Tuesday, June 23, 1998

Scribes: June 23, 1998

Dear Scribes,

Alrighty. Now while I suppose it unfair to hold you guys personally responsible for the loss of the Tomorrow Never Dies rights to that "other system", and while the promise of Perfect Dark is indeed tempting, I WANT BOND! No-one else has his class, his wit, his extraordinarily powerful movie tie-in marketing ploys. The end of your GoldenEye said he'd return! It did (sob). It really did (sob sob). You're a bunch of big fat dirty liars. LIARS LIARS LIARS! That outburst of emotion now somewhat cleared, I am led to understand you guys hold the rights to the other characters/films. Am I right, or do I proceed to ritually disembowel my informant? And if so, when will 007 grace my N64 again?
When? When? WHEN?!
Andrew Ferguson

Rare Says:

I hope you've got the comedy disembowelling toolkit on standby. We passed up on the offer to 'do' any more Bond games, because - let's face it - we're
that hard. And though the 007 licence does have a certain advantage of recognition, it also comes bundled with countless restraints (fixed storyline, things the character isn't allowed to do, etc.) which the team wanted to shake off for their second venture into the genre. Innovation, mate, that's the plan. Are you seriously claiming to have lost faith in Perfect Dark just because it's not a Bond game?

Dear Rare guys,

Love the site. Really. Okay, I just like your site. Anyhoo, I's gots a question fors yas. What is the offical name for Donkey Kong World/Donkey Kong 64/Ultra Donkey Kong? Also, someone pointed out to me that you just whipped Diddy Kong Racing outta your arse, and didn't show it at E3. Any chance you might whip Donkey Kong World/Donkey Kong 64/Ultra Donkey Kong outta your arse, too?

Thanks a lot,
~Matt (Bastion007@aol.com)

Rare Says:

Hey! We so crazy, we don't even know what we're going to 'whip outta our arse' next. And we don't actually have a finalised name for
DK64 - all the titles you've seen floating around so far are the results of various industry types (journos, distributors etc.) trying to pin a label on the thing. It could still end up being called Donkey Kong's Titillating Knicker Quest for all we know.

Dear Scribes,

I would like to know if it is official Rare policy to take a game that has sold well and make it look nicer? It seems thats what you always do; DKC was just a nicer looking (but shallower) Mario, DKR was just Mario Kart. Why don't Rare actually utilise all the great machines and staff they undoubtably have and produce some original games? Don't get me wrong, Rare make good games, but they could make great games. The only game that Rare have done that will survive the test of time (aside from their early stuff) is Goldeneye.

I know you probably won't print this letter because I'm not singing your praises and actually have a few serious questions (as opposed to telling you how great all your games are and asking you why Orchid doesn't marry Donkey Kong). But I'd like to know your opinions on this. Maybe I'm wrong. What do you think?
Michael Owen (existential11@hotmail.com)

Rare Says:

Have Orchid marry Donkey Kong? That's a brilliant idea! Thanks.

Okay, now let's see. How can we be expected to invent a completely new genre with every game we release? It's not possible. The only way that DKC was like
Mario was that both followed the same scrolling platform formula, just like several thousand other games since the dawn of the industry. Everything else (graphic style, modes of play, blah) was different - just as different as GoldenEye is from Doom, and yet you quote that as an example of originality.

There's no denying that sometimes you have to stick to a recognised format for your game to be accepted, but you can hardly accuse Rare of banging out inferior tat just to make money. Neither can you say that we wouldn't touch originality with a bargepole. Blast Corps, anyone?


Why don't you do a first-person breakfast cereal shoot-em-up using the GoldenEye engine? Well? Levels could be spread across toast and there would be no need to eliminate pop-up. Rice Krispies (tm) make passable hand-grenades for moths and you could do bonus levels where you have to eat raw Golden Grahams and snort milk.

At the end of every level you'd get a pile of statistics heaped on a
muffin - like
jam - mostly raspberry
toaster setting - crumpet
milk turned brown - 40%
...that sort of thing.

