Friday, August 28, 1998

Scribes: August 28, 1998

Dear Scribes,

Oooh!!! Owwww! The PAIN! The pain of waiting for DKC 64 to come!!! Who are you going to put in it? Donkey Kong and Diddy! PLEASE!!!! I have a few name suggestions for DKC4!

1. Donkey Kong Country 64: KAOS Kontinues.

2. Donkey Kong Country 64: A banana is forever.

3. Donkey Kong Country 64:KONG KLAN'S KAOS KRUESADE.

4. Donkey Kong Country 64: Who you callin a chimp, chump!

5. Donkey Kong Country 64: No monkeying around!
Adam Neikirk

Rare Says:

Wow. They're, like, really bad. But not as bad as the one I'm still campaigning for after all these years:
K. Rool's Supercool Stool Pool, a quest set during the 70s where DK has to prevent the leader of the Kremlings from polluting Donkey Kong Country by, er, 'passing a motion' in the water supply.

Dear doddering old grandads of the software world,

Re: Alex Duin.

I'm an obviously mentally diseased American who feels that when my video game enemies stay in one piece I'm being denied something. Now, you may see things a little different over there in Britain, but frankly I don't care and I want you to pamper my every homicidal need. So why don't you just take your fluffy, cute, well-thought-out games and just drip them in all the blood, gore, skin, women, and bad language that my poor eyes can stand. For the love of God, when I play Goldeneye I get so frustrated at the red patches that my Ruskie friends grow after I've nailed them again and again with assault rifles, automatics and every other bullet firing weapon under the sun, that I have to cause explosions all around them so that they fly across the room just to sate my aching need! Please! Make a game that deserves an adult rating, or I'll send over our over-trained, bored and disturbingly nationalistic military to hold you at gunpoint until you succumb to my demands! Dude.

Rare Says:

Golly gosh! Looks like that fellow Duin was blinking well spot-on, chaps. Now, let's get back to work on this
Monty Python game, shall we? (Sigh.)

Dear Scribes,

Killer Instinct is an Instinct Tat is Killer :)

Blast Corps is a Corps Tat is Blast :)

Perfect Dark is a Dark Tat is Perfect :)

Banjo-Tooie is a Tooie Tat is Banjo :)

Now for the real question...

How did you create the best first-person game in the world with absolutely no experience making first-person games (as far as I could tell)? If you did that, you should be able to make the best strategy, roleplaying, realistic racing, space shooter, and sports games in the world with no experience too, right? But more importantly, are any of these types of games in development?
Matt Einhorn
Rare Says:

So what's Jet Force Gemini, then? A Gemini tat is Jet Force? That's just stupid.

Speaking of JFG, that's our obligatory space shooting game, and good old Ken Griffey on the SNES was more than enough for us when it comes to sports games. As for the others, you'll have to wait and see. Obviously. Oh, and we made GoldenEye good by accident - it was supposed to be a big sack of arse.

Greetings writer o' the scribes.

I was having a nice sit down and a cup of luke warm tea the other day when it hit me that I had never finished a game by Rare. Reaching the regular old K. Rool on the Kong games is easy enough, but then I had forgotten about the Lost World and the bleedin' TUFST cheat on DKC3. I have since been lost in my room trying to get that legendary 105% so I can beat Cranky and be happy for the rest of my life.

Why do you Rare guys make your games so hard? Ever since I started this I haven't been able to concentrate on my shiny and spanking new PAL copy of Banjo-Kazooie. Do you purposefully make your games this way so hard-working people like me pull our hair out?

And that's it.

Rare Says:

So it's not the main game that's hard, it's the bonus bits bolted onto the end... that's good, surely? Because then all the kiddies and stupid people have a chance to make it all the way through, while the hardened gameplaying psychopaths can get their money's worth by hammering away at the extra challenges like budgies at a window. That's sort of the plan.

Dear Scribes,

JINJO!!! The first time I heard that said, I felt such a sense of accomplishment. Then, after finding the fifth, I heard all five yell excitedly in unison. WHAT A RUSH!!!

I'm just wondering why there is such a lack of Jinjo art. They're so damn cute. I bought the BK Player's Guide and the only Jinjo art in the book was a picture of their heads. There needs to be a group shot for these underestimated prisoners of BK. After all, they are the key to the whole game. Without them, Banjo and Kazooie would be toast, and Banjo-Tooie would be visions of their funeral. So, how 'bout it, what about a Jinjo group shot. SAVE THE JINJOS!!!

Rare Says:

Okay, okay, you win... for you and all the other dribbling (and possibly perverted) Jinjo fanatics out there, here's a lovely polygonal group shot of the only three of the buggers I could find. Have, er, fun with it.

To whom it may concern....

I have compiled a list of questions for you guys:- 1. Are you making Tomorrow Never Dies? When is it coming out?

2. How do I get to the secret Banjo-Tooie areas? It's just like DKR right, where I get another adventure to do?

3. How do I get to play 4 player deathmatch on the other arenas in G. Eye?? I there a code to do this? I know there is a way to do it!

