Monday, July 19, 1999
Careful! Industry secret. Anyway, who says it's Australian?
It has always struck me as strange that people have this concept of a "last cheat" in Goldeneye, because the way the cheats are laid out, there is obviously going to be a space there with any odd number of cheats. Ridiculous.
Yes, but now you're assuming people have common sense.
Someone (uh, me), somewhere (hmmm, my house) is designing Stocwaldd (pronounced Stock-vault) as we speak. And then there will be the sequel, Bohegkt (pronounced Joenz).
Amanda Marie Schroeder, a.k.a Kablooie, evil twin of Kazooie
Is that Bohegkt: Return to Stocwaldd? Fantastic.
Ricky Martin's teeth frighten me.
I can only assume you've never heard of Janet Street-Porter.
In the instruction booklet of banjo-kazooie it talks about mumbo needing his mask until gruntilda dies. in bt are you showing what mumbo will look like without his beard? i need to
...@aol.com. It had to be, really.
Now I know what you're up to. You've already completed Mr. Pants 64, but you are waiting to release it until you can sell it as part of a box set, along with its sequel, Mr. Pants 2: Proximity Arsebolts. Admit it.
Alright, I admit it. But it's for the Commodore 64!!! Great.
Can I have your job? It seems like fun deleting some peoples messages to you and making fun of others.
It is, it's great fun. Smelly.
All of a sudden, I noticed that Louis Armstrong was standing in the corner, playing Conker's Pocket Tales for Game Boy Color. Then, in the other corner, I noticed that Tom Jones was standing around in his tight pants, playing Goldeneye 007.
Cornelius, the Corn Flakes rooster
Didn't you see Elvis with his personal copy of Beta GoldenEye?
Will you make a game called "The Smelly French" or "The French Suck"? I'd buy it just to brag to my friends that Rare agrees with me.
Now you know we couldn't possibly (snigger) condone such a thing.
I don't know if you know this but Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants. So you may want to tell DK to put on some trousers.
Lack of pants is a bit more serious than lack of trousers...
DataDyne sounds like a robot eatery. Why don't you just call it the Robot Restaurant. I can just see it, Joanna has been sent to infiltrate the evil Robot Restaurant! Ohh, how exciting!!
Are you sure you don't mean 'excruciating'?
I've noticed that the only letters that get answered are short and dumb ones, so this letter is short and dumb.
Alastair Craig aka Slartibartfast
"So it's lucky I'm short and dumb" would have been funnier.
I wish you could go up Clanker's butt.
Who says he's got one? He's a magic whale, remember?
I'm an "American". I saw Austin Powers "2". Then I heard that "Shag" was a "Bad Word" over in "Great Britain". Is it?
Um. Depends on your definition of 'bad'. 'Ungentlemanly', maybe.
Why does Conker smile, wink, and give you a 'thumbs up' after his evening with Berri? I have a dirty suspicion, but don't tell me otherwise -- I like thinking that.
Obviously they're going hitchhiking, you disgusting boy.
Arse 2000. Just think, with NURBS or Bezier curves, you could make a perfectly round arse model. Let the games begin!
Amazing. Who could have pictured such advances 20 years ago?
You can tell Duncan Botwood to bloody cheer up a bit! - looks to me like all his migraines have come at once.
"Laughing Pixie" Botwood is crazily anti-photogenic, that's all.
Goldeneye was based on a movie... and Blast Corps was based on a navel wasn't it?
Ha ha. He said 'navel'. Ha ha ha. Let's all laugh at the typo.
Is farting as popular in Britain as it is in the States? Tell the truth.
Almost definitely more so.
I want to fill up all of Snippits by myself, so I will be sending all of the different crap that pops into my head directly to you. Great, now I'm going to cackle.
Alas, beaten to it by the other bearers of a headful of crap.
Oh hurrah the apocalypse is coming. Yes, the supposed final day of the earth and what am I doing writing to Scribes? Oh dear. Never mind eh... oh hang on if it's the last day on earth and I write this then it's unlikely anyone will be in the Rare offices just beside themselves with anticipation about new Scribes e-mails. Therefore noone will get it til after the end of the world and it won't even get on the site because the world will have ended. Damn.
Never mind I'll carry on, ignoring the stupidity of it all (it hasn't stopped me yet).
Clearly you didn't grow up in the latter half of the eighties (and in my school) otherwise you would be au fait with the use of 'State' in the children's English (like the Queen's English but more annoying). 'State' is a sort of statement of disbelief or a derogatory comment. Much like bollo... hmmm, bollards maybe. Variations are "State on it" when someone makes a stupid suggestion or there is a particular situation which is particularly sad. If somoene tells you a story you don't believe then you say in a prolonged way "Staaaaaaaaaaaaate". And so concludes today's lesson.