If you go ahead with my idea - I insist on some sort of grocery voucher.
Mark Birchall (birchallm@liuknt1.light.ge.com)

Rare Says:

It's the bored, disinterested tone of your idea that makes it such a winner. Nevertheless, we'd still prefer to make a third person game based on the always-entertaining antics of Morris dancers, where you chase a whole load of the buggers through a big cave until you get to a dead end - where they all wearily line up to have their little sticks with bells on shoved into places clearly not designed for such things. The simple ideas are always the best, we feel, and there's something there for all age groups.

Dear Scribes,

I remember when I first walked into an arcade and saw this black box surrounded by crouds of people and heard this deep voice yell Mmmmaaasssterrrr cooommmmbooo. Then being the curious gamer I am, I walked over and pushed people out of the way to witness KI. I was amazed to see the graphics...but as soon as I saw a combo done I HAD to play it. Ok enough corn balls. Im a huge KI fan, and own KI Gold. I love KI2 also and understand the absolute joy of its gameplay, but I honestly believe the reason it was a little less popular was not the long combos being worn out, it was that the graphics in KI2 were WORSE than KI. The arcade down the street has both games side by side and KI's graphics are crisper, more 3D, and look meaner. Now I understand about the new animations of the characters in the second game but they just dont make up for the smaller, more pixelated graphics in KI2. Also the characters in KI2 didnt have that distinguished ethinic backround that they did in KI. That was important because there was this cherokee kid that used to be cheif T. and I remember him saying "finnally sumbody put a indian in a game" That said let me tell you that my favorite game on the planet is KI Gold and I am praying you didnt ditch the series. Let me guerantee you there are millions of KI fans who are praying for KI3. Well thats my worthless two cents.(thats gotta be the longest letter ive ever written) >;^)
Aaron Menchaca (aarosquare@yahoo.com)
p.s. when does Perfect Dark come out?

Rare Says:

Despite what you might think, we are aware that there's a cadre of die-hard KI fans out there. But we can't spend the rest of our careers churning out 2D beat-'em-ups any more than we're about to devote the next ten years to a parade of soulless GoldenEye clones. Progress can be disheartening when you're a big fan of something, I know, but it's also inevitable. Life goes on. Things change. We're genuinely glad that so many people continue to enjoy KI, and we might well return to the franchise at some point in the future - nobody's ruled out the possibility - but right now we've got other fish to fry.
(PS Who can say? Next year sometime. When we're happy with it.)

Dear Scribes,

ok, here is the question i think everyone has been wondering about ever since this sight went up. If you could have a choice between having the power to control cottage cheese with your mind, or turn any part of your body into plumming equipment which would you choose and why? I think this question is important enough to all your readers to warrant a response.
Justin Davis (DAVIS51@prodigy.net)

Rare Says:

If I were an obsessive, tragically misled Dr. Who fan who wanted nothing more out of life than to look like a Dalek, I'd have to go for the 'plumming' equipment. But I'm not, so it'll have to be the deeply strange cottage cheese mind control thing (though I'd make a point of never using it - terrible thing, megalomania).

Dear Scribes,

You guys at Rare are a bunch of old sods. Putting out teasers and previews of a bloody good game like Perfect Dark, when you could quite simply release a ROM of the game and an N64 emulator and your problems would be eliminated. What the heck is wrong with you old chaps?!
Steve (rbyers@integrityonline.com)

Rare Says:

Sounds suspiciously like a non-Brit trying to use British expressions, if you ask me. But you're right, we are a bunch of old sods. Sorry. I'll get a development ROM and a cheque for $500 in the post to make up for it. If anyone else wants some free money, just write in.

Dear Scribes,

Mr Pants!




THANG-THU (thu@theriver.com)

Rare Says:

Entertaining as these letters are, I suppose I'd better clear this up for the genuinely dense among you. Rare is a British company, yes? And because we've already got the word 'trousers' to describe the things you wear to cover your legs, we use 'pants' to refer to the things you wear
under your 'trousers'. And being a nation obsessed with childish toilet humour, we find it funny to use the word 'pants' (along with a wide range of complementary vulgarities) as much as possible in everyday conversation.

So Mr. Pants' name isn't misleading at all - he is a bit of a disgusting sight, granted, but misleading, no.

