Tuesday, March 30, 1999

Scribes: March 30, 1999

Dear Scribes,

You know what? I think that England's and America's two versions of English are really funny. If an Englishman were to come to America, and say
"I am going to sit on my bum."
An American could interpret that as
"I'm going to sit on top of my lazy, homeless person."
Reversely, if an American came to England and said
"Let's go ride a horse."
Horse could be heard as Arse, and it would be
"Let's go ride an arse."
Then again, if an Englishman were to come to America and
talk to a tub of butter that they named "Tubby" and said
"Let's go watch the telly, Tubby."
An American would hear this as
"Hey, I'm a weirdo who likes to talk to butter,
and watch stupid repetitive kiddy shows."
Thus concludes my extensive study of the English language.

Rare Says:

You started well, then seemed to run out of genuine alternative meanings after the first one. Shame. Still, nice effort. Next time you can make an issue of how a Brit going to America and searching for his daily fix of chips would end up being force-fed packets of crisps, which you only seem to have in about three different flavours, I might add. And don't even get me started on Dipsy Doodles.

Dear Scallywags at Rare:

I'm sure you'll be happy to know that I've shelled out countless hard-earned dollars for just about all your games and am pleased with much of your work. Diddy Kong Racing still scares the bejesus out of me, but nevertheless, it still sits among my collection of Rare games. Let's face it though, Tiptup will never get his own game, mostly because he doesn't deserve it. Conker deserves it more than all those other dirty-arsed rapscallions you concocted (heheh...arse). Besides, I already know Conker's true identity: Mr. Nutz. Yup, Mister Conker Nutz. Do you think it's coincidence that there exists two acorn-slinging beady-eyed squirrels of video game yore? No, doesn't work like that. It is about time Mr. Conker Nutz breaks away from his drab 2D world to step into complete 3D bliss. And for that, I thank you, Rare.

However, I can't help but be disappointed by a certain mistake you overlooked in creating the exceptional piece of work that is GoldenEye. I know you know what I'm talking about, and I know the development team can't even sleep at night with the idea haunting them that they let their precious gem ship to retailers worldwide with such a fatal mistake. They sit in their little offices in Twycross hoping to the good Lord on high that no one would uncover such an incriminating example of negligence that could quite possibly stain their career forever. They live in fear, knowing someone might find out. They shudder everytime they think of that name: Max Zorin. Oh, if only they had taken the time to simply map his face into the game along with a nifty-looking suit or something. Quite possibly Bond's most debonair and malicious villain to date. Who could forget Max Zorin, the greedy multi-millionaire portrayed by Christopher Walken in A View to a Kill? I mean, at least you put in Mayday of the same movie, but she was a mean, ungrateful skank. Sure, maybe fitting in a mission where you get your beatdown on Zorin is too much to ask, but simply as a multiplayer character? Come on! Now I think you owe it to the public to immediately begin development on Zorin64.


Rare Says:

As you might have suspected from previous comments, the team's reasoning was this: "There wasn't a good enough photo of Christopher Walken that we could use, so even if we had gone ahead and tried you wouldn't have recognised him anyway."

With regard to the first part of your message - does this mean that Banjo's the same bear who appeared in the 15-year-old Spectrum game
Bear Bovver, because he can run around and climb ladders and stuff? And Rambi the rhino turned up in Donkey Kong Country direct from his exploits in Sabre Wulf? Is there some kind of sub-Noah's Ark thing going on in your head that only allows you to recognise a single representative of each species in the videogame world? Spooky thought - but in a not-really-very-spooky kind of way.

Dear Scribes,

Perfect Dark will have a cart size of______Megs. It will be released on the___________1999 and will contain roughly________weapons. The number of missions will be_______ and the game is currently_____% complete.
Now the only thing that you guys have to do is fill in the blanks, I'm sure that won't cause too much trouble.
The Woman from Unkle
Rare Says:

Perfect Dark will have a cart size of assorted Megs. It will be released on the B-side of 1999 and will contain roughly chafing weapons. The number of missions will be approximate and the game is currently over 3% complete.

You're right. That was no trouble at all.

Dear Scribes,

Quite obviously noone has got the subliminal messages implanted in the Tiptup character. Clearly you are agents of Twentieth Century Fox, obviously keen to promote The Simpsons, you thought and thought as to how to get a reference in without looking too obvious. Then the innocent looking Tiptup appeared on some piece of paper. Aha I know what we'll do. Several hours later and Tiptup had been converted for the dastardly plan. Now whenever people select Tiptup on the player select screen of DKR they will hear the tones of Barney (the drunk not the Dinosaur).

Why are people having trouble with the name of Banjo-Tooie? As soon as I saw it I thought oh that's err clever and then forgot about it. Perhaps because British papers have leaned me towards punnage.

Why would people assume that kids are rubbish at computer games? (Get the feeling I'm going through the current Scribes here?) I remember the hazy days of my youth, I was pretty good at games, I completed all the Dizzy games except Spellbound, far too long that one. (Actually on the subject you said Dizzy was far too obscure to be sold overseas, but hang on Blast Corps never existed before you made it, and therefore more obscure, think of another excuse quick... of course you could just mean it's such an obscurely British concept it wouldn't be appreciated by anyone else, but it's practically the only genre that British companies only do... in that only a British company has ever done it... err back to the subject perhaps.) And of course Gauntlet, Robocop, New Zealand Story, Bubble Bobble. The only game I didn't really get far in was Transmuter which was impossibly hard (except of coure Amsoft's BridgeIt which actually was impossible due to poor game design and control) but noone's heard of Transmuter, even then they hadn't so I can lie and say I completed it.

And anyone who's gone into an arcade and played on a fighting game only to be challenged by a kid in a fight and seen their own smug grin fade rapidly as they activate the super secret hidden character will testify that kids are way too good at games.

Mumbo Jumbo a woman? So I see when Grunty steps out of the big machine thing Mumbo's reaction well... there's nothing wrong with that sort of thing these days I guess. Just trying to educate the masses eh? Enlighten them further.

While we're on the subject of the machine in B-K why does the camera become controllable if you stand on the lever? There must be a reason, even if it's to annoy me.

Why don't more games characters have Welsh accents? There should be more. Joanna Dark should be Welsh. Then again as I'm from North Wales I don't have a Welsh accent so I shouldn't really complain. Think how much Turok 2 would be improved if Adon had a Welsh accent. The Dinosoids arre utterrrly rrruthless etc... oh fill in your own humorous quotes from the game, stupid thing making me backtrack through level four simply because I hadn't done any of the mission objectives, that's just mean.

It's quite easy for all that parallel universe nonsense to be sorted out through my theory that also encompasses time travel and how fast anything can ever go. But it'd take far too long to explain and everyone I tried to explain it to sort of looked confused and scrunched up their faces in an effort to understand. You see time and space are both quantative and as such the universe can be thought of as.. what? Oh OK I'll stop.

J. Edwards

Rare Says:

I remember
Transmuter. Was a bit on the tough side, wasn't it? Also moved like a half-dead snail, as I recall.

Sources in the know reckon that the Banjo camera thing "sounds like a bit of a balls-up". Let me know if you need that in layman's terms.

And I find it amusing that you claim to be from North Wales and have no accent, considering that even people in South Wales can barely understand their Northern neighbours. Still, despite the total absence of any glottal Swansea pronunciations in Perfect Dark, it's looking pretty damn fine in this year's E3 video... I strongly suggest you look forward to it.

Dear Scribes,

I was on Scribes! It only took you a month to respond and answer none of my questions. You guys kick arse. Anyway, though you didn't answer any of my Perfect Dark questions, you did touch on the subject of the reader who asked for TND. Well, that reader saw my letter and wrote back. Boy, was he p*ssed. And I don't mean drunk, though he very well could have been. He said something to the effect of: "F@@k you. You wouldn't know a video game if one crawled out of your @ss. You are a fat piece of monkey sh@t. Ya Homo i got two words for you "F@@K YOU" B@@ch C@ck Munch Tommorow neverDies Kicks ass Anyways, I wrote that because I feel they owe me the game". Minus the @'s everything else is right, I even recreated the grammar and spelling errors. Anyway, you know that this guy is going to kill me, so wouldn't it be fine to tell me a little about Perfect Dark? C'mon, I'll take the secret to my grave. Besides, Dark isn't coming out until November, right? I won't be around that long. Oh, be a gent and correct my spelling errors. I would check them myself, but I have that police protection thing to go to. Kidding, of course.

Rare Says:

I don't think you've got that much to worry about. To be honest, it looks as if this chirpy young chap only managed to copy your email address down correctly through some kind of once-in-a-lifetime fluke. And, you know, give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps we really do owe it to him - perhaps in some weird alternate dimension, we borrowed his copy of
Tomorrow Never Dies and sold it for the price of a lager shandy. Perhaps.

Dear Scribes,

Please don't give into to all those immature people who want you to put loads of blood in Perfect Dark. Computer blood always looks so ridiculous.

Take Turok 2 for example - You're making your way through some realistic-looking locations, with atmospheric sound effects in the background. You hear a sound and then a dinosaur pops out right in front of you. So far so good.

Then you shoot your gun. The first two shots seem to have no effect at all and then the third somehow manages to slice off the dinosaur's head as if it was a butcher's knife. Hmm. Then the 'blood' appears, except it looks like tomato sauce that has been pumped through a half-blocked hosepipe. Hmm. Then the dinosaur goes into an over the top stagger before he finally dies minutes later. The whole thing lasts as long as a Shakespeare death and is just as ridiculous.

However, Goldeneye's deaths, while still quite cartoony, weren't so unrealistic that they ruined the atmosphere and at times the way the people collapsed from head shots was quite disturbing.
If you must add more blood for Perfect Dark, just make the patches on the clothes darker or only have little splats where the bullet hits. Please don't go down the severed limbs path, however much you're forced.

Thank you for listening.
Iwan Lamble
PS. I looked for another good joke of yours to steal, but I couldn't find one.

Rare Says:

It's not so much the individual death scenes that make Shakespeare's tragedies so marvellously histrionic as the sheer number of people who keel over within the space of the last few pages. Always gives me a chuckle.

According to PD's designer: "There will be no violence at all. Instead, you will go around the levels giving gifts to children. Make sure you don't leave anyone out..." Oh no! It looks as if those people who complain about being forced to play as a female character were right after all, etc.

PS. I have the same problem myself.

