Wednesday, June 23, 1999

Scribes: June 23, 1999

Dear Scribes,

"Howdy, a new update!" I said to myself. "And it's not more boring Perfect Dark screenshots either! Hey, a cast list for Jet Force Gemini! Now I can see what Mizar finally looks like!" So I clicked on the thing and it took me away to the magical world of the cast list. I was so excited, I braved the long loading time to finally catch a glimpse of big bad Mizar. Enter the complaint department.

"BAHHHH!!!! Mizar's a big question mark!"
Not since the evil glove from Super Smash Brothers has there been a more disappointing villain. How do you fight a giant question mark, and how does a mark (the question variety) become a mad tyrant? In the past you've given us such villains as K. Rool, Eyedol, Gargos, KAOS, Gruntilda, the runaway nuclear missile thing, and other lesser known more forgettable types. But now Rare has sinken to a new low. A giant question mark is a villain for a game. I don't particularly understand it myself, but hey, whatever works for you...

Of course it could be that you just don't want us to know what Mizar really looks like because he's Wizpig, but whatever the hell.

Rare Says:

O ye of little faith. No, he's not Wizpig, you cheeky so-and-so. We just haven't posted any screenshots featuring Mizar yet, so keep your hooks tentered...

Did you like the update after that one? The one with more boring Perfect Dark screenshots? Just for you, Slushy, just for you.

Dear Scribes Special Forces (a.k.a Scribesweeper Elite),

I just have 3 questions about Perfect Dark, which I'm sure you are sick of hearing about and wish that a well placed Proximity Mine would end the horror, but in spite of that, here they are:

1. Will the enemies be special and shove their hands, arms, legs, feet, heads, and other extremities through doors, windows, walls, and toilet stalls (perverts)?

2. Will there be a basic enemy like the Russian Infantry Soldier in Goldeneye?

3. What will be the default weapon for the main character (like the PP7) and the default weapon for the basic enemy (like the KF7 Soviet) be?

Thank you for your patience and for using Timed Mines instead.

PD-S: Will there be any cameos from Goldeneye in PD? (The elephant man soldier perhaps?)
PP7-S: Can you make it Gameshark proof? It ticks me off to see 23 unearned cheats.
RCP-S: Sorry for all the PSeses.

Rare Says:

Ah, here comes PD's designer. Yoo-hoo! Come and see this great mail message! (Runs away quickly.)

"1. No, or so we hope.

"2. Enemies? Oh damn, I knew there was something I'd forgotten. Looks like Jo's going to be fighting furniture.

"3. Jo has a pistol. The furniture items have drawers and/or cushions.

"PS1. You may well spot a few people you recognise.

"PS2. Don't use a Gameshark, then.

"PS3. So you should be, you degenerate."

Dear Mr. Scribes (or Scribesman...),

At first, greetings from Germany to all you guys at Rare!!! After the big E3, there are now very many screenshots from all my favorite (Rare-) games. Now, I've only two (or more) stupid questions for you:

1. As I read an article about the E3 and Perfect Dark, I couldn't believe what you freaks are planning to do there. Is it right, that it's possible to play Perfect Dark with 8 players? I mean 4 players and 4 -N64 controlled- characters at the same time???? Now after the E3, you can say that, I think...

2. Where is TWYCROSS? I could't find it on ANY map!

You see, these are some important questions. (Sorry for my English, it's not the best...) Please answer them, thank you!
David Adametz
PS: Greetings also to our friendly Uncle Tusk!
PPS: The word "arse" sounds better than "ass"!
Rare Says:

Follow that designer!
"1. Vielleicht...

"2. Draw one line between Nuneaton and Tamworth. Draw another line between the centre of Birmingham and the centre of Leicester. Twycross is somewere around there. Or you could just buy a better map."

Dear Scribes,

After all the questions about Mr. Pants 64, and seeing Chad McCanna's excellent 3D rendition of Mr. Pants, I feel it is time to alert the entire world that yes, Mr Pants 64 DOES EXIST, AND I HAVE PROOF!!!! I received these images from a certain Rare employee who wishes to remain unknown. So you can't deny it any longer!! Hahahahahaha!!!!
[Three missing RPAs, all labeled "Mr. Pants 64"]

Rare Says:

Jet Force one is eerily convincing, though the PD one takes some working out if you're thick like me. But at least I haven't got as much time on my hands as some of you lot. A very good effort, Mr. 73: we'll be escorting individual members of the Rare staff into the Interrogation Room later today for a prolonged grilling.

Hello Mr Rare web type person!

It's Sunday here and I'm bored out of my brains, then it came to me! The NEED to know.

Are the animal friends in DK64? Can you ride them? Can you be them?

Go on, get the DK64 designer(s) to answer it, pester them for at least a yes or a no!

They've got to be, this is a Donkey Kong game after all Sniiiff!
PS: Meet you later at the Twycross pub for tea and crumpets?
PPS: There, I managed to get through all that without saying arse.

Rare Says:

Apparently you may well see the return of some familiar faces. I'm not saying which - that can be a lovely surprise for you. We've done pretty well as far as keeping a lid on the DK64 information goes, haven't we? Oh, you'll thank us later.

PS: I don't think they serve either of those.

PPS: I commend you, sir. Knackers.

Dear person who reads this,

When you stick your face (or mug if you prefer such a word) into PD, how do you get past the lack of colourness in a GameBoy? Or do all the characters then wander around with black and white heads in some sort of Al Jolson travesty?

Is there a cheat on the GameBoy Color to get it spelled right? Can I staple a u onto the front or will this invalidate my warranty? Could you go and slap your friends at Nintendo for releasing it in the UK spelled wrong? Can you make sure any games you release for it boot up with GameBoy ColoUr flashing across at the beginning? Probably not eh?

Hmmm. Car Park/Parking Lot debate. I'll try to sum it up:

"Haha parking lot? What like lots of parking eh? Ho ho."

"No. Lot as in an area of land. Which cars park on."

"Oh... I see... yeah good choice of words."

"Pah! Car park? What, like a place where cars, like park?"

"Errr yeah."


And so ends any debate. Or not.

How about using turd more often if arse is being overused. Or the word state, as used by ten year olds. Although technically the spelling in accordance with phonetics should be staaaaaaaaaate. Only with the huge amount of cynicism and disbelief that only the young can achieve.

But then again ten year olds wouldn't believe you if you told them the world was flat. Which it is incidentally. The Discworld books are just a cunning ploy. You see, once they become a religion, everyone will start to believe the world is indeed flat which will allow the scientists to admit they made a mistake after all. Imagine their embarrassment. The world has to be flat how else would God play frisbee? How about making God 64? you get to be God. Unfortunately because of Christianity you can't get directly involved and have to sit back and wait for your ineffable plan to finish. The graphics engine may be a bit difficult though having to be everywhere at once.