4. How do I access the 24th slot cheat option in G.Eye?

5. Are you making a Gran Turismo killer in secret?

6. Can I play as all the Bonds in G.Eye?

As you may have guessed the above 6 questions I have compiled are the most fu*"?g annoying questions I have to put up with on your site, in every single N64 magazine, and basically everywhere and anywhere in the world where you see anything at all on RARE. Are people stupid? Do they have to be told everything 10 times before it sinks in?!

I've got a few more too, but are N64 specific and not just RARE related....see if you can recognise these little gems:-

1. Will FFVII come out on the N64? Are Square planning any RPGs at all?

2. Why must we wait so long for N64 PAL releases? There is no excuse for such a long wait after the NTSC release blah blah yawn yawn etc etc.

3. When is the 64DD going to be released? Will it have the modem on it or not? (my personal favourite, this one).....

4. Is Luigi in SMario64? Where do I find him?

5. Why are third party titles so sh*t on the N64? (this is a valid one though, I have to say!)

Anyway, enough moaning. I do have some serious stuff though..... 3D games - they are brilliant, and perfect for the N64. But I still love 2D games too - games designers seem to have forgotten how good 2D games can be. Remember Contra III, Castlevania? How about Super Metroid on the SNES? The game is absolutely brilliant, a classic, no question. Now if Rare were to make a 2D, Super Metroid inspired game for N64, it would be very special indeed. Yoshi's Island showed that the graphic abilities of the machine with a 2D game can be fantastic, and with the Rare magic you could get the all important atmosphere just right.

I am all for 3D of course, and Zelda looks better and better every month (and BK is great...well done). But I would definitely still buy a great 2D game, and so would a lot of other people. Also, this could be expanded to include the 'Old School' RPG's on the SNES.......Secret Of Mana, Chrono Trigger, Breath Of Fire etc etc. Now these games were brilliant, and very similar games could be released easily on the N64, with improved visuals and sound but a similar 'feel'. Look at Alundra on the Playstation.....this is what I am getting at. You do not have to push a machine like the N64 to its limits in order to make a brilliant game, if the design and gameplay are right then you are virtually there. Multiplayers could be brought in too - Gauntlet the arcade machine springs to mind. I defy anyone who plays with 3 mates on that machine even today not to have a brilliant laugh.

So that's about it really.

Oh yeah, if you guys do have a 'secret' game you are getting ready for the Xmas period, make it a Resident Evil rip off please?


Tony Banks
Rare Says:

You wait - I'll get hundreds of mails demanding to know why I didn't answer all your questions. (By the way, just out of interest, are you Tony Banks the politician or Tony Banks out of Genesis?)

As far as the 2D/3D debate goes, well, it's a fact that people in general expect 'better' things from their 'better' consoles. Hence the gradual disappearance of 2D games since the 16-bit days. The Graphics Tarts really are on the rise, but then again, that doesn't have to be a bad thing: compare the success of
Super Mario 64 to that of Yoshi's Story. 3D games can just as easily be classics if the same levels of thought and dedication are applied to them. And this reply has become far too sensible so I should probably stop now.

Dear Scribes,

Well looky here, I've been wandering through the thousands of pages you created purely for the joy of seeing your guests entertained (I assume that's why, since I heard you get paid in bran muffins), and well, as hard as it for me to admit this, I got a bit lost. So, instead of simply pushing the "Back" button like any logical person would have, I decided, "Hey, why don't you start reading some of the text (which by the way is something probably anyone with any amount of intelligence would have done, too) instead of just looking at all the shiny pictures." So I did. And you know what I discovered? You say "We" a lot. For example, "We like to think he was referring to Rarewhere..." (yes, I got lost on the front page. Quit your snickering). Why do you do this, since you are only one person? So I thought about it, and pondered, and thought some more, until I came up with a few possible reasons. They are:

1) You meant to type "I", but your clumsy fingers simply pressed the wrong buttons.

2) You have multiple personalities, and you like to think of them all as real, separate people.

3) You are surrounded by the Jinjos who have no work until the release of Banjo-Tooie.

4) You think the collection of Trolls on your desk are real people.

That's all I was able to come up with. If 3, say hi to the yellow one. Although we did have to work out a series of whistles to communicate, he was the only one I could have a real conversation with. The others just yelled "Jinjo" and flew away.

Thank you for letting me waste a few minutes out of your busy day,

Rare Says:

What are bran muffins? They sound like a laxative.

My habit of referring to myself in the plural stems back to my heyday as the tyrant king of an obscure Pacific island, where anything but the most concrete regal behaviour would have undermined my barbaric rule and condemned me to a grisly fate on the Wheel of Spasmage.

No, alright, it's just a corporate thing. I'm representing the whole company on this web site, you understand. It remains to be seen what happens when the management cottons on to this fact.

Dear Scribes,

I just today finished Banjo-Kazooie with all 100 jiggies, and got done watching these pictures you won't be able to access until the sequel. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS AT RARE? That's basically saying, "Oh, here, you can have most of the game you paid 50$ for, but you'll have to pay 50$ more for the rest of it, okay?" I don't feel safe buying Rare games anymore because I may have to pay double to see everything in it. That just makes me feel appalled.