Dear Rare,

I was wondering if you could arrange a date with Tooty for me. You see, I just broke up with my French girlfriend, and I need someone just as hairy to replace her. Also, Tooty's kinda cute, and I happen to have a "fondness" for bears.

T. Humphries

Rare Says:

Tragically, corporate politics dictate that I can't be seen putting the verbal boot into any individual, race or country without due cause - even the French. Which means I have to concentrate on the rest of your letter. But I really don't think I should.

Dear Scribes,

Hey I was just wondering, when you guys play a GoldenEye deathmatch game, do you guys do that extra character code and then choose your own characters to play with? Who the hell is B??? He's that ugly b*stard with the buck teeth isn't he?!? He's the guy I enjoy shooting in the face so much!! Bwahahahahahaha!!! That kicks ass!!! I mean arse. Oh yeah, and does Perfect Dark really have a co-op mode?
G*Doink Hippo

Rare Says:

"Sometimes we picked our own characters, yes. And sometimes we didn't. That's the trouble with having an active imagination."

So says El PD Squad. B is female and probably wants to hurt you right about now. And if you hang around for a few more letters, you'll see the 'conclusive' 'answer' to the PD co-op question...

Dear Scribes,

It's a known fact that monkeys fling their poop. But why haven't we seen, for example, Diddy Kong ever do this time honored tradition of ape-dom?

Think about it. In Donkey Kong 64, you're surrounded by Kremlings. You have no extra lives, and the nearest save point is in the last world. So what do you do? Fling your feces at those crocodiles! Yes, yes, how beautiful that would be! But what is keeping you from indulging in this giddy little thrill?

If you're worried about getting higher than an "E" rating from the ESRB, don't. In Banjo-Kazooie, Kazooie shot eggs out of her arse, and nobody complained. And feces flinging is a natural, beautiful fact of life. Why, you have the power to make 1999 the year of flinging your feces!

Rare Says:

You sound a bit too enthusiastic about this whole thing... anyway, it could be argued that Kazooie actually used her feet to flip eggs out of the backpack, whereas the sight of Diddy Kong blatantly rummaging around in his arse for ammunition wouldn't really be open to gentler interpretations. Still, maybe one day we'll be desperate enough to release
Donkey Kong Country XXX. Or maybe we won't.

Dear Scribes,

Don't worry, I'm not writing a nasty letter, because I feel no reason to. Instead, I'm writing about something very interesting I found in Banjo-Kazooie. In the world Mad Monster Mansion, get inside the cathedral, and go up to the organ. Find the little platform that the sheet music is on, and stand as far away from the sheet music as you can while still standing on the platform. Press C Up to look at the music. Look very carefully. The music on the organ is actually the music playing inside the cathedral! Well, only the first few bars of it, but it is absolutely perfectly in time and in tune with the real music! So, if you like the music, look at it, and hopefully you will be able to play it on your piano or keyboard or whatever. Maybe you should have a section based on all the tiny little hidden things in Banjo-Kazooie, like the picture of Berri near the bed in Rusty Bucket Bay, and the picture of what seems to be Evil Mumbo in the big house in Mad Monster Mansion.

Peter Escott

Rare Says:

Well, we've got the Rumour Mill, and there's a Tepid Seat in the pipeline. But because we're so damn nice, here's the designer with a momentous revelation to tide you over:

"There used to be a secret sub-game if you stared at Berri's picture for ten minutes. Berri came to life and jumped out of the picture. She then teamed up with Tooty, in a little gem we called
Frooty Tooty and Merri Berri in Tiptupland, where the tipsy scantily-clad bear and chipmunk had to fend off the amorous advances of the lecherous Tiptup and his macintosh-clad cronies. It was really good but we forgot to include it in the final version..."

Dear Scribes,

I e-mailed you not long ago, and asked if you were available for Goldeneye deathmatch. Oops, my mistake - actually meant to ask if you're available IN Goldeneye deathmatch, as one of those characters brought up when the 'Rare Staff' cheat is entered. (All we need to know is your first name...)

Anyway, you replied 'No, but I'd kick your arse at Chaos on the Spectrum.' Being as how you used to be 'Ultimate' and all, maybe you could see your way to making the following games:

Dizzy 64: This would use an N64 port of the DKC engine and would contain a brand new game as well as all the old ones. Of course, it'd be updated to take advantage of the Rare characters instead of old Spectrum ones. Even though it is, as you said 'An obscure British franchise', the Oddworld series are flip-screen platformers and they're popular. (Sadly, Nintendo probably won't let you do this because of the whole 'Game Genie' affair with Codemasters a few years back.)

Back to Skool 64: This would use the Goldeneye engine, but replacing the guns with water pistols and so on. The scientist polygons would be replaced with school uniforms and they'd all run away when you sprayed them. Oh, and you could have the ability to name the characters, just like in the original. You could replace the meeting with 006 with a cloakroom fight scenario...come to think of it you'd hardly have to do anything to the game, except rebadge it.

Tiptup 64: Well, this would - no, wait. That's just stupid.

Anyway, maybe if you shift some of the team away from Perfect Dark (It doesn't really NEED a multiplayer, does it?) and put them onto these games you've got two blockbusters to fill the gaming 'summer lull'. Or maybe not.

I'm all out of ideas now, so let the sarcasm commence...

Chris Allcock

Rare Says:

What are you insinuating? No, I didn't get my mug in GoldenEye - but you never know, I might pop up in PD if my elaborate kidnap scheme and subsequent demands prove successful.

Dizzy 64 ideas make it sound uncannily like DK64. That's alright then, we're doing that one. A Bak To Skool update would certainly be a welcome addition to the N64's library for old farts like us, but that'd be a job for the original creators, and seeing as they haven't gotten around to it already I can only suspect that they crashed and burned in the mire of 8-bit software obscurity. Tsk.

Dear Scribes,

"Who'd buy a Mario game today if all his previous outings had been pants?"

Is that a typo or some British thing? I didn't get that at all.

Anyway, I was travelling through time (either that or passed out drunk, I don't really care) and about a year or so into the future I saw a a game on the shelves titled, verbatim, Joanna Dark and Her Crazy Alien Friends. Whew. I wasn't crazy about the title Perfect Dark but the new title is crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. What are you thinking?! Get a hold of yourselves. That isn't going to sell. People will go to the stores with the express purpose of not buying your game. I'll say to my friend Bob "Hey Bob, you going to the store?"
"Yeah" he'll say.
"What are you going to do there?"
"I am going to not buy JDHCAF."
"Ah," I'll say. "Could you pick up some Jell-O?"
"No problem." He'll say.
Bob's a good friend like that.

Oh yeah, in the future, toilets don't have to flush, but they still make a "flush" sound when you press the handle.

Rare Says:

That's nice. I'll look forward to it. You may have more success in understanding the Mario question if you read the word 'pants' in its adjective form, i.e. 'slightly poor'. And the game you saw on the shelves must have been the launch title of our up-and-coming edutainment range, featuring prominent Rare characters caught up in wacky situations that can only be resolved through the use of accurate grammar and long division. Hours of fun!

Dear Scribes,

I've been robbed! You've gotta help me! PLEEEEEEZE Help a poor repressed sap fighting only for the well being of cattle farmers everywhere! Look, here's what happened:

That lovely chap Tusk over at "Ask Uncle Tusk!" was so kind as to give me a BRAND NEW, CRISP DOLLAR BILL under the condition that I use it to "get help." I wasn't sure what he meant by that, but I thought, "Who better to help the needy Rare gamer than those wunnerful blokes over at Scribes?" And so I started to make my way over here when this crazy, unshaven, and ill-mannered TURTLE with a damn wild look in his eyes jumps out of a dark alley toting a huge AR33 Assault Rifle! He said he'd blow my brains out if I didn't give him my dollar! Now, being in RareWhere, what I thought to be FRIENDLY territory, I had left my trusty kattle prod at home! I was defenseless! I complied with the loony and ran here as fast as I could! He could be anywhere by now, with MY DOLLAR! TUSK GAVE IT TO ME! You gotta do something! Call out the Battletoads! Release the monkeys! JUST GET ME MY DOLLAR BACK! *sob*
The enigmatic KOWKILLER

Rare Says:

That's your mistake, you see. Assuming that all's sweetness and light in the bouncy fields of Rare country, where it's common knowledge that terrifying entities like Conker and Timber are on the prowl. Think yourself lucky it was only Tiptup this time, and that he let you escape with the last shreds of your sanity intact.

Good day Mate (Scribes),

The other day I was drinking my tea with scones, and I had the urge to go to the discotheque. Darn! The lift was out of order, so I turned to the bloke next to me who was scratching his arse, and asked him where the stairs were. He said by the rubbish bin. Too bad it was 20 bloody floors up. I kept resting so much and sitting that my bum hurt. I gave up and got my magic transporter out of the boot of my car. Guess what was there a Jinjo. Well I think I have mocked you English enough, buh-bye.

Rare Says:

Dang! I'm just going to fetch some diapers and aluminum foil from the trunk of my Oldsmobile. (By the way, it's the Aussies who say "G'day mate" - the English say "Salutations, old bean".)

Hey Scribes,

I have a few questions (and who doesn't?)

1. How come on the main page when you list upcoming games you don't list Banjo Tooie? That is one of your upcoming games isn't it?

2. Could Banjo Tooie be one of your secret games you mention on the main page? And then you say it was one of the secret games when it wasn't and we were just building up false hope? You sadistic B*ST*RDS!!!!!!!!

3. What kind of a name is Loveday?

With false hope,
The Guy Formerly Known as Simono
P.S. That Tiptup The Communist picture is COOL.
P.P.S. Taj has a wobbly nose.
P.P.P.S. PLEASE release some Banjo Tooie and more Donkey Kong 64 screenshots/info!
P.P.P.P.S. I reckon you should call DK64 Donkey Kong World.
P.P.P.P.P.S. What does P.S. stand for anyway? Okay I'll go!

Rare Says:

1. Because I'm stupid. Yes, it is. I've fixed it now.
2. Er... no. Yes. I don't know. You've confused me. It's not a secret game, no. We've got at least two others on the go, and contrary to recent 'investigative reporting', that doesn't include any Game Boy plans we may have.

3. Ha! You're just jealous because you haven't got the same name as a nurse from low-quality Australian soap
The Young Doctors.