I must go now before the MI5 give me a Chinese burn for revealing the flat earth truth.
J. Edwards
It's all true except the bits that aren't.

Rare Says:

PD in B&W: "We get over it by making the whole game in black and white. Look out for the
Maltese Falcon multiplayer level."

Game Boy games: Er, probably not, no. Sorry.

Car parks: Neatly argued. Well done. B+.

'State': You what?

God 64: I get the feeling that if I make even the most jaunty, lightweight comment on this, I'll still find myself out in the gutter and on some crucial industry blacklist first thing tomorrow morning. Nice idea, though. (D'oh! - The Industry)

Dear Scribes,

OK guys, what's the deal with that Donkey Kong 64 intro sequence? I saw it at E3 and it's cool and all, but you guys overlooked one key element. The whole theme is hip-hop, right? And Donkey Kong is supposed to be scratching records on turntables along with the music, right? Well you guys forgot one thing -- THE MIXER!! Don't you guys know that you need two turntables and a mixer to scratch records? Donkey Kong looks ridiculous "scratching" records with both hands at once (an impossibility in the first place, because one hand has to be on the mixer's crossfader while the other brings the record back and forth) with no mixer anywhere in sight. As a die-hard hip-hop fan, I had to call you guys out on this one. If you don't put the mixer in, I just won't buy Donkey Kong 64.

OK, I'm lying. But please, for the love of god, put a mixer in there! And maybe have DK do the crab scratch or flare scratch while you're at it. OK, I'm reaching.
Jonathan Lindemann (Contributing Editor, Nintendojo)
Rare Says:

You're doing more than reaching - you're actually making me feel sorry for you. Anyway, isn't it the multi-talented Cranky who does all the scratching? Duh.

Nevertheless, I took it upon myself to present your outraged demands at the court of DK64's lead artist, who obligingly muttered something about it "all being done with foot pedals". So there you go...

Dear Scribes,

Last month I had an epiphany. Since laying a heavy shilelaghing on everyone who'll still play with me, I've found myself trying to come up with some way to add freshness to Goldeneye again. Turok II had been a bitter disappointment and Goldeneye, though a splendid game, was beginning to grow a tad old. Now I had bought this 36" TV with all sorts of great specs and was enjoying the four player split screens at a reasonable size when it struck me that (with a few cable splitters, a little masking tape and a some cardboard) it would be possible to set up my living room as a Bond room! Not just any Bond room, mind you, but a Bond room where the four TVs stood at opposite corners with cardboard covering three quarters of the screen and the players all sat in the middle of the room, playing a chaotic, lag free game of Goldeneye where no one has any idea where anyone else is! I made it happen, and it was fantastic. My buddies hold me in the highest esteem, and no longer mock me when I have epiphanies.

So my apartment is a hopping party-pad and I have the respect of my peers. I wanted to write you guys and let you know how much I appreciate this grand creation you've spawned ... but there's a problem. My friends and I find my set up to be both convenient and aesthetically pleasing. My living room is like a temple to symmetry and simplicity and panache. There are no pictures on the walls. There are no carpets or end tables. There are only chairs and Goldeneye. Yet for all this balance and polish, chicks just don't seem to dig my digs. I get strange looks and snorts of derision. My own girlfriend calls my vision an abomination, and seeks its destruction! How can it be that on this issue there exists so great a rift? How can a game so splendid be scorned by what appears to be an entire half of a populace? I look forward to hearing from you.
PS: Knackers... and when is Perfect Dark coming out? Don't toy with me!

Rare Says:

Rest easy, my friend. The designer shares your agony: "My own girlfriend is on record as saying of GoldenEye 'I'm sure it's very good'. I'm not sure if she's actually seen it because FPS games give her motion sickness."

On the other hand, I have it on good authority that at least one other member of the GoldenEye/PD team has a setup remarkably similar to your own... though not for GoldenEye, obviously. Well, I hope not.

Perfect Dark is currently due out sometime in December. We're not toying with you, sir. Wouldn't dream of it.


I have adopted your policy of releasing games when they are finished and applied it to school work. Today when my teacher asked for my essay I said "You'll get it when it's done, whore." I think it probably would have worked too, but the 'whore' remark was a little too much.

Rare Says:

Er, yes. Perhaps not a tactic suited to all situations, then. Mind, when we're trying to justify a few extra months of development to Nintendo, we don't usually address them as "whore" either.

Dear Scribes,

Why is it that you have that pointless lookout on Timber's Island? I theroyise (I admiting that I made this up, not one of my dimwitted friends) that the Unused T-Rex in Diddy-Kong Racing will be what Mumbo-Jumbo will turn Banjo and Kazooie into in Banjo-Tooie. There forth, you will have to link to the DKR cartrage, in order to get the T-Rex spell. And the Banjo Kazooie cartrage for the Eggs and the Key. That theory made be thinking "Eggs and Key in DKR?' then I realized what the Ice Key is for, to open the secret course in Future Fun Land, where after winning the battle, you go on to win the spell for Mumbo-Jumbo. The Eggs, well I don't know about them. Maybe it enables Kazooie as a character in DKR. So what has the look ut to do with it? Well that's the flaw in my theory. But the rest stands to reason.

If you don't reply to this, I spead it on the Internet a rummor, and lots of people will be asking this same question. At least here you can either conferm a rumor, or denie it before it becomes curculated.

In all strangeness,

Rare Says:

While I wholeheartedly applaud your email address, I feel it's only fair to let the Scribes readership judge the strength of your theories by weighing the ideas contained within against the 'imaginative' spelling used to express them. 'Cartrage' and 'curculated' in particular. They're great. Inventive use of the term 'stands to reason', too...

G'Day mate!

I have a few more questions before I go and never speak the word Rareware again. So here goes.

1. If I took a snapshot of my own "arse" will I get the chips? I am an eathiophian or whatever it's called, you know what I mean, one of those skinny knackers.

2. Can you print my URL for my website I make by MYSELF! and it gets updated more times Leigh than you update this site! needs an update every day!

Nintendo 64 Techno Central


3. Sean Williamson is an arse!

4. Kat, will you mary me? We could be like Diddy and Dixie? and have... (snip)

5. Have you seen the official specs for the N200X console at Nintendo's corp. section on their site?

6. Can I have a plane ticket to come visit you guys? And return the "Perfect Dark" beta game directly to you'se.

David A Giles
P.S. PD is quite cool, but when she is about to swim in level 4, she reveals a bit too much! :-) Not that it's bad or anythink, just wish I saw more.
Rare Says:

1. Oh dear. Not a good start.

2. Alright, alright, but just this once...

3. He won't rise to the bait, you know. We've tried.

4. Well, Kat? Will you 'mary' him? I don't know what that means in Australia, but it sounds like monkeys are involved.

5. We might have. Who's asking?

6. Yes. You really have got that game, because we really do send the latest development version out to anyone who asks. I just want to make that perfectly clear to the cynics among you. I also want to make it clear that anyone who believes this will be taken outside and kicked insensible.