And guess what? I don't have to get Banjo-Tooie to get into Sharkfood Island or the Ice key. I can just use a GameShark! Yes, even as we speak, a secluded gamer with no life is desperately hacking into Banjo-Kazooie and eventually, he will find a code to unlock these secrets! Bwa ha ha, I've deprived the greedy hags of Rare of 50$!
A very appalled person

Rare Says:

Sigh. The secrets were added to the game's ending as an added bonus for those who played through to the end, not a vicious taunt as so many of you seem to think. Just think - if we hadn't put them in at all, we'd have had none of this trouble and you'd be none the wiser. But we didn't, because we thought it'd be a nice surprise for devoted players. Shows how much we know about human nature.

Dear Scribes,

I have a suggestion for your website. Being from the USA, I am completely fooled by the English vocabulary you guys use. When I was filling out the suggestion form, I was puzzled by the words 'clive' and 'dinkers'. I mean, what the heck is a clive?! So I would really appreciate it if you would have a translation of vocabulary page. It would be 50% joke and 50% helpful. I'd know I would look at it! I also have another question. My friend said that he pressed buttons one day in a level in Banjo-Kazooie and the ice key door was opened! I don't know if he's telling the truth or lying, so I would also like that issue cleared up. Thanks for reading my letter!
Michael D9

Rare Says:

That's just Mr. Pants. He's a bit eccentric when it comes to wordage (amongst other things). 'Dinkers' is a mutated form of 'dinky', meaning nice/cute, a word quite possibly used by no-one else in the country. And 'Clive' is of course an affectionate reference to Sir Clive Sinclair, mental ginger inventoholic who just happened to come up with the Sinclair Spectrum all those years ago.

Yeah, all you have to do to get all the secrets in B-K is 'press buttons'. We're amazed nobody figured it out sooner.

Dear Rare people,

From my understanding Ken Lobb is a game tester at NOA. If I'm wrong you can stop reading right now. Now you guys/gals named the Klobb after him. Now it is my understanding that you have to be pretty good at games to be a tester, right? Why is the Klobb the worst gun in GoldenEye? Is it some kind of comment towards his manhood? Did he tell you that GoldenEye sucked and would never sell 10 copies? What's the deal? If anything the Phantom should be the Klobb and vice versa.

I have a bet with someone about this,

Rare Says:

Mr. Lobb's slightly more senior than 'game tester', I think you'll find. Anyway, here's the team's tactful official reason: "It was the only gun that needed a new name at short notice. And it does make the best noise." Their unofficial reason was far too offensive to reproduce here.


I just want to know the difference between sending a letter to you guys and writing to Uncle Tusk. What subjects are favored by Scribes? By Uncle Tusk? Oh, and it would be really neat to have a Battletoads for the N64. Get the girl, play co-op to beat up your friends instead of the bad guys...

Without you guys at Rare, Nintendo would be in the pits now. Really. And Americans aren't as dumb as you say, we just don't know our geography. England is that place in Asia, right?

As one pot in Banjo-Kazooie might say, "Thank You".
[har (or boshi006, whatever you like better)

Rare Says:

It hasn't gone unnoticed that the line between Scribes and Uncle Tusk is becoming blurred. Must be down to my latent urge to kill. Basically Tusk is there to help you out if you're stuck in (or have a specific query about) a Rare game, whereas Scribes is just here for... well, all the rest of the rubbish.

And get your facts straight - England's a small town in Wales.

Hey, Rare,

I just finished BK and have to give you ANOTHER standing ovation! I've been buying your games since DKC and have ALWAYS been impressed with the detail and sheer FUN of your games. Banjo-Kazooie is just another example of why Rare will be around for quite a long time... I also wanted you to know that the "older" players are out there and buying your games. Even a 31-year-old loves the overly-cuteness of the
DKC and BK titles... Keep it up! (BTW: When will BK2 be coming out? ;-)

Waiting in anticipation...
Matt Gomes

Rare Says:

You see? This is what the world should be like. None of this hair-raising bloodlust and addiction to heavy artillery - just loads of people of all ages scampering about in lurid green fields with their mutant animal chums.

Dear Scribes,

After seeing your site picture on your website I was wondering if the fact that you are supposedly (I'm told) located in Twycross is true? If so, where is the cricket ground, the pub and the garden centre? And the vast open space for miles?

Also, I can't believe you don't think my beloved Tamworth is lovely. I mean, the ski dome/cow shed is a work of art, the network of underpasses are NEVER graffitied and the people are all very pleasant. OK, perhaps I lie a little there, but I'm sure it beats off any competition Hinckley, Leamington Spa or (dare I say it?) Twycross can offer!

What ever happened to an old Bond film being the Goldeneye sequel? I was quite looking forward to Live and Let Die...
The man from Del Monte (aka Tamworth)

Rare Says:

Credit where it's due, Tamworth is indeed more exciting than any of those places. But it's also less exciting than, for example, opening a packet of crisps.

We never had any plans to make a new Bond game based on an old film: just one of those thigh-slapping Internet rumours we've all come to know and love, I'm afraid. Still, you can always go and play the late 80s Spectrum version of
Live and Let Die. It's... really good.