Dear Scribes,

Ok I have a couple of questions and I am hoping you answer them...

1: After appearing in DKR, Banjo, and Conker both got their own game. I have heard that TipTup is in Banjo-Kazooie. My question is, will other DKR characters (like Timber or Drumstick) get their own game in the near future?

2: Are their any plans to make a 64 bit DKC, with a Co-Op mode like in Twelve Tales: Conker 64?

3: And I don't know if you know yet but will Perfect Dark feature more or less levels than GoldenEye?

Thank you for reading my questions, please print these I need to know.
JK (YoshiKid14@aol.com)

Rare Says:

1: Drumstick will be appearing in the 75% complete
Wacky Abattoir Mayhem, a puzzle-based 3D platformer which will be Nintendo's big title at this year's Space World show. But if it's fact rather than stupid lies you're after, well, er, all I can say is "possibly".

2: What? Set it in a chain of cheap local supermarkets? Funny idea.
DK64 is certainly in production, but very few specific features/modes have been finalised yet. (Translation: we don't know.)

3: Erm... hang on. I'll ring the team. Hello? Yes... right. Okay. Apparently it'll have "less than three times as many levels". So that's that one cleared up, then.

Dear RW,


Rare Says:

You forgot to disengage your unique Exclamation Lock key as well, you jabbering madman. Look, look! We've crowbarred a cameo appearance from Tiptup into Banjo-Kazooie for no other reason than to make you buy it. Are we really mean? Yes. We are.

Dear Scribes,

Let me start by saying your games crush all the competition's, sorry, except for Nintendo's own, and I never miss them! I's just wondering about the pics shown for Perfect Dark. Are they renders, or are they running on an N64? They seem a little too high quality, or the game is about 5 minutes long! But I guess you never know, Rareware has done amazing stuff! Also, any movies from Jet Force Gemini yet? I couldn't find them on any sites. Oh, and another Blast Corps would be excellent!!!!
Cloud XIII (cloud_xiii@hotmail.com)

Rare Says:

They're definitely not renders. I'm not quite sure what we'd gain from faking screenshots, except a reputation for being big fat dirty liars (which we seem to have already, judging by Andrew Ferguson's letter).

Seems like no other sites have posted the E3 video of JFG yet - dunno whether they will at some point in the future. As for us, well, movie files are something we're looking into. I suppose we should have them really, but we're too tight to pay for the extra drive space. We'll see what we can sort out.

Hi, Rare Dude!!

Let me start off by saying that I love to come to your website and read your satirical replies to reader mail as well as other funny parts. (Mr. Pants Roxxxxx!!!1!!1!)

Now, on to the question: Are the employees of Rare all buddy-buddy with programmers for other companies, or is it like hush-hush, dont tell them anything about our company or we'll send the black helicopters filled with attack sloths after you?

Take, for instance, E3. Did people from your company sit around with people from (insert name of competing company here) and say "Oh, yeah, in Goldeneye, I had to fix a glitch thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis big!", and, "It took forever to finish that one level. Don't tell anyone, but there's a part where I had to leave Oddjob and Mayday in that one room and I didn't tell the people at Rare"? Please reply, I need people to notice me and read my email and reply to them on their websites or I will die and fade away like the bad guys in Goldeneye.

J-Bond (olenderski@worldnet.att.net)
Rare Says:

We love everyone, we do. For example, I'm sure a hypothetical group of our E3 representatives this year would have greatly enjoyed going to imaginary Atlanta strip joints and getting conjecturally trousered with fictional punters from other companies. (Though that's assuming a certain percentage of our staff is composed of tacky lowlifes, which of course it isn't.)

Dear Scribes,

Just a thought: just like Nintendo should release a Zelda Trilogy game with updated graphics, you boys should release Legend: Donkey Kong Country Trilogy. Update the graphics a bit, add some hidden things, maybe allow us to use, say, Kiddy Kong in DKC 1. How titalating!! Also, throw in a graphically (and otherwise, if you wish) updated version of the original Donkey Kong and DK Junior games. (In DK Junior, Mario is an evil poacher!!! Tee Hee!!!). Add a new, say bonus level mix of all the characters (including a playable version of Cranky, Wrinkly, Swanky, etceteras.) MORE KONGS!!! Throw in Donkey's distant cousin, the insane baboon I'd like to call, say, Nutty Kong. Release this awesome monster closely after Ultra DK or whatever it's called. This game could only take up, say, a 16 megabyte cartridge. DO IT!! The sales will be huge, the production costs will be fairly low, you will be victorious!!! I may be a loon, or a goon, or just a Nintendo geek, but you guys are whiz-bang and Jiminy Doo-dah!!