Dear Mistaken One,

In the most recent Scribes, you referred to me as "power made flesh." I am not this carbon-based flesh that you humans are made of! If you played Street Fighter Alpha 2 Gold's "Akuma Mode," you would know that I am actually power made FLEASH, which is a completely different thing. The difference between fleash and flesh is much more significant than the difference between a car park and a parking lot. I am highly insulted, but I promise not to destroy you -- as long as you mention the word "arse" in your reply.
P.S. "Fell how weak you truly are!"
Rare Says:

How could I fail to fell it in the presence of such mighty fleash? However, I draw the line at being forced into use of the 'a' word. I'll throw it around as and when I choose, pal. Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough.

What the dilly, yo?

Might I be so bold as to suggest two lines of code for Perfect Dark? Please, for the love of Arse and all things holy (pun intended) add this:

if (joanna = dead)

enemies = stopshooting;


if (pause button = activated)

enemydamage = 0;

I can't tell you how annoying it is to pause Goldeneye mid-game, only to be slammed in the back of the head several times and docked a couple of HPs during the time it takes for Bond to get his watch up. Also, it's VERY irritating so see the enemy soldiers pumping your cold, lifeless corpse full of lead as you fall to the ground.

Anyhoo, at the risk of repeating what everyone else has been saying, Goldeneye whomps bottom... except for the fact that I've just finished playing for an hour straight (that's one FULL hour, from 12:15 to 1:15) trying to get that damn Invincibility code... without any results. And I plan to continue playing for hours on end until I get that code (read: HELP!).

Your Commonwealth Bud, eh?

Rare Says:

Those sadistic guards, eh? Tsk. And that watch, eh? Tsk. Let's see the designer talk his way out of those. Well, sir?

The posthumous overkill: "Of course it's irritating. It's to remind you that you've just been crap." Oh. And the whole watch thing: "Well, if you're naive enough to look at your watch in the middle of a firefight..."

Can't say fairer than that.

Dear Scribes,

Thank you for temporarily restoring my faith in whatever segment of humanity you represent. While on a frequent visit to the JFG page, I glimpsed the meaningless message box on the bottom of my browser, and for Critical Mash, it said 'What have those wan' and ran out of space. I hazarded a guess as to how it ended and later discovered that while I was right about 'been saying?', 'kers' does not appear. So it seems that you are not always as crude as the flint tools I used to fashion my ancient computer, nor as offensive as the rabid ferret that has overtaken my pantry.
Brian Polis

Rare Says:

Totally unintentional, I assure you. But still quite funny all the same. And I'll have you know I'm the very soul of chivalry - it's just you lot that ramble on like a bunch of indiscriminate foul-mouthed drunkards. Bless you.

Dear Scribes,

In BK, in Clanker's Cavern Clanker seems to be made of metal. Therefore he IS not a real humane whale and is either a robot or parts of whales put together like a frankenfish. I would most believe he is a robot though. If he is a robot, then how come he is asking for air? A robot does not have real lungs and is not made or flesh and bones. Either he's not a robot or verrrrry weird one.
P.S.- Capt. Blubber really doesn't look like a hippo. He looks more like an elephant and a rhino put together and then add a big mouth.

Rare Says:

You have worked out that none of it's actually real, haven't you? Please say yes. Look, Clanker's a magic robot. He belongs to a witch. He works in magic secret witchy ways. And Captain Blubber is a special one-of-a-kind dancing super-hippo that we discovered. Don't blame us for the quirks of nature.


It would be nice if somebody would point out that being an American doesn't mean you're stupid. Or maybe you only post the stupid Americans' letters because you like pushing the idea that all Americans have sub par mental skills. So far all the letters I've seen regarding Americans and their smarts have been from smart Brits who think Americans are dumb, or dumb Americans who think Americans are smart. I'm not trying to float my own boat here and claim that I'm some genius in a land of idiots. All the spelling and grammatical mistakes that I know are present but am too lazy to fix (mainly because I'm sure this letter won't go up anyway, so what's the point?) will quickly put an end to that idea. I'm just saying I'm not stupid, and I'm American, and there are others like me.

Oh, yeah... I started using the word "arse" years ago, long before I heard any British person say it. And a lot of my American friends use it. Although it is a bit rare to find an American using that word, it isn't unheard of. Knackers, on the other hand is a new one to me.

Thanks for your time,

Rare Says:

So the rest of the world stole the word 'arse' from you, did it? What a bunch of scoundrels we are.

Funnily enough with regard to matters of political correctness and job security, we don't use this page for the exclusive defamation of Americans or people of any other nationality - and if anyone sends in a genuinely offensive message, they don't get posted, simple as that. Basically, if you can't take a joke, this isn't the page for you. I don't censor thousands of pro-American letters every day, either: what you see is what I get. Still, anyone who comes across as a few sandwiches short of a picnic, irrespective of age, gender or country of origin, should be ready for a healthy spot of inter-reader ridicule... it's only fair, eh?

Hi Scribes.

I couldn't help but notice that, like me and various colleagues, you seem to use an increasing number of 'Digitiserisms'. Not only are you receiving letters from the Cussing Snake (hi sonny!), but you've also coined 'WaRze RuLeZ' et al. This is by no means a bad thing. As Digi are relatively clever people, they view Rare as near faultless... I am still waiting for you guys to cock up. Please disappoint me.

Oooh, I really need a crap. Well, I'll be off to the 'rest-room' to 'have a rest'. Do you see?
Big Mad Mr T
P.S. What sort of music do you lot listen to? If you were responsible for putting S Club 7 at number one... ooooh I'd be forced to get violent. KEEP AWAY FROM MY BINS DAMNIT.

Rare Says:

Digi is a Good Thing. And I can vouch that "wAReZ ROoL!!1!" is, tragically, all too accurate. S Club 7 should join everyone else who's reached No. 1 in the UK during the last five years in the National Credibility Firing Line. And I trust you arose feeling spiritually replenished from your 'rest'.

Greeting O light-hearted Pixies of Unfrivolous Scriby Love!

How much time do I have on my hands? Well, if I took the time to count I would be wasting my precious time that I use so devotingly writing to Scribes.

Or I could use that time guessing upcoming Rare Game names. Naw, that'd take WAY too long, so instead I'll create my own theory on guessing game names. I think I'll call it the "Game Name Theorem."