Dear Scribes,

How in the name of the voodoo god did you manage an "Everyone" rating on Banjo-Kazooie with such extensive use of the words "butt" and "dung," characters like Mr. Loggo and his, erm, pile of stuff down below, Kazooie's voicing of his opinion as to where the giant ice key should go, and in the last battle, Grunty's proclaiming that she has to take a leak? You must have threatened some lawyers with crosses and holy water to pull that off.
The oh-so-great and wonderful PhReaKy MoNKeY

Rare Says:

Come on, it's not exactly hardcore filth, is it? 'Butt' and 'dung' are both legitimate words, neither of which are ever likely to be used again by anyone who's discovered their stronger alternatives: same goes for 'taking a leak'. And toilets are naturally amusing. Overall I thought we exercised admirable restraint. Crosses and holy water, though - we didn't stand a chance with any of that...

Scrib Folk -

There's somethin y'all need to know about the American video gaming industry: It sucks. No, that is not intended as an insult to your conversion programmers who spend countless, tedious hours in front of a cold, lifeless work station for lack of any real companionship save the microscopic infestations taking every opportunity to populate their soiled briefs as quickly and efficiently as possible. I am not for a second questioning their motives or reasons for devoting the more youthful halves of their lives to the entertainment of America's lazy-ass electronically stimulated mush brains. After all, were it not for their selfless devotion to exploiting the ingenious national structure of capitalist consumerism to the fullest extent of the physical world, the American video game consumer would be without the few good titles with which they have provided him (or her). What I am saying is that with the exception of Nintendo itself and your magnificent party (neither of which I realize are American companies), the American video game industry is riddled with the most half-assed, monkey-spankin', lie-spewin', bitch-slappin', excuse-givin', ovaltine-sippin', fat-lippin', penny-pinchin', beacon-tweakin', profit-seekin' group of degenerates on the face of our particular planet. My suggestion to you is that you sit the American consumer down on his dooky butt and set your composure aside in explaining to him precisely how he is doing nothing but harming the questionably salvagable remains of what used to be a market of scarcely adequate good product-to-bad product ratio by supporting the quick buck crap companies who provide him with nothing but repeated successful attempts at poor, but marketable crap titles. I believe it would behoove you to continue the excellent work you are doing while employing the type of marketing strategy which ridicules and insults the rest of the industry which you so gracefully and forcefully leave behind while slapping the American consumer across his empty head in an attempt to wake his sorry ass out of the apparent break in consciousness from which he suffers. May this painstakingly drawn out complimentary suggestion suit your fancy enough to consider the possibility of turning this gross industry upside down, or at least share my view with your numerous legions of internet junkies. Thanks for the open ear. The opinions that matter hold you
in high regard.
Sam Kirk

Rare Says:

I haven't had this much trouble concentrating on a single paragraph since
Debating Texts: A Reader In 20th Century Literary Theory. But the overall message is appreciated. I think. Um, thanks. I'm just going off to order an initial production run of 10 million for our latest crap wrestling tie-in.

Dear Scribes,

While browsing around your excellent website, I noticed you spelt bag(ged) blag. At first, I thought it was a mistake, but then I saw it again elsewhere on the page. Please sate my curiosity and tell me. Is this a genuine conicidence, a British idiosyncrasy, or am I just totally wrong?

Thanks, and may the force be with you.
Mark Stephens

Rare Says:

You don't use the verb 'to blag'? Oh. Well, it means the same as 'to bag', I suppose - i.e. to get your hands on something (for free, if possible). 'Blag' just sounds better. Shut up! It does.

Dear Scribes,

While I know you won't listen to a young turk like me, I've come up with several game ideas, some silly and some serious. How about Donkey Kong Country 0, a prequel starring Cranky Kong and Bazooka Bear (from DKC3) fighting in the Kremean War that was briefly mentioned in DKC3. You should also make Donkey and Candy: The Wedding, where Donkey and Candy finally tie the knot in the first ever Donkey Kong RPG! Finally, make Diddy Kong Racing 2, where Wizpig can finally die, and all the furry young animals can have bacon for breakfast! Seriously consider my ideas. Anything with the words 'Donkey Kong' on it these days is a fortune.

Rare Says:

Groovy ideas, with one exception: Wizpig can't die. This is the world of cutesy games you're talking about, and death isn't even conceivable (except in Pipsy's case - funny how she brings out the worst in people). No, Wizpig would have to be farcically fired into outer space from a big cannon, or flattened into a big grumpy puddle by a steamroller, or something. See how we've got a handle on this whole cutesy thing? Uncanny, isn't it?

Dear Scribes,

Call me crazy, but the soldiers in Bunker on my Goldeneye sometimes unmistakably shout my name. They also make strange pleas for forgiveness. I can hear them yelling "Tom, stop! We give up!" in which they proceed to drop their weapons and put their hands behind their head. In a similar case Boris downloaded a bomb that destroyed the Bunker. My last complaint is that my right hand falls off in Control and a cannon is exposed. While this would be beneficial, I cannot control the firing. If you know of anything that would prevent these events from occuring please write back.

Rare Says:

Perhaps a more expensive psychiatrist would help. There's no way the soldiers are shouting your name unless your parents christened you 'Aaargh' (which, on the basis of this letter, doesn't seem too unlikely).