All that business with the multiple TVs for GoldenEye seems rather pointless. I mean it's a gameplay thing being able to see the other players. It means if you know the level well it'll give you an advantage. It allows for quicker fights rather than hours of wandering round in circles as I appear to do every death match in Quake I play. In PD you could pass off the ability to see other people's view points as saying you have telepatho-helmets. It allows you to see what others see in the situation of a fight for your life kind of thing. Oh go ask one of your plot writer people to make up some twaddle.
I saw a company who had a similar logo to PD but I've forgotten who now... so that's kind of pointless.
End of the world? State on it.
Oh no! Now I'm going to get indignant complaints for daring to open the Scribes column with a largely irrelevant letter, even though the rest of Scribes is always much the same. Tsk. Never mind.
"State on it" was probably quite widespread back in the misspent adolescence of our generation, come to think of it - as in "Look at the state on it". Can't say I ever heard it reduced to a simple "State" or, indeed, "Staaaaate" though. You live and learn, eh? But I suppose we'd better stop alienating 99% of the readers (at least for a while).
Telepatho-helmets, like it. Basically, of course, it's up to the individual how he/she likes to play GoldenEye deathmatch - obviously the split-screen method spawns certain tactics of its own, and that's the way most people are going to play it, but there's no crime in sorting out some kind of PC-a-like multiple screen setup and watching those delicate strategies fall to pieces...
I've found myself interested in programming, especially in the videogame industry. I looked around your site, and came across a recruitment page. Jobs available were shown there, and for the ones that required programming, you required C. Now, I am learning C++, which is obviously better than C. But Rare asks for an example of C source code. Thrown into this mix is Assembler, which I heard was getting to be cast out for C++ in most cases. My very easy question for you is what language would be the most beneficial for me to learn? Do you value C more than C++ or Assembler? As it takes a long time to become fluent in a programming language, I need to learn the right one from the start. Could you perhaps ask some of the programmers in the staff which one a budding young programmer should concentrate on? This is an easy question to answer, and it is a worthwhile question aside from the drizzling tat that you receive daily. Thanks for reading.
PS Love the site, and those smart-arse responses are the best you'll find anywhere. Keep it up!
Look - I got you an answer from the lead programmer of Perfect Dark. No expense spared, mate (he wanted all my dinner money, but I managed to bargain him down to half).
"C is the language that is most used at Rare at the moment. Assembler is useful (and will remain so) for getting the absolute max out of the hardware when you need to speed up heavily used bits of code. C++ is becoming more useful (and should continue to) because it is useful for organising higher level code and creating tools etc.
"So I'd recommend learning C and/or C++, but Assembler is definitely still useful and it's becoming harder to find good people fluent in it."
Hallo there editor at rareware dot com,
I recently saw a very nice movie called Notting Hill. Yes - with Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts - that one! In that movie they use the word "bugger" in a lot of situations. I simply want to know what it means and I just know that you are the right man to tell me. Being English and all...
The reason for me not understanding the word is that I'm from Sweden. Do not tell me to trust the translators in this country! They once translated "coke" into Cola when it should have been cocaine. -"He was doing time for selling Cola". Nice job!
Does the GameBoyCamera - thing in PD support long hair...?
Don't call me English. 'Bugger' in the sense it's used in Notting Hill is merely a mild all-encompassing expression of irritation... I can't see its other meaning cropping up much in your average family-friendly romantic comedy. That Notting Hill, though, eh? It was like watching The Muppet Show with the gobs on those two.
Dear you rocking daddios down at Scribes,
I must ask, how evil do you become when developing games? Do you ever say "Oh dear that level was frightfully difficult, I'd better tone down the level of skill needed in fear of making our beloved gaming public frustrated". Our do you say "Bwha ha ha ha ha! I shall [insert terrifically hard moment here] to make the people who buy our games to be cast into near purgatory! Now let my evil creation render! (Cue over the top laughter that I can't spell)". Methinks it's the second one (anyone would say its the second one after Grunty, DKR's silver coin challenges and cheating bosses who run off before go, and practically any level in Blast Corps).
The lack of the word Arse in this mail may have frightened you (it must begin with a capital letter!), so here is an Arse related thing:
[Missing RPA: arse64.jpg "Arse 64 (sigh)"]
That big green thing is Tiptup (of course! What else could it be?), releasing his evil army of sporks (is it more spoon or fork? One of the great mysteries of the universe there) on to the hero, Mr Pants. I've done the box and now it's up to you for the small matter of the game.
Mr Ed the talking horse
P.S I'm Henry the Eighth I am I am.
P.P.S I wonder how SirSlush2 will bring us closer to enlightenment today?
P.P.P.S Say boom, boom, boom, let me hear you say wayoo!