Here goes: Take every word in the dictionary and write it down. Then write again every word in two-word combinations. Repeat for Three- and Four-, Five-, etc. Now create every imaginary word. And don't forget to add any number of keyboard mashings. Stocwaldd. What a game that'll be. That theorem will take up a long time to prove. And now that I've said it, someone will do it. Shame on me.
Amanda Marie Schroeder, a.k.a Kablooie, evil twin of Kazooie

Rare Says:

They will too, you know. Don't joke about it. And see the italics? That means
Stocwaldd is either not being developed by Rare, or it's only a working title. Putting your theorem into action for myself, I also discovered that we could be working on Heresy Instance Rim and Proximity Arsebolts. Frankly, it's uncanny.

Dearest Scribe type person,

I just wanted to congratulate Rare on having the sensibility to work on a game 'until it's ready', rather than doing a half-arsed job to get the game out on time.

To placate the masses, Rare could form a subdivision called Rare Express, where games progress from conception to publication in ten minutes. The end result would be soggy, tasteless, and cold in the middle, but at least the mindless throng would have something to play with. I believe this is how American sitcoms operate.

Alternatively, you could always put out a challenge for any of your knockers [see, I used a naughty word] to write a game that ranks anywhere near the quality of B-K or Goldeneye. If they succeed, buy the source code; if they fail, taunt them until they cry.
Adam D

Rare Says:

Why thank you, kind sir. Always nice to have some sturdy support on hand to counter the weight of the knockers.

Much as I'd like to react to your comment on American sitcoms, I couldn't possibly do so for fear of immediately being branded heartless anti-American scum. Ah yes, there's nothing like a good dose of overzealous voluntary censorship to get the belly laughs rolling.

Dear Scribes,

So now Berri is simply Conker's "best mate." But didn't I read somewhere that the point of the game was to retrieve stolen housewarming presents? You should be warned that there are significant portions of the U.S. where such moral ambiguity is frowned upon. Many residents of our more agrarian regions will react to any media offering about anthropomorphic woodland creatures in an interspecies, out-of-wedlock, cohabitating relationship with concern, and when I say concern I mean the pitchfork-waving, effigy-burning, lynch-mobbing variety. And casting Berri as Conker's "best mate" is hardly an improvement, since it implies the existence of other mates. A polygamy-oriented game is a sure-fire loser, except in certain areas of Utah.

To insulate yourself from this backlash, I suggest you implement the following changes: first of all, have Conker and Berri be properly married, with a clear indication that they practiced total abstinence while single. And have them be the same species - Alabama legalized interracial marriage just last month, but that don't mean they gotta like it, dagnabbit. In fact, you'd better make them human beings, since talking animals might be interpreted as the spawn of Satan. Remember - you're dealing with the same people who declared Pumsy the Dragon to be a Hindu hypnotist and accused Tinky-Winky of being gay. You can't be too careful.
The Right Rev. Jethro "Swamp Bunny" Scuggs

Rare Says:

They're Conker's birthday presents these days, as I recall. The whole housewarming thang was a long time ago. And anyway, you can't drag any of our harmless mascots into your personal mire of iniquity merely by misinterpreting the term 'best mate' for comic effect. They're just chums really. No, hang on - they're, er, adventuring partners. No. No. This is getting worse.

Dear Scribes, Uncle Tusk, Mr Loveday, B, ANYONE who can help me...

My friends and I spent nearly two years now trying to decipher the most hidden and devious secret in GoldenEye,
but I'm finally admitting defeat. On the 'Twycross Board of Game Classification' screen, it's clear that the signature under 'President' reads 'James Bond', but what does the signature under 'Vice-President' say?

Some notable suggestions we've come up with are; Desmond Llewllyn, Matt Scully, Martin O'Reilly and Molten Jelly. (I know, I know...)

So please, sheathe your sarcastic corporate wit long enough to tell me what the signature says - then I'll leave you in peace and you can get back to doing whatever it was you were doing.

Oh, and by the way, didn't the twenty-fourth cheat slot used to contain the 'All Bonds (Multi)' cheat? Actually, I'm glad it's not there now, because the 'Predator Mode' in multiplayer is much more fun...

Chris Allcock
P.S - Even if this letter doesn't make it into Scribes, Tusk or (God forbid) Snippets, please respond! If you do, I promise I'll buy Jet Force Gemini - even if it means living with the disturbingly large eyes of Juno and Vela...

Rare Says:

Official response from the Man Who Can:

"The signature is the stylised scrawl of one 'Martin Hollis', who was the project leader on GoldenEye, and who was therefore entitled to mess about with the front page. He was being unusually neat on that occasion, since a normal signature reads 'Maty July'..."

I've had to censor his response to the matter of the 24th cheat for reasons of good taste:

"There is no
[bleep] 24th cheat, there never was any [bleep] 24th cheat, and if I hear any more about the [bleep] 24th cheat, I'll put my boot in the head of the person who mentions the [bleep] 24th cheat to me after this humanitarian warning."

Dearest Scribes,

Things were going well. I'd had a couple of letters printed in Scribes. The rash was receding and the swelling was going down. The sight of my second letter reminded me of my first, and I was just thinking that I should fire off another, informing y'all that I've had no correspondence from Mr TND, abusive or otherwise, when I read your response and hurried down to Snippets with a warm feeling in my breast. Now I just feel rather ill.

-"Kat, what can I do to show you I'm sorry. I feel like I am running in circles for you. Tell me. Please. I'll do almost anything. Please? Please?!" -

Yeek. No, It's me who's sorry. Just don't write anymore, huh? And don't _keep_ running in circles, or you'll fall over. You don't want to damage that brain of yours. Earth needs a cancer cure.

Well now, that's enough for me this month.

Oh, except did you know that Mr Pants has been used as a character in at least one DC comic? He lives next door to John Constantine in Hellblazer. He has no hat or moustache, but _is_ called Mr Pants and sports a truly herculean pair of y-fronts. Copyright issues?

As to untapped English swearwords, what about pillock, gobsh*te, prannet, toe-rag and shower of
(No, maybe not. - Ed)


Rare Says:

And so the ongoing FLEAB/Kat romance, er, goes on. Tune in next time for... some more. Possibly.

Pillock, prannet and toerag aren't swearing, surely? Besides, nobody uses them any more.

Didn't know about that particular incarnation of the omnipresent Mr. Pants, no. But I do seem to remember yet another one turning up as the prospective buyer of Edmund's house in
Blackadder II, so perhaps I should keep a rein on those wild plagiarism claims for the moment, eh?


