Scribes: July 24, 1998

Dear Scribes,

I'm an American and I noticed recently that you can find restaurants with just about any ethnic theme these days. But I'm having trouble locating my local British take-out. Perhaps you could make a section on your website that features the favorite recipes of the Rare staff. You could call it "Rosika Magnifica". If you don't do this I'll never speak to you again.
Anomal5@aol.com

Rare Says:

Doesn't sound particularly British, though, does it? Something like 'Pie, Chips and a Fag' would be nearer the mark. Which is possibly why the British takeaway idea never caught on.




Dear Scribes,

Excellent Site, Good Work...

Ok here are some questions and statements I want to get off my chest (as well as the hairs):

1. Mr Pants looks a bit 'too' much like Hitler in a nappy, you're not German by any chance are you?

2. Being a Brit I get pretty ape crazy at those Jap companies giving me conversions with huge borders and 17.5% slowdown, then when they do give us a decent conversion it takes them about 2 years to do it. I thank you for giving us such good conversions (perfect conversions in fact) but with the newer games using more of the machine's power does that mean even your games will start getting bordered?

3. Does PAL Banjo-Kazooie run fullspeed fullscreen and when is it coming out?

4. What is it with Rare and fluffy animals? You lot must have pretty twisted minds.

5. I've got $500 so can I have the Perfect Dark ROM pleaseeeeeeeeeee?

6. WHY NOT???!!???
Ed Welsby (tyrant.ed@virgin.net)

Rare Says:

1. What, you mean he's got a 'tache? So Mario looks like Hitler in dungarees, does he?

2. We're not going to intentionally let that happen, no. We'll just whip the programmers harder.

3. Yes, yes and the end of July.

4. Are we the ones comparing cartoon characters to fascist dictators here?

5. Yes, alright.

6. Hang on, I said yes. You don't want it after all? Sod you then.




G'day Bruces an' Sheelas,

I've just had a look at that there Perfect Dark game o' yours an' I was jus' wondering if Jo Dark is supposed to compete with Lara Croft over the hearts and hormones of all the hot-blooded young men out there. If that is one of your goals, do us all a favour, an' PLEASE try make Dark look a little more real then wot Croft is. See, Croft is just actually physically buggered up. Her tiny little knees would snap trying to carry the weight of her ENORMOUS breasts, her face looks as is she walked into a wall, and her hips are also HUGE. Seeing as how they actually modeled Croft after a real person, they must have rather abstract artists down at Core. So, if you could just assure us that Dark ain't gonna come out looking whacked like Croft, then... we'll know.

Also, how long are those job offers going to be available? See, I'm too young to apply now, so I just want to see if I still might have a chance of getting in when I'm all grown up? That's all for now.
Snaddon (snaddon@iafrica.com)

Rare Says:

The PD team have actually modelled Joanna Dark after a hideously bloated three-armed fish counter assistant at their local supermarket, which is ironic because she's turned out looking quite normal. Funny how irony works.

We've no plans to stop recruiting any time soon - what with the move to a bigger HQ coming up and our original staff target figure of 200-250 still quite a way off, there's plenty of room for new blood. Unless you're crap. We don't really take on crap people, as a rule.




Dear Scribes,

I have found evidence that you are a liar. On the opening page, it says that you are, and I quote, "as nice as a big fluffy sponge cake." Then in the latest installment of Scribes, you said you were, and I quote, "mean." Am I the only one who sees the inconsistencies here?? What's going on? Something had better be changed, or I will have to go around for the rest of my life thinking that everyone at Rare is a liar, which would probably just make me really depressed before I bought your games.
Jonathan Fomby

Rare Says:

Were you leaning on a lamppost at the corner of the street when you wrote this? Haha.

Anyway, there are at least two rational explanations for the apparent contradiction here. Either we're so scandalously mean that we constantly lie about how nice we are, or we're so stupendously nice that we pretend to be mean in order to bump up other peoples' opinion of themselves by comparison. Or! It might just be that I don't pay any attention to what I'm writing.