Dear Scribes,

So just to educate you on some of the greatest American slang there is, allow me to introduce you to the word "awesome". No no, this is not the regular old "awesome" you are used to (e.g. "The sight of the mothership was truly awesome") as in awe-inspiring or impressive. The way we use awesome over here is like we just have no idea what awe is. Either this word has totally lost its meaning in North America, or American people are moved to "profound and humbly fearful reverence" (thanks Webster) rather easily. For example, consider the following simulated interactions, keeping in mind the literal meaning of the word awesome.

"How do you like my haircut?" "Awesome."

"I got a B on that test." "Awesome."

"Baywatch is on." "Awesome."

Okay, so maybe that last one isn't that big a stretch.

Rare Says:

The slightly-too-common use of the word 'awesome' throughout the US isn't lost on us. Especially not when Ken Lobb's around. And I'm sure it speaks volumes about our comparative natures when the Americans stick with 'cool' and 'awesome' while we Brits generally prefer 'crap', 'pants' and 'arse'. Miserable? Cynical? Pessimistic? Don't ever doubt it.

Dear Scribes,

In reference to a letter in the March 1 1999 edition of Scribes:

Quark does not rhyme with bark, dark, ark, mark, park, lark or shark. The correct way to say it is kw-oar-k.

So ner ner ner ner ner ner.
A Mooing Cow

Rare Says:

Up your arse, Mooing Cow.

Dear Scribes,

Hello. I've written in before, but I won't complain about my letter not being posted, because I'm not American. Nor will I say the sacred 'a' word to get in your good graces. Instead, I shall compliment you immensely on your games, which you are, I notice, carefully distributing in a deliberately random pattern - or at least it SEEMS random. However, it seems to me, after countless minutes of thinking of a subject, that you're really distributing your games scattered across the decade in a way which will only help increase the popularity of your company by means of psychic suggestion. Yes, I'm on to you, you clever little Brits you - thinking that you were getting away with it. By the time DK64 (bold #1, I'm keeping track for you) arrives in stores, fetuses will be scrambling to escape the womb to play it. I'm personally impressed. I didn't think you had it in you. Of course, it could just be the fact that you make the best games in the world (and possibly on several other worlds, you never know) that makes you so dastardly popular. But that isn't as much fun to ponder, is it? On a personal note, if a 4 foot-high plywood snowman happens to appear mysteriously somewhere in the Rare offices, do send it back Canada-wards. Thankee.
Mike Martin

Rare Says:

Look, look - someone who refuses to say 'arse' but still gets printed. Never let it be said that I'm biased.

So what is it you're accusing us of, exactly? Blatantly failing to release all the games we have in development at exactly the same time? Erm... alright then. You've definitely got us there. Just as long as you don't catch on to the suspicious parallels between our release schedule and the alignment of the stars as we approach the turn of the millennium. Wouldn't want you to find out about our plans to reawaken ancient demons from the core of the planet to do our bidding.

Dear Scribes,

Finally, I have gotten time to write, in between my plans of world domination and such. After starring roles in Banjo-Kazooie and Diddy Kong Racing so long ago, I crave more. You dirty fools, you've forgotten all about me. It is time I made myself known to all of human kind. I shall pay a crispy, fresh, and warm dollar that I swiped off a poor, cow-loving sap for a glamorous starring role in the upcoming blockbuster, Perfect Dark. I wish to be Ms. Dark's boyfriend. After that, I want my own game. I shall be a macho Rambo-turtle and kill anyone that opposes me. Comply with my demands or you shall all be killed with my AR33 Assault Rifle. Or, a nuke that I've been storing. Fear my godly power. I am Tiptup, Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end.
Rare Says:

Get back in your shed, you stupid animal. Stop frightening the tourists.

Dear Scribes,

I am an Australian and l only just stumbled across Scribes the other day, and was to put it frankly, amazed by your infatuation with the word arse. How the hell did you get onto putting the word arse in nearly every letter you reply to? American writers are also weird crapping on about British slang when theirs is ridiculous. No my friends, if you want real slang then you have to come to Australia to get it, such as bloke, fella, mate, faggot (as opposed to the American "fag"), jumbuck, dodgey and fair dinkum. As well as this we have wonderful Australian ambassadors such as The Wiggles and Rolf Harris (who thankfully decided to go and play his wobble board in Britain permanently).

Now onto something a little less serious. My friends and I all loved Goldeneye, especially the multiplayer and all agree that Perfect Dark looks like a bloody good game. I have a few questions on multiplayer in
PD though-
1. Will there be a License to Kill type mode in the game as this rocked in Goldeneye.

2. How about putting in a mode where you can choose your own weapons at the start of the level, such as an explosive, a pistol and an automatic instead of walking around picking up weapons. This would mean that gamers could choose weapons to suit their style of play.

3. In two player co-op who is Joanna Dark's partner?
James Baum (and you can tell by the surname that my ancestors were not convicts or animals, so no cruddy jokes).
Rare Says:

Not even a cruddy "I feel better than James Baum" joke? Ah well. Here's the designer to comprehensively answer all your nagging PD queries.

"1. No worries. 2. No worries. 3. Big sigh... I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a co-op mode in Perfect Dark at this juncture. If anyone with this question would like to come to Rare and ask this question in person I'll be only too happy to beat them unconscious in an unusually brutal way."

Blimey. I think that's enough PD questions for one month, eh kids?

Greetings and salutations,

A couple of points in response to other letters.

I noticed that Martin Badowski claimed that no game could ever reach the heights of Zelda. This is a controversial topic since everyone has their own preferences, but there is a concrete advantage that certain games, in particular 007, have over others. That is 4 PLAYER mode. I once owned a Super Nintendo, I had a multitap and games like Bomberman (which was 100 times better than the 64 version) and NBA Jam. I cannot begin to explain the fun I used to have with 3 friends. I actually won 2 Playstations a year or two ago in a competition, but I sold them in order to buy a 64 and four controllers. I did this for one simple reason: 64 has four controller slots built in. Obviously PSX would eventually come out with adaptors etc, but you yourselves can testify to the fact that it is a lot more enticing to develop 4-player games for 64 because people are much more likely to have four controllers. If you have Bond but not four controllers I recommend you go straight out and buy them now. Playing two player is entertaining for a little while, but it wears out. Just like playing against the computer. It's fun, but after a while, you start to wonder what the point is.

This is why I think, as I saw someone comment somewhere on this site, that there should be a game developed as a multiplayer game, maybe with single player added as an afterthought FOR ONCE. I know what your argument would be- you can't play by yourself. Well I say- I don't want to play Mario Kart or Bond by myself anymore anyway, but I still have heaps of fun playing with my friends. Imagine how good you could make a multiplayer game if development was solely focused on the multiplayer aspect. You guys said Bond multiplayer was only added as an afterthought and look how good that turned out! The developers claim it's hard to come up with original ideas, well here you go. I'm sure you will dismiss this idea, but I'd be interested in reasons why you think this is not feasible.

Secondly, you claim "noone remembers Macgyver"! How could anyone forget him? He would make helicopters from rags and bits of wood. And that penknife! It was used at least 5 times every episode. If there was a nuclear holocaust you'd want that guy around afterwards, he'd have the world back to normal in a couple of days.

Finally, just out of interest, do you write HTML as well as all text in the website, or do you just fill in the blanks?

Thanks for listening to my ideas, I hope you enjoyed the variation from "I know English slang. Arse" etc.
John Fletcher

Rare Says:

There's no doubt that multiplayer options increase the lifespan of just about any type of game, but it'll be interesting to see just how well those upcoming PC multiplayer-only games do when they're released. Of course, current console users don't have the option of online gaming to fall back on if they can't get any mates round their house, which makes multiplayer-only console games an unlikely prospect from the very start. Also, just because deathmatch wasn't originally the main focus of GoldenEye doesn't mean that the team put less effort into it, just as they're working hard to cram as much as possible into PD's version: having a prominent single-player mode isn't an excuse for chucking in any old manky multiplayer options.

I'm afraid the wonky HTML is my fault as well as the crap text. Sorry. But thanks for breaking up the endless slang debate that I seem to have unwittingly started.

Dear Scribes,

i read that you are busy finallising a license with the new forthcoming james bond film "the world will end tomorrow" which will be basically golden eye 2 but when i heard that it might not be released on the n64 i couldnt beleive it!! but on there next console that is the biggest joke i have ever heard as it wont be out for at least 2 years so ppppppllllllllleeeeeeaaaaassssseeeeeeee put it on the n64 with the memory expansion where you will have anothere hit.
Peter Glynn
Rare Says:

Sometimes, you know, just sometimes, you get one of those letters that would lose so much if the spelling and grammar were corrected...


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'm crazy!!! If Banjo-Tooie isn't released in the next two months I'll kill half the population of the planet.
Joaquim Mendes

Rare Says:

Videogames In 'Downfall Of Society' Shocker! Proof At Last!

I was wondering if there is any news on the next installment of the Cruis'n series?
Derek Holliday

Rare Says:

I hate to tell you this, but...

Great site, but could we please have some more Perfect Dar screen shots.
Billy Hanafi

Rare Says:

I'm afraid we're not doing a
Beastmaster game. (Obscure? Me?)

I just wanted to know if you had any .wav files of Mario saying "Ass me!".... for personal reasons... You really don't need to know

Rare Says:

I'm very proud to say that I don't know what you're on about.

Quick...is it Jet Force Gemin-EYE, or Jet Force Gemin-EE? My bro and I can't decide which sounds better. Oh, and how is Jet spelled? LOLOLOL...no, wait, that wasn't funny. Never mind, then.
An ashamed AOL user

Rare Says:

It's Jet Force Gem-EE-nee... no, you're right, it's not funny.

I'm asking - nay, begging - you to please make DK look really cool in Donkey Kong 64. He looks very gay in Mario Party.
Cornelious, the Corn Flakes rooster
Rare Says:

Why shouldn't he be happy? It's a party, after all.

I finally got the gore version of Word Perfect, but can you tell me why my Active Desktop always
crashes when I'm drunk?

Rare Says:

It's nothing to do with being drunk. That's just Windows.

I have a little friend in my PC. He's rude and smokes cheap cigars.
Nirpal Bhogal

Rare Says:

It's nothing to do with being drunk. That's just Windows. (!)

KILL SQUARESOFT!!!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rare Says:

Bit harsh, surely? Can't we just talk about it over a pint?