Hey! Scribe fella! THERE IS such a thing as JFG coffee!! I know because I saw it at the store, and if I see something at the store it means it exists!! I was gonna get some but I didn't because I'm tough! Yeah! So tough I don't buy coffee! And I uh, saw it at the uh, store. Um, YEAH!!
A tough guy that sees coffee!! (But doesn't buy it.)

Rare Says:

A tough guy who's been hallucinating, more like.

"You speak like that because you come from Whitton, an International ghetto for slowbo spasmergenic monkies that suck cheese all day and sniff fudge all night."
Huw "King Glibit of the Glub-Glubs" Edwards
Rare Says:

You're a very strange man.

Do you know that PD means "gay" in French? I'm French and I hope that for the Perfect Dark launch in France you will only use the name Perfect Dark, and not the logo "PD".

Rare Says:

What's wrong with that? Maybe we already knew about it. Sweetie.

(Must... get in... Snippets.) Just think! With the PD - GB Camera thing, I can have my girlfriend beat me to death by slapping me like with "cybering" on the Internet except with graphics! I love you guys!
Mr. Hurt-me-please-my-love

Rare Says:

She might look a bit indifferent while she's doing it, though.

Heh heh, Duncan Botwood looks like a right mardy git in N64 Magazine!
Martin Badowsky

Rare Says:

Duncan says "You should see the picture of me in the game."

Woops! Almost forgot! I think it would be cool if you made a game called Knackers where Knackers the gay Rare Scribes dude walked around shooting people in the ARSE!
The Lord Wacko Taco

Rare Says:

Do you think you could try a bit harder to forget next time?

Scared of eyes!!!!!!!

Rare Says:

I understand. Just don't look at the nasty eyes, little sausage.

I really wish I knew what you guys are talking about.

Rare Says:

Yeah. Join the club.

I may not know midgets. And I may not know kung-fu. But kung-fu midgets? Well, sir, that I know. And isn't that what this is really all about?

Rare Says:

Right, that's it, I'm getting out of here...

Friday, June 4, 1999

Scribes: June 4, 1999

Dear loveable Scribes:

Here I was, just about to add my two cents to that wacky and wild world of slang debating when you go around and say "But thanks for breaking up the endless slang debate that I seem to have unwittingly started." Now I'd feel bad if I said something. So I'll go on to my back-up subject. ("Back-up" in this context means "stupider", "crap", or whatever.)

I've noticed something. Look at you guys type the names of your games. Banjo-Kazooie. Perfect Dark. Jet Force Gemini. Donkey Kong Country. Diddy Kong Racing. Blast Corps. And etc. You put them in bold-faced type. Now, my strained brain puts together the following logic: If I could type the name of one of your secret upcoming games, you'd make it bold and we'd know the title of one of the secret titles. What about... Oh drat. Hmmmm, I can't think of anything besides crap names. Well, maybe someone else would care to give it a shot.

Speaking of naming games, for Jet Force Gemini, did you look at the coffee-brand "JFG" and wonder what it could be an acronym for? "Jumping Frogs Galore?" you say, "Or Jetting Frogs to Germany?" (That's not a reference to a certain European nation, trust me.) "What about Joyful Freaks for Gelatin?" After about two days of this, you think up Jet Force Gemini when a designer comes in asking for a good name for a new game. You just happened to be mumbling your new saying and the designer picks up on it and likes it. Of course, you're oblivious to all that went on and you're about to think of another name when your pants fall down. After picking them up, you forget what you were saying and go about your business. (Feels draft and stoops to pick up pants)

Do you guys get David Letterman over there? I think he's funny and and like his show. How about you?

Rare Says:

No, we don't get Mr. Letterman. We just get a load of B-list Brit TV personalities trying to 'get with his stylee'.

Your accidental-boldage theory might hold some water if it wasn't for the fact that game names tend to remain unfixed until late in the day, meaning that until that point they'll get italics rather than bold text, just like any other game title I could make up. Like
Kate Winslet's Quest For Rhubarb, or something. Then, of course, there's the risk of me lying through my teeth and claiming that work is underway on Belgian Pygmy Line Dancing 64, which I'm certainly unscrupulous enough to do, as you can see. Still, feel free to give it a go.

You've just made up this so-called 'JFG coffee'.

Dear Scribes,

I have a couple of Goldeneye niggles. Firstly, in your web pages you say that the GE team watched the film many times. How then can they miss that Bond's watch changes from the start of the film to the end? In the Cuban control room, after Bond is captured, Trevelyan takes his watch and says something like "Ah - a new version. Still press here, do I?" (to disarm the remote mines). i.e. The watch he had when he was 006 (in the facility) is older than the current one that Q has supplied.

Secondly, who arsed up by not including a demo of the game when there's no controller pluged in? All you get is some pants message on the screen. I bet you'd have sold 10 times as many copies (and maybe N64s) if the same demo ran as it does when there is a controller pluged in. All the shops I've been past still have Mario's ugly mug on the N64 screen in the window. I hope you don't make the same mistake with PD.
Iain F. McLaren

Rare Says:

Straight over to the designer, then...

"Hello? Is there anybody there? Check the part of the film you mention, where the two watches are held side by side. Is there any discernable difference between the two in the film? No? That 006 still disarms mines by using the watch in exactly the same way should have given you a hint, but no...

"All the people who run the shops have to do is leave a controller 'pluged' in to let the game run a demo. And in addition to this, potential buyers could have played the game there and then. I witnessed this unbelievable phenomenon several times.

"As far as sales go, believe me, no-one would be happier than me if GoldenEye sold sixty-four million copies. Except Pierce Brosnan, perhaps."

Dear Scribes,

I want to know something. Why do I have to go through all of those mazes and pictures in Banjo-Kazooie when Bottles can just dig around and go wherever he wants? Why can't I just crawl down in his mole hole and follow him to the top of the tower and he can give me all the moves on the way up. Then I can whip Gruntilda's arse and proclaim myself the Conquerer. Yeah, that'd be nice...

Hold on, this isn't Scribes, is it? I have to ask a real question here, don't I? Ummmmmm, uhhhh, what'd you eat for breakfast this morning?

Rare Says:

Breakfast? Pah. Breakfast is for... er... people who get up in time. And your Bottles theory is just daft. Banjo's a bear, man! How's he supposed to get down a mole tunnel? Especially with a backpack on. And can you really see him squeezing up the inside of a flagpole? You just haven't thought this through, have you?

Dear Scribes,

Listen, I don't know if this is a letter for my Uncle Tusk or just Scribes. It's all the same to me.

First off, I just recently visited your sight for the first time and I've fallen in love with it. You guys are awesome!! I'm a little behind the times as far and internet and stuff goes, so forgive me for not having responded earlier.

Here are some of my questions that I would appreciate an answer to please since I've seen some pretty dumb letters printed on the site before (although those are some of the funniest since you just rip on the writer!).

