo-Kazooie ever realistic? How many people outside of a mental institution can seriously claim to have seen a honey bear running around with a backpack containg a breegull and rescuing Jinjos (adorable things that they are, I am quite sure that they do not exist) - none, I should hope. But yet this did not prevent Banjo and his feathered friend gaining unanimous (and deserved) praise and acclaim from everyone fortunate enough to have ever even seen the beautiful game (not football). And what about other games such as Diddy Kong Racing, Mario Kart 64, Super Mario 64, Lylatwars, Forsaken? Okay, realistic games are often good, but the best games are not always realistic. I rest my case.
Frances Cork
Rare Says:

Realism's an almost impossible thing to pin down. The reason people have been picking on GoldenEye's level of realism in particular is because that's a game set in the real world in modern times, so naturally people are going to get a feel for the situation and decide whether or not certain aspects are realistic. With games like Banjo and DKR, of course, they're not intended to be realistic in that sense - and as you say, who can claim to know how a world peopled by fat witches and pirate hippos with gastric problems would work?

Like most things at the end of the day, the ongoing 'realism' scuffle is just a matter of everyone who comes along automatically assuming they know better than the last person.

Dear Scribes,

What on God's green Earth is that little thing that sits beside Rubee? It looks like a legless armadillo. Also, will it be starring in its own game, or making any cameo appearances? And why doesn't it show up in the Rubee picture on the Scribes page? Why, your non-inclusion of that thing has made me start my own New Legless Armadillo Order page. It's too late to stop me now!
Ben W.

Rare Says:

Sorry. That'd be Toots. I don't know why he/she/it's been cut out of that picture up there - probably something to do with his/her/its limited contract. I asked one of the B-K artists to bully a brief introduction out of him/her/it:

"Hello. I am not any species. I have no gender. I don't know how old I am. I didn't get to move around, and I only had one little sound effect. I mean, really, I was the most underrated and underused character in BK. For God's sake, my agent promised it was a major role, but I didn't have any dialogue. Maybe next time I'll get to move around a little - could be tricky, not having any legs an' all, but maybe someone could build me a little trolley. Love, Toots."

Dear Scribes,


I see too much of it, your site must have arse written all over it!


I know I spelt favorit wrong so don't correct me!

Your site is good but don't say arse any more.

One letter said something about Nintendo's arse and you replied it's nice and warm! DISGUSTING!

dfSyuwaetqwfejrfyifwedrerywehgiruhrgfrfi-now look what you've done!

I'll be on a high blood pressure rate all week now!

Bravo, oh here's some Canadian slang; A for ARSEhole!
Maurice Sanderson

Rare Says:

Yes, arse is my favourite word. What's wrong with that? Its flexibility is unsurpassed. My arse, your arse, up your arse, kick some arse, arse off, shut your arse, load of old arse, can't be arsed, arse it up, don't get arsey, arse to that. And the response to the Nintendo's arse thing was meant to convey the sentiment that we're perfectly happy in our business partnership with Nintendo at the moment and feel no overwhelming desire to develop for any rival platform or publisher: some people just took it hilariously out of context...

Dear Scribes,

Regarding letters previously seen I may express a strong opinion in that Guards! Guards! is not better than Small Gods. But then again that's hardly relevant with the price of small shelled aquatic things that seem to have an uncanny knack of conducting an orchestra, is it? Still you lot should all go round and camp out on Terry Pratchett's lawn (assuming he has one) and get him to say that you can make a Discworld game. Yes I know there's those pointy clicky things on the PC and that uhhh Sony whatsit... oh I heard something about it the other week, fairly well known apparently. Anyway, Rare would be able to make a good Discworld game.

While we're at it I found your comments on David Darling and that other guy ummm the Jet Set Willy bloke, very amusing. As such I have decreeded that you shalt knock down the doors of Codemasters and declare that you shall make the next Dizzy game. They'll probably send you to the Oliver Twins and they'll send you to Big Red Bus software and they'll look blankly at you. But someone needs to resurrect that little egg. He needs to be redeemed after the shameful nature of Spellbound Dizzy or those annoying collection type games. You're our last best hope. Just think, you could have "ACTUAL N64 SCREENSHOTS!!!!" emblazoned on the box with large yellow star things encompassing them. "SUPERB GAMEPLAY", "I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT!!!!" - the head programmer.... and other such nostalgic things.
John Edwards

Rare Says:

You are misguided, sir.
Small Gods was one of the weaker novels, sound in premise yet uncharacteristically lethargic in execution. And the Dizzy franchise is an even more obscurely British one than Discworld, which does sort of limit international sales expectations. Perhaps we should do a 2D flip-screen platform game based on the antics of a more established British export such as the Spice Girls, eh? Or perhaps not. Mind, some people seem to think we are anyway.

Dear Scribes,






Juan Jose Alvarez

Rare Says:

I know it's bad form to make fun of someone's English when it's not their first language, but "Please contest me fast!" is the best phrase I've heard all year.

I'm sure you are very interesting, Mr. Alvarez, and I'm sorry you have a trouble. Finishing all the GoldenEye levels on Secret Agent should open up Aztec for you, and finishing them all on 00 Agent should allow you access to Egyptian. Perfect Dark, meanwhile, is still in development and won't be out until next year. We'll be contesting everyone fast with more information nearer the time.

Dear Scribes,

Please tell me what I think is not true. In one addition to Scribes, either the first or second... you said a British delicacy for you all at Rare was quote: "chips and a fag". I'm not sure about in Britain but here in the U.S. "fag" means slang for a gay person. I'm hoping that you didn't mean your favorite meal is chips and a gay person, because then I'd have to think about that every time I went to reach on the shelves for a Rare game.

Please prove me wrong,

Rare Says:

Now that's not a very 90s attitude. Anyway, as I suspect you know and are merely exploiting the potential confusion to comic effect, 'fag' is actually common British slang for 'cigarette'. But hey kids! Smoking's not big or clever - I was merely using it to conjure up a particularly crude example of British cuisine.

Dear Rareware Guys,

Breasts. That got your attention didn't it? Well, this email is basically about them. This email is less of a question, and more of a comment to other readers of this email (assuming that you do post this email onto your letters section) that Jo Dark has great breasts. (The word 'great' is used in this context as a synonym for 'perfect for child-rearing purposes'. I would not on any level condone the chauvinistic-male, sexually-driven practice of 'breast-admiration'. How awful! :))

I mean, judging by the current screen shots that you've offered us adoring public, it's inevitable that people are gonna start complaining that Jo Dark's breasts are nowhere near as 'great' as Lara Croft's. You cannot deny the fact that comparisons WILL be made. But here is my comment to all of those who complain about the apparent, inherent lack of 'child-rearing' properties on Jo Dark: JO DARK IS WEARING A FUTURISTIC CATSUIT.

Anyone seen Lost in Space (the movie, not the show)? Anyone notice Mimi Rogers?? Anyone notice what she was wearing??? Anyone know what Mimi Rogers looks like outside that futuristic catsuitish thing????? Well, for those of you who don't know, Mimi Rogers (outside of that futuristic catsuit thing) gives even Lara Croft a run for her money (in the child-rearing stakes that is :)).

So before anyone starts to give flack to Rare for not making Jo Dark so.... noticeable, well, then I ask you to go rent some Mimi Rogers movies from your local video store (with your parents' company that is).

Please post this up coz that'll make it 3-in-a-row for me,
Joe F. Tangco

Rare Says:

We'd welcome your arguments if only there was a hint of resistance to them in the first place. However, as of yet we haven't had a single negative comment on the size of Ms. Dark's physical assets, and your energetic defence only serves to underline the suspicion that you've been spending far too much time thinking about it yourself. Tut tut, young man.

Dear Scribes,

I am writing this letter in response for the pretty old "Diddy has no tail" letter. You lie! Look at the little picture I found on the July 7th edition of Unckle Tusk! HE DOESN'T HAVE A TAIL!!!!! HE DOESN'T! *Takes more prozac* He really...*passes out*

Rare Says:

Stop it. Not only is it obvious that gravity and Diddy's inverted form are conspiring to conceal the appendage in question, but this render was created during DKC2, a time when Diddy's possession of tailage was never in doubt.