Thursday, March 4, 1999

Ask Uncle Tusk: March 4, 1999

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I have two (almost) intelligent questions about Jet Force Gemini so pleaseanswer them. First, you have three characters. How do they work together? On nintendo.com they said that they all took separate paths and met up in the end. Does that mean that to pass the game you have to use all the characters, with certain levels specific to a certain character. Or is there a separate quest for each character. Or do you get to choose which character you want for each level. Second, does JFG utilize the Expansion pak. It makes sense that it would because Nintendo would Rare to support their peripheral so they make more money. Thanks a lot for your time.

Deez Nutz

Uncle Tusk replies:
Yes, they all take separate paths then meet up - Nintendo weren't lying to you just for a laugh. That's generally my job. Each character is designated a series of levels to begin with, but once they've made it through and met up in the middle, they can all nip back to explore each others' routes and scout out new areas. The game's looking pretty swanky without the RAM expansion, so the lads don't know if they'll be needing it yet. As you'd know if you read the Tepid Seat, "Nutz". Get a proper name, you fool.

* * *

Dear Uncle Tusk,

We seem to have been implored, recently, to submit suggestions to Rare HQ. Well, when I say implored, I mean that I vaguely remember seeing a comment in N64 magazine, but that's imploring for ya. Can't get the staff, etc.

Anyway, it's simple:

Sort out your policy towards saved games!

Here's my problem. Well, here's my problem as far as you're concerned, anyway.

Diddy Kong Racing has a really nice saved game system. I can save games to the cartridge, and I can "upload/download" saved games to and from a controller pak. Nice. No, it *is* nice. Banjo Kazooie and Goldeneye have no such features, and it annoys the hell out of me. When I lend someone a cart, they play on my saved games, or overwrite them, or see my times in B-K and roundly take the p*ss afterwards. I'm sure you can see where this is going...

Any chance you can make Perfect Dark and Jet Force Gemini behave the same way as DKR? I ask because these controller paks are fairly cheap and if I end up having a 256Kb pak devoted to just my Perfect Dark games (or whatever) then I'm fine with that. Most of these controllers now come with a meg anyway, so it's easy to switch between banks of pages when neccessary. You see, you did it /so/ nicely with DKR and then "fluffed big time" on the more recent games (I can't work out what Blast Corps is doing yet, but that's because I simply haven't been arsed enough to examine the controller pak pages).

So, there you go then. No silly Tiptup gubbins, no annoying Goldeneye questions, no N64 arse stuff. Just a simple, straightforward request. Oh, and can I plug my Ultimate website - it has a groovy Ultimate/Rare blurb generator that folks might find amusing.



Well, off to drool some more over the JFG pictures. Looking forward to its release!

Rob Uttley

Uncle Tusk replies:
It's no good trying to be nice now - you're just all moan, moan, moan. Honestly, I don't know why we bother doing anything for you bunch of ungrateful wretches. Still, not only has GoldenEye's designer leapt to his game's defence, he's even come up with a neat solution to your problem:

"With the GoldenEye save system you could play on one folder, copy it to another so that you could lend it to your friends without fear of them ruining your game, and they could start new games on the remaining two folders if they wanted. Moreover, no extra purchase was necessary to save your game. Either you are constantly being embarrassed by your friends who are better players than you, or you lack the authority you need to get them to treat your cart with respect. The solution is clear. Beat your friends with a stick. If they are better players, go for the hands."

* * *

Yo Tusky,

I think that Link (from Zelda, but you know that, you and the rest of you crazy Rare people spend waayyyyy too much time in Nintendo's arse) could kick your ***. I mean, with Biggoron's sword, he would kill you. And with the magic sword swipe, he could kill you in one blow. WHAT YOU GONNA DO NOW!?!?!?!? CRY TO MAYA?!!?!? WUSS MONKEY.

Uncle Tusk replies:
Kick my ***? What's that supposed to mean? Kick my pet? My wok? My egg? Not that it matters - I'm past the point of getting worked up over this sort of thing. If you're going to threaten me with violence, however vague, at least have the decency to do it yourself or attribute it to someone who exists, you sweaty pleb.

* * *

Ask Uncle Pants

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Seeing how you've been wearing that same loincloth since who knows when (well, you probably do), I decided to give you a little change in clothing with the attached picture.

Oh, and am I cocky?

Uncle Tusk replies:

That's not a change - that's just a removal of the outer layer. I always get my underwear from the Mr. Pants range. How else could I reasonably expect to participate in the world of cutting-edge pant fashion?

* * *

Hello there,

I recently purchased Donkey Kong Land 3 for my sister. She loves it but cannot figure out how to save her game. Before she gives up, can you give us some advice?

Uncle Tusk replies:
"But... but... it's obvious," said the designer in bewilderment. I told him nothing was obvious in the macabre world of Ask Uncle Tusk. Your game is saved automatically after every few levels when you visit one of the Save Caves that crop up in your path, and there's no more to it than that. Leave my sight.

* * *

Dear Uncle Tusk,

My wife, our friends and I thoroughly enjoyed destroying things in J-Bomb and in the dump truck. The problem is some have finished, while others have hit the wall of their abilities, and we want more!

We know you're all a little busy, but will there ever be a sequel to Blast Corps? We think this was the most underrated game ever.

...and how about a multi-player? Destroying other J-Bombs, or beating them for prizes would be fun too.
Brian White

Uncle Tusk replies:
We're not secretly working on a sequel behind your backs, if that's what you mean. No idea if there'll ever be a
BC2 - it's always possible, I suppose, though it's not as if we haven't already got enough franchises to mess about with...

* * *

Dear Unc Tusk:

So, how's your day been? No, I'm not here to pester you for more teasers of info on upcoming games. In fact, I'm here to praise you for it. I like all your unknown deadlines and secret projects that exist only behind barn doors. Who knows? Maybe tomorrow I'll find out that Perfect Dark is all ready to go and will be in stores in a week. Or maybe even Conker 64 (How's that game going? It's been overshadowed by the likes of Donkey Kong, Joanna, and the Jet Force gang). Or you'll release one of your superb secret titles in only a month, with that perfect finish on it. And by not releasing deadlines, you have time to make it perfect without people hounding your door, yelling, "WHY'S IT NOT DONE YET!!!" So go on! Tease your potential suitors with dribbles of info, leading them to your hotel room only to stand whimpering at a locked door. And when you do finally let them in, you strike a seductive pose and tell them they can only have the mint that was left on your pillow (because you're upstanding folk who wouldn't want to disturb the quiet gaming industry with news of a sordid affair). But that mint will be enough! Well, maybe some of that fruit from the complimentary fruit basket also. And some soap and a towel. And a autographed photo of TipTup. Yes, that'll do. Also, I've got a problem with the ending of Goldeneye, when you beat the Egyptian Temple (slight spoiler coming up for those who haven't made it). The Baron runs after Bond into the dark, and then all you see is Samedi standing there, laughing. I take this as a strong insinuation that Samedi bumps Bond off, which I know is impossible, but the fact is there. Anyways, what you should have done is have the Baron stand there, laughing, then you here a gunshot and the Baron falls forward, with Bond standing behind him, holding the Golden Gun out. Yeah, that would be cool. Keep up the good work! Oh, and make Jet Force Gemini a smacking good game.


Uncle Tusk replies:
No, we don't get that many people yelling "WHY'S IT NOT DONE YET!!!" - they generally go for the "WHY WON'T YOU TELL US WHEN IT'S COMING OUT!!!" angle. Bless their little souls (sound of industrial axe sharpener operating in background).

And GoldenEye's designer would like to take issue with your Samedi-bashing: "I take it you haven't watched
Live And Let Die, or you would know that the whole idea about Baron Samedi is that he does not stay dead. He is a Voodoo god. He is a master of death, which should make you wonder about his relationship to Bond; maybe he let Bond go alive from the Temple with such a powerful gun because he knows Bond will kill a lot more (bad) people, which would serve the Baron very well."

* * *

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I am curious as to why Rare doesn't have its own magazine. An official magazine builds up hype, and I'm sure it would sell like wildfire here in the US of A. Just look at what NP does for Nintendo! Regardless of the fact that this would contradict Rare's inherent policy of not telling their relentless fans anything, let me assure you Rare would not regret such an endeavor. Reviews, walkthroughs, and--heaven forbid--previews of Rare's games, straight from Rare, would be front page material in the gaming population. If there really is a sensible reason behind Rare's lack of a mag (aside from the usual spite and omniscient dominance factor), please tell your faithful fans who hang on your every word why not. And please don't flame me, because I am not an authority in the gaming publication area, and I freely admit that.

A thousand apologies for disgracing your computer with my presence, and my humblest thanks for reading my query in its entirety.

An inferior American B-K fan (or so I would have you think),

P.S. I think you are just playing with that guy's mind in his letter about how he "figured out" Banjo-Kazooie, when you said that some of his ideas were true. Obviously, some of his theories are correct. After all, he listed that there was an egg in Gobi's Valley and Freezeezy Peak, which is indisputably correct. In fact, the rest of it could be loony gibberish, and the designers are just teasing their indignant fans who think they've got it all figured out. How cruel and unusual! Nevertheless, I will complete this letter without the usual empty threats of your Snippet suppliers, and patiently await Banjo-Tooie.

Uncle Tusk replies:
I think you'll find that Nintendo have a slightly wider choice of games to hype than Rare does. There are plenty of reasons why developers don't have their own magazines, and the fact that they'd need to have about 20 games in progress to be able to fill a single decent-sized issue is probably one of them. As is the range of magazines already out there poised to shower hype on new N64 stuff. Not much point trying to do it ourselves. Spite and omniscience? Rare? Nah, that's just me.

* * *

Dear Uncle Tusk,

How in god's name do you get the Invisibility cheat on Goldeneye 007. I have been trying for ages and the nearest I have come to the dreaded 1:20 is 4:13. I have got the cheat for Invincibility so I am not crap at the game. This is my last hope.
Sean (Bond) Williamson

Uncle Tusk replies:
You'll find an excerpt from the team's notes on the Archives cheat in the July 7 edition. You'd better go and have a look quickly because no amount of insisting that you're not crap will change the fact that 4:13 is, in fact, seriously crap.