1. Do you always plan on making games exclusively for Nintendo or do you want to make games for other platforms? I personally like the fact that you're Nintendo only and I hope you stay that way.

2. I've heard that Banjo-Kazooie and Twelve Tales are your "guinea pigs" on which you're trying all your experiments for the big mother of them all, Donkey Kong 64. True?

3. Why was the decision made to not let Bond fall off walkways and the such?

4. Also, does Donkey Kong officially belong to you or Nintendo? I thought it was Miyamoto's baby.

5. And finally, Does Nintendo own you or are you free to do as you please?

Keep up the great work!
Kevin Hales

Rare Says:

1. We have no plans to develop for anyone else in the foreseeable future. Now look, you've made me use the word 'foreseeable' (twice) and I don't even know how to spell it.

2. Not exactly. The three games have been worked on simultaneously by three different teams, so it's not as if they could simply nick an existing 3D engine. But naturally some of the most popular aspects of Banjo will filter through to DK64.

3. Have you ever seen him do it in films?

4. Disturbing phrasing, but yes, DK is and has always been a Nintendo original that we have the privilege of 'doing stuff' with.

5. Nintendo has a hefty stake in Rare, but doesn't actually own the company as such. We come up with our own ideas, but work closely with them on everything along the road to completion. After all, they've had a fair bit of experience down the years, wouldn't you say?

Dear Scribes,

Why are there no games in which a kipper has the starring role? We feel cheated that a bear, a kinky squirrel and a braindead dog (Lupus) have stolen the fame from these most salty creatures. For shame!!!!! Doesn't a kipper share the same talents, sexy body and lovably, cuddly nature. We would like this problem sorted soon (per chance could Joanna Dark possibly become a huge 5' 6 salty kipper?) You probably think that we are joking don't you... don't you... DON'T YOU... well we aren't, in fact we are going to produce a poll to prove that this noble point of view is the only point of view. You have not heard the last of Seb and Alex yet. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Nigel Revitt

Rare Says:

I can't believe you're actually expecting me to print rubbish like... oh.

Dear Brigadier Loveday OBE BSoc. Twt.

I was delighted, d'you hear me? DELIGHTED! Overrun with glee. Fraught with pleasurable tinglings at what the new Perfect Dark / Gameboy camera interface could mean to the multiplayer games at our house.

I see a small, nervous fox terrier named 'Doobie' held end-up and snapped. I see the resultant picture wrapped around a face model in PD. I see one regular 4 player game of PD being quickly fought and the loser forced to play the loathsome character of DogRing the Evil Cyclops in the next match. Such fun!

Were we a different household, the winner could be named DogsKnackers in a similar spirit, as a reward for cunning. But it is punishment, not reward that turns a young man from the path of vice. Mother never spared the birch, so why should I?

I was also considering a character whose head was a picture from a Swedish, um, efficiency magazine, but I doubt the GBC has the resolution. Thank you again.

Oh, and sorry I couldn't offer greetings on the day, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAREWHERE! I love yez! You're the site on the net that makes me giggle most. The twonks at ign64 think they're funny, but... whoops there I go again. Keep up everything you're doing at Rare. *mwaah*


Rare Says:

Bless. We aim to please. And IGN64, well, you know, they try hard, but they still haven't got to grips with the whole arse thing, let alone started on knackers.

It's just the sort of whimsical multiplayer malarkey you describe that the GBC idea was intended for, though perhaps with not quite so sharp a focus on animals' backsides and porn. We can only hope that the latest tiresome media frenzy doesn't blow it all out of the water...

By the way, your new friend's still waiting for a hug down in Snippets.

Dear Scribes,

Ahem, my name is Wes McKinney, webmaster of the elite Goldeneye Extreme, as well as the webmaster of the fantastic world record site, which contains around 2000 record times. Now, I look at a mail from a guy who claims he can only get 59 on runway agent. Well, I got 24. And 6 other people got 24 seconds. TWENTY-FOUR SECONDS. And here is a video of 24 seconds on the internet:

The player is Sterling Neblett. Also, on the Egyptian Temple level, we know the fastest time possible is around 50 seconds. If you'll notice in the world records (Please have a look, we have the best times I have seen that are not fake, and are proven), the best times for Agent, SA, and 00 are 52/54/54. Here is a video of 53. I am the player.

Also, Dam, Agent. The best possible time is 55 seconds. "Anything under a minute shouldn't be sniffed at." Ha, what a joke. You write a column, get your facts straight. Want a video? I'll make you one of 56 seconds (my best time).

So here are the records we have on the site. I laughed so hard at that email because we are the greatest 007 players in the world. Of course, we is me, Sterling Neblett, Steven Zwartjes, and Patrick Wessels. Steven Zwartjes is the 3-time Dutch Nintendo Championship Winner. Patrick Wessels won the N64 magazine Goldeneye Tournament.

You might include this site in your column, to show the best times in the world. If you will notice, also, there are a hundred or more screenshots of people's times. 99% of them are from Sterling Neblett and I, because we spent $300 on a multimedia capture card for our computers.
Wes McKinney

Rare Says:

You should have sent this one to Uncle Tusk. I'm sure he'd have taken great pleasure in letting you know that you come across as a complete arse. But never mind, let's pass it along to the GoldenEye designer and see what he has to say...

"I worked on the game, so I am perfectly capable of getting my facts straight. Sadly, and to the detriment of your letter, you failed to notice that he got a time of 59 seconds on the *Dam* level. Not the Runway level. And I said 'anything under a minute *unaided* is nothing to sniff at'; the time of 36 seconds was achieved while using the 'fast' cheat (as I suspect any others around that mark were as well).

"I would point out that it really doesn't matter how long you take to do any level in GoldenEye as long as you are having fun while you play it. I bet Sean Williamson has fun."

Dear Scribes,

What is the deal with the chipmunk female lady person Berri from the upcoming Conker games? Conker is a squirrel, right? And Berri is a chipmunk, right? I always had the impression that Conker and Berri were just good friends, but in the May issue of Nintendo Power, they call Berri Conker's sister! First of all, that's the story to Banjo-Kazooie. Second of all, how is Berri supposed to be Conker's sister if they are two different species of rodents? Is that even legal? Please explain this to us.

Oh yes, and arse.

Rare Says:

That's right. Even we're not that dense. Berri's just Conker's 'best mate' - they must be thinking of Banjo and Tooty with the whole sister thing. Mind, you'd swear we weren't sure ourselves sometimes. (Cough.)

No lavatorial references or underwear questions this month, Mr. Slush? What's wrong with you?