Dear Scribes,

My brother and I came up with this (utterly odd) idea for a game... A sequel to Diddy Kong Racing. The characters are in a race (Ancient Lake) and all of a sudden...Krunch...disappears! The next few races have other characters-Diddy, Drumstick, Conker, T.T., etc. disappear. Then T.T. comes back, escaping the kidnapper, but soon everyone but Bumper, T.T., TipTup, and Pipsy are gone! Pipsy and TipTup suddenly realize that T.T. and Bumper are kidnapping the other racers, since those two obviously gay bums want to be the only racers in the game. When they realize that Pipsy and TipTup are on to them, they leave, preparing a big race that will test your skill. Later, when she finds out that nobody is in charge of the Time Trials mode, T.T.'s good younger sister Timette signs up for that place. In the game, you would start out with all the characters, but as the game progresses, you would eventually lose them. You finally only have the four mentioned, and then Bumper and T.T. would run away, preparing the ultimate challenge. Then Timette would join you. As you progress, you rescue the other racers, and when you finally get to T.T. and Bumper, you have them all! How's that?
Christie and Steven Shepherd

Rare Says:

I can't see how a gay relationship between Bumper and T.T. would work, exactly, and T.T.'s a bit too... unimposing to make a decent baddie (though any fool can see that Bumper's seething with negative vibes beneath that happy-go-lucky exterior) - but other than that it's a groovy idea. We get to re-use the same tracks, same characters and same game engine: all we have to do is block access to the racers as the game wears on and there it is -
DKR2. Masterful.

Dear Scribes,

I wish to take up residence in Nintendo's arse. But first I need to know a couple of things.

1. Ok, is Nintendo's arse warm, or is it rather chilly?

2. How many flats are there in Nintendo's arse, can I get my own or do I have to share with you guys (I don't mind either way, except for Conker HE'S EVIL, NO GET AWAY YOU FURRY LITTLE -bleep-)

3. How much per month in Nintendo's arse?

4. Does Nintendo's arse come pre furnished or not?

5. If I lived in Nintendo's arse would I get to try out yours and Nintendo's pre release flash roms?

6. Since you live in Nintendo's arse you would have played Zelda 64, what do you think of it?

7. If Nintendo asked you to stop renting their arse as a friendly piece of faeces and be absorbed by their arse to become a full time haemorrhoid would you?

8. Have you moved to Nintendo's arse so you can expand in size (that's a big arse)?

9. Would you recommend Nintendo's arse to someone who's never lived in a sphincter before?

Thank you for answering my questions about Nintendo's arse.

Also, what month at THE VERY LATEST do you think Perfect Dark will be popped out of Nintendo's arse?
Teddly Wigglums

Rare Says:

Oh God. IGN64 are going to have a field day with this. I'm saying nothing - in fact I'll deny everything. What? Nintendo's arse? What are you talking about, you mad fool?

Dear Scribes,

I and my friends have been puzzled as to the national origin of Banjo and Kazooie, and were wondering if you'd settle a dispute. I say that Banjo is clearly American, mostly due to his proficiency at playing the banjo, an instrument native to our country. His semi-verbal utterances of "guh-huh" closely resemble those of certain notable American cartoon characters. My friend, on the other hand, maintains that Banjo is British, solely on the basis of his tight, yellow Euro-shorts. We agree that Kazooie's shrill voice, scrawny legs, state of toothlessness, and biting wit clearly mark her as coming from the eastern side of the Atlantic. Is this true, Rare? Does Banjo come from America and Kazooie from England, placing them in the ranks of other fine American-Anglo duos like the slow-witted but well meaning Ronald Reagan and the vicious and birdlike Margaret Thatcher?
P.S. If you're really serious about making famous, suave British characters into popular video games, consider Benny Hill 64. Imagine Benny spewing incomprehensible Cockney gibberish at 60 frames per second, while chasing up to thirty scantily clad women onscreen simultaneously. Then you could move beyond puny BAFTA awards and start racking up the Nobel Prizes.

Rare Says:

Benny Hill's wacky molestation adventures would indeed transfer well to a Banjo-esque 3D environment, but somehow I can't see Rare going for the licence. No ambition, that's us. As for Banjo and Kazooie, er, I don't think they're even supposed to be from this world, let alone a specific country. You're confusing realities again, aren't you? Either you've got too much time on your hands or you need to go back to the doctor for some more of those pills.

Dear Scribes,

In response to "Austin 3:16 Forever"'s little question about why wrestlers interfere with his match, it's probably because he selected the "Battle Royal" or "Gauntlet" option. Here's some advice for you, Mr. Austin 3:16 Forever: ASK THE COMPANY THAT MAKES THE GAME! If you're smart enough to send e-mail, then you must know the difference between Rareware and Acclaim! Even simpler, READ YOUR BLOODY MANUAL!

Oh, yeah, you Rare-people are tickin' me off. I've sent you sooooooooo many letters, and not one is on Scribes! How much do I have to pay you? You've already gotten thousands of my shoddy American dollars from me buying all your merchandise! By the way, I love Banjo-Kazooie more than life itself.

I've asked this before: is there any way that I could get the music to Banjo-Kazooie In sheet music form? You know, all written out with little circles with lines on them?

What kind of education does a person need to become a game maker like you guys? I'm thinking of becoming a computer artist for games.

I wish you well... enough.
Amanda Schroeder

Rare Says:

Don't shout at us. Like that mental bloke in
The Frighteners, we're frightened of being shouted at by women. Even the really strange ones that would rather die than be without a particular game.

The Rare musicians are all neanderthals who make music with stone drums and dinosaur bones, so their compositions never exist in sheet form. Sorry.

Education doesn't matter as much as natural talent and enthusiasm in this industry, though of course you won't get very far if you don't learn to focus your skills (young Jedi). Most of our programmers and artists went through the relevant university courses, but that's not a pre-requisite if you're naturally good enough.

Ah, more fuel for the America vs. The Rest of the World debate...

Dear Scribes,

Sigh... I wasn't gonna get involved in this fight, but they crossed the line. "They" is of course, Spa1886174@aolcom. First of all, on behalf of us Americans, let me apologize for for his opinions. All the games he listed really weren't that good, and not all of them were American games at that!! And he made several uninformed decisions about foreign games. Not all Americans are as ignorant as him. Most aren't actually. If he has such fierce loyalty to America, then join the army, don't write stupid letters... but, to all you Brits out there, I WILL say this, American games don't suck, Sony games suck (usually) and people interpret these as American (even though they usually aren't). And, they all aren't based on the same idea. Do you really expect every game to create an entirely new genre?? And, lastly, I'd like to pat Rare on the back for not taking sides on the issue where it would have been very easy to do so. So, in conclusion, some American games suck, some Brit games suck, and some Jap games suck. There is no real answer to this question, it's all just whatever your personal opinion is. So, on that note, I think I'll go light another candle on my Tip-Tup shrine....
Justin Davis
PS. I forgot to mention, no, I don't think it makes a difference how good a game is by what country it's from. It's all in the hands of the makers.

Dear Scribes,

In response to's letter, this is what I have to say. You must have been REALLY desperate looking for good ol' American games to come up with Cruis'n USA and Clayfighter. Thanks to you, I don't have to write a long argument anymore, because you've just named two nice examples of rubbish, derivative American games for me. Thanks! You also asked what I'm going to do about your response. No, I'm not going to send the French Mafia (???) after you. Rather, I've got a better person to send after you. The best, actually. Uncle Tusk, are you listening? And don't forget--you just called his companies' games "euro-crap". He must be p*ssed. Go get'em Tusk! :-)
Ravi Hiranand
PS And if Tuskie weasels out of this one, there's always James Bond to send round to your place. Or Pipsy. And don't forget Mr. Pants.

Rare Says:

Tusk's straining at the leash, but I'm not letting him go because - hey guys! - everyone's entitled to their opinion. Instead, I'm going to be really fair and open-minded and stuff and take this opportunity to replace a couple of the less popular Random Forum threads with new ones relating to this very subject and the endless moaning about videogame violence. So any further letters on either topic will be automatically diverted there: check it out now and babble some rubbish of your own. Please contest me fast!

Dear Scribes,

Would it be possible to have two Scribes pages, one for letters from the USA and another for letters from the UK and rest of the world. The reason for this being that I usually print the Scribes page so I can read it at my leisure, and I've found that letters from the US are invariably a complete waste of paper.