Dear Scribes,

Is it just me or are American kids getting really scary? I often read through N-Put (the letters section) on IGN64.Com and see letters going something as follows:

Dear N-Put,

Why do all N64 games suck? I mean, dudes, none are awesome, radical, gnarly (etc, etc, and hey, etc,) like they are on the PC and PlayStation! On those games you can rip people's heads off and drink the blood, while wrenching out their guts, using them as violin strings and playing the violin with a blunt saw instead of a bow! Games with that are really coooooool! A game without more blood than should be actually in all the people in the game just suxxxxx. It would be radical, cowabunga, extreme (ad infinitum.)

Now, although the annoying surf speak is worrying enough, what is their obsession with gore? It's very disturbing indeed! I have many video-games-playing friends, and while none of us are put off a game by violence, we do not crave it like the kids who write the kind of letters above do....

Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking America, after all, I'm half American myself (cowabunga dude... No! Stop it!) but it's just a rather bone chilling observation, isn't it?
Alex Duin (nduin@dircon.co.uk)

Rare Says:

My own personal experience (i.e. the traumatic slog through my mailbox every morning) suggests that this kind of thinking is far from limited to a single country. There are kids from all over the place, not just America, who want to see their screens dripping with offal at every possible opportunity. Yes, they are strange. Call us the doddering old granddads of the software world, but we can think of better ways to make a game worth playing than by poising buckets of pigs' blood over every doorway.




Rare lot,

You develop in partnership with N. It would seem that N. has a bias towards the Japanese and NTSC markets. Is this policy supported by you at RARE? How do you program games, PAL or NTSC version first?

Let's hear it lads, have you sold out or does the PAL market mean more to you. I won't go on about biting the hand that feeds you but if I'd know you lot would turn into a bunch of twisters then I never would have brought Sabre Wulf.
Pete (pwest@lucent.com)
Rare Says:

You're expecting us to say that there's no bias, aren't you? Well, check this out, pal: there's not. Unfortunately there's no Nintendo of Britain either, so what do you expect?

We certainly haven't forgotten that the UK's our home turf (why else would we bother putting in the extra time and effort to get our PAL conversions running full-screen and at full speed?), but the fact remains that NTSC is the nearest thing to a universal standard, and Rare would go straight down the plughole without passing Go if it tried to develop primarily for a PAL market. That's just the way it works in the big bad business world...




Dear Scribes,

I was not surprised to learn that you live in Warwickshire, that's where all the best programmers live. However, you wrote in "RARE TODAY" that you live miles from anywhere. Let me correct you on that. You live near the town of HINCKLEY which is the dreariest, most depressing, skank-ridden smeg-pit in the whole of England. Everyone there has scabs, smells and wears old clothes. It's so crap that when a fish and chip shop announced 20p off the price of large chips there was a 10 minute queue that went half way down the high street. No really, think about it, that's bad. All the women there have sexual diseases, and nobody comes out of the nightclubs alive. No wonder you spend so much time programming and web editing - there's nowhere to go. Oh, I forgot, there's always LEICESTER, as their tourist board once said "the throbbing pulse of the nation". My God, someone please put me down, I'm in too much pain....

Your favourite striker,
Alan Shearer, Royal Leamington Spa: the Georgian Khasi of Britain.

Rare Says:

And this mysterious 'pain' was the reason for your appalling World Cup performance, was it? I think not, sir. Can't disagree with you about Hinckley and Leicester, though. "Throbbing pulse of the nation"? "Throbbing pulse of the man slowly dying of some horrific wasting disease", more like. And even Tamworth and Nuneaton shine in relation to Hinckley. Well, perhaps not Nuneaton. Or Tamworth, really. Er...




Dear Scribes,

1. Question, WHO THE HELL IS MR PANTS. You see I only recently discovered the Rarewhere? website and after going over it once or twice I am a little
confused about this Mr Pants ordeal.

2. Do you plan to make any RPG's in the future? Don't give me that crap about Goldeneye having RPG-like scenarios 'cause that's bull.

3. Is it true most of Rare's games-making stuff goes on in a converted farmhouse?

4. How 'bout an erotic phone number section on your website HUH HUH?
From MR SOILED UNDERWARE.

Rare Says:

1. Mr. Pants is a character I 'produced' in about 30 seconds one day when it became obvious that none of our artists had the spare time to put together a new render of an existing Rare character for the Survey page. Since his international debut, many people have criticised Mr. Pants for being "crap" and
"badly-drawn". They are correct.