* * *

Dear Uncle Tusk,

This message is from a N64 beginner!!! We got Banjo-Kazooie for Christmas, and have played it constantly ever since. My only question at the moment is how do we reach the witch switch in Rusty Bucket Bay? It's driving us crazy!!! We need to know where the jigsaw piece is, so we can finish the last puzzle. HELP!!!!!
New Addicts

Uncle Tusk replies:
You must be completely... hang on. The designer's response may be slightly more helpful.

"Simply climb up the rope on the rear crane and stand on top. Now perform the longest double jump you can possible manage and it should be just enough to get you across to said switch."

So there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to make it. Unless you're crap. Are you crap? You can't be as crap as Sean Williamson.

* * *

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I think you guys aren't as smart as you think you are. All the codes ryhme, for example: cheatanenergyBARtogetyouFAR. The shark says Cheese and CRACKERS which ryhmes with SNACKER. I think you put a code in Treasure Trove Cove to raise Sharkfood Island, like CHEAT SNACKER WILL RAISE FOR A CRACKER or something. Would you tell me if I'm on the right track? That was a stupid question, you greedy pirates!

Uncle Tusk replies:
Yes, it was a stupid question, and the fact that you realise this suggests that you know very well what the answer's going to be. By all means waste the rest of your natural life entering all sorts of stupid variations if it makes you feel better, though. Or you could spend a few years learning how to spell.

* * *

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I absolutely love the game Goldeneye. I'm undefeated in my last 100 games or so, but that's beside the point. (Oh, and I'm not trying to gloat here) I was playing the Depot level and I had invincibility and invisibility on, just to get a look at the level. Well, I looked at the graffiti and I saw names of some of the designers. Also, in the warehouses, on the crates, it says 4-A1, 4-C3, or 4-K2, all floors of the silo. And I also noticed some other stuff. On the crates, it says "Ckopo" whatever that means. (What does it mean anyway? Is it some British word?) Also, on the walls of the warehouse, it says either "CL>14.MAX" or "CWT. 12.6-df". Is this remnants from the programming? Are there any more easter eggs? Will I ever find out the truth?
P.S. Don't insult my name
P.P.S. Goldeneye is the best damn game ever
P.P.P.S. There will be no more post-scripts

Uncle Tusk replies:
"'Ckopo' is a word that uses Cyrillic script. No more clues. No, they are not programming remnants." That's straight from the designer. He doesn't know if there are any more surprises for you because he very fortunately does not know what goes on in your brain. He also suggests that "If you do ever find everything in GoldenEye, I suggest being hypnotised to forget ever playing it, so you can do it all again."

P.S. Your name's crap.

* * *

Dear Uncle Tusk,

No! N--NO! NOO!!! I am a-frownin' today and am quite sad I'll say. Why, exactly? Well, On my wondrous web page, I am known as 'Alex McChimpy' and my credentials are 'I completely beat Donkey Kong Country 1, 2, AND 3!' Well, little did I know that I was posting...a lie!! It turns out I never knew about the secret ending when ya' get 105% of which you spoke. Well, lucky me, I spent a few days beating DK3 ALL OVER AGAIN with TUFST. And what did I find.....? Well...??? Nothin' I typed TUFST in every time I played and still ended up with 103%!!!! Now I know a non-Rare guy like me made some mistake. What I wanna know is...what happens when you DO get 105%??? I completely beat the game twice, I kinda think I deserve to at least KNOW what I'm missing!

Uncle Tusk replies:
The designer says "I'm not telling you, because it's too good." He also points out that if you want to get the extra 2% upon completion, you've got to start a brand new game with TUFST in a previously empty/erased save slot - you'll know if the code's working because there'll be no halfway or DK barrels. And you only need to enter the code when you first start the game, not every time you play. So go on, go back and do it all again, you dunce. Har har har.

* * *

Dear Uncle Tusk,

In Killer Instinct II, Jago had a move (known as the "ghost" or "spirit" move) which would take off part of your life which you would then get back as a "ghost" after your 2nd life bar was depleted.

Did any of the other characters have moves like this (I swear I might have done it once with Spinal) and did any of these moves make it into the KI Gold translation (I can't even get Jago's to work).

Ey Wuz Hear

Uncle Tusk replies:
You may well have 'done it' once with Spinal, you depraved swine, but you certainly wouldn't have squeezed any kind of Spirit move out of him. It's a Jago-only thing - only a big wuss like him would bother with that sort of rubbish, and he wasn't even given the chance in KI Gold. Serves him right, I say.

* * *

Ey Up Uncle Tusky!!

It's not so much a cry for help but a query.

My mate keeps saying that he's played on Goldeneye 2 and I don't know whether there even is a Goldeneye 2 or he's played on it pllleeasee solve my question so at least I know and he can laugh at me or I can laugh at him!

Uncle Tusk replies:
Now, you've obviously explored at least some of this site in order to stumble across this page. Think back. Do you recall seeing a single mention of
GoldenEye 2 at any point along the way? In fact, do you recall seeing a single mention of GoldenEye 2 on any site at all, ever? Are you getting the message? Or do I have to use a sockful of pebbles to beat it into you?

* * *

Dear Uncle Tusk,

First of all, I simply have to commend you (through a mouthful of cookies n' cream) on the sheer quality of this site. I can't recall a game designer/publisher's site that was just this great. You really give the gamers what they want. Great job! OK I really do have a question, two or three if I can think of that many while I'm writing:

1. Did you ever plan to give Pocket Tales a GB Color palette, or were you just too far into development at the time of the hardware's release?

2. I remember when news of Rare's defection from Nintendo to solo-publishing was all the rave; It was sometimes assumed that Rare did this to be able to design games for Sony's PSX. Are there or were there ever plans to make a game for the CD-based system, and if not, any input on why the N64 is favored to develop on? (Sometimes I just think the PSX has been around waaaay too long.)

3. Can I clean your toilets for money, or at least a chance to see the Rare pad from the inside?

4. Where can I find nude pictures of Dixie Kong? ;>

5. When my lot of game-playing Japanese culture-obsessed friends get together, we like to have fun playing what we call "RPG Mode" in Goldeneye multiplayer. Basically we play the role of the character we select in the environment we select, sorta like a Goldeneye Dungeons & Dragons session. For example, if one player is a guard, well, he does guard stuff and questions/shoots at suspicious characters, while taking orders from his superiors. We have a blast with this, but it can be limited because of the small multiplayer environments with little variation in them (Not enough "props" ;>) and the number of players (Or at least characters to interact with). Do you know if future Rare multiplayer games will make crazy stuff like this more fun? On the subject of player number, I'm not saying you have to develop an 8-player adapter, but NPCs that you can interact with in multiplayer mode would be awesome.

6. Can I have a dollar?

7. I haven't been able to locate the often talked-about chemistry set on an air duct in Goldeneye. Mind telling me where to look?

8. Last question, I promise. I've almost completed my cheat list, but there must be something I'm missing in Statue Park, because that's the last cheat I have to get. Y'see, I complete my objectives in the fastest way I know how, and I still seem to need 10 seconds shaved off my time. Any advice?

Well turns out I came up with more than 3 in the end. Hope you can get around to *maybe* replying, but I understand your busy chaos-ridden schedule. Guess I'll get back to spooning my ice cream outta the box. Bye!

Uncle Tusk replies:
1. I'll pretend you asked this question after we posted the colour screenshots, just to make you look stupid. 2. It's hardly a "defection", is it? We're still Nintendo-exclusive, and no, there were never any plans to develop for other formats. 3. The DKC3 designer wants me to make a crude joke about pads and toilets, but I'm above that sort of thing. 4. Make them yourself if you're that desperate (but don't forget to publicly flog yourself afterwards). 5. You need help. 6. Only if you spend it on help. 7. On an air duct. In the Facility. 8. Try belting straight through the level without stopping to kill anyone. It's against my nature to say that, but apparently it works.

* * *

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Do you people employ a widely used method of at-home game testers? That would be a very intelligent thing to do. I live in the States and love Rare games above many others and was talking to some friends that got beta versions of PC games. I realize that is different than cartridge games... but if you do employ at-home testers then how could I become one? (I really wouldn't expect a lot of money, the testing would be cool, and the little money I make could be used to gloat at my cool job.) Anyhoo, Thanks for answering my question, El Tusko.
Tom Ciovacco

Uncle Tusk replies:
Rare has a dedicated in-house testing department of long-time gamers, and so does Nintendo. You have no idea what a horrendous mistake it would be to start asking people at random if they wanted to become home testers - even the polar opposite of your "very intelligent" diagnosis couldn't begin to sum it up. In fact I'm tempted to come round and kick your face off for even entertaining the idea. Where is it "a widely used method", exactly?

* * *

Heyo Unkle Tusk MY MAN!!!

Just checking in to say hello and break you off a little advise!!

1) Once I beat Perfect Dark, I want to be able to beat the game as a different person, say, a MAN. You see, it's quite emasculating to have have to dress up in drag just to kick some butt.

2) Also, Joanna's such a pretty girl, why not give her a different pretty outfit for each level!!! (Not just that jumpsuit. It is SO 1987.)

3) When you come out with Tip-Tup 64, you should make it so Tip-Tup can retract into his shell by pressing the R button, as a kind of shield. He should say something witty like "see ya" or "maybe next time" or even, "Yoink." that's the kind of thing I like to see.

4) Also, PLEASE make a sequel to Blaster Master! I know you guys didn't make the first two, but Boy, what you could do with that title. How about some sort of piggy back set up so you could play Blaster Master in your favorite levels of other RARE games?


Uncle Tusk replies:
Why did I even bother printing this? Complete waste of time. Ah well, I suppose I'm here now, so I may as well set you straight. Your 'design' 'ideas' serve as a shining example of the kind of tosh I dread getting under the guise of constructive feedback (retract into his shell and say "Yoink"? What's the matter with you?) and your comments about PD and Joanna in particular only make me wonder why people refer to
me as a barbarian. Would you care to leave?

* * *

Greetings sir,

A question about Click Clock. I am having some difficulty getting onto the small leaves on the tree, thereby achieving summer-button-punchability status. Am I missing something? I can't believe you people would make something in the game so meaninglessly difficult, so there must be a way to shoot an egg at the leaf (bud?) to make it expand right? Or something?
P.S. I already freed Tooty and am now stuck on this leaf every time I turn on the deck. Am I just to wait until Conker comes out?
P.P.S. Can I be on The Conker Mailing List?