Dear Scribes,

Ok, I was just looking at all the stuff for the new game Perfect Dark, and I'm already totally psyched by the pictures and well, I guess the overall hype in its comparison to Goldeneye (which in my mind is the best game ever made). But there's one thing I'm not real comfortable with... the lead character is a woman. I mean, no, I'm no chauvinist pig, I just find it harder to see a woman doing all these action riddled things, not to mention cruel things. So don't you think you could put a male character in also?? Like, maybe you can have game players choose whether they want to use Joanna Dark aka "Perfect Dark" or her husband Jack Dark aka "Major Dark". Yeah, I like that. A leading woman just, to me, gives the game an overall softer look. Sorry, haha.

Rare Says:

Yeah, we're going to include Daisy Dark the happy flower as well for all you pacifists out there.

You don't think women are capable of cruelty? Ohhhh, sir, you're woefully mistaken. Why, I remember the time when...
(Stop now before you doom us all. - The Management)


For the record, I'd just like to say that Evil Villain should be called evil plagiarist, because he gave an almost word for word account of an idea for the Zelda trilogy I sent to, the scum!

Rare Says:

I can't decide whether that's funny or just really boring.

What is RC Racing. I've seen it mentioned in release lists. Its meant to be a Rare game. Is it just a load of terd.
Nathan Wulff

Rare Says:

It's certainly not
our 'load of terd', I'll tell you that.

Please would you make a Red Dwarf based game as it would be really cool to control characters from the programme in a Rare game. Just picture using a scutter in a death match, against Rimmer.
The Queen
Rare Says:

'Everybody's Dead, Dave': the world's worst deathmatch option?

I heard on the internet that if you bang on Motzand's organ the number of times there are red bands on the snowman's scarf, he will get crabs! Is this true?

Rare Says:

Crap wordplay and toilet humour - always a winner, I say...

If Kazooie is in the sequel, please have him stop labeling everyone in his path as ____ Boy. Hut Boy, Stupid Boy, Ugly Boy, Dictionary Boy, Boy Boy, Girl Boy, Armageddon Boy... it gets to that point of just being retarded after a while.
Dr. Pickle

Rare Says:

No, wait, it's hilarious. It says here.

I was going to ask you about Zelda, but I am going to ask Nintendo instead.
Dr. D. Gearin

Rare Says:

Thus depriving me of a fine reason to hurl abuse at you. Bah.

You crap flicking junkies! You plucked all of Kazooie's feathers and used them as a decoration on the Scribes site! I HATE YOU!!!!!
Phil Henshaw

Rare Says:

Nurse! Fetch Banjo's medication!

Friday, August 14, 1998

Ask Uncle Tusk: August 14, 1998

Hey Tusk!

Okay, I asked a question about KI3 in my last letter and you shot me down. So I've got a new question. Howard Lincoln said in an interview that Rare was working on two secret games that weren't shown at E3. I'm assuming that one of them is Donkey Kong 64, but how about the other? Would it be possible for Rare to make another fighting game? It doesn't have to be KI, since you guys think the market for that game is gone. The Nintendo 64 is really lacking a quality fighting game. I know that Rare can make one. So, what are the chances of Rare making a new fighting game that isn't KI? I'm the fighting editor for the 64 Source and my readers would love to know guys! Give us the goods!
Bryan Dawson (

Uncle Tusk replies:
'Shot you down'? What? I carry a four-foot sword at all times, I maim for fun and yet I took time out to give a considered response to your questions, and you still reckon I 'shot you down'?

I despair. Anyway. Nobody at Rare ever said that the KI market is 'gone' - inevitably, it's just not thriving in the way it once was. Yes, it would be possible for us to make another fighting game, we've never totally scrapped the idea. Might be KI, might not. Whatever, we can't announce anything until we're ready, so it's no good hassling us for news we haven't got...

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I have just one simple question about Banjo-Kazooie so please answer this. OK my question is as follows. How do I get the Rusty Bucket Bay level opener (ya know puzzle piece area) and also how do I get to the level itself? Because if you open the 450 note door and go in the ice colored room, you can only swim far enough to open Mad Monster Mansion. Please answer this question because I am stuck.

Uncle Tusk replies:
Ah yes. We get this one quite a lot (you thick plebs). Right, listen: leave Mad Monster Mansion as the pumpkin, bounce back down through the graveyard in Gruntilda's Lair and through the gate you should have barged down as Banjo earlier, and you'll find that you can now sneak into the locked tomb at the end through a hole in the door. Mumbo's having a kip inside for twisted reasons of his own, so get him to change you back into Banjo, smash open the coffin and you'll find a switch that raises the water level and allows you to reach the Rusty Bucket Bay entrance area (where there's another similar switch to find). Alright? Alright.

Hey Unc.

I have a question, it shouldn't be very hard for you. How do you get the Golden Gun out of the glass case in Level 9 on Goldeneye? I can kill the Baron dude with no problem, but I can't figure out how to get that dang Golden Gun out of its case. Can you help?

Uncle Tusk replies:
It's a matter of finding the only safe route to the case. To quote from the GoldenEye squad themselves: "You need to walk over the floor in a special way. If you step on some tiles, they will trigger the Ancient Egyptian automated defence systems (circa 5000BC). This brings out the big guns, and closes up the Golden Gun. Each time you step on a 'bad' tile you must run out of the (open) exit of the room, and go round and back in the entrance to try again."