Dear Scribes,

On the topic of the word 'arse' (oh, sorry Kat, that should be aahse) and its comedy decline, I'm proud to say that I've moved to 'botty'. Honestly, how many of our American... erm... chums will EVER have heard this rather excellent word? And with the simple addition of 'bog', 'knackers' or in extreme cases, 'shpadoinkle' in the same sentence, it's easy (and fun too) to confuse and alienate a big ol' chunk of your audience. Heh heh heh...

Pants on the Kongs, eh? How about some insider info on the leg-wrappings sported by the new cast (what were their names again? Lanky, Chumpy, Blinky, Tanky and Wa... hmm, maybe not). What the public wants isn't screenshots, videos and all that tat, we need some kind of pants analysis (conducted by our resolutely 2D underwear-sporting hero, even?) Please? And also, while I'm ranting on the whole ape-related theme (you called them the M-word on the DK64 preview, you devious fiends), I'd really appreciate a cameo from Chimpy the Chimp, surely the brightest star in B-K, if you don't mind.

I'd also like to draw your attention to the *actual* first instance of constipation in videogames. Only one game released from your (apparently) warm nestling 'twixt the botty cheeks of the big N last year? Sounds like someone needs to hit the All-Bran fast...

Finally, I have decided that we actually need to add the letter 'u' to our words after that 'stupid Brits' remark. Colour and armour are simply not enough any more, it's time to roll out the big guns. How about telephoune, aloune, souwn, mouan etc? (Evil laughter slowly recedes into the distance.)

Well, we can at least be grateful that I got through a whole letter without even one image of a game character in a compromising position.
The Cussing Snake
PS - I still want my Discos, you know.

Rare Says:

'Botty' went out with
The Young Ones, I'm afraid. Which gets quite a lot of airplay in America, so I expect more people will have heard of it than you'd imagine. The continued usage of 'bog' and 'knackers' is of course essential to British culture, but I entirely disown this 'shpadoinkle' of yours.

Maybe we'll sort out a DK64 Pants Analysis when the game's nearer completion and the pant situation is finalised. Or perhaps someone would like to jump the gun and get to it first. Please?

PS Better get out there with the camera then, hadn't you? The offer still stands...

Dear Scribes,

There have been many doubts recently as to whether or not you're ever going to release Twelve Tales: Conker 64. It was announced yonks ago and has been delayed for months. What is going on? Could you just answer two questions on the subject for me? Thank you.

Question 1...

Why was Conker delayed? it was supposed to have been released by now and I'm losing my patience. I can appreciate that release dates slip, but you haven't released anything for so long it's unbearable! And now to rub salt in my wounds, to kick me when I'm down you've postponed the release of Jet Force Gemini!

Question 2...

Is there a new release date for it and if not why not! Surely it can't be that difficult to estimate how long it will take you to finish it, add a month or two and suggest it as a possible release date!

Well, there you have it, two low quality questions that won't recieve a straight answer. If it wasn't for the new DK64 screen shots I think I would probably kill myself.
David Edwards

Rare Says:

Okay. Twelve Tales was originally delayed for the simple reason that it wasn't going to be meet the deadline, but as time wore on we realised that the market situation was changing and that the game needed a pretty significant revamp if it was going to have the impact that we'd originally hoped for. So yes, we do still have plans to Twelve Tales, and the team are still working on it full-time: we just can't give you a date right now. It's more difficult than you think to make that kind of estimate. Should the game go ahead in its current form - and I can assure you that it'll be worth looking forward to if it does - we'll update the preview accordingly.

And we didn't postpone JFG's release - we never set a solid date in the first place. As we've always said, it'll be ready when it's ready.

Dear Scribes,

Wow. Some guy wanted to insult that FLEAB fellow just like I did. And then FLEAB apologized (with pretty good spelling to boot) for his actions! All will now remember the name Packerac, crap I forgot I changed my name.

Anyway, the point of writing this letter (besides notifying the two or three people out there who actually care that I have changed my screen name) is to discuss Ms. Dark. Yes, I know. Time and time again (actually only twice, I think) you denied me information regarding Perfect Dark. I have to ask you a question or two (fine, just one). Oh, don't bother to answer, I wouldn't expect that from my favorite Brit. Ahem, is Perfect Dark going to be a franchise or just one game?

Oh, one more thing Mr. Kinda-Down-On-The-Word-"Arse"-Right-Now-So-How-About-"Knackers"-Man. Have you fellows considered doing an Austin Powers game?
VillainMan (moving from Packerac state of mind)

Rare Says:

The designer says: "Let's see how the first game does before announcing a franchise, hmmm?"

Austin Powers? Nahhh. I mean, who'd want to bother spending hours on end motion-capturing and modelling Liz Hurley, or Heather Graham, or... or... Good Lord.

Scribers (no, that doesn't work now, hmmm...)

First off, it seems that the only way to get your attention is to talk about a) Tiptup b) how many ways Americans and everything about them sucks or c) write about something that has nothing to do with Scribes. So in attempting to have this letter printed (because you guys don't respond any other way) here is something that includes all three of the above.-> Tiptup is actually a drunk American who supports communism and buys only games with tons of gore and sex. And dukes of hazard rool.

Even if there is a remote possibility that this letter is printed, you will most likely only answer the previous statement and not what my actual statement is. Oh well, here it goes. I want to know EXACTLY why the Cradle level in multi was left out of Goldeneye. Let me explain.

See, I have a gameesharkey (spelled incorectly because I'm certain you have a word check on this that deletes the letter if mentioned, it's a coverup I tell you) and one of the things it lets me do is to access the Cradle level in multiplayer. Now I admit that most of their codes are crap or weird, but this was just fine.

I would like to see your response and everyone else's to this letter. Thank you for your time.
Scott Gajewski

Rare Says:

The cold truth is that your previous letters weren't printed because they were dull, not because they mentioned the GameShark. We're not allergic to it, you know, and it's not nearly as controversial as you seem to think. Those people who want to use it to play substandard multiplayer levels have no doubt already done so: the rest of us can appreciate that there must have been good reason to leave them out. As the team says about the Cradle in particular, "We tried it, it ran too slowly, we took it out of multiplayer." At the end of the day all the levels were tested for multiplayer compatibility, the best were left in, and there's nothing more to it than that.

Dear Scribes,

Meet Mr. Arse kicking Evil Arse's... well, arse!

Purdy ain't it?

[Missing RPA: evilarse.gif "Hectic Take-No-Prisoners Arse Action"]

Rare Says:

Erm, alright then. If you're lucky, "evil arse" could become as 'widespread' a saying as "good arse", used when someone performs a particularly audible methane expulsion. "Good arse, sir!" Come on, surely that's not just me.