Uncle Tusk replies:
Duh. According to the designer: "The small leaves are deliberately small to stop players trying to jump on them. But obviously not small enough. Why not try and climb the spring tree in the conventional way, by using the lake path to get on the tree's circular base path, then up the carved-out slope in the trunk to the big branch, past the birds up to the hornet hive, etc, etc. Alternatively, you can consult the designer's original plans to help you get to the switch with ridiculous ease."

And he's provided a delightful little diagram for you, look. Worthy of an
Uncle Tusk Special, I reckon...

* * *

Hi there,

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......... Goldeneye is driving me crazy!! That damn game on 00 Agent mode is too hard. Is there anyway I can get to 007 mode other than playing them all? That wont take the fun out of it, it will put the fun into it! Because it's so embarrassing when people ask me if I have 007 mode. And it sounds so cool. Why did you make it so hard? That takes the fun out of it and brings the frustration into it!! And the drug abuse!!!! And the violence!!!

Thank you!

Uncle Tusk replies:
A parting shot from the designer: "I'm sorry to say that 007 difficulty level is only for people who are good enough at the game. Are you related to Sean Williamson, by any chance?"

Monday, March 1, 1999

Scribes: March 1, 1999

Dear Scribes,

OK, as many of us REALLY keen observers of Nintendo may know (from IGN64, damn them), Nintendo is currently in R&D for a new console, unofficially speaking of course. What I would like to know, Rare being Nintendo's golden child, are you guys privy to any of their backdoor dealings? ie. are Nintendo UNOFFICIALLY going up to you and UNOFFICIALLY saying stuff like, "Hey guys, let's say HYPOTHETICALLY speaking, we were to develop a new console. What would you guys HYPOTHETICALLY like to see in it? What would HYPOTHETICALLY help other developers make their games as flash as yours, and not so THEORETICALLY sh*tty theirs is all the time?"

Also, on a different note, my friend, Om, would like to know say, in light of your revelations concerning a reply to a question someone e-mailed in; quote-unquote "one or two more games we're working on":Let's hope that they're not more bloody 3D-platformers with some cute baby-faced ponce walking around some yay-coloured 3D 'world'! Let's have some blood-curdling, X-rated action. The 3 things that your next unnamed game needs is:

1) Blood

2) Incest

3) Cricket

Yep. You heard me right. Sex and cricket. Devious sex. Devious cricket. You could have Alec Stewart hit a four, then have a cutscene where some polygon guy (Enough! This is a family site. - Ed). Irrelevant, I know, but different, at least. Sex cutscenes don't take up much animation. Then you could incorporate shotguns somehow. I don't know how, but I'm working on it. And have some East 17 MIDIs. Well, that's what Om says.

But asking seriously for a sec, have you got any outlines or what-have-you for Nintendo's 'wet cement' console? I mean, it's not like you have to know the specs of Nintendo's Wet Cement. You know it's gonna be a monster that can process infinite loops while it cooks your mother. I betcha you guys are all thinking to yourselves, "Wow! We can now finally make that cute 3D platformer we've always been planning!" So basically, tell me, do you guys know anything about Nintendo's WC? (Don't make some dumb facetious comment on the functionality of some toilet in Nintendo's Japanese HQ. Yeah, you're funny.)
Joe F. Tangco

Rare Says:

Having never visited Nintendo's Japanese HQ, I can't - oh.

I personally know nothing about Nintendo's next console. Is that any good to you? If anyone here
does know anything, they're certainly not telling me about it, which suggests that the chances of them wanting highly classified information splattered all over the Net are fairly slim. So there goes that idea.

As for
Incest Cricket 64, we can't help feeling that another "bloody 3D platformer" would have the edge when it came to establishing a target audience. Call us old-fashioned...

Dear Scribes,

For one reason or another I stumbled on to your site the other day and was shocked out of my, uh, knickers. I don't know much English slang (besides arse of course) so don't mind my rather pathetic attempts at using it. I notice that you, um, blokes, are about as good with American slang as I am with the English, er, lot. C'mon, "tubular"? I thought only surfers used that one. And what the heck is "bodacious"? I have lived in America my whole life and I have never, ever, used that one.

Anyway, I wanted to respond to a letter you posted from one Benjemino. Despite Benji's REALLY poor "Americanisms" I think he has a point. I purchased Turok 2 and it was fun, but not nearly as entertaining as Goldeneye 007. You see, I liked Goldeneye more and I am an American, as are my friends who also prefered 007.

So, I mentioned Goldeneye. That must mean this letter will take another predictable twist...to Perfect Dark. I heard some weak rumors that PD wouldn't support a co-op mode, is that true? If those rumors are false then who, may I ask, is Ms. Dark's sidekick? Another rumor I heard had Dark as somewhat of a Lara Croft character. Say it ain't so. I like good looking women of course, but Croft seemed cheap.

One more thing, one of your Snippets had someone asking for a copy of TND. Oh, darn. I was going to write a couple of paragraphs to inform him you didn't make the game but I just noticed you wrote "...?". How do you come up with these awesome explanations. If it weren't for Peer's box art articles on IGN64, you would win the Pulitzer without a doubt.

Rare Says:

You're too kind. I do make a conscious effort to restrain my responses and let the Snippet authors wallow in their unholy limelight, because nothing I could ever say would be as funny/depressing/incriminating as some of the comments these people send in.

It's alright, I was being ironic with 'tubular' and 'bodacious' - think yourself lucky I didn't chuck 'cowabunga' in there as well...

PD's designer says: "I have no comment to make on co-operative mode, nor on whether or not she has a sidekick, and who he, she, it or they may be. Joanna's breasts are of course gigantic and she goes around the whole time in a thong, which changes colour every level."

Dear Scribles,

Is there possibly any cure for my ailments? How can I live with this world of worthless games?! Sure, a few are good (BK, DKR, G-EYE, Zelda64, Rouge Squadron, etc...) But what am I to do after I beat them after three days of owning them? Oh woe... What am I to do? Buy the players' guides just so I can find out that I already have ALL the secrets? Or simply kill the main character as many times as I can in three minutes (as I always do)? HELP I NEED A GAME THAT CAN NEVER BE BEATEN! I NEED SNUMPY CHUMPY! I NEED A TIP TUP GAME, AS LONG AS I CAN KILL HIM! I NEED A CHALLENGE (at a low cost please, I'm not made of money, you know)!!!!!

Sorry about the screaming, it's just the boredom.
Amanda Schroeder
Rare Says:

A game that can never be beaten? Don't want much, do you? Get yourself a rickety old console/computer and a shedload of cheapo games to go with it - that'll keep you occupied for far longer than a single N64 game, and probably for a similar price. Then buy Jet Force when it comes out. Obviously.

Dear Scribes,

Update Scribes now or I shall kidnap the squirrels that run in the big wheel that powers your building. Don't think I don't know where you got the idea for Conker. Also, who would win in these match-ups - Joanna Dark vs. Santa Claus, Banjo/Kazooie vs. Elton John, Diddy vs. a grape (a big one), and Conker vs. Elmer Fudd. Thank ye kindly, and may monkeys fly frequently from your arses (there's that word again. Bloody hell.). Bugger all, ballocks (just how do you spell that?), tea and crumpets, and Ni! Sorry, been watching too much Monty Python. I know all you Brits are like that, though. In the spirit of randomness (as if this wasn't already overflowing with it...), BOING!!!!

PhReaKy MoNKeY
P.S. - I assure you I am quite insane, if you hadn't already derived as much from the contents of this inane letter.

Rare Says:

Wow, you're mad, you are (yawn). Predictably enough, I reckon all our characters would win in the match-ups you suggest: in fact the only opponent who might pose a threat in ordinary circumstances is Elmer Fudd, seeing as he's got a gun, but when you're pitted against the otherworldly might of Conker such things fade into insignificance.

I'd like to tell you how to spell "ballocks" properly, but I doubt I could get away with it here.
Let's see: B*ll*cks! Thought not.

Dear Scribes,

I know this letter will be published because it is far more intellectual than what was shown in the last "Scribes". You mentioned that you wanted to know any interesting American slang. Well I'll break the news to you as softly as I can. We have no slang that could ever topple the word "arse". You see, we have only been around for 223 years. The Brits have existed since I don't know when. You have had more time to think about good slang words to include in your documentaries, as we have not. Our slang is so pathetic in fact, that I have begun to use "bloody" and "arse" in my everyday English (or is that American?). Sorry to disappoint you.

Sign Me,
Matt Carvalho
P.S. Keep up the great work. I'll be first to buy every of your games.

Rare Says:

Come on now, time's not much of an excuse - you don't see us prancing round dishing out swearwords in Middle English, do you? Are you sure there's not a world of weird and wonderful American slang out there that you've been subconsciously blocking off? I think you should make it your mission to find out...

Dear Scribes,

As I sit down to write to you once more, I now have a new mission. I now know Tiptup's own game is a lost cause, and the only time we will see him is in dinky supporting roles. Oh well. He's best suited for that anyway. But now the table turns to something else. On the main page of your website, you mention one or two games you're not allowed to talk about yet. And I was just visiting Tusk and he mentioned those couple games again. I'm not asking you to tell me what they are. Oh no, I respect your damn secret. But the hint department is always open, and your bloody morbid clues are always fun to decipher.

So, here's some questioning. Let's see what I can jab out of you:

1: Will the games have some relation to Donkey Kong, Banjo, or Conker?

2: Will the Goldeneye 007 team be rearing its ugly head in any of this?

3: Will any of these games feature a game genre that Rare hasn't poked
its arse into yet?

4: Will we be able to dress the characters in these games, like Barbie dolls, with us being the girlish game players we are?

As always, your cryptic clues are always appreciated.
Rare Says:

Your questions are easily answered by three Nos and a Yes, but not necessarily in that order. I realise that's not much of a 'cryptic clue' - more along the lines of plain old 'bugger all information' - but I'm too tired to try and be a smartarse. Also, I'm moderately disturbed by your Barbie fetish and would like to move onto the next letter as swiftly as possible.

Dear Scribes,

In DKR, when you beat a world, Taj says "I've got something special for you", but doesn't do anything, just stands there waving around his ARSE! I think he is gay!

And.... when you beat Taj in a challenge, he says "You have done well.....kiss my ARSE!"

I've heard rumors that Taj now rests in whispering Wizpig's psycho ward.
The all-powerful ARSE-LOVING Jerky

Rare Says:

Oh. So I shouldn't have rushed onto this letter after all, then. Still, two big capitalised arses and plenty of slander on harmless Rare characters, can't bring myself to delete it...