I mean, how many times do I need to hear about how good American games are, from Americans. In my experience anyone in the UK who shares this opinion is generally 12 years old, or younger. Also, why do Americans feel the need to use at least one slang word in anything they type. In my opinion American games are more often than not completely crap, with terrible graphics and even worse gameplay. That's why, in order to save the rainforests I think you should have two versions of Scribes.
Matthew Sullivan
P.S. When was the last good game that Midway produced, anyone???

Rare Says:

You're a charmer, aren't you? You've even branched out in your abuse from the basic topic of American games, so I'll get all the angry retorts coming to this page instead of the shiny new Forum thread. Still, nothing like a bit of comically generalised controversy to keep the fires burning.

Hidie-ho there, Scriberinos!

Three Scribes ago you fellas posted my "mad" pleas for a Tiptup game, and I couldn't help but notice that your take on it was...less than enthusiastic.

"What is it about Tiptup that inspires such mindless devotion?" you ask? I would hardly call it "mindless". Not only was my letter posted, but you said the big T. would be seen in 1999 AND there were 2 letters backing me up in the next Scribes. GOOD JOB SIR SLUSH2 (If you rare guys dropped Tippy from an eagle and exploded him, you'd be feeling the battery filled end of my remote control against the back of your noggins real quick) and, Will Gordy (but, I'm kinda confused about Gordy...The first half of his letter was obviously inspired by mine and the second part bad taste.). Could a mindless slob do that!? Now I'll just assume Tiptup will be in Twelve Tales in 1999. Here is my argument....

I sit in a cold, grey room, listening to myself breath through my Helmet-Mounted-Breathing-Apparatus. Suddenly, the area beside me is replaced by a small hologram of Tiptup. He is dressed in a black cloak. "How is the construction going?" he inquires.

"On schedule, my Master." I reply. The helmet makes my voice sound like James Earl Jones.

"Good, good. We may have problems lying ahead," he tells me, "there is a disturbance in the Force."

"Yes, I have felt it too." I assure him, knowing what he will say next.

"Young SkyConker is too dangerous, he must be destroyed." he demands.

"I have another plan," I tell him, "SkyConker will turn to the Dark-Side!"

"And if he doesn't??" Tiptup asks, "He may come after you and try to undo our creation before it is complete."

"I have laid a trap here, my Lord." I explain, "Let SkyConker and his Rebel friends come! They will find a FULLY POWERED AND OPERATIONAL DEATH-STAR!!"

Tiptup's image winks out, and I am once more alone in the room. Ominous music plays as I stare out into the cold depths of space. I would turn the squirrel or strike him down with my Television-Remote (The ancient weapon of the Jedi).

So, as you can see, I expect Twelve Tales to star Conker, have Tiptup as the final boss, and the game to take place on the forest-moon of Endor. I trust everything is in order.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go convince LucasArts to make "Dark Forces III: Leia's Double Trouble" in which Luke and Han are kidnapped by King K-Vader-rool and it's up to Princess Leia (who can fly with her two twisted up braids as helicopter blades) and the big oaf Chewie (in blue pyjamas) to save the day via Barrel-Hopping!!

Hhhmmmm....maybe the voices, ur, my ideas are getting mix up a tad.

Beb a.k.a. Eric Rosenlund

Rare Says:

Ah, but read on! Though Tiptup has claimed your soul and many others, the backlash is beginning...

Dear Scribes,

Ok, this whole Tip-Tup debate has got to come to an end. Let's face it, Tip-Tup isn't that great of a character. We all know he's a TMNT throwback, but some just don't want to admit it. He tried for the part, but it was obvious he didn't have that flare that would appeal and relate to the young audiences of the world. He didn't have a firm grasp on such commonly used slang terms like "cowabunga," "totally tubular," or "gnarly." (Oh wait, no one ever used those, ever, did they?) He also didn't have that buff physique nor did he have sufficient training in ninjitsu. While he does appear to have excellent driving skills, I don't think they needed a lackey just to drive the Turtle Van. Furthermore, the TMNT didn't have a huge need from someone with musical skills, now did they? (Although they did put out an album through Pizza Hut, didn't they...) Hell, Tip-Tup couldn't even make it as a Koopa Troopa. Now that's saying something. At any rate, Tip-Tup is nothing but a hack who couldn't make it big time (after TMNT there wasn't an overwhelming need anywhere for a turtle character), so, for whatever reason, he was picked up by Rare. (Why, god, why?)

By the way, how do you Rare folks feel when people write in slamming your characters? Are you bitter, secretly plotting to hire M-I6 to swiftly and silently execute us all, do you even care, or do you just laugh insanely at us since you've reaped millions from us despite our dislike for certain characters? Or do you just take a field trip to wherever and flog random people with dead cow carcasses to release your pent up anger?

Dear Scribes,

Ahh! Morons! They're everywhere! Ahh! Those to whom I refer are those miserable malodourous miscreants that so blindly hail TipTup as a god. TipTup, like any of the characters in DKR (except Diddy, but he's just as bad) is a lousy extra. TipTup was created as filler only so you guys could have a Donkey Kong related game out in time for Christmas. Why do people like TipTup? Because they're idiots!
The one who will bring a stop to this insane following of that fat tub of crap, TipTup

Rare Says:

Harsh words. Unfortunately I can't be bothered creating a new Forum thread just for people to bicker about Tiptup, so I'll have to keep dealing with it right here. Tsk.

We don't really mind when people write in to pick on our characters - you know how mild-mannered the British are. Depending on how scathing the insult was, we either break the perpetrator's legs or just kill them outright so they don't ever get on our nerves again.

And I'm sure the TMNT would welcome any interest from outside parties these days, judging by the state of their latest series. Whoops missus!

Dear stupid messed-up Scribes, (oops, did I say that?)

In your updates I noticed that the dates are 24/7/98, meaning that you put the day first. But on everything else I have ever seen, it is always like this: 1/24/98, meaning that the month is first, then the day, then year. Are you guys totally screwed up, or is it just your country? (No offense.)

Rare Says:

It's our country. We do it the right way round over here. What sense does it make to start with the month, drop down to the day then jump back up to the year when you can just do it all in order from the start? Eh? Can anyone shed any light on this?

Dear Scribes,

Mumbo Jumbo is a Jinjo? Please! That is the most ridiculous theory ever (and yet it is the most popular). Mumbo has scales, where Jinjos do not. Scales? By golly, I've got it! Mumbo is a KREMLING! He looks just like one! That is also the reason he wants to eat Banjo and Kazooie all the time. He's a Kremling!

Rare Says:

Oi! Slush! NO! I appreciate your steady flow of input to the Scribes section and the many salient points brought up therein, but I will not have you trying to impose your dozy species distinctions onto the unsuspecting public! Take your inappropriate Kremling imagery and hop it!


Please send pics of Mr Pants in various seductive poses.

Rare Says:

No chance. I'd have to spend hours drawing them.

The Loony Bin Of U.S.A.

Rare Says:

I hope that doesn't mean they're all TORD with the same brush!!!

Who then, is responsible for that fishy smell?

Rare Says:

Probably the former lead singer of Marillion. Ha ha. Ha.

Does Lupus sniff the aliens' backsides before trying to mount them?
Adem Ay

Rare Says:

It's entirely possible, Computer Boy.

I forgot what I was going to say.

Rare Says:

Excuse me while I mop my brow in exaggerated relief.

I am so hungry. Give me food like honey.

Rare Says:

Buy your own food, like, darling.

Rare is a re TAT is Ra?!?!?!?!...... }8(

Rare Says:

Congratulations - that's the worst yet by a pretty safe margin.

Thursday, November 19, 1998

Ask Uncle Tusk: November 19, 1998

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I am in agony (that is why I am writing to you), I looked in my friend's PlayStation magazine and they stated that RareWare is working for Sony, is it true. I am owning a N64 with Diddy Kong Racing and I am thinking about buying Banjo-Kazooie, and it makes me sick just thinking of Rare working for Sony and is there any info for Diddy Kong Racing 2?

Diddie Becker

Uncle Tusk replies: Would this be the internationally-renowned PlayStation Lies magazine? Don't you think other people would have picked up on it by now if there was any truth to it whatsoever? Duh. Info on DKR2? Nope. None at all. Mainly because we're not doing it.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Hopefully you can help me out here. On Goldeneye I have finished all missions on all levels and the 007 configuration level has been opened up, this being the one where you can change all the enemies health, accuracy, response etc, but you know that already. However I then completed the Dam level on "007" mode making sure that I completed all mission objectives and no little red tick appeared next to the '007' on the screen. Does this mean you can't actually go through all missions again on '007' mode and complete them, or is the configuration mode just so you can go around and have fun changing enemy health and killing the little sods on each level?