2. When did we say that GoldenEye was even remotely RPGish? You crazy damn foo'. New RPGs? Dunno, we might do.

3. Yup. Chickens 'n' all.

4. What, like "Squeeze your banana in Donkey Kong's face", that sort of thing?

Is Underware anything like Tupperware?




Mr. Editor:

After playing 007 many times over I have found something interesting. You may not have noticed this before so I'll make sure I explain this slowly and clearly. We all know that Bond has a lot to do with killing guards. However, several times in the game I find myself clutching my stomach with sheer joy as a guard keeps running into a closed door. Or, upon shooting a guard's close comrade he keep swatting at flies or scratching his bum. I suggest that later exploitations of this wonderful engine (maybe Perfect Dark?) that you give the guards the gift of hearing and normal sensory skills. I will miss watching guards strafe or roll into odd and sometimes confusing positions. Hopefully, I can move on and witness a game with guards who are disappointingly surreal. Then, and only then can we have closure on such an extraordinary game.

Regards,
Jacob Casey (Caseyvan@aol.com)

Rare Says:

You've completely lost me. But to cover my pathetic lack of comprehension, I'll print your letter and follow it up with a hilariously cutting response: Bum! Poo! Willy! There.




Dear Scribes

...or Tusk or whoever is actually stuck with the unenviable task of reading my (hopefully) semi-coherent ramblings,

Before you toss this letter thinking I'm some ungrateful lout who wants to continue the ceaseless tirade of criticism over a 'lack of realism' because computers and chairs and other seemingly harmless office items will (in your game) explode into a deadly fireball if provoked, I wish to assure you that my intent is entirely otherwise. I think the good people at Rare should be commended for exposing the facts about these potentially lethal fixtures of the modern business world. People have been in the dark about this issue for far too long, and it was about time that somebody had the guts to reveal the whole, horrible truth.

In all honesty, I will admit that I too, at first, viewed your claims about the hazards of these items as more than a little incredulous. But did I immediately send in a letter full of scathing criticism, question your sanity or cast aspersions on your ancestry? No. And that's because I--perhaps unlike other owners of Goldeneye 007--have never launched a high explosive rocket at a computer. I have never fired the entire magazine from a Russian assault rifle into a blue office chair. So if I don't know how they will react to this, who am I to criticize? I'm sure the game designers thoroughly researched this issue, so I should trust their findings.

But that isn't the only reason I have for believing in the fatal propensities of these office fixtures. I have heard frustrated people claim in anger that they were going to 'smash' or 'destroy' their computers. But whenever I see these people again, and ask them, they admit that they did not destroy their computers. I have never met nor heard of anyone who has destroyed their computer. The only logical conclusion that can be drawn from this it that whoever does destroy their computer, not possessing James Bond-like fortitude, is instantly killed in the resulting explosion, and thus cannot live to tell the tale.

The same argument could be extended to office chairs, except that I really never have met anyone who was particularly frustrated by one and expressed a desire to destroy it. But there is even more evidence on the chair front: last week, I happened to watch the '80s Hollywood action movie Die Hard. If you have seen the movie recently, you might recall (otherwise you will just have to trust me) that at one point, Bruce Willis uses the power cord from a monitor to strap some C4 to an office chair and sends the whole package down an elevator shaft to take out a couple of terrorists who are torturing the incompetent Los Angeles police force with a rocket launcher.

The resulting explosion is huge, with big flames and flying glass in the way that people from Hollywood particularly seem to enjoy. Now, my knowledge of military explosives being at best nonexistent, I feel I can safely criticize by saying that the size of the explosion seemed disproportionate to the meager amount of explosives he used. But then I realized that he had an office chair, and a monitor I believe, which should more than account for the size of the blast.

So in summation, I would like to tip my proverbial hat to the folks at Rare, who, even though they may not have broken the story on office fixtures, are keeping the word out there about how deadly they really are. And for those who still don't believe, strap some plastic explosives onto your chair or computer. But stand back--the explosion might be a little bigger than you think it should be.
Brian Polis (bcpolis@umr.edu)

Rare Says:

I can't believe you've spent so long reasoning this out. Nonetheless, your faith in the GoldenEye team's overall integrity is much appreciated. Er, thanks.

And as a side note, we accept no responsibility for the injuries sustained by anyone stupid enough to attempt detonation of electrical equipment and/or office furniture within their own homes following the findings of Mr. Polis' investigation. But we are prepared to laugh like drains if you send us a detailed account of any unfortunate combustion-related incidents.