Help me Tuskers, I'm 25 and have been playing games since Purple People Eaters and consider myself a pretty good player, but!!!! I bought Diddy Kong Racing the day it came out and pretty soon came up against the brick wall known as Windmill Plains. After days and days I got over it but in Adventure Two there it is again and can I do it?

In desperation I've selected small characters and even two player (simply to move myself up a place by leaving player two on the start line) but still only come 4th EVERY TIME. No-one I know will take up the challenge of controling player two so in the end it doesn't help much. What do I need to do to beat this beastly track?

While I love a challenge, I love the feeling of overcoming it even more, and it's things like this or Diamond Sands that stand in the way of progression for weeks on end that spoil a great game. Similarly in Goldeneye I simply can't seem to finish the last little bit. Now I'm sure this may be up to my personal skills but a smoother difficulty curve would suit me just fine. Please offer any tips for Windmill Plains you might have, and while you're at it why don't you make fun of my lack of skill?

Thankyou for having me,
Adam ( xxx

Uncle Tusk replies:
If you think you're going to get any mileage out of that old please-laugh-at-my-incompetence double bluff routine, you've got another think coming, you dribbling, cack-handed gibbon.

Windmill Plains is a bit of a swine, yes, but basically it's all down to practice, and there's not much else to say about it. The Rare testers did come up with one little hint that you might find handy, though: Fly at ground level in the plane and you can sneakily use the Zippers on the track. Though in your case this'll probably just cause all manner of comedy high-speed windmill collisions.


If you guys aren't making a new Killer Instinct game, what's all this about? In Issue 118 of Gamepro magazine, Gamepro said to you guys: "Rumor has it that you're working on a new Killer Instinct game." Your guys said in reply: "We can neither confirm nor deny that." Sounds awful mysterious to me. What did you guys mean by that? Tell, tell, tell! Oh yeah, Tusk, if you don't post my letter I'll shove that shiny "R" so far up your.....uhhh.....nose you'll be sneezin' blue and gold snot for a month. Also, you wouldn't want me to tell Auntie Tusk you've been cheating with Orchid, would you? Oh, if you do post this letter: thank ye' kindly!

Thanks for your time!
Thunderball (

Uncle Tusk replies:
Mysterious? What's so mysterious about "We're not telling you"? That's just annoying, not mysterious.

And who's Auntie Tusk? Maya didn't change her name when we got hitched, if that's what you mean. Or if it's Auntie Gertie you're on about, she's deaf as a post anyway. Got a hammer permanently lodged in the side of her head fighting off burglars sixteen years ago.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I simply can't find 8 of the DK coins in DKC3. I can't. I've failed (sniff). Please don't fail me. I need to find where Koin (that nasty baddy, I'm sure you woudn't need a stupid barrel to kill him, would you?) is in these levels...


-Squeals On Wheels

-Springin' Spiders


-Ripsaw Rage


-Ropey Rumpus


-Criss Kross Cliffs

-Tyrant Twin Tussle

-Swoopy Salvo

Please help me, Uncle Tusk.....Please!!!

Humbly Yours,

Uncle Tusk replies:
Stop snivelling, man! Look at the state of you. You can't even count - that's only seven levels. Alright, here...

Squeals on Wheels: Jump up to the platform overhead to the right just before you reach the letter N.

Springin' Spiders: When riding the Nid in the right-hand trunk alongside the green extra lives balloon, use Kiddy to throw Dixie up to the ledge next to Koin.

Ripsaw Rage: Jump into the invisible barrel beneath the letter G, which'll fire you up to an Invincibility Barrel. Let the saw carry you up, jump to the platform on the left, and Koin's just on your right.

Ropey Rumpus: Drop down between the two pillars about halfway across the longest rope in the level.

Criss Kross Cliffs: Make your way back around to the first tunnel on the right after the letter G.

Tyrant Twin Tussle: Use Squitter to climb up the shaft just after the letter O. Koin's on the right, and Bazuka's on the left - make a web bridge to direct the stream of barrels straight at Koin.

Swoopy Salvo: Before you reach the 'No Animals' sign, double back out of the right-hand trunk and re-enter the left-hand one through the higher hole. Koin's up this way.

Dear Unca Tusk,

I seem to be stuck on Freezeezy Peak in Banjo-Kazooie. I've found most of the goodies, but I can't seem to find the 3rd present for the little kiddie bears in the igloo. I found the blue one on the snowman's hat, and I found the green one on the island near Mumbo's hut, but I can't find the third one.

Is there any hope for me, or should I just slay myself and save you the trouble?

Zak Nilsson

Uncle Tusk replies:
Get that bear's furry arse up inside the Xmas tree and you'll find the last present there (though a tragic oversight during production means that you can't turn nasty on the polar bear sprogs during their moment of happiness and beat them to a pulp).

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Is it humanly possible to finish Oyster Harbour in Blast Corps. I have completed all other levels except for... OYSTER HARBOUR!!! Ahhhh. So for the love of God, please help guide me Uncle Tusk. The trouble is that I can't blow up the warehouse structure next to the crane. There is a crane and explosives that you can use to move onto the crane, though it is almost impossible to do this in time. So how's this for a deal, if I promise not to ever thoroughly thrash you good in KI Gold, will you guide me to the light, so... please... sir... with sugar... and a cherry on top...