Your help on this would be greatly appreciated,

Oly Robinson

Uncle Tusk replies: The designer says: "Try putting the sliders up to maximum then completing a level." There, seems simple enough.

Oh, hang on - he's added something else in brackets... "(It won't work, because the ticks don't appear, but I can't wait to get an irate letter from this man. Maybe we could convince him his cartridge is knackered so he has to go and change it then play the game all over again.)" The swine!

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Hey, I was at, a very reputable source of N64 information, and I was reading this rumour that the team currently working on Twelve Tales has halted development in order to help the development team behind Perfect Dark. As a result, Twelve Tales has been postponed, or maybe even cancelled!

This just CANNOT be true! Is it? I mean, I'm guessing that Twelve Tales is almost complete, considering that you guys have pretty much already decided on the final name, and video sequences of the game have already been released (available at :)).

They also said that an insider claimed that Perfect Dark is "impossibly ambitious." I mean, I can understand that you guys must be pushing the N64 to its extreme limits, but I know you guys can pull it off. It's just like making a huge sandwich: you try to stuff as many things as you can inbetween the two slices; whatever falls out falls out, but you try to keep all the nice goodies to stay in there. I'm assuming that making Perfect Dark is like trying to fit a cow between two slices.

But anyway, the point that I'm trying to make is that I want you to confirm to me, plus the half a billion Conker awaiters that Conker is not getting the pause button, or, God Almighty forbid, the stop/eject button. PLEASE TELL ME CONKER IS STILL ON TRACK!!! I don't want Conker to suffer because Jo Dark wants attention!!

Joe F. Tangco

Uncle Tusk replies: They seem to be losing at least
one marble a day over at IGN64. Where they got this one from, I've no idea. Anyway, allow me to hand you over to the eloquent and diplomatic Perfect Dark designer (who'll no doubt find himself promoted to "a spokesman for Rare" when IGN64 write up a big report on this...)

"The story goes as follows; the PD team got a call from the Conker team who were tired of doing a cutesy 3D platformer; the PD team absorbed the Conker team, and work completely halted on Conker, just like that. Then a few months later on, the original members of the Perfect Dark team, who were by now sickened by violence, left to work on a game that wouldn't harm their sensibilities... Conker. So the two games continue in development, but with completely different teams. And if you believe any of that or the unfounded rumours on which the letter is based, you don't deserve to belong to the 20th Century. Or perhaps you do, from a particularly cynical viewpoint.

"'Impossibly ambitious'? We did our five impossibly ambitious things before breakfast today."

Dear Uncle Tusk,

While I know you like to be mighty secretive about Banjo-Tooie (which causes me to suspect you haven't even started it and just like to lie), something has been bothering me for a while. Will the ice key and question mark eggs open up a secret in Banjo-Tooie, or open up a secret in Banjo-Kazooie? From what I understand already from the designers, in Banjo-Tooie you can raise Sharkfood Island, shatter the ice that's blocking the key, and open up the desert door. So are the items used in the original or the sequel? Any answer is better than no answer, but knowing you guys, the preferred answer would be the second.

Uncle Tusk replies: What? You'd prefer no answer? Well, tough, you're getting one. From what I understand, it's like this: you play B-T, you get access to the secrets in B-K, you go back to B-K and pick them up, you leave B-K again and carry them across to B-T where you'll actually find a use for them. So there's no point trying to get them until B-T comes out anyway, as we've been saying all along. Now please. Ask. Some. Different. Questions.

Yo, Tusk dude what's up.

Here is my question:

Is there a possible way of getting the 2xRCP90's cheat in Goldeneye. I can't get it. It is impossible!!! I got everything else (Invincibility and Invisibility are piece of cake). Now I know I do not need that cheat because I got All Weapons but it is a thing of pride (just like you wearing that funky underwear, hey is that bear skin - Banjo perhaps).

Also I bet I could beat you in Goldeneye Multiplayer.

So if you answer this question it would be kind of nice.

Fedja Kecman

Uncle Tusk replies: This could very easily become GoldenEye Corner.

"None of the cheats are impossible to attain. Streamline what you do during your attempt; avoid unneccessary killing and destruction, however unnatural that may seem to you. Work out the shortest route that includes all of the objectives. It is tough but it is also possible.

"You probably could beat me in multiplayer GoldenEye because I haven't played that in ages, but I could tan your scrawny hide in multiplayer PD."

Oi Tusk ya big fluffy glove puppet with a toothpick,

Don't you ever get jealous of the other combatants, I mean you call that huge thing a sword. It slows you down too much man, I reckon what you want is a single handed axe (like Thunder had before the Glacius incident). Or a crossbow or something that will let you move around a bit more, I mean you're too sodding slow. Now Spinal and Jago have got the right idea when it comes to swords, small, lightning fast and they don't slow them down at all.

P.S. For Killer Instinct 4 or 5 whatever it is now you should be able to choose a weapon as well as a fighter.

Uncle Tusk replies: "The Glacius incident"? What? Anyway, you know what they say about people with big swords and people with little swords. Well, I'm sure they say something. And it's probably true. By the way, if Spinal's got the right idea, how come he's been killed about three times?

Dear Amazing Tusko,

I had a huge letter to send about help for Donkey Kong Country 3, and was waiting for a chance to send it, but I managed to answer all my own questions before I could send it. I worked out what the cogs were for, got all the bonus coins and DK coins, found out how the hell you get past the shooting electricity bit on Knautilus, and found the last few banana bird cages. But there's one more question... how do you get this fabled 105% and secret ending? I have 103% at the moment, and am rated "Top Banana", but apparently if you put in HARDR or TUFST as a code then you can get that much. Do you have to put it in every time you play one saved game or something?!?

DKC3 is my fifth Rareware game that I have, as I also have Diddy Kong Racing (completed Adventure Two), Banjo-Kazooie (all notes and jiggies), Donkey Kong Land (completed, but is there something cool that happens if you get 100%? I wanna know!) and Donkey Kong Land 3 (haven't made it to the lost world cause I don't have all the DK coins, but I'll try again once I have batteries for my Game Boy). I am going to get Twelve Tales when it comes out, along with Donkey Kong Country 64. And by the way, will that be in 2D or 3D? Both ways would be good, as the N64 really needs a good 2D platform game (Yoshi's Story? Mischief Makers? Come on!) but the Kongs would look absolutely brilliantly fantastic in total 3D.

In the famous style of the "Thank You For Not Smoking" signs everywhere, thankyou for giving me a really good and incredibly useful reply to my assorted ramblings.

Peter Escott

Uncle Tusk replies: Use of the TUFST code was detailed in the July 7 edition. Go there. Read it. Like you should have before you came here getting my back up by asking about it again. And no, you don't need to enter it every time, just when you're asked for it when starting a new game after entering the button combination.

The N64 incarnation of DKC would have arrived in shiny 3D, if only we hadn't been forced to can the project so that everyone involved could go and make tea and sandwiches for the Perfect Dark team.

Dear Mr. Tusk,

Seems you haven't replied to any e-mails lately, but I hope I get something from this, for you are the logical guys for helping me. See, I got Goldeneye about 1 week after it came out... deal is, about 1 week ago, to the day, I had an N64 party, and we played 4-player Goldeneye... one of the honored guests was a very good Goldeneye player who got his game about a week before the Player's Choice version of the game came out... he very stately said that my game sucked, which I must admit, it did...

In 4 player, the game's framerate runs extremely slow, and I am not allowed access to the last row of arenas (I have all the way to the Aztec freed up through Secret Agent, and 007 on half of those). He says he has all of them, and they run really fast, and my other friends (who have played his game) all agree... I wanted to know, do we have different versions of the same game, and if so, how can I get the new version and keep my precious cheats? But if we do have the same version, what can I do to make it run better? This is really an annoying problem.

Tony Brook

Uncle Tusk replies: One more for an increasingly weary designer, then.

"The only difference between Player's Choice GoldenEye and pre-PC GoldenEye is the new price. Your 'friends' are having a laugh. The lowest row of mplayer backgrounds cannot be accessed for four-player games due to speed concerns, since they are just sections of backgrounds from the single player game rather than specially designed mplayer arenas. If he has a Gameshark, your 'friend' may be able to open up those backgrounds for four players, but the Gameshark is still unable to make GoldenEye magically run faster while doing this."