Dear Scribes,

The Christopher Lambert reference is genius. If I'm not mistaken, this is specifically the line from Highlander where Conner (Lambert) is facing Juan Sanchez Villalobos Ramirez (Connery) in the film's 'Yoda/Luke' rehash. Something about:

"You cannot die, Macleod... Accept it."

"Heh heh heh... I hate you."

Of course, with Lambert, this actually may be any one of a countless number of simple titters used whenever the script calls for laughter.
Anon

Rare Says:

It's true. I was actually thinking of the film's climactic scene where Brenda interjects just as Connor's head is about to be removed by the Kurgan, prompting Connor to say "Heh heh heh... what kept you?" In retrospect, however, that may have been a "Heh heh" rather than a "Heh heh heh", so perhaps your example is ultimately the better one. I'll stop now.




Scribes,

Can't be ars.. er... bothered writing much and you probably can't be
bothered reading it.

Questions:

1) Is Perfect Dark the follow up to Goldeneye or are you going to make another Bond game AS WELL?

2) Is Banjo-Kazooie going to make it to the U.K before August????

3) Conker's Quest has been talked about since Mario (64) times, and looked an exciting prospect then (not that I'm into squirrels or anything like that), but everybody seems to have forgotten it? Have YOU?

4) Any chance you might make a realistic racing game (the first GOOD F1
game on the N64 maybe)?

5) Why are all the other companies so BAD at making games??????

6) Er..... got any questions I could ask you?

Much ta. Letter 2 long. By.
Hoofrid! (Hoofrid@aol.com)

Rare Says:

1) PD is a follow-up only in the sense that it's being developed by the GoldenEye team, and it runs on an improved version of the GoldenEye engine. No, we're not working on another Bond game. Pay more attention in class.

2) Just about. July 31st, as far as we know.

3) You must have some weird ideas about the process of game development if you think a whole team can just turn up for work one morning and spend the day milling around in confusion, having completely forgotten about the game they were working on.

4) Dunno. We might. Who's asking?

5) Oooh, you bitch.

6) What about "Why is Mr. Pants so crap?" That's always popular.




Good Day to you Scribes,

Being somewhat interested in Architecture, One was amazed at the plans for your new office. One likes them very much indeed and has a few questions, and suggestions for you. One has included them in your artist's impression bitmap attached for ease of reference. What? What?
Charlz, Prince of ...erm...Somewhere, I think.



Rare Says:

Amazing! You really do have a nose for architecture - you've picked out the most important features with unerring accuracy, m'lud. (And thanks for pointing out that they're bunkbeds before the outraged parents started writing in.)




And introducing...

SNIPPETS

If that crazy punk Mumbo even thinks about turning me into a washing machine again I swear I'll murder him.
Blue Bomber (blue_bomber@hotmail.com)

Rare Says:

He is crazy, isn't he? He's just the wackiest shaman there is.


Guess which Spice Girl I am.
Psycho Swordsman (psycho_swordsman@yahoo.com)

Rare Says:

Ugly Spice? Oh, sorry, did you want me to narrow it down to one?


CUT THE CRAP!!!!!!!! I'm tired of coming to this site and reading your lies to all the letters you get. If you are going to lie then make the lies funny and not boring.
David H. Gorman (dgorman@bellsouth.net)

Rare Says:

Sorry Mr. David H. sir. Won't do it again sir.


Hey um, why does Banjo have no fur on his hands feet and chest? I have never seen a bear with so little fur! Did you guys forget you were making a bear and thought you were creating a monkey?
Chris Graham (SiriusBM64@aol.com)
Rare Says:

He's a special Honey Bear! He's special! Leave him alone!


My grandmother tells me there is subliminal messages hidden in the alignment of cubicles in the Toilet Level of your so-called GoldenEye game. Her persistent squeaks whenever I "have a go" at this level are beginning to grate.
Mark Birchall

Rare Says:

Is she Pipsy the Mouse? She jus' be messin' witcho' head, man.


Banjo-Kazooie Is A Kazooie Tat Is Banjo :)
Russell White

Rare Says:

Stop it. Stop it right now.