Love and hugs,
Evil Villain (evil_villain@hotmail.com)

Rare Says:

Er... thanks. Quite a few people have made suggestions along these lines, actually, which means that we'd be guaranteed sales of about six if we went ahead with it one day. There are drawbacks to it, though. The games are still selling as they are, for one thing, so most people who'd buy the compilation have already got each of the titles separately. I doubt they're old enough to be considered 'retro', either, so we'd just get slated for trying to make an easy profit. But it's a nice idea. You never know.

Dear Scribes,

Is there a Rosika Fanclub out there? I would love to receive the Rosika Monthly from now on, The Kick-Ass Granny fanclub.

Next Bond... have her running around with a Coffee Cart crushing people. Or not Perfect Dark but Perfect Coffee starring our favorite female to date.
Gul Zee

Rare Says:

I'll pass on your undying admiration to the Rare kitchen staff member who provided the basis for Rosika. She'll be round to berate you over the state of your cacti any minute now.

Thursday, June 4, 1998

Ask Uncle Tusk: June 4, 1998

Hi Tusk!

That Rodney Witherspoon is fake isn't he?! He was there when this site opened! How can a 14-year old spell like that?! And also, how can a 14-year old believe that a video game character is real?!
Ice Blue

Uncle Tusk replies:
You young scamp. There's no fooling you, is there?

Dear Tusk Person,

Ok, I beat Diddy Kong Racing on both adventures, and I got T.T. But, when I beat the second Wizpig on adventure 2, it gave me the same ending as in adventure 1! Wizpig came back, and it said, to be continued. So, how do I get the ending where he doesn't come back? What do I get when I beat those times that you give me when I beat the second adventure?

Thanks, uhh, Tusk.
Fidika (Fidika@aol.com)
Uncle Tusk replies:
The second ending is conveniently hidden in a different game. That's how very, very clever we are. So you'll have to wait for Wizpig's second coming before you can attempt to skin his sausages for good.

And the times are T.T.'s ultimate records, if I'm not very much mistaken, which I hope for your sake I'm not. Why don't you beat them and see? Too soft, or something?

Is there anything you can tell me which will help me finish Facility level on Goldeneye in under 2:10?? IT'S TOO BLOOMIN' HARD!!! Sadist games-makers. You must thrive on seeing people fail!!! I suppose you, Uncle Tusk, have the strength to just run head-long through each wall squashing every gaurd in your path!! Ta!
Mana Hero (mana_hero@hotmail.com)
Uncle Tusk replies:
Squashing gaurds? What, like melons and stuff? Are you saying that's my limit, sunshine?

No, it's alright, I understand. You're just a bit dim. Now then, it's a thorny problem, this Facility cheat thing. A few lines just won't do it justice. I think, therefore, that this calls for the first ever
Ask Uncle Tusk Special... (but don't you think I'll be doing this for everyone. It just so happens that the team already had this little beauty tucked away somewhere.)

[Note: "Ask Uncle Tusk Special" originally linked to a guide to finish Facility in under 2:10]

I was really wondering if Cinder was hidden anywhere in KI Gold??
I have heard rumors on the web and from friends who have claimed to have seen him in the game. I was just wondering if you could confirm or deny the existence of him in the game.

Rare Kicks,
Paul Hopker (homerj@tir.com)

Uncle Tusk replies:
They're lying to you. Cinder's not in KI Gold and your friends think it's hilarious that you believe their outrageous claims. Do you want me to come round and rough them up a bit?

Uncle Tusk-crazy message and song!!!!
Hi Everbody!

Sing your praises to Rare, to Rare!
Sing your praises everywhere, everywhere!
And if you have too much f-u-u-u-nnnnnn!
You just have to....ummm....well.....live with it.