Credit where it's due. He might be a tetchy sod, but at least he bothers to answer the stupid questions you lot send in.


Absolutely love your games, blah di blah blah.

In Blast Corps, is there any way of getting the saved games from the pak, onto the cartridge? Reason being, I borrowed Blast Corps from a friend, and have now bought my own copy and would like to transfer my previous saved games to continue from where I left off. Please help.



Uncle Tusk replies: Just for a change, here's an ex-Blast Corps programmer to answer this one.

"Not at all possible, I'm afraid. The format of the save game is different for the two cases (the controller pak version is more accurate etc.)"

Play through the damn game again, you lazy swine.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I read in a magazine that if you beat the set of times given to you after adv. 2 you can access a high speed racing code. I beat all the times and NOTHING. Please tell me that I haven't wasted hours upon hours trying to get something you can't get.

Sean MacGillicuddy

Uncle Tusk replies: I could tell you that, and send you away with a misguided sense of well-being and relief, but it's much funnier for me to nod happily and agree that you've wasted hours of your life thanks to believing any old rubbish you read. There is no High Speed Racing code. The times you're talking about, as we've said before, are the best times achieved by the development team up to that point (though they've been beaten into the ground since then).

Dear Tusk,

On your October 23rd edition of Ask Uncle Tusk, you told someone that the Marksmanship award in Goldeneye means that the person got a lot of head shots. Doesn't a lot of head shots cause someone to get a Most Professional award? I though Marksmanship went to the person with the best ratio of hits to misses. And speaking of awards, did I imagine the time that I got a Triple Kill award? Please ask someone from the Goldeneye team if there is really a Triple Kill award.


Uncle Tusk replies: No. Oh, alright. But only because it pleases me to annoy him.

"Most Professional is Hits:Misses. Marksmanship is Head hits. Think of the hierarchy like this: Professionals will always be more likely to consistently hit the target, but Marksmen (Markspersons) will be more likely to consistently hit a specific part of that target.
"You are not dreaming. There is a Triple Kill Award. Logic should tell you that there is also a Quad Kill Award, though the recipient gets less kudos due to the fact that they probably had to kill themselves to get the award."

Mr. Tusk:

Recently a giant, mutated cat who claims to be yours stepped on my house located near Falkland Island. Because of this, I am now homeless and all my valuables have been crushed. I also regret to inform you that next door was the Falkland Island museum. It too was destroyed. The total amount of damage done to both my house and the museum is to be an estimated $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. Your cat has asked me to tell you that he needs you to send this money via Western Union ASAP, otherwise we will be forced to take action.

Katherine Bree

Uncle Tusk replies: You take all the action you like - I'll kick your face off. Tell Sniffles I've got those nice chewy fish heads he likes, that should bring him home... not that I want him home or anything, you understand, I don't want to even think about the damage he'll do to Maya's new furniture. Then again, last I heard he wanted to kill Maya anyway, so that's that problem solved.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I have a few question and ideas for new games:

1. I've heard about a special code to get a flamethrower in GoldenEye. Is this true, or is it just hopeful thinking?

2. For a new DKC game, you could call it "Donkey Kong Country/Land 4: Kiddy's Crib Nightmares" starring Kiddy & Frizzy Kong.

3. For Perfect Dark, make Joanna look like Wai Lin on "Tomorrow Never Dies" 'cause, dang she's ugly!


Uncle Tusk replies: 1. I don't want to shatter your illusions by saying it's not true, but here's a clue: stop being thick.

2. No we couldn't.

3. The designer says: "Too late. She looks like Meryl Streep, and that's final."

Dear Uncle,

It seems to me that, instead of answering questions, you are using this relatively recent columnist job to vent some stress, caused perhaps by trouble at home or the pressures of a confining office job, and feed on the stupidity of the masses, who, even after repeated bashings, continue like lemmings to submit themselves to your punishment.

Do you need any help?

Nephew Jeremy

Uncle Tusk replies: Vent some stress? Listening to these arse-headed questions all day is what brings about stress in the first place. If I feel the need to vent, I just go out and sumo wrestle some rhinos. And If I ever need any help dealing with idiots, I'll send you a golf club and a list of addresses in the post. You know what to do.

Monday, November 2, 1998

Scribes: November 2, 1998

Dear Scribes,

I've noticed an unsettling feature in Banjo-Kazooie, and I fear that this trend may parade into your future games. Tiptup and Gnawty the beaver were both in Banjo-Kazooie. Then I got to thinking. What if you put Rare characters in other games they are not supposed to be in? I've had erotic visions of Pipsy the mouse in Jet Force Gemini, and I can't quite seem to get the dang gone picture out of my head. Then I wondered if Gobi the camel would show his ugly hiner in JFG. What if you stuck any old character in any old game, just because you guys were feeling frisky? You see, I've made it my life goal to get every game that Donkey Kong (the new Donkey Kong, not that horrid piece of terd Mr. Miyamoto created), Diddy, Dixie, Kiddy, Cranky, Wrinkly, Candy, Swanky, Funky, Banjo, Conker, Tiptup, Kazooie, Timber, Loggo (the most emotionally gripping character ever concieved by mankind), Krunch, etc., is in. I won't buy any Rare game that doesn't have one of those furry little pests in it, and I was wondering, no, I was demanding for the good sake of the Lord almighty for you to announce before hand on your website that a character would make a guest appearance in a game. Maybe I just need to go take a laxative and forget the whole thing. But then of course the demons would visit me again, wouldn't they? And then I would send them after YOU.

Rare Says:

You're determined to squeeze yourself into as many editions of Scribes as possible, aren't you,

Thing is with all this character crossover business, the teams usually keep these little details to themselves until the last minute anyway. But basically, when a team stays together for a second game or a designer starts work on a game along similar lines as one he's done before, there's a fair chance that one or two previously established characters will crop up. Hence, for example, Gnawty in B-K (same designer as DKC), and some others that I can't mention yet...

Why is it none of you can spell 'turd'?

Dearest programmers at Rareware,

I am slightly worried about Perfect Dark. You see, taking it as a futuristic game will lose a lot of realism, and it is realism that makes games. Look at Goldeneye, not too much blood made it realistic, and real weapons too. Everyone complains about the glitches and cheats, but it were them that kept the game going, increasing lastability.

In fact if you look at the amazing games, they were the most realistic. Goldeneye. Command & Conquer: RA anyone? Toca Touring Cars. (Well maybe not actually). Etc etc... The best realism in Goldeneye was if you shot a guard in the head he died instantly, but in Turok, Quake, etc, you've gotta shoot them millions of times, and if you use some bloody stupidly enormous gun, you can wipe out a room full of the critters in one go. Although the Rocket-Launcher could have been improved it was far better than the BFG or Fusion Cannon.

I'm really looking forward to PD, but please reassure me...

Oh and one more thing, vehicles in multiplayer would be cool. Did I say 1 more thing? I meant 2. Last thing, instead of wasting valuable cartrige space with the staff's faces, use this for other things that make more difference.
Miron Badowsky

Rare Says:

The GoldenEye/PD designer says: "You have absolutely nothing to worry about. As far as Perfect Dark is concerned, that is."

He also says: "The extra face textures made a difference for some people. The amount of space taken up by the faces is negligible; there is really nothing that would fit in such a tiny space that would make as much difference as that."

Hey, that was good. I hardly had to write anything.

Dear Scribes,

Can you silly Brits with your crooked teeth please make Cruis'n 3?? I think it would be awesome. You can make a new game engine and stuff and have and opional Sim Mode where you get 200 cars and call this mode Gran Turismo Copy mode. Oh, and is it tea and scrumpets or tea and crumpets? Is it right ass or ripe ass..I mean arse. See ya old beans.
Rick Coan Strikes Again

Rare Says:

Don't joke about it - you'd be surprised how many people think we were behind
Cruis'n USA. And while tea and crumpets can both consitute important parts of the breakfast ritual, rarely are they taken together. Your knowledge of British cuisine is sketchy at best, sir. I don't know what the ass thing is all about.