Ask Uncle Tusk: July 7, 1998

Dear what's your name,

In Diddy Kong Racing there is a key in every level, Dino Domain, Sherbert Island, Dragonwood Forest (Eh? - Tusk) etc. Now there is one exception, or is there? My question (hopefully apparent) is, is there a key in Future Funland, and if so I think that I have seen the hole where it is supposed to be - just to the right of the starting line in Spaceport Alpha.

The information that I would be honored to have is what do I have to do to get the key in Spaceport Alpha so that I can access the key door in the open space in the lobby in Future Funland, and don't tell me it is not real because I know that it is just the kind of secret you phsychos would put in a game.
Robert Buttmunch

Uncle Tusk replies:
'Phsychos', are we? At least none of us share your unhygienic hole fetish. Anyway, there's no Battle Track in Future Fun Land, as you'd have found out last time if you'd been paying attention - it was removed when the game structure was rearranged late in the day. So yes, there was a key in that little hole at one point, but not any more.




Hey Uncle Tusk,

I've got 3 neanderthalic questions for you....

1. How'd you get so buff? I mean, headchopping? Is that all? How many times a day and for how long?...I'm wondering cause I'm a guy, and my body looks closer to Kim Wu's than yours Unckie.

2. Can I call you Unckie?

3. Word on the street says that perhaps the next time we see you, you'll be sporting a polygonistic 3D look....in KI 3D?...maybe? Is this game under development? Confirm? Deny?

Finally, 4. You vs Conan the Barbarian (not the Destroyer)...who wins....and none of that asteroid shower/dino dinner stuff.....simply mano a mano.
Da Japo (JapetoX@aol.com)

Uncle Tusk replies:
1. Not just headchopping (though headchopping is a speciality - learned it from playing Barbarian on the Spectrum). I also wrestle sharks, have fist fights with panthers and rub lard into my pecs whenever possible. Auntie Gertie taught me that. Come to think of it, Auntie Gertie taught me all of those.

2. Oh, alright then. (Sound of big axe being sharpened.)

3. Deny. DENY. How many times, man? Anyway, who says I'd come back for KI3? I'd only get set up against yet another incarnation of that bloody skeleton.

4. Stop it. You're asking me to answer serious questions about fictional characters again. You people are sick.




Hey Tusk,
What's going on with Bumper in the character selection screen of DKR? Who does he think he is, Peewy Herman? I find it disgusting that he is performing indecent acts on a world-wide distributed video game. You need to knock him around a little - set him straight!
Eric

Uncle Tusk replies:
DKR's designer had no decent explanation to offer. "You're right," he admitted. "The badger probably does deserve a beating, the perverted scum."




Hey Tusk!

I have read somewhere that in DKC 3 it is possible to get 105%. I have 103% having found all the banana birds, beaten the Lost World, and found all the DK and Bonus Coins. What next?
Invader200 (Invader200@aol.com)

Uncle Tusk replies:
I posed this to a DKC3 designer, who was so sensitive to your needs that he went home and checked up on this without me having to threaten violence of any sort:

"Okay, switch the game on and select any one of the three save slots. Now press L,R,R,L,R,R,L,R,L,R. Once this is done, 'Enter Code' should appear. In the same fashion as entering your name, enter the code TUFST and you should hear Dixie cry. Now when you play the game, all the DK barrels have gone as well as the halfway mark Star Barrels. If you can finish the game and find everything as in a 103% game, it will add a bonus 2% to your score and you can see the secret ending and rating!

"If TUFST is too tough, try HARDR which only removes the DK barrels, but only allows you to get 104% - smart eh?"




Dear Tusk,

Why is it that in Killer Instinct Gold, you suck? Honestly, it took me hours to beat the game with you. Fulgore will frag you to pieces. Anyway, I noticed how your underpants is made of bear, could that bear be Banjo? Could you be trying to kill Banjo to get a clean pair of underpants?
Krunchy3D

Uncle Tusk replies:
I wouldn't bother wasting the thirty seconds it'd take me to beat that gurgling idiot to a pulp. My stylish matching loincloth and boot fringe set is actually made from several thousand shrew tails painstakingly stitched together: you see, Rare was going to make a game called Nibbles The Shrew at one point, and rather than let the company debase itself in such a fashion, I spent a few entertaining weeks wiping out the country's entire shrew population. You should thank me.