Wasn't that special! (applause)
Thanks! (applause)
Bye! (applause)
You think I'm a psycho, don't you? (applause)
Fenix (fenix7@hotmail.com) (applause)

Uncle Tusk replies:
That's really nice. Thanks. I'll have it inscribed into your headstone later this afternoon.

I'm writing to ask whether or not there is a Future Fun Land battle stage, and if so, how do you get to it?

Kay... basically, from what i can see there isn't one. Correct? However, there IS one for every other world.

Also, if you go to 'Tracks' and quickly switch from the Dragon Forest battle level (Smokey Castle) to the Future Fun land Trophy Race you can see another level in the bottom right hand corner! COULD THIS BE THE FUTURE FUN LAND BATTLE LEVEL?

I haven't had sleepless nights over it just yet but I'm getting there.
Adrian Bell (bateau_34@hotmail.com)

Uncle Tusk replies:
I couldn't honestly be arsed to answer this one, so I tied it to a brick and threw it at DKR's designer instead:

"There was always going to be a Future Fun Land Battle Track but the structure got rearranged and it didn't fit into place. We had one designed and playable but took it out near the end of the project. And no, it's not displayed in the bottom right hand corner."

So there. Stop your whinging.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

You've got to help me!! That Conker the squirrel is coming to kill me!! Just look at its adorable eyes!! Look at it's hideous face!! It dosen't change or move!! LOOK AT IT!!! LOOOK AAAT IIIT!!!!

By the way.....If Diddy Kong Racing is said to have "all my favorite Rare characters", Where are you and Fulgore?

Please help me,
John (coradillon@sprint.ca)

Uncle Tusk replies:
Tempting as it is to drop misleading hints about me and the metal baboon being hidden away somewhere on Sherbet Island, somehow I know that the avalanche of mail I'd get from the gullible idiots among you just wouldn't be worth it.

Don't worry about Conker. If he gets it into his head to come after you, there's nothing you can do to stop him. Born killer, that one.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

How do you make Squitter's web bridges in Donkey Kong Land 3! Please tell me! I need to get to the lost world!!!

Thank you
Rafael Garcia (rgone111@email.msn.com)

Uncle Tusk replies:
You fire a web as normal, then you press Select when it's reached the place you want your platform. It couldn't be simpler. Are you thick, boy? Haven't you read the manual?

Dear Uncle Tusk,

In a pathetic attempt to impress my girlfriend, I finished Diddy Kong Racing, with a blindfold over my eyes, cotton wool in my ears, and only using the vibrations of the Rumble Pak to guide me. She took advantage of my temporary sensory deprivation to run off with my german shepherd, Alan. Women, eh?

My question is this;

Life- What's it all about?

Do hope you can sort that one out, thanks ever so,
Abagail Nostradamus III

Uncle Tusk replies:
Women, yeah. Don't talk to me about women. And life - whoa, life, yeah, know what you mean.

Hang on though. You've got a woman's name, like that big bloke from
Final Fight, who was obviously a transvestite anyway. So why are you on about women? And dogs as well? What are you, some kind of pervert? Do you want a kicking?

Dear Uncle Tusk:

What are the conditions for actually knocking Gargos off of his bridge, instead of me weakening him to almost nothing, only to have him laugh in my face at every attempt of an attack thereafter?
-Nephew Jeremy

Uncle Tusk replies:
Honestly. All you have to do is jeff him with a move that'll hit him high enough into the air, like an uppercut - it doesn't even have to be a special move, you dunce. You just need to experiment with which moves work for which characters. All Ultra Combos should do the trick, though. And don't let him get away with laughing at you: Rip his neck off! Kick his face up!!!

Hi Tusk!

My grandson and I have been playing Diddy Kong since Christmas and cannot find the key in World 16 (Dino Domain). We have searched Boulder Canyon, Haunted Woods, etc.. to no avail. Please give us a clue where the key is. We have gone thru each world backwards, forwards except Boulder Canyon. Please, please help.