Dear Scribes,

I am responding in anger to Crazy Albert's letter complaining about the violence found in Rare games. He blames Rare for the increase in violence and fatalities among children. But I think he is forgetting a very important exception... Killer Instinct. Although the first N64 Rare game, it stands today as the pinnacle of Rare's contributions to society. Where Banjo and Tup-Tup's havoc wreaking causes grown men to wet themselves, Killer Instinct is a suitable alternative for pre-schooler entertainment when the Teletubbies aren't on. I think we should not let such bloodfests like Twelve Tales blemish Rare's reputation for accessible, educational, and morally stimulating children's games.
Billy Rothwell

Rare Says:

Ah, now that's true. There's nothing quite as hair-raising as Timber's demented stare or Conker's incessant hyperactive shrieking to be found in any Killer Instinct game. And there's no camel abuse either.

Dear Scribes,

I've noticed that there is quite a push from gamers for games to be released with so much gore that they deserve an 'R' rating. It is easy to see the two sides of the argument, eg. Why can't we have a realistic amount of blood in a game like Goldeneye, we are mature enough to handle it. On the other hand, why should 13 year olds be denied the brilliant gameplay of Goldeneye because it contains a lot of blood which they are not allowed to see. Without declaring censorship right or wrong, I though I might give you something to think about. I don't know exactly how this would work or the practicalities of it, but my idea was to have different rating settings within a cart. You could tell the cart what rating you wish it to have when you first turned it on and this would be saved permanently into the cart's memory. The programmers would design, say, three levels of gore, which I can't imagine would take too much memory. This way parents could set the level of gore once and they could then be safe in the knowledge that the kid would not encounter anything they shouldn't. Alternately, there could be a simple password system so the level of gore could be changed if one made a mistake. Or, you could simply sell carts with different ratings (although that would obviously mean higher production costs and retailers having to stock more, plus greater inconvenience for consumers should a shop not have the rating which they want).

Is any sort of plan like this feasible?
John Fletcher

Rare Says:

As we've always maintained, we think we got the level of violence in GoldenEye just about right: effective without being excessive, satisfying without being objectionable. What you see is what you get. So while some variation on your idea is probably feasible (and there have been plenty of games to make use of a 'Blood On/Off' code), we don't really see the need to compromise an original design brief just to cover as many bases as possible, even those that don't really work in the circumstances (e.g. buckets of blood chucked into GoldenEye's essentially realistic stealth-based missions). It's possible, but it's also a bit of a cop-out not to choose a consistent gore setting to begin with.

Dear Scribes,

B&K is a top game, its reputation sealed for me by some of the dubious humour. A good example being the inclusion of "Admiral Browneye the dirty pirate" as one of the possible answers in Grunty's quiz. Perfectly innocent mistake or king sized innuendo who cares, this type of caper coupled with the bird's huge melons in the closing credits just goes to show that Carry On is not dead. Good work fellas.
Pete West

Rare Says:

Oh, it was perfectly innocent, naturally. In fact we don't even know what you're talking about. Innuendo? Captain Browneye? What innuendo? What's wrong with you?

As for the melons, funnily enough innuendo was only substituted for blatant crassness in that case when Nintendo complained about the original scene. Heh heh.

Dear Scribes,

As a long-time Rare gamer, I feel obligated to give you some good advice. When you don't give us any solid information on future games, such as Donkey Kong 64, or some of the countless others you hint at, it doesn't make you endearing, it severely arses the dinkers of the world. People just don't like it when you hint cryptically at things some people make religions out of (I mean, good God, look at what little TipTup has stirred up!). So, unlike most people, I'm going to tell you exactly what you need to do to put everyone on good terms. Instead of saying, "An ape-related game is not in development. However, Snumpy-Chumpy 64 will be hitting shelves soon,", or some other sarcastic comment, say, "Donkey Kong 64 will come out sometime in the future. Co-starring will be Snumpy-Chumpy, who will later be appearing in Pansy: Little Flowers, Big Guns 64," Now see? Not only have you given us some solid information for us little elastoplasts to stew over for a good month, but you've thrown in a snide comment to boot!

Think about this. Or Snumpy-Chumpy gets it.
Ben W.

Rare Says:

Hang on. "Donkey Kong 64 will come out sometime in the future" is classed as "solid information"? But we've been saying that for ages. Anyway, we don't see the point in announcing a game as soon as we've thought of it - there'd be no screenshots, fixed storyline or gameplay details available for months, whatever initial details we
did have would probably change during development, and we'd be subjected to even more vicious hate mail should the game eventually be delayed. When we do, in fact, have some "solid information" on a game to release, we'll release it. Really.

Dear Rare people,

Personally, I prefer Well-done people, but since I'm not writing to discuss my culinary tastes, I thought I'd ask what exactly "phhrrrpp" is supposed to mean and/or represent. I noticed that it was used in a reply, and I can't say that I'm familiar with the word. If it was intended as an onomatopoeic device, I'd like to know how the heck you make that sound. "Thbpbpthpt" and "Phbbbt" are the acceptable expressions here on the Western side of the Atlantic.
Simone Parks

Rare Says:

Maybe it's just my Welsh upbringing, but to me "phhrrrpp" seems much easier to pronounce than "thbpbpthpt" or, indeed, "phbbbt". None of those inconvenient hard 'b' sounds to disrupt the flow. Anyway, you seem to be jumping to conclusions with regard to the nature of the orifice used...

Dear Scribes,

I am in a bit of a dilemma, should I follow the usual route of messages to this forum; arselick (love the games), quibbles about Goldeneye (why can't I mutilate/open/ X), when is game X coming out (Perfect Dark/Conker 64/JFG...) or simply get straight to the point.

Ok. I have decided to get to the point.

I demand to know the names of the individuals at Rare responsible for the bloody annoying voice of TT in Diddy Kong Racing. For anyone who hasn't played this great game, TT sounds like a teenager inhaling helium and trying to speak in a high pitched voice!

"Now try and beat my time."

"No, no, no, wrong way."


Come to think of it, TT is probably the voice of the same sadistic git who designed those annoying hover fly buzzy things in Bubble Gloop Swamp and outside the summer door in Click Clock Wood.

If this accusation is true, I leave it up to Rare to suitably discipline this employee my ordering him to play Mr Nutz on the Amiga for a week!!!!

Rare Says:

The DKR character voices were supplied by various DKR team members (and then fiddled about with by the music department, obviously). This is certainly the case for T.T.'s voice, but we think the man responsible for that one has been punished enough in recent weeks by 'accidentally' (so he says) buying the B*Witched album. Surely he doesn't deserve any more pain?


Congrats on having the best web presence of any games company EVER. And for not apologising for being British :-)

Anyway, I couldn't help but notice David Darling in News of the World a few weeks back, "lonely and looking for love". Did you find this as amusing as me? So I was wondering, as someone keen to work in the games industry, is it an industry requisite that you be unable to sustain (or, alas, even ignite) a relationship with the opposite sex in order to be successful?

If so, I suspect that there is a possible relationship between the celibacy of a company's employees, and the quality of their, er, "output". With such reckoning in mind, I propose that Rare staffers be rewarded with a slap-up, expenses-paid trip to Soho when their games ship. Hey, it would make for some interesting photos for the site, right?

Is this your secret? Are Rare's geniuses all keen onanists? And does this mean that THQ staff get laid all the time? ;-)
Nick F
PS When I saw some Rare staffers at ECTS (a few programmers, 3D artists and testers) I got all excited - like I'd just seen video game royalty. Luminaries like Dave Perry (the "Shiny" one), William Lathlam and even Ed Lomas just couldn't compete... What *is* it you do to maintain such a mystical allure?
PPS I bet you don't post this.

Rare Says:

Au contraire, sir. Most of the Rare crew are such crazy party animals that they spend
every night out and about in the local equivalent of Soho, not just one or two celebratory evenings at the end of a project. Unfortunately the local equivalent of Soho is a few square miles of fields, and we didn't want to shatter your illusions by showing you pictures of bleary-eyed Rare staff members trying out their best chat-up lines on cows.

I personally thought David Darling's article was "absolutely brilliant!!!" (and I'm sure the old school readers will know where I'm coming from there).

Dear Scribes,

After reading some of Nintendo's website, I understand Twelve Tails will not be released until 1999. Now, if I do my math right, that means you folks will have released one (count them, ONE) game in 1998. Albeit a quality game Banjo is, I had no idea your company's name described the frequency with which you completed games. Come on Rare! Give us something to work with here. At some point you've got to cut the umbilical cord and send your children out into the world to see how they'll fair. Have some faith in yourselves! Do you need a good inspirational speaker to come visit you there in Twycross or something? Let's go! 12Tails, JFG, PD, B-K2, DK. Move MOVE MOVE!