Uncle Tusk,

OK, in DKR, I cannot find the last silver coin on Frosty Village on Adventure Two (Mirror Mode). It's just not there! I found the ones on either side of the finish line, I found the ones on either side of the entrance to the foggy bit, I found the one hidden behind the slope going down to the houses, I found the one next to the houses, and I found another one somewhere (but I can't remember where). Are the DKR team just being really mean, or is it actually in there? Eh?
Alex Duin (nduin@dircon.co.uk)

Uncle Tusk replies:
Of course it's in there, you spanner. See if this helps:

"You really need to explore every bit of the level. Have you looked behind the giant trees in the foggy area? Have you checked in the tunnel behind the waterfall? Have you looked around the stone bridge and in front of all the houses?"




Dear Uncle Tusk,

Before I ask my important question, I would just like to take my hat off (if I had a hat) to you and everyone else over at Rare. Not only do you make the best games in the world; but you make the best web site. Your brilliance amazes me Uncle Tusk. Your response to the Facility cheat has helped me. I know that after finals I'll get that cheat. Any way, my question is how do I get the cheat in the Archives? I can do it in 1:33. What can cut down the time? Is there anyway I can get Mishkin to speed up his rambling? I hope this question gets answered. I have asked tons of sites and none have responded. If not, I may have to borrow my wussy friend's GameShark. That would be no fun. Thank you for hearing my qualms.
OutlawBri@webtv.net

Uncle Tusk replies:
The team's own notes on the matter say this:

"The key to success as you leave the interrogation room is to keep the noise down. Don't be tempted to go crazy with a KF7 or you'll just bring down more angry guards from upstairs. Make it quiet and clinical.

"Contrary to popular belief, the time target for the cheat is achievable as there is a very efficient route through the level. Don't get sidetracked in firefights and position Bond close to the safe when chatting with Mishkin."

There. Not quite a complete walkthrough, but it ought to be good enough for the likes of you, sunshine.




Dear Uncle Tusk,

In the DKR intro sequence, Bumper is shown flying through the lower path in the Fossil Canyon valley, while a cheerful looking yellow Tyrannosaurus Rex type dinosaur runs alongside on the upper path. Does said dinosaur actually appear in the game anywhere? At all? Or am I right in thinking that he's been cruelly left out of the real action? Poor thing, he must have been so disappointed...
Yellow T-Rex appreciation society

Uncle Tusk replies:
He looks so cheerful because he's about to have badger for dinner. Little did he know at this point that he'd end up being left out of the game because, as the designer puts it, "he looked crap".




Uncle Tusk,

Please tell me how to do Sabrewulf's ultra combo starter and his mini ultra combo starter!!!! The way the instuction book tells me doesn't work or do I have a defective copy? Mannnnn!!! Please help me out Uncle!!!!!! I've done and mastered everyone else's ultra combo and mini ultra combo but his just doesn't work!!!!!

Your sad dumb, nephew,
Kenneth

Uncle Tusk replies:
Your punctuation hurts. Just because I'm a barbarian doesn't mean I'm a savage.

The Rare testing department came back with this: "To perform the Ultra you must charge back then press forward with quick kick. To perform the mini Ultra you must charge forward and then press back and quick kick."

If it doesn't work, nobody cares anyway.




Hey Tusky,

I have gone through Goldeneye inside and out. I've gotten all the cheats and 007 mode, all that good stuff. There is only one thing that still bothers me. The multiplayer levels for 4 players. I mean, they're pathetic. How am I supposed to get by on the pathetic choice of arenas? Is there any possible way to open up those wonderful stages such as Archives, Caverns, and Egyptian for four players? If you say that there isn't then I'll just have to beat your head in with a telephone pole.

Sincerely,
Jason (Foofite@aol.com)
p.s. I wasn't joking about that telephone pole.

Uncle Tusk replies:
Please try it. I will be obliged to kick your face off. And no, you can't open any other multiplayer levels - read The Tepid Seat. Why not try a real life enactment in a deathmatch arena of your choice? You might get killed. That'd save me a walk.




Hey Tusk.