Dear Scribamanationisms,

The following has come to my attention:

A title character in the upcoming Perfect Dark, is Joanna Dark. Right? Well, let's put on our history thinking caps for a moment... they DO have schools in Twycross, right? Well, if they do, then you'd be, perhaps, familiar with a certain 'Joan of Ark'. You know... the one who did many good deeds for the French, and was burned at the stake by the English... Anyway, her name IN FRENCH is pronounced, and presumeably spelled like so: Joanna D'Ark. Now, is this a bizarre coincidence, an example of Rare's creativity, or lack thereof? You tell me...
BILL (of Blab Magazine)

Rare Says:

Not me, guv. Here's the PD designer:

"Joan of Arc is spelt 'Jeanne d'Arc' in France. So you're wrong on that point. As for the origins of Joanna's name, well...

"Twycross has schools, yes. And a pub, a tractor rental place, a church, a cricket pitch, a Zoo and a shop that sells bits of animals. The last two are unconnected."

He's forgetting the 'village green' - a triangle of grass big enough for at least five people to stand on at the same time. Oh, and the posh school. Marvellous.

Dear Scribes,

Have you ever been surprised by the sheer stupidity of people on the internet? When you applied for the job (or perhaps got roped into it kicking and screaming) did you ever anticipate the immense amount of free time your loyal readers, myself included, would have to type and send in pages of complete shmack - all in an attempt to get 5 minutes of glory by having our letters posted on your web page?

Oh well, I'm off to enjoy the cheap thrill having my letter printed gives me.

Rare Says:

Actually, I just make them all up. That way I spare myself the indignity of having to think up any bona fide answers while shattering the dreams of thousands of eager children worldwide into the bargain. Hyuk hyuk hyuk.

Dear Scribes,

It must be nice having a larger "car park". Now all of the cars can go out to play together. What kind of entertainment does your car park contain? I'd assume that roller coasters and similar rides would simply bore cars, because all they ever do is move about. I think I understand now. A car park is a place where cars go to sit on their ar... um... tires and relax. It must be quite similar to a parking lot. If you welcome visitors, I'd like to take my car on vacation to your car park. We don't have any of those in America.

Rare Says:

Sigh. You're going to kick off a whole new debate if you're not careful - one even more trivial than anything this page has suffered before. Which is the more stupid saying: 'car park' or 'parking lot'?

Anyway, you're supposed to be power made flesh. Haven't you got anything better to do with your time?

Dear Scribey,

I have a confession to make. I love my N64, but have yet to buy a single Rare game. I will soon make amends for this despicable behaviour and get Goldeneye and maybe Blast Corps. I would certainly have bought Killer Instinct if you'd put a bit more effort into it.

This brings me nicely to my question:

Why is Rare so gay? Your characters are all cutesy animals with sweet little names like Banjo and Luftus. (Eh? - Ed)

Leaving aside Goldeneye (your most successful game) and Perfect Dark (your most highly anticipated game) everything else has the kind of twee-factor that can only possibly irritate any player of 14+.

I hope I can make a polite suggestion without causing you any offence, but please stop all this arsing around with nauseatingly cute 3D platformers. I am looking forward to playing DK64, but why didn't you try to give us the fighting game we want, or the RPG we've been crying out for. Instead of making 3 of the 4 games up for a '99 release so whimsical.

Yours sincerely
Cynical old b&*%*$d
P.S. I hope you will put this letter in your Scribes section with your usual top wit and charm. Alternatively you could take a print off, roll it up into a tight ball and shove it up your...

Rare Says:

So apart from GoldenEye, Perfect Dark and Blast Corps, which aren't gay and which you liked, and
Killer Instinct, which isn't gay but which you didn't like, and of course DK64, which is gay but which you still like, all our games are gay and you don't like them. Am I right? If so, that's a hell of an argument you've got there, son.

Dear... oh, Idunno... Isn't-it-a-lovely-day (catchy nickname if ever there was one... or not),

The latest Scribes was put up eight updates ago as of writing this (had to resort to complicated math equations to figure that one out...had to use fingers on both my hands to count). Just so you know, I'm getting bored, and may have to repeatedly send aimless e-mail to you until the next Scribes comes along and alleviates me of this mind-atrophying stagnation. What the hell am I talking about? It's not like Scribes is a showcase of high intellectual discussion. So maybe I'm just looking for another letter of mine in Scribes to further my complacent nature. The aniticipation excites me.

See that? That was the paragraph with the big words. This paragraph won't do that anymore. And I'll stop saying 'paragraph' too, because it has over eight letters. I like puppies. Maybe Rare could start making puppies instead of games. Or candy. That would be exciting.

Okay. I'm done for now. Post this one and let the people hate me for my sharp wit. Or that could be idiocy accompliced with a developed vocabulary. Next time around, my rhetoric will be filled to the britches with self-depracating humor. Isn't that exciting?

Shut up Ran,

Rare Says:

Yeah, it's been a while since the last Scribes. Sorry. E3 and all that. Still, there's another collection of Scribage lurking around half-finished somewhere as we speak, so it won't be too long before you'll need to take a firm grip on those britches of yours for yet another breackneck trip-hop voyage into the flabbergastingly scintillating wit and verve of our quasar-hot readership think tank.


Kat, what can I do to show you I'm sorry. I feel like I am running in circles for you. Tell me. Please. I'll do almost anything. Please? Please?!

Rare Says:

Brief Encounter, eat your heart out.

What's up with you Brits claiming "arse" is all yours? I'm Canadian and I've used "arse" all my life. Along with "ass" and "butt".
Jonathan Sharkey

Rare Says:

and ass? That's just greedy. Make your mind up, man.

Two of my favorite things are from England! RARE AND DEF LEPPARD!
Faye Collsion

Rare Says:

I'd like to say thanks, but, well, you've made it a bit awkward.

I eat arse... I like arse... I like the taste of arse bacon.
Wayne Thompson

Rare Says:

Just as well bacon is actually made from pigs' arses then, eh?

Will you post any screenshots of Jo Dark nude? Or perhaps Banjo? Hell, I'll settle for Tusk!!
Rare Says:

I think we're sailing pretty close to the wind with Mr. Pants.


Rare Says:

And you are an AOL user tat is typical. wArEZ ROoL!"!!1!

How do your boys react to being called "stone-faced funsters"?
Ross Shannon

Rare Says:

We've got the hammers ready. Who said it? Come on.

Any particular reason why Banjo's cuckoo clock is stuck at 7:50?
Amanda Schroeder

Rare Says:

Of course there is. But, er, it'd take far too long to explain.

Have you ever wanted to go up to one of those guys who decodes enemy messages during times of war and say "Hey pal, decode this!" and then punch him in the gut? It's funny because he might get hurt.

Rare Says:

Just how much time have you people got on your hands, anyway?