Motivationally yours,
Dave Lewis

Rare Says:

That's just the way it's worked out. If we laid down solid rules that Game X had to come out in Month X so that there'd be a nice gap before the equally fixed release of Game Y, we'd end up with a load of below-average and/or half-finished games. Then, of course, our reputation would nosedive and nobody would care less whether our games came out for Xmas or not. You're right, we can't hold them back forever, and we don't try to - just until we're satisfied that they're not going to disappoint.

We do realise that our '99 schedule is pretty unbalanced compared to the '98 situation, but there's not a lot we can do about that now. Other than delay loads of games into 2000. Would you like that, sir? Would you? Would you like that?

Dear Scribes,

The Corrs: You know 'em, lead singer or the drummer. Who's the best?? It just has to be the singer in my opinion, I'm just finding out what everyone else thinks.

Ask around at work and tell me the results, unless you've got anything better to do like write the mutt's nuts of games (if you are then release the b*st*rds sharpish, I'm impatient).

Rare Says:

A spot of fairly diverse polling has resulted in a narrow victory for the singer, which is fine by me. Surprisingly, no votes for the drummer, but quite a few for the violinist with the funny nose.

You see, we're easily manipulated when you know how. Stupid questions about our games: no chance. Stupid questions about anything else: you're on.

Dear sirs and knightly developers across the pond,

My friends and I play Goldeneye multiplayer consistently and we wish oh so much to have more levels available in four player mode. All reasons for these functions to not be available in Goldeneye seem to point at slow frame rates and severe lagging of the system. But if one were to install the RAM expansion coming out in November, would the speed be increased enough to allow for these levels to be playable in multiplayer? I suppose that someone would have to incorporate that into a GameShark or some other hacking device, or in the N64 DD or something. So, basically my question is: How will the RAM expansion affect Goldeneye's multiplayer mode? Could more levels be playable if they could somehow be accessed for multiplayer mode with the upgrade?

Sincerely and hoping to kill old friends in new ways,
Ryan Sturt "Janus Special Forces"
P.S. I hope Perfect Dark's multiplayer will be able to keep score over time and between multiple matches. You could just tally up kills and suicides and deaths and score the "Characters". So if someone were to always pick the same character he or she could get a good idea of their score/average gameplay. That would be fun!

Rare Says:

Perhaps unsurprisingly, I roped in the designer to answer this one for me:

"Installing a RAM upgrade will not make any difference to the GoldenEye cartridge. The cartridge is not set up in such a way that it will use the extra memory. You could use a Gameshark to try and alter this. And then complain to the makers of the Gameshark when it fails to work. This would please me greatly." He was rather less vocal on the subject of multiplayer, simply stating: "We have a lot of plans for the multiplayer section of Perfect Dark." Expect good things.

Dear Scribes,

I just wanted to say that I think it is really unfair that you have a contest with rules (25 words or less) then you go and give the prizes to people that did well over this limit.

I spent a long time trying to come up with something that fit the rules and I don't see why you didn't make this a prerequisite in picking the winner.

Marian Taylor

Rare Says:

I know. I know. Sorry. But to be fair, most of the entries were pants anyway before the 25-word limit even came into it, which meant that if we had ultimately stuck to our guns, the compo results would have been a travesty. Still, we know better next time. Foolproof ideas for future competitions gratefully received.

Dear Scribes,

Hello again. I'm writing in to pester you about a few things. Now now, I'll get to the actual game pestering in a minute, but I first must pester you about this. I was reading the Rare Life page, and under DKC3 Programmer, I read this:

"Forget those earlier contributions to music, graphics, and - God forbid - game design. I mean, look at those early Spectrum games. Matthew Smith didn't have a bloody clue..."

As you obviously know (or don't), my name is Matthew Smith. I assume that your DKC3 programmer is just one of my many worshippers who will bend to my every command until I take my place as the rightful ruler of the world, but then I started to get some nasty stalking thoughts in my head, and came up with a better solution as to why my name was one your site: you were mocking me. I must have sent in a letter to Scribes, and you must have shown that nutty programmer my letter, which must have made him all p*ssed off at me, so he in turn mocks me. Well, thanks for putting my name on your site.

Now for the games. As you keen fellers at Rare know, Turok 2 is shaping up to be one bad MOTHA of a game. What with the high-res graphics, and 4MB Expansion Pak use and all. My question is, what are you doing to top Turok 2? May I suggest co-op? Well, that's all for now.
Matthew Smith
P.S.: "Arsed" means "to arse".

Rare Says:

Heartened and inspired by your letter, we've abandoned Perfect Dark completely and started work on
Jet Set Jimmy, a new Bond game with Pierce Brosnan infiltrating the vast mansion of his new arch-enemy, Maria the housekeeper.

How do you get past the Solar Power Generator, anyway?

(If, as I suspect, only a fraction of you know what I'm on about, you may or not be interested to learn that Matthew Smith was the man behind the early 80s Spectrum classics
Manic Miner and Jet Set Willy. Our DKC3 programmer was being ironic: these, worryingly, are the games that shaped the childhood of many a Rare staffer...)

Dear Scribesman,

I hate those stupid ads you have on TV for your games. They deserve better! So, I have come up with a commercial for Banjo & GoldenEye... all in one!!!!!

First, the 007 theme music plays while that little sniper rifle thingamagingabob borders the screen. Then, Banjo slowly walks out into the middle of the screen. He reaches the middle of the screen, turns to you, and ducks. Kazooie pops out and shoots an egg at the camera. The egg hits, and instead of the blood flowing down the screen, yellow egg yolk does.

Voice of Banjo: Tha nayme's Baynjoh... Baynjoh Kahzoooie.

Kazooie: SQUAWK!

Heeheeeheee! Funny huh? It sure beats the er... junk out of that DKR ad. I mean, come on, a stupid little speedometer goes higher and higher until it breaks. Then, about one second of game footage is shown! I HATE IT! IT STINKS! THE STUPID LITTLE THING GOES HIGHER AND HIGHER UNTIL IT POPS! I'M COMING DOWN TO YOUR MARKETING DEPARTMENT AND DOING WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE A LONG TIME AGO!!!!! Oops... medicine time.

Rare Says:

That's not a bad idea. Unfortunately we don't have a 'marketing department' and we don't have anything to do with Nintendo's advertising campaigns either, so your entire letter is one big protracted bark up the Tree of Archetypal Wrongness. Sorry.

Dear Scribes,

I was just reading your reply to the question about TipTup and I noticed that your answer involved a turtle being dropped from a great height by an eagle. My question is, did you get that from Small Gods by Terry Pratchett? That is the best Pratchett book I've read so far. One thing, does that mean TipTup is really a god in the form of a turtle? It makes so much sense. Now I know where he gets that impossibly annoying voice. It's supernatural!!! (you see, I'm an American, so that no one I know actually reads Pratchett).

Rare Says:

I didn't copy nuttin'! That's what eagles do, or some big bird of prey, anyway. They drop turtles onto rocks to smash the buggers open. It's true! That's how Aeschylus was killed - right kids?

Small Gods was nowhere near as good as Mort. Or Sourcery. Or Guards! Guards! Or...

Dear Scribes,

Here's a little snapshot of your guys trying to make a move on me. They didn't quite make it, but Banjo was really tough to beat.

Dodgy DKR Rip-Off Pic

Daniel Hauck

Rare Says:

Yeah - I tend to use a cricket bat (arf arf).
Cheers for the pic, though. Anyone else out there staged a ridiculous Rare-related photo shoot they'd like to show off to the world?

Dear Scribes,

With reference to the letter from Randall Mourning on
the lack of gore present in Goldeneye I would like to comment by adding to the wording of the following proverb as follows: "Sticks and stones (and bullets) may break my bones (and inflict significant and possibly fatal organ damage) but mines (and rockets but probably not grenades unless I lie on one) will spread my constituent parts over the surrounding area". Replies please on a postcard.
Paul Ladle

Rare Says:

Is that a vote for or against? It's so hard to tell first thing on a Monday morning.

Dear Scribes,

To Mr Ravi Hiranand - a rebuttal that American games rule!