Barbara Rabe and Brett

Uncle Tusk replies:
I take it you mean Dragon Forest, not Dino Domain. After all, saying Dino Domain when you meant Dragon Forest would just be stupid. Anyway, here's DKR's designer again:

"The key you're looking for is on Boulder Canyon! Cross the drawbridge and you'll see the bell. When you ring the bell, turn around to see the drawbridge rise. If you look up the raised drawbridge, you can see a platform high above on which you'll find the key! Power up the Blue Balloons until you have a fully powered up boost, ring the bell so the drawbridge rises and then boost up the bridge."

Hey Uncle Tusk,

I was wondering how you and the rest of the Rare gang get along. You know, Conker, Banjo, Diddy and so on.....Some people are saying that you're getting surprisingly close to Pipsy in some late night conversations. Could you please tell the world what's really going on?
Thank you,
Dirk Diggler

Uncle Tusk replies:
What? Talking to Pipsy? Are you delusional, man? Don't you realise she's just a made-up character? I'd have to be seriously sick before I started talking to made-up characters, you lunatic.

Tuesday, June 2, 1998

Scribes: June 2, 1998

Dear Scribes,
I would like your opinion on a rumor I recently made up, er, I mean heard: Koopa's claim to fame separating himself from the countless other Koopa Troopas was the role he won the part for in 1992's Super Mario Kart. Koopa later agreed to change his name to something more original, Magikoopa, which he used in SMW2, SMRPG, and Tetris 2. Magikoopa was working on the Mario Kart 64 project (there were screen shots of the game with him included in them) until Nintendo found out that he had already signed a contract with Rare. (Nintendo then filled his vacancy in the game with Wario.) Meanwhile, Magikoopa agreed to change his name once again to Tiptup for DKR. So, is it true?
Ed "The Legend" Price; the--legend@juno.com

Rare Says:
Tiptup is actually the result of a horrific voodoo curse put on a small Botswanan child caught thieving pies from Abu the Witch Doctor's Offal Shoppe, while Magikoopa did apply for a part in DKR but was tragically crushed under the wheels of a tractor on his way to the interview. Life is full of these brutal little dramas.

Dear Scribes,

I have a question about your site. In forums, there are messages posted from 1997. How can this be if the site just came up a couple days ago? I live in the U.S, was it already up in Britain or something? Also, how come there are no letters here in Scribes? Am I the only one that is writing to you guys?

Rare Says:
Sorry. We don't really exist, and you're just mental.
...Oh, alright then. The grotty old Forum messages are just the relics of internal site testing before we went online. Exciting, eh? No, you're right. Sorry.

Dear Scribes,
Well, in par with your example message from idiot@irritating.com, here is my engaging and intelligent letter to you:

wassssuppp?!!!?//1 cooudld ouyuou sned em sum info'rmachine abowt teh lendged off zeldaa??1? i no taht u dont mak teh gaem btu sinse u wrok for nintindo i thowt taht u culd sned me sum kule piks bout teh game. im lucing forword too ur rsponse.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to this thoughtful and interesting message.
hireme@inil.com (And, yes, that IS my real e-mail address)
Rare Says:
leggned off zleda wil oh;pfeuly beout int tiem fo,r crhistsqmas i ohpe yuowill enojy palying iit asm uc\h as i haev enojyde wirtnig abuot i]t ina comadey iddeot fashon# tahnnxxx!!1!!!!1!

I think Goldeneye is one of the best game ever made, but it really lacked blood. Think about it, I shot a Russian with about 50 bullets in the face with 2 RC P90 and it only looked as if he were blushing. Are you ever going to make a game that basically resembles Resident Evil? Gamers want to play a game where you can shoot off someone's head or limbs. When the hell is Nintendo going to realize we want a game that truly deserves an M rating? Anyways, I think your games are excellent but lack blood.
NX Phase (NXPhase@aol.com)
Rare Says:
Good Lord. You're a bit of a psycho, aren't you? (At least you get to dismember giant insects in Jet Force Gemini - hopefully that'll keep you off the streets for a while, you nutcase.)

Hey guys...great site! As good as your games!! I must ask if between web development and game development, when do you guys find the time for a pint or a quick shag?? I would hope these small recreational tokens are still on your priority list...