Dear Scribes,

This is long but good. Please answer all my questions, PLEASE!!!!!

I remember reading a magazine (that awful NMS) in England maybe four or five years ago (maybe longer) that had a rumour section. Anyway, the rumour was that Rare were making a Mario Kart style racing game for the SNES but using the same technology that was used in Donkey Kong and Killer Instinct. Now this never appeared, but it sounds a hell of a lot like Diddy Kong Racing. Was this the same game, but delayed, was it pushed to the new machine, or was the rumour simply a coincidence (which I don't believe). Does this mean that Diddy Kong was in development for even longer than Donkey
bloody Kong 64? If so, why was it so slow and jerky?

I have a couple of requests as well.

For god's sake don't release PD, JFG, BT or DK64 jerky. Slow down makes games so hard to play. A lot of the hard levels of Goldeneye are impossible. For god's sake cartridge is supposed to be almost instant, so why do I have to sit through tons of unskippable intro scenes when I start a game. BK is the worst. Also, is it supposed to ask me what language I want to select every time I turn the thing on. That has to be a bug right? How about some unskippable intros the first time you play, but after that there is only a menu screen every time you play.

And, why has Perfect Dark got the word DARK in it. Didn't you change the squirrel game because Conker/Conquer was too common. Technically, Conker and Conquer are different. DARKlight Conflict, DARK Reign, DARK Vengeance, DARKlands, DARK Sun, DARK Forces, DARK Earth, DARK Colony, DARK Seed, DARK no that's it (I had to look those up). Call it Perfect DIRK. It has a kind of anti-hip quality to it.
Rare Says:

This coming from a man called Morris. Nobody I've spoken to remembers this
Mario Kart rumour - in fact one of them described it as "a load of tat". Seems fairly safe to say that we never had it in development, then.

Intro scenes are all part of the presentation: I'm sure we'd get far more complaints if we didn't bother to include anything. Ditto for the choice of languages. And we do the best we can with frame rates - GoldenEye's done surprisingly well considering some of the levels are impossible, don't you think?

Greetings Space Cadet,

I find that I dance more like Nik Kershaw than Rick Astley, but hey, at least I'm not responsible for that fishy smell.

Just thought I'd send this message to say that JFG is looking rather splendid although I suppose I'm wasting my time asking when it will be released (I know, "It'll be ready when its ready"). At least I'm not going to waste your time by asking for the 100th time how to get access to the secret level on Goldeneye that is set in the Tip Tup universe. You know, the one where you get to drive about in a little car shaped like a tortoise shell with twin rocket launchers mounted on the front. Mind you, I'm still having trouble completing it within the strict time limit for the 'final' GoldenEye cheat. Any clues?

Seeing as how you never got the James Bond license, how about snapping up the rights to produce an A-Team themed game? Or better still, you could do a McGuyver one. Take control of Christian Dean Anderson, guiding him through perilous scenarios and building state of the art weapons out of meaningless old tat. Its not too late to change Perfect Dark is it?

Looks like you've got a fantastic '99 line up, so I won't waste anymore of your time and let you get back to doing what you do best (writing sarcastic replies to these letters).
Michael Knight (complete with 'big' hair and tight fitting denim)
PS: ARSE! Got to keep up these fine British traditions you know.

Rare Says:

Did Nik Kershaw dance? I'm afraid the overpowering memory of Rick Astley's smooth moves has done a bit of a
Johnny Mnemonic on that area of my brain.

Helluva Tough 64 would undoubtedly make a fine game, but I think the people responsible for the 'superb' Mr. T cartoon series should handle that one. Conversely, hardly anyone remembers McGuyver, and Knight Rider on the Spectrum more or less butchered the prospect of any future licensing. Tsk.
Prisoner: Cell Block 64, though, now there's a golden opportunity...

Dear Scribes,

How about a new Forum thread called "The unlikely game I can't stop playing but wouldn't admit it". My personal cart o' choice? Konami's Mahjong Master. I am addicted to it and feel it may be affecting my life, because I had a dream about it.

Cheers anyway,

Rare Says:

That's quite enough spine-chilling confession for everyone, I think. A whole Forum thread dedicated to it could spell the collapse of civilisation.

Hello Scribey ol' chep,

It's me again, Super Markio (from previous Scribes). I have here in my hands a big report stylee thing that we received when we wrote away to you. It is big colourful, full o' renders and chock full of piddly information. However, one page has a list of your up and coming games... Banjo Kazooie (must've been a while ago), Conker's Quest (still going by its old name) and RC PRO-AM 64...

Now hang on a minute. This is the only source I have seen with this information. Not even your site has this small gem in its collection of soon-to-be-sellers. I am very curious about it, is it one of those games you said you are working on but haven't told us about yet?

Thank you, and good day.
Super Markio

Rare Says:

Yes, it is an old publicity booklet - an old one, which we've long since run out of, let me just make that very clear before the whole world decides to write in. As for
Pro-Am 64, didn't the sight of Timber cruising over the logo in his plane tell you anything?

Dear Scriber,

Why don't you make a Donkey Kong Country game for Nintendo 64, I mean if you make one as good or better than Banjo-Kazooie you would add another great game to what you already have. If you make it have one so that you can play with 4 players. Have the first player be Donkey Kong, the second be Diddy Kong, the third be Dixie Kong, and the fourth be Kiddy Kong. If you make it you should make it as fun as Banjo-Kazooie.
Rod Durham

Rare Says:

That's a great idea. No, in fact that's two great ideas. Not only make a DKC game for the N64, but also make it fun. Thanks. We'll give them both serious consideration.

Dear Scribes,

I think that many people on your letters page have gone WAY overboard (which is what I'm about to do) on the subject of Tiptup. Some worship him as if he had an entire world on his back, like in The Colour of Magic, and some just beleive that he is simply a Small God. I think all you people with Tiptup- shaped bushes in your front lawns should look at him a DIFFERENT way!!! What if Tiptup was actually a Communist Dictator, looking to build a huge empire with the help of his humble servants (many fans)!!!??? Instead of being a lovable turtle, inside that shell, he's ready to kick Democracy right in the arse!!! Just think about it (all of you with Tiptup temples in your basement)!!!
Comrade Sebie
P.S. I have included a picture to help spark yee minds!

[Missing RPA: tiptup.gif "Tiptup the Communist, apparently"]

Rare Says:

You've probably got us on the FBI Most Wanted list with all this Communism rambling, you young rascal. Still, I'm sure there are far more damning images of an alternative Tiptup just waiting to be conjured up. What about Tiptup the Sitcom Actor? Tiptup the Politician? Tiptup the Game Show Host? The possibilities are endless (and endlessly disturbing).

Dear Scribes,

Firstly, the usual platitudes about how great you are, condensed into a load of keywords: Great, Goldeneye, loved, Perfect Dark, best. Now, my questions and comments. Please be gentle:

1) On the Aztec level in Goldeneye, when the camera pans round Bond he doesn't look like Pierce Brosnan. He looks, in fact, more like a strange Connery / Lazenby hybrid. Is this because the level is based on Moonraker (and wasn't it Roger Moore in Moonraker?) or is this just my eyesight going?

2) Do you have 'special' copies of your games to play at Rare, Goldeneye with all the deathmatch levels, for example. If so, can we have some pictures?

3) I know the box and manual are finished before the game is (which is why you can see the Spyder on the box of Goldeneye), but are there any other pictures available? I mean things like the All Bonds in mid-deathmatch, a blurry shot of the Citadel test level with someone's thumb in the way, that sort of thing? Can we see those too? Please?

4) What job do you, the Rarewhere editor, have besides updating the website? Are you available for Goldeneye deathmatch?

5) Who was responsible for writing the Moneypenny comments in Goldeneye? And do you ever risk letting them out?

Thanks for reading,
Chris Allcock

Rare Says:

1) Over to the designer: "It is Mr. Brosnan. Although putting in a Connery/Lazenby hybrid as a homage to Moore makes so much sense it is scary. Not."

2) & 3) Designer again: "We use the same versions you get in the shops. It goes without saying that if we did give you pictures (I presume you mean screenshots rather than photos of grey carts) you'd feel cheated by the similarity to your own pictures."

4) Internal website, internal monthly newsletter, instruction manuals, some in-game text and storylines, general Stuff. No, I'm crap at GoldenEye. I'll kick your arse at
Chaos on the Spectrum though.

5) Er, I think I did one of them. Sorry. The rest were down to the people who set up the levels (i.e. various team members), and they're safely locked away.

Dearest Snooky Wookums at Rare, (Just had to say that!)

I was looking over JWhit's editorial about "Kids sucking at video games." To tell you the truth, I don't know what the heck he's talking about. I've NEVER heard ANYONE say that kids suck at video games. I think that it's the experience, not the age, that people care about in a video gamer. I mean, I got the crap beaten out of me by a fourth grader in WCW/NWO Revenge on N64. If I were an "adult," I wouldn't be trying to make fun of kids who play video games, since if I did, they might just play me in DKR and whoop my arse. And here's another small argument: Why do you Brits always use such sophisticated phrases like "frightful" and "too clever by a half?" I could go on and on about how funny it is with the way that on American movies with British people on them, how they ask "Does anyone care for tea?" every 30 seconds and at the most ironic (am I sounding British?) times.
Pat Mundy

Rare Says:

Yes, it's true, the traditional Brit in a Hollywood film seems to have been signed up from another century. Tiffin and scones, Jeeves, what-ho. And that's if it's not the even greater indignity of an established and otherwise talented American A-list actor putting on the world's least convincing British accent...

Let's face it - people in general do assume that a younger player is by default a less skilled player, and that's not always fair. You've never heard
anyone say it? Do you live in Munchkin Land or something?

Dear Scribes,

Basically this is about Zelda. OK, I've bought it and it's amazing, but the thing is - will anyone in the world ever be able to make a game to match it apart from Nintendo? I loved Goldeneye, and for its time I would even say it's as good as Zelda, but if you think about it this way, even you guys who are relatively 'new' wouldn't be able to make a game like Zelda, simply because Nintendo have made very very successful Zelda games in the past and could use this legendary character in this legendary new game. A bit like a modern version of Mario. Well, my point is, that Rareware have no old time, legendary mascot. OK, so you've got Donkey Kong, Banjo-Kazooie and soon Jo Dark, but none of these characters will ever be as legendary as Mario or Link. Don't get me wrong I love your games and I think Rareware is amazing, but answer this; how can anyone (even Rareware) compete with Nintendo's games that not only are innovative and have amazingly clever and original puzzles, but contain super-star videogame characters which have attained their crowns by being around since the dawn of home video-gaming? Huh? Huh?