So you think American games suck huh? So you think they are all based on that one brilliant game idea huh? Well here's something for you to listen to Mr Ravi Hiranand: AMERICAN GAMES RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where does that brilliant game idea come from? THE US! Brilliant ideas such as Quake, NFL Blitz, Clayfighter, San Francisco Rush and Cruisn' USA....and what about Twisted Metal? Let's see Diddy Kong Racing match up to that!

You think foreign games are so hot because they strive to be different? Now look at Capcom.....They pretty much add a new word to the end of the title and POW! There's another Street-Fighter game. You think Squaresoft is so cool because they make sophisticated RPG's.....Well let me tell you something it's just the same old game with different FMV. Oh, Rare is so cool because they don't hype games. Well Rare's euro-crap is an excuse for more un-original Mario clones.

So before you say what sucks and what does not, think that all game developers make stupid mistakes once in a while and even though the game isn't original the most important thing is that the game is fun. Something foreign developers are beginning to forget.

What are you going to do about this response? Are you going to send the French mafia after me? With their white guns covered with lace? Sipping wine? Oh, I'm so scared!

Rare Says:

I'm not sure the rest of the sane world would agree with you on some of those "brilliant ideas" you quote. Still, I'd be inclined to sympathise with some of your arguments... if only you hadn't expressed them all in such a mindlessly superficial way. Think about what you're saying next time, because at the moment you're just feeding ammunition to those you're trying to put down.

Dear Scribes,

Stop it! Stop it now! Quit arguing about which country is better! Do you people honestly think that where you come from determines how good the games will be? Yes, Rare is one of the greatest developers ever. It just so happens they're from England. Nintendo follows a close second, but everyone forgot to notice that the U.S. market, along with all the other countries, is greatly affected by Nintendo's success in Japan. Why are U.S. games hyped so much? You got sites like IGN64 (based in California) on the web. I, being in the U.S. (and living 40 minutes away from Nintendo), am not a whiny person. I don't complain every sentence (this letter is called an opinion), and I don't crave blood and flying limbs. While on that topic, how can you consider exploding body parts realistic? Oh boy, shot in the arm. Think I'll explode now. No, that's not how it works. You've seen too many horror films. Where was I? Ah, yes. Just remember not to give Mr. Pants a wedgy. He'll haunt you the rest of your days.

Rare Says:

Hmmm. Basically sensible entries to two arguments in one letter. Unusual. So you're saying that the country of origin has no bearing whatsoever on the state of the final product - but obviously not everyone else agrees. The question remains: does the ratio of good to bad games being produced remain equal from country to country? And does the situation vary on a single/multiformat basis? Or what? Eh? Do you even care?

Now then, let's see what responses we've had to the ongoing Tiptup debate this month...


Everyone is begging Rare for a Tiptup game. You idiots need to stop sniffing paint, and give the people what they want. Did we ask for Perfect Dark? NO! But it has the Goldeneye engine right? WRONG! Sure it has the engine, but the point is, it's not the same without Bond. Tiptup, Bond, getting a picture? You're too blind to see. We keep giving great ideas, and it gets lost somewhere up your butt. Sorry for dissing you, but I had to give someone a wake up call. Why don't you make Tiptup an agent, side by side with Timber? Out to rescue Diddy or something. I've written you and Tusk plenny of times but neva saw my letter posted up. I know what people want and what I want. And that is Tiptup.
Ice Cream Man

Dear Scribes,

The Explanation to why everybody loves TipTup dates back as far as the prehistoric days. Primitive Cave People would use the turtle's dinosaur ancestor as Simple Household Devices like Water Faucets and Footstools. Now picture the late '80's. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Fever has infested a nation (not unlike the Pokmon Invasion happening Across the World). Everyone at least owns one, ensuring an instant love of Turtles everywhere.

Now Picture Diddy Kong Racing's Release. Everyone Rushes to EB, Toys-R-Us, and Wal-Mart to buy the game to see one thing:

The Game's Similarities to Mario Kart. No.

The Ingenious Track Design and Lush Graphics. No.

To See the Famous Hero Diddy Kong and Future Hero, Banjo. No.

The Answer is to see TipTup. You know it, I know it, The whole world knows it.

He's the fastest character, next to that freak, Pipsy, and he's pretty funny-looking. Me and many of my friends have created the "New TipTup Order". You should all pledge allegence to TipTup. Make your own chapters of the "New TipTup Order" with your turtle-loving friends.

Thank You,
Rollie "KillDiddy" Pemberton


I think I got the answer to your question about what makes Tip Tup such a favourite: he reminds a lot of people of the one and only original KOOPA TROOPA. And that's why we need a Mario Kart 2 developed by Rare including Koopa Troopa excluding Wario. And if Nintendo is doing the sequel themselves they should at least hire your DKR-team for support. Because Mario Kart 64 wasn't really the Super Mario Kart sequel I was hoping for.
Roger Beckers, The Netherlands

Dear Scribes,

Teenage Mutant Ninja Tip Tup!!! Turtle Power (No, not girl power, which is where the Spice Girls got it from)!!! Tip Tup should be Rare's mascot and be featured in every game. He could be a secret character in Perfect Dark. Also, you could make him in the opening sequence of your games like the Iguana for Iguana's games like on Turok. That would be cool. But, instead there could be this Hedgehog and Bandicoot checking each other out at a tree and right before they kiss each other, Tip Tup fires at them with everything he's got, which is a turtle shell! It'd be like Mario kicking a Koopa shell, only TipTup shooting his own shell at them. Then they'd die and that would be cool. Oh my God, they killed Sonic! Bwa ha ha!

Dear Scribes,

It's Mr. Pants that deserves his own game, not Tiptup. Think about it: Tiptup is slow and witless. Mr. Pants, on the other hand, is provocative, scantily-clad, and easy to draw. Anyways, I have bought and enjoyed Goldeneye 007, but, try as I have, I am unable to find Goldeneye 001-006. What shall I do?
Chad Acosta


I'll tell you why Tip Tup is so popular, it's because he's an idiot. Now you tell me how many idiot computer game heroes are out there. Hardly any! The majority of them either have bulging biceps or bulging breasts, not the brain capacity of a lemming. Another reason why he is so cool is that he is such a realistic hero. There tend to be more idiots outside than bouncy women period. Well anyway if Tip Tup doesn't get his own game at least make sure he gets a cameo in either Banjo-Tooie (heh) or Perfect Dark.

From an Aussie that doesn't eat beans or has a pet kangaroo,

Rare Says:

So there you go. A wide variety of opinions, some of which, inevitably, make more sense than others. I'll make sure the old DKR team are aware of the monster they've created - whether or not this will prompt a triumphant return for Tiptup remains to be seen...


If you could escape from Nintendo's massive arse would you consider developing for SEGA - i.e. Dreamcast or would that turn your Golden Handshake brown?

Rare Says:

Nintendo's massive arse is nice and warm at the moment, thanks.

Why does Banjo go "Gahuh"? Is this French for "Uh-huh," or what?!
Michael Pelensky
Rare Says:

If only he were that cultured...

Did you realise "rare ware" means "strange goods" in Dutch? (Actually, it's rare waren, but most Dutch people don't pronounce the n at the end of a word, anyway).
Caspar van der Heiden

Rare Says:

That's weird, because it means "soiled pants" in Welsh. Maybe.

My friend thinks that Banjo is gay because of his shorts. Is he really?
Fedja Kecman

Rare Says:

Are you referring to their colour or dubious skin-tight nature?

It's amazing how much half-arsed British culture you can learn from the Scribes page. No, wait, it's sad, really. Never mind.
Nicholas Killewald

Rare Says:

Hey - we might not be funny, but at least we're educational.

Just want to know in the first ending on Banjo-Kazooie, why is Mumbo BBQing Banjo's goldfish alive?
J Dean

Rare Says:

Sssshh! You didn't see that.

What is the deal with WWF War Zone every time I start a match other wrestlers get involved.
Autin 3:16 Forever

Rare Says:

I think that's supposed to happen. Oddly enough, I'm not sure.

Is it true that in Japan, Banjo-Kazooie is known as Super Rural Twang Device with Vibration Flute?
Bennett Darrow-Chicago
Rare Says:

No, it's called
Calm Down, Mr. Formby.

I like Rubee. I think.

Rare Says:

I'm afraid he's more into animals.