Uncle Tusk replies:
You've done Diamond Sands, but you can't do Oyster Harbour? You weirdo. For a start, you shouldn't be trying to blow that building a single section at a time - it'll never happen. Position the crane platform so that the TNT takes out at least two sections at once when it drops. With practice you can even find a weak spot that'll let you flatten the whole place in one go. Feel stupid now? You should.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Recently your cat was taken to the County Dump in a green garbage bag. We the employees of the County Dump cannot possibly crunch that cat in the garbage cruncher, so we have sent your cat to the Falkland Islands to be incinerated by means of a nuclear bomb.

Thank you,
Dolnerd Grunt, Head of County Dump

Uncle Tusk replies:
Die, Sniffles! Die, you slobbering ball of filth! Die, die, die! Why, I'd come over there and kick your grotty little face off myself if I knew the way, you stinking, lowdown, worthless... (Sounds of quiet sobbing.)

Dear Tusk,

I've spent almost a week trying to get the Jiggy piece that appears in the tree when you push the witch switch in Click Clock Wood. This is really making me p.o. If someone doesn't help me those friendly men at the dump will be playing that sorry game.

Uncle Tusk replies:
Oh, stop whinging, you hopeless idiot. All you have to do is leave Click Clock Wood in bee form, then it's virtually impossible
not to get the Jiggy. It's amazing you've got so far without picking that up.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

How do you finish the swimming level in DK Land 3 on Time Attack in under the time limit? It's the only level I have left and I need to see the ending.

Uncle Tusk replies:
There's a nifty little shortcut that might help you out here. Cue designer:

"Get Enguarde from just below the starting position. Continue as normal until you reach the second 'No Animals' sign. You'll come across six Lurchins: just behind the last Lurchin is an invisible barrel which will fire you to the exit." You cheating scum.

Dear Unkie,

I heard in Japan the game was renamed to something like The Amazing Adventures of Banjo and Kazooie. Why couldn't you call it that here? I have to say, the name is gay and I wish it was something different. So, please don't call it Banjo-Tooie. How about Banjo-Kazooie 2: Tooie and Banjo's Magical Adventure or whatever? Anyway, I hope you can clear things up for me.
Justin Davis (

Uncle Tusk replies:
Hang on. So
Banjo-Tooie is gay, but Tooie and Banjo's Magical Adventure isn't? Where are you getting this from?

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I have beaten TT on all the tracks in Time Trial mode and I still can't get him as a playable character. My friend has a Gameshark and used that to try to get TT, but it still doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Willy Loman (

Uncle Tusk replies:
You've confused DKR's head honcho now. "Check you really have beaten him," he says. "The TT symbol should appear on the intro screen to every track in Tracks Mode. Are you sure you haven't missed one out? You have found the Future World? And you can't use the GameShark to get him either, just pure skill!"

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I picked up a used copy of Blast Corps a few weeks ago, and I am now rising to the challenge of Platinum. I currently have 19. I was wondering, how many Rare people actually have gotten all 78 Platinum medals?

And one final thing, are you going to eventually have information ON your site, instead of mostly help from Elsewhere?
Thomas McManus (

Uncle Tusk replies:
We physically forced everyone at Rare (including the gardeners and kitchen staff) to play through the game and get every last Platinum medal, because we felt they couldn't possibly consider their lives complete without having experienced that divine end sequence.

Help on the site? What do you call this? The rest of the staff are far too busy to build up FAQs and stuff on all their games, if that's what you mean - and besides, there are plenty of comprehensive guides out there (some of you play the games so hard that you find out things even we didn't know). Any niggling questions left over, well, that's what
I'm here for. So try not to get on my chebs.

Hey Mr. Tusk guy,

I've been a fan of Rare mainly since DKC came out, and have loved every game that the company has produced so far... and have you lost weight? Heh heh, now you're forced to read the rest of this message since my suckup powers are so strong and powerful to wipe out a whole crew of 3rd grade teachers... Anyway... about Candy Kong, what ever happened to her?! I mean, she was Donkey's main girl (even though I did see her blow a couple of kisses at Diddy when the big guy wasn't looking)! Now she isn't in any game, and she was the best game save I had ever seen! Did she get eaten by a crock, run over by a bird-welding bear, decide to mass produce Spam?! She just disappeared, and left many of us in the dark, so pleeeeease, help us know of her whereabouts!!

Your average software user and Candy Kong whereabouts looker for her person,
Bryan Bohnsack

Uncle Tusk replies:
Banjo might have a bit of a temper on him, but I can't really see him sinking so low as to indulge in 'bird-welding'.

And Candy's still around, somewhere. She's just been keeping a low profile since the original DKC, where her strenuous barrel-presenting antics eventually left her close to exhaustion. She'll be back in the spotlight one day, don't worry, you ape-fancying pervert.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

A quick question, what does a person need to do to get the Most Professional award at the end of a 007 match?
P.S. Quad Kill (DOH!) <--Hilarious!