Rare Says:
I'm sorry. Nobody here understands either of those terms. Could you convert them into C or Assembler?

Dear Scribes,

Answer me this, why have most Nintendo titles got to be fluffy and cutesy, I am one of the many 30 something's still playing computer and video games and own both a PC and N64 and would love to see a Resident Evil type game on the N64 format.

While I look foward to both Banjo-Kazooie and Conker's Quest because the quality of your releases are always very good, I feel sure it's not the type of game I or anybody my sort of age would choose to play if there was something "more grown up to play".
Antony Grashion (hyundai@globalnet.co.uk)

Rare Says:
Eh? Look at our N64 output so far: KI Gold, Blast Corps, GoldenEye and DKR - hardly a cutesy majority. And you have to understand that while we do appreciate the need for more mature games, there is a huge market for games that cover all age groups. It sounds like corporate fluff, I know, but look at it this way: anyone can play DKR or Banjo-Kazooie and still enjoy it, while younger kids would be hard-pressed to get to grips with GoldenEye - and you don't hear them complaining about it.

Mr. Pants. Keep him. He rukes! (not a typo) You should put him on the cover page or something, and make him take up the entire browser window and have a caption underneath that says "click my pants to enter." Of course.....come to think of it, people might take that the wrong way...
Moop3 (moop3@aol.com)

Rare Says:
Don't give me ideas. I'm already hassling people to do a PaRappa-style game with the stubbornly 2D Mr. Pants flopping all over the place on his hilariously mismatched legs. (It's amazing how many requests I've had to get rid of Mr. Pants because he's so badly-drawn, you know. Even the most basic satire seems to be above some people.)

Dear Scribes,

I just want to tell you guy that this is the greatest video game company web page ever. Unlike some of the other companies, you have realised the potential of the web.

A suggestion: how about a page explaining some of the mysterious stuff from Goldeneye, like the briefcase, or the 24th cheat.

When are we gonna see these games: RC-Pro AM 64, Wizards & Warriors 64, Snake Rattle 'n' Roll 64, and Cobra Triangle 64. Come on everyone loves Cobra Triangle, imagine a 64-bit version with groovy wet looking water. And if you don't have the rights to these games, you should damn well buy them back!

Oh and on the off chance that someone is reading this... I have some more to say! How about writing your own Instruction Booklets and putting something interesting in them. Like interviews, or crazy developer hi-jinx.

Rare Says:
Blimey. Okay, let's see: a mini trivia/rumour FAQ thing for GoldenEye is in the pipeline, so watch for that soon. Cobra Triangle 64? You strange man. And we already have started writing our own instruction booklets, but if we tried to cram in details of all the wacky development pranks we get up to, well hey, it wouldn't fit in the box, we so damn crazy. Interviews are what The Tepid Seat's been set up for, so feel free to send your burning questions that way...

Is it just me or are you guys trying to just mess with me??? Do you alternate from a yellowish font to a white font? Please let me know that I'm not going (more) insane!!

Rare Says:
Changing font colours? What are you talking about? Why would we want to do that? Have you seen a doctor lately? Etc.

Dear Scribes,

Riddle me this, riddle me that...

Rare's last couple of N64 releases have been absolutely fantastic, the perfect mix of fun, frustration and fascination. It surely must take a gargantuan effort, from many talented people to produce games of such constantly high quality.

How is it then, that upon reading your new web page, I get the feeling that any ol' fool or geezer off the street could get a job with you. If this is the case, I would like a highly paid job as a graphic artist, my last art teacher said my finger paintings of "a storm, its a big brown storm, or...or a circle, a messy circle with..." were very good. I even got a smiley stamp.

Aside from taking the ("mickey" - Ed)
out of myself with my wonderful self deprecating humor, I would like to thank you for some of the most fun I have ever had on a console, or computer, or boardgame. Almost as much fun as Omega Race and Gorf.

Julian Emerson-Elliott, Australia (Thanks for the good word on PAL).

Oh, I suppose I'd better put in the mandatory purple prose... You guys are the best. I love youse guys. I play all your games. I only play yourse games corse youse guys are the best. The others are just not, there just pretenders. You the good guys. You the good guys. Thay no good. You good. Youse the best. Yeah... ad nauseum.