Thanks for answering my question.
Martin Badowsky

Rare Says:

Zelda wouldn't exactly lose every last shred of its charm if Link, Zelda and co. were replaced with new characters, would it? It's the standard of the game that counts. Obviously a recognised mascot or brand can help, but it's not the final word in a game's success: all characters have to start somewhere. Just look at the hype building up around Perfect Dark, and not a single character in that game has ever been seen before.

It's impossible to judge how successful and well-remembered Rare's characters will become in time. It only takes a visit to the Forums to get some idea of the impression left by Sabreman and Jetman, and they only appeared in a handful of games played by a tiny percentage of today's gaming population. It's all about quality. Who'd buy a Mario game today if all his previous outings had been pants?

Hey Scribes,

I would like to thank you for providing me with the key that unlocked my hidden potential. That key was Goldeneye, specifically death match mode. It was the final step in desensitizing me to all violence.

Killing my friends, siblings, and parents in Goldeneye is immensely enjoyable. Television and video games had begun the desensitizing years ago, but it was Rare's masterpiece that finally got me in touch with my base animal instincts.

My first move as the new me was to purchase a new video game, but I had no money. Borrowing an idea from Goldeneye, I planned to use my Game Boy as a stun gun, so I could rob someone. I put the plan into action, sneaking up behind my grandmother and repeatedly pressing the A button. This had no effect, so I switched to plan B, and bludgeon my grandma into unconsciousness with my Game Boy. This plan worked well.

So there I stood above my arch nemesis, fists raised high in victory. At last the purse would be mine. The spoils of this battle were many; including many pens, a coin purse, false teeth, and much hard candy. Surely the tale of my glorious victory will be written and passed down through the ages and songs will be sung in my honor.

I did buy a game and thoroughly enjoyed the violence contained within. Now whenever I am feeling down, I reminisce about the time that I vanquished the evil hag queen. The mere thought fills my chest with pride. And I owe it all to you.
Stuart The Conqueror
(I need a more imposing name other than Stuart. I find it strikes very little fear into the hearts of my enemies.)

Rare Says:

Tsk. I thought you were going to provide us with a first class bit of mindless controversy there, but the whole thing just degenerated into silliness. Give us something meaty! Something appallingly biased and sensationalist! That's the stuff.

Dear Scribes,

Perfect Ark anyone?

The year: 2023 BC. Noah, a doddery, bearded old man sets out in a storm aboard a large boat - codename 'Perfect Ark'. He is sucked ever deeper into the conspiracy that the world is flooding and that he must save two (no more) of every type of animal on the Earth. With a trail of guano leading him from ant to zebra, from honey bear to squirrel, Noah's mission slowly unfolds to reveal a conspiracy that God is just having a joke.

So, do you reckon it'll be a good basis for a game?

...hmm... thought not.. how about Perfect Lark about a gun-toting bird that gets up early in the morning to kill people?
Ant in Bath

Rare Says:

You shouldn't get me started on this sort of thing. What about:
Perfect Bark, a thrilling edutainment title based around the natural defences of the Douglas fir? Or Perfect Quark, an intense physics sim where you have to waggle your joystick to split the atom into smaller and smaller subdivisions? Or Pervert Dark, where... no, that's enough.

Right there....er, ARSE!

It seems that while everybody at Scribes has been slagging off the Americans, you have forgotten about the most slagged off citizens in the world...the Irish! Being of the Irish breed myself, I feel completely left out by your negligence. It seems too much fun to be left out. After all, it's not just the Americans that are thick, we the Irish DEMAND more slagging. After all, it's in our heritage to drink ourselves to death with paint stripper (after all our Guinness has ran out). I hope you will all join in a bit of banter and slag us off like there's no tomorrow (although there probably will be...a tomorrow that is). If you've watched Father Ted at all, then you will know just how thick we are ("oh, right Ted!"). Of course who could forget all those Paddy Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman jokes...ah! those were the days (ever notice how a Paddy American was never invented. Strange that).

Anyway, you finally reveal a DK64 screenshot, about time too. When can we expect another batch of delicitable screenshots? And will the Perfect Dark team take up any of the suggestions made by the readers of N64 Magazine (for some of them were rather good). Keep the good work up guys (especially in the PAL optimumisation department), and is there a release date for JFG yet?

Rare Says:

Thanks for the praise regarding the "optimumisation" (snigger) and "delicitable screenshots" (chortle). But no, I'm afraid we can't comply with your heartfelt request for a nationwide slagging. Company policy and all that. But I'm sure there are plenty of selfless Scribes readers out there who'd be happy to lend a hand if you ask nicely.

Dear Scribes,

In the February 11th edition of Scribes, you described Rubee as "a drunken yob who reeks of urine, and he's fired." Now, at the top of the page, sits Loggo, the dirtiest toilet ever seen in a video game. Are you saying that you prefer the smell of both urine and feces to the smell of just urine? You should be more cautious when you make personnel decisions, because I believe that Rubee could easily win a lawsuit against you in this case.

Thank you for your time.
A concerned citizen

Rare Says:

Whoops. You see, I get so preoccupied with trying to fit an entertainingly vulgar slice of abuse into a single line of text that I forget to check it over for trivial things like logic and relevance. Then again, it's not as if I said "Rubee reeks of urine, but Loggo carries with him the fresh scent of summer pine", so the judgement stands. He was fired because I got bored with him.

Dear cheery Rare types,

So, have you played Smash Brothers yet? I was just wondering if HAL asked you if they could put any of your...erm... Unique creations in? Seriously, don't you think that Banjo and his sarcastic red chum could kick arse (there! I said it!) much better than Jiggly-bleeding-Puff. (For those who care, the ubiquitous pink powder puff -insert joke here- Pok�mon is a secret fighter, if you can really call singing at people fighting). Then again, how 'bout Conker reprising his evil, I-am-the-spawn-of-Satan role as a final boss... Just think about the potential for evil-eye hypnotic moves... hmm...

As for your slightly disturbing obsession with Peer Schneider's arse, here's the next best (or worst, depending on your point of view) thing. Since I'm not the sort to go around taking snaps of German IGN employees' posteriors, you'll have to make do with a pic of Reinhardt Schneider from Castlevania's botty instead, enclosed as a tasteful JPEG. I'll have salt and vinegar, if the Rare crisp machine is willing.

[Missing image: reinhardt.jpg (Reinhardt Schneider being from the N64 Castlevania games) "Reinhardt Schneider's unnecessary arse"]

One last plea: Please, please, don't make Lupus turn into a tank that looks like it belongs in Noddy. Just take the enormous dog-head off of the front and let us have some good old Dominion Tank Police-style shenanigans. What's that? Shenanigans? I'll get my broom...
The Cussing Snake
PS - Diss the Puss? Never. I cuss the Puss bad.

Rare Says:

Don't cuss the Puss, man. You are the skank.

You're not really expecting me to go rashly awarding crisps to everyone who sends in a picture of any old Schneider's arse, are you? It's a decent effort, I'll grant you, but you'll have to work harder than that for your salt and vinegar Discos. Especially as the owner of the arse in question says he won't cough up the goods if that's all we're offering.

We got the opportunity to have a look at
Smash Bros.' polygonal DK in action before the game was released, but there was no involvement beyond that...

Hey jerks at Rare,

You named a swami-type-person-midget-thingy after OUR currency?? HYRULE'S CURRENCY??!?!! YOU SCREWY LITTLE MOBLINS!!! *takes a deep breath* A green rupee is worth about a "dollar", a blue one is worth 5 rupees, a red one is worth 20 rupees, a purple one's worth 50, and a gold one's 200 rupees! NOT MIDGETS, NOT $$$, NOT ARSES, R-U-P-E-E-S! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!!! *lets out a long, deep sigh*
P.S. What's a moblin, you ask? Here, I looked it up in Encyclopedia Hyrulia: Moblin(N) a pig-like giant that roams the Lost Woods.

Rare Says:

Yeah, but his name's Rubee. Never mind, eh?


Just wondering if there are any cheats out for Perfect Dark yet?
Paul Headland

Rare Says:

We're actually working on 'Exist Mode' at the moment.

A LIVING ACORN?!? This is the villain? And he pops out of a cake? Does he perform at bachelor parties? Does he shake his money maker to no end? What kind of undersexed pervert thought of this idea?

Rare Says:

What kind of pervert immediately links big acorns with sex?

Given that God is infinite, and that the universe is also infinite-- Would you like some toast?

Rare Says:

Now where did I leave that 14lb lump hammer...

Everything I know about England I learned from watching Dr. Who and Mary Poppins. Does this give me an accurate view of British society? P.S. Where does one acquire a tardis?
An Unsophisticated American
Rare Says:

We've all got private Tardises, thanks to King Dick Van Dyke.

Goldeneye is the best game ever done after Lucasarst Tie Fighters.
Nicolas Bastien

Rare Says:

Genuine typo or damning corporate indictment? You decide.

I'm not impressed with the screen shots of JFG. It looks like some big homo queer game!
David Edwards

Rare Says:

Er, alright then. I'm sure you know what you're talking about.

Instead of Banjo-Tooie, wouldn't it be MUCH simpler (and less confusing) if you guys just called it Banjo-Ka2ie or Banjo-KaTOOie, KaTWOie, and such..? Oh god please don't put me in a Snippet...
Goodness Glacius!!!

Rare Says:

Sorry. And no, it wouldn't. Some people can't grasp anything.

I looked up www.arse.com with a domain name owner search, and it turns up that it's owned by the "Anal Research Society of England". Coincidence?
Nicholas Killewald

Rare Says:

This could be a case for Mulllder and Scullllleeeeeee...

Are u guys ever going to make a GoldenEye 2 even though there wasn't a movie called GoldenEye 2. And add Oddjob and MayDay and a few extra levels.

Rare Says:

There was a
GoldenEye 2, but idiots weren't allowed in.

Why won't you answer my letters???!!! Aw shoot. Looks like I just made it into the Snippets once more. All you do is condemn me to be mocked in the Snippets section. I should just not send this.

Rare Says:

You're probably right. On both counts. Hahahahaha.