I was looking at the IGN64.com cheat page for Banjo to see if I could get some help, and cheats. Almost every cheat tell me to go back to Banjo's house and look at Bottles' picture (by pressing up C and moving his head to look at it) and press R. I did that, and nothing happened. So I continued to play some more, and then I found the magic book. I got my first cheat code from him, so then I thought the picture thing might work, but it didn't. Could you tell me why Bottles won't talk to me and give me the hidden puzzle games when I look at his picture? Is there something I have to do first? Thank you.
Daniel Hurter

Uncle Tusk replies:
You have a name that inspires violence. That aside, you need to have lowered the water level in the Treasure Trove Cove sandcastle and won the jigsaw piece before you can use any codes in there. Then you just stand on the rug in Banjo's house and use the Up C first person view to focus on Bottles' picture. Easy. Stop being thick.




Tusk,

I'm fighting editor for the 64 Source web site, and I need to express my concern. I'm going to be blunt. The Nintendo 64 has crap for fighting games! KI Gold is the only thing with even a hint of quality and it's nothing compared to the original Killer Instinct. Killer Instinct 3 is coming. Whether you guys want to admit it or not, we all know that it will be here sooner or later. So, I just thought I would give you my two cents on what I felt should be included.

First you guys need to bring back the three characters that were MIA in KI Gold. Namely Chief Thunder, Cinder and Riptor. Secondly, either go back to the original graphics engine, or improve upon it. I wasn't a big fan of the graphics in KI2/Gold. Third, please exterminate the rock, paper, scissor counter system. My fellow gaming friends and I noticed that after we became skilled at KI Gold, our matches consisted of steady blocking until someone made a mistake, then it went right back to blocking. Last, and most important, it MUST be at the 1999 Electronic Entertainment Expo, and you must have a tournament. Even if it's a media only tournament (I had best get an invite). I consider myself a skilled KI player and would love to go head to head against one of you Rare experts. Just as I'm sure my associate editor, Ed McGlothlin would feel quite pleasured to play GoldenEye against you guys. Thanks for listening guys!
Bryan Dawson (drdogg@fiestanet.com)
Uncle Tusk replies:
Cinder's dead, Riptor's dead and Thunder's buggered off home. In addition to that, the KI series is not as overwhelmingly popular as it once was, and even if KI3 was being planned, the split between those fans who want a 2D/3D game, the KI1/KI2 combo engine back, old characters/all-new characters in etc. etc. would mean that whatever combination of elements were chosen, there'd still be people complaining from all corners that the fans had been betrayed again. Wouldn't you rather just remember it as it was? No? Right, come here. I'm going to rip your ears off.


[Missing image: diddywheel.gif]

Dear Uncle Tusk:

Can you fly? I can fly and it's fun. Also, are you going to be in any more games other than KI2? Also why does Diddy have no bellybutton in Donkey Kong Country yet in Donkey Kong Country 2 he has one? Was he born in an egg in the first game? Is this the same Diddy? Why does he show his belly and bellybutton so much? Why is his bellybutton so big? Does Diddy like his bellybutton and play with it? Can you send me any pix of him pressing it or ones that just show it? I can fly, did I say that yet? Well I can. YAY.
NIN-Ayanami

Uncle Tusk replies:
Diddy's bellybutton is a magic bellybutton, which appears as a warning in times of need. You see, during his adventures in DKC1 he was just having a laugh tagging along after DK, but by the time DKC2 swung around, Diddy had some important responsibilities on his hands and couldn't afford to fail. Hence the sudden appearance of his bellybutton, to remind him always of his burden. Here's a picture of the offending feature in all its glory, which I'm supplying in the hope that it'll put an end to your witless rambling.




Dear Uncle Tusk,

Okay, I wrote you earlier and said the times that were given at the very end credits of Diddy Kong Racing were near to impossible to beat. And after devoting myself completely for one ENTIRE day I finally managed to complete the task only to see... NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing happened. At all. Why did Rare even put those times at the end even the game? (sniff) So I threw Diddy Kong deep in my closet and vowed never to play the cruel, cruel game again. Why did you do this to me? But... I keep my head high and won't look back at the scence of mass immpossiblility that I overcame only in the end to be beaten and shattered of my hopes and dreams for the game that I once thought to be a great game. (sob)
- Massasoit

Uncle Tusk replies:
Bit of a misunderstanding here which I should probably apologise for, though unfortunately I'm not going to. The times in question were the best times that were set by the DKR team during development, and the only reward you'll get for beating them is a fleeting sense of superiority. What, that's not good enough? There's only so much room on a cart, you know. Watch your mouth, scab.