Uncle Tusk replies:
A quick answer from the team: "The person with the highest ratio of head shots (as opposed to shooting the arm/leg/hand/foot/shoulders/inner thigh etc) collects the Most Professional award."

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Greetings, great, almighty answer-man, Uncle Tusk. My name is Ellington. Jasper Ellington. The third. Yeah, yeah, I know. Jasper Ellington III is a big name but I didn't have anything to do with that--it was all that other dude's fault. Anyways, this is part one of Jasper & Uncle Tusk: a constant flooding of irrepressible antics in when I state my questions or comments. For example, today, we have a comment. Let's begin, shall we?

Ahem. One moment please...

THE WALLS! THE INVISIBLE WALLS! ARGGGHHHH! Banjo-Kazooie, Blast Corps, GoldenEye 007, Diddy Kong Racing--the walls are everywhere! Oh sure, I can understand it. A cart only has so much room--well why not a CD, then?! No, forget I said that. But now, everytime I play a game--I get so paranoid. Oh sure, it looks like there's a lot of room, but then, the walls start closing in!

Diddy Kong Racing, "The plane stopped flying! The island's right behind us! We're trapped! Isn't Diddy supposed to go back to DK

Banjo-Kazooie, "It's a canyon! It's nothing but a big canyon! Banjo lives in a canyon and he will never get out! Swim. Swim away from the island. Oh no! Here comes Snacker! We're doomed!"

GoldenEye 007, "These doors won't open! They're locked! The trees aren't trees at all! They're just pictures of trees--flat trees--and we've been boxed into Servernaya or Cuba or wherever! ARGGGHHH!"

Even in Super Mario 64--not a game by Rare--but the invisible walls are still there, laughing and mocking us! SM64 had slopes that looked like escape routes like in Bob-omb Battlefield and Snowman's Land. Banjo-Kazooie brought cliffs! Straight, up-and-down walls and cliffs! We're trapped! I can't breathe! I'm starting to see things! Is that a hippo riding a jet ski? I'm gone for good. Ughhh...

Sorry to dash your hopes but I'm still alive and kicking, and I'll be back to send you another letter, Uncle Tusk. Until next time, be sharpening that sword!
Jasper Ellington III (

Uncle Tusk replies:
Oh, I will. Just in case it crosses your mind to send in part two of this hilarious feature.

As for the invisible walls, what do you want us to do, make infinite levels? Either that or they'd have to wrap around, which could lead to a slightly unrealistic impression in something like GoldenEye. Or we could just have an endless expanse of nothing wrapped around a comparatively tiny bit of level. Or we could just have solid, opaque walls if you like. But can you see what all these ideas have in common? That's right - they're all stupid.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I have three questions for you to answer:

1. While playing Click-Clock Wood in the excellent game Banjo-Kazooie in the Autumn room, I was suddenly struck by a thought: "Gnawty? He sounds familiar..." Then I suddenly realised the truth: HE'S BEEN RECYCLED FROM BOSSHOOD IN DKC! Confirm or Deny?

2. Is Mumbo a Jinjo? He look like one in B-K and on my B-K poster I got in a mag! I even looked at him closely while he was clearing leaves from his hut in Autumn.

3. Is Rare considering making games featuring other DKR characters?
A big Rare fan

Uncle Tusk replies:
1. Oh, alright then. He's been hanging around here for years, whining on and on about wanting his own game, but it seems he finally got the message recently and decided to gatecrash Banjo's party instead.

2. Stop being stupid.

3. Might be. We were thinking of replacing Joanna Dark with Pipsy, seeing as she's become something of a 90s gaming icon. What do you reckon?


Look into the screen... you are getting sleepy... sleepy... sleeeeeeppppyyyyy... now then you will go around swinging your sword in the office of the Rare staffers until they make and sell a Beta version of Goldeneye with MayDay and Oddjob, the Citadel, All Bonds, Line Mode, the secret island on the Dam, and all the other things they held back because of time constraints. You will do this on the count of three 1... 2... 3.

Uncle Tusk replies:
You forgot to click your fingers.

So, out of sheer spite and perversity, I wandered over to the GoldenEye team's offices and made enquiries on the subject of Beta versions in my most exaggeratedly polite manner. They said this:

"Oh, MayDay and Oddjob and all that stuff will be in Perfect Dark anyway.... Or will they? Are we just lying? Messing with your brain? (Evil Lambertian laughter) Heh heh heh."

Yo Tusk,

I was disturbed to see your ending in KI Gold, you stupidly go back to beat up people as the champion while in in KI2 you end up married with Maya, Queen of the Amazons (this means queen of chick city). What the heck were you thinking in Gold, you could have got the babes and I'm willing to bet a lot more guys would come to get beat up by you in the city of the Amazons then in the arena.
Lord Darken

Uncle Tusk replies:
Now, you see, you're completely missing the essential dichotomy of an ageing barbarian's nature. On one hand he has longings for a happier, more settled life away from all the meaningless slaughter once the burden of destiny is removed from his shoulders, while on the other hand he feels obliged to carry on butchering and maiming for fame and money in an effort to bolster his failing pride and deny the gradual debilitating effects of middle age.

Sorry, I think I'm going to have to go for a little lie down.