Rare Says:
Er, cheers then. Sorry if we sound that desperate on the Recruitment page, but don't let it fool you into thinking that a buoyantly enthusiastic and talented games veteran stands exactly the same chance of getting a job with us as a confused middle-aged pig farmer who tries to make toast in his offspring's N64 (no offence to middle-aged pig farmers, naturally). Just sending in an application doesn't mean you've got the job. Your application could, for instance, be crap. But hey! It's definitely worth trying.

Gorf's not half as good as Phoenix.

Heya..... Rare guy,

Who is that (insert words of discouragement here) who is constantly using annoying puns?!?!?! Not to offend you, because you guys are like gods to me, and I would gladly sacrifice my own big fluffy sponge cake to please you. But seriously, tell that guy, whats-iz-name, to tone down the puns, please. If you tell me he was pepped up on wacky sauce or a little too close to the paint thinner I would be less upset, but I think he is doing it for no reason.

From the little man whose self-esteem will be dramatically lowered if his e-mail isn't posted by the almighty gods from heaven,

Rare Says:
What's-a matter you? Hey! Gotta no respect? What's wrong with my puns? They're great. They add spice to an otherwise drab and wearisome publicity write-up, if you ask me. And they take ages to think up and everything. If you don't like them, you can always go off and, er... have some ham... in, er... in a pun. Or shoot yourself with a big, er, a big pun. See how that works?

Dear RW,

First, hey!!!! kiler instyint ROX!!!!!1!!. Second, what is Conker's Quest going to be like: cartoony (a la DKR), sarcastic and wacky (a la Gex: Enter the Gecko, though I thought it was a tad corny), just plain fun (a la Mario), or other? And can you hint obscurely at any future games (not too obscurely)? Third(?), I love every Rare game I've played and now you have an awesome webpage to back it up (it's better than NOA's, *chortle*). Fourth, make a Blast Corps sequel, and that's an order (just kidding). Fifth, hey!!!! kiler instyint ROX!!!!!1!! Sixth, sorry, I'll quit wasting your time. Seventh, pretend I didn't post the last one or this one, either. Thanks you!

Incoherently yours,
Chad A. (RTQLIT@prodigy.net)

Rare Says:
First, yeh we konw tahnxxx!!1!!1 Second, Twelve Tales: Conker 64 (Conker's Quest having been consigned to the arse end of obscurity) should hopefully bear a marked difference to both the titles mentioned, though we are aiming for an element of mischief to liven it up. Were the Perfect Dark teasers obscure enough for you? Third, tahnxxx!!1!!1 Fourth, alright then. Oh, you're just kidding? Alright, we won't. Make your mind up. Fifth, yeh we konw tahnxxx!!1!!1 Sixth and seventh, I've no idea what you're talking about (wink, nudge).

I like your site's tongue-in-cheek humor. But that line on the Main
Menu about implausibly-endowed women posturing in the gallery...come on. Of course real women look like Orchid or Kim Wu. I see lots of them, all the time. Really. I do believe you've spent too much time making cuddly games like Diddy Kong Racing and Banjo-Kazooie, thus suffering loss of perception orreality. Animals on two legs and wearing clothes, indeed! The Killer Ladiesare much, much more realistic and....

Rare Says:
Going to have to stop you there, old boy. You're on the verge of dissing Pipsy, and obviously we can't be having any of that. Besides, you're clearly off your head.

You clever Scribes you!

Sabrewulf was named after your old Spectrum game! The Klobb was named after Ken Lobb. The RCP-90 was named after the Reality Co-Processor which runs at 90 megahurtz. The AC -10 award was named after the old RPG armor code. My question? Please tell me more useless crossovers. Wait, that's more of a request.
Ed "The Legend" Price; the--legend@juno.com

Rare Says:
You again? You young rascal. There, look - we've named one of the lead characters in Jet Force Gemini after part of your email address. How's that for customer satisfaction? And the Automatic Shotgun in GoldenEye was named after Arnold Utomatic-Shotgun, a long-serving member of the Rare canteen staff. I can't think of any more.