Even better times have been set since then by Rare and Nintendo testers, so maybe I'll post those at some point. Or maybe I won't.




Mr. Tusk.

I stayed up all night playing Diddy Kong. I finally got all 4 keys, got the T.T. Amulet, beat Wizpig, won all 4 trophy dashes, found Drumstick, and made it to Future Fun Land. And now I'm stumped -- I can't enter any of the Future Fun Land racetracks because I only have 38 balloons, and the first one requires 39. I'm baffled. Where do I find an extra balloon?
Tom Mott

Uncle Tusk replies:
The continually-hassled DKR designer says there shouldn't be a problem: "Try taking part in all of Taj's Challenges again, when you beat him, the grumpy git leaves the Golden Balloon behind for you to collect, you may have forgotten to pick it up (there are three of these). Also check you have found all the hidden balloons from the Overworld."

He meanders off into swearing and abuse at that point, so I've cut him short.




Howdy Tusk Dude:

First, how does it feel to have Fleetwood Mac write a song about you?

Second, how do I deal with the spider webs on the floors in Banjo-Kazooie?

Donkey Stains (that's German for 'thank you')
Bill Pence

P.S. My girlfriend thinks you have fab-o abs.

Uncle Tusk replies:
I thought the song was pretty good, especially that line that went "He kicks off peoples' faces / When they ask him stupid questions". As for the webs, just do what you'd do if faced with a similar situation in real life - turn around and shoot eggs out of your arse.




OK, Mr. Tusky,

I'm not gonna ask how to get into the so called "Banjo-Tooie" in Banjo-Kazooie. Why? Because I know you won't tell me. What I am going to ask is when is Rare going to release how you get into it? A month? How long? Um, by the way, Banjo-Kazooie is the best game in the history of the world. See I just can't stand only playing part of it. I'd rather take this matter up with my "pal" Mumbo Jumbo, but since you're the only one listening, I'm asking you. Thanks.
Chad (Paranoid77@aol.com)

Uncle Tusk replies:
This is a pretty typical example of the hideous amount of mail I've had on the subject. Basically you'll have to wait until Banjo-Tooie (the sequel) arrives before you can exploit those hidden secrets. Hah. Read the FAQ for more info and stop pestering me.




Hey Uncle Tusk!

Call me crazy but I still say Blast Corps is the best game you guys have ever made! Anyway, you know how if you drive (or fly) far enough away from the main area in a level, you'll run into an invisible wall, right? Well, I was romping through Mars the other day, when I caught some sweet air off of the back center ramp. I was just goofin' off, so I let the Backlash fly straight into the invisible wall, but when I did, I was teleported back to the starting point in the level! Also, a voice came in that said "Are you unaware of something?" Was this some kind of glitch? I thought maybe that originally, the programmer intended this as a way to keep the Backlash from driving off into the wild blue yonder, but then someone forgot to take it out when the invisible walls were put into the game. Am I right?
Mr. Graves (graves@sccoast.net)

P.S. Since I've been playing BC for over a year, I'd like to know how my best times stack up against the people who made the game. Maybe sometime you could post you guys' and gals' best times on your Web Site, if it's not too much trouble (and you're not frightened that I might beat you!)

Uncle Tusk replies:
He's saying "Are you runnin' away or something?" - he does that when you start faffing about and heading away from the danger zone for no apparent reason. And yes, it is a cunning device to stop people messing about and trying to sneak through the invisible walls to lock the game up. Like you. You scum.

There was a list of the best Rare times around here a while back, but it's probably been eaten by the company hellhounds since then. I'll check it out.




Dear Uncle Tusk,

The people at Hammerdale Veterinarian Hospital are still waiting for you to come pick up your cat, "Sniffles". It has been 14 and a half years and you owe us a sum of $4291.03. If you do not pay the sum in the next 24 hours your cat will be sent to the county dump in a green garbage bag.

Happily,
Dave Rosante
Uncle Tusk replies:
Unbelievable. The things I've tried to get rid of that cat. Little bugger's been squashed by buses, locked in washing machines, digested by dogs, you name it.... He's 27 years old now, you realise. I don't want him back - he plays hell with the upholstery. That's why I wanted to get rid of him in the first place. Terrible mucus problem. Anyone else want to look after the snotty little get?