Did you have a bet on with someone about whether this would get printed? Are the standards of this page really such an international laughing stock? I suppose you're right. Never mind, eh?
We're not evil. We're all lovely. We just have to throw in a few, um, 'tricky' bits and pieces towards the end of a game to add replay value and give the seasoned veterans something to chew on. And we do it in as nice a way as possible, though occasionally we do slip: for instance, I bet you didn't know that up until the very last minute, Blast Corps' Diamond Sands actually featured the Ramdozer instead of Backlash. Now that was a moment of pure evil, I'll grant you.
Say boom boom boom, and let me hear you leave the room immediately.
I recently watched Live And Let Die. I noticed that Baron Samedi in the movie looks nothing like the Baron in GoldenEye (see picture). Why?
Even Though You'll Make Fun Of Me,
[Missing RPA: samedi.jpg "Baron Samedi: Alleged Artist's Impression"]
Nowt do to with me, pal. Let me just grab you a designer.
"The astute observer of said movie would have noticed that the Baron gets several costume changes throughout the film, with different face makeup to boot. Also, to look 'nothing like' Baron Samedi he would have had to be white. Pedantic, yes, but you brought it on yourself. Actually, are you sure you weren't looking at the Robbie Coltrane character?"
Greetings to you lucky Scribes in the Northern Hemisphere!
I have a couple questions.
1. Would there be a way to scan photos etc. using a scanner, use a program to transfer it to the appropriate format, transfer via dexdrive to controller pack, and upload to game in Perfect Dark? It would be a hell of a lot easier than to buy all of this extra stuff. I would love to scan my arse, upload it and play as an arse-faced Joanna Dark, or somehow make the other players arse-faced and shoot them dead! That would be cool!
2. In Banjo-Tooie, would you happen to learn a move to break off the sign on Sharkfood Island, which you use to smash through the glass in Wozza's Cave, to get the ice key, to open Gobi's Door, to reveal an amazing picture of someone's arse? Just wondering.
Couple of. A couple of questions. Anyway, while the designer's here, I may as well get him to answer these too...
"1. No. Buy a GameBoy Camera, you cheapskate.
"2. How would I know that? I work on Perfect Dark."
That's comedy, that is.
Let's look at this from my perspective for just one moment. I sit in my comfy chair reading the latest edition of Scribes and sipping hot cocoa. I come to an interesting letter in which the writer states something like "Yum! Delicious syrup!" for no apparent reason and totally out of context. These type of comments ellicit a response (in parentheses) of something to the effect of (Eh?- Ed) from, I'm guessing, Ed.
That response indicates that "Ed" doesn't understand that particular statement. I will now test that theory. I like to roll in the mud! (Alright, alright, hold on. Ahem. Here we go: Eh? - Ed) On to my next question.
Who is Ed? No, no, you're not Ed, you are Leigh. L-e-i-g-h. So who is Ed?
P.S. By the way, I happen to take offense at the comment of Slakmehl in which he blatantly advocated punching someone in the gut. Slakmehl - I'm calling you out!
'Ed' is 'Editor', as if you really didn't know. Tsk. Age-old publishing convention, or something. We do have a bloke called Ed working here, but taking into account his regional background, he'd be more likely to say (Strike a light, guv, do what? Apples and pears, gaw blimey missus, let's 'ave a knees-up round the old Joanna. - Ed)
I'm sorry J. Edwards, but I'm gonna have to stick to my guns here: "car park" is an unacceptable term for a parking lot. If a car park is a place where cars park, wouldn't that make a ballpark a place where balls park? "Car park" could be taken -- at best -- as a verb; as in "A car park is the action of parking a car," or "for his road test, he practiced the car park (specifically, the parallel park)."
Now I'll test the results of my "Game Name Theorem" research for bold letters: Car Park 64, Dhuefog, and Muddy Honeycarbon.
And I have to say that I can't wait to stick a remote mine to my friend's ugly mug (or arse) in PD. I can see it now: "Hey, buddy, that's a pretty nasty hemmorhoid you've got there! [BOOM!]" or "Damn, I can barely see with this mine stuck on my face! [While he is paralyzed with terror, I take aim at the aforementioned mine]." Oh, the possibilities!
Power_Made_Fleash@hotmail.com (formerly Akuma99999@aol.com)
P.S. What the hell is an arsebolt?
P.P.S. In accordance with your policy of freely distributing beta copies of upcoming games, I'd like to reserve my pre-release copy of Muddy Honeycarbon (a sure hit indeed).
P.P.P.S. What would Brian Boitano do?
You can argue all you like: 'car park' still sounds better than 'parking lot'. So ner.
No joy with the game names, either. I'd still go for Heresy Instance Rim, given the choice: it'd be a mech-based blaster set in a post-apocalyptic city where the commoners are forced to live crammed into narrow streets under the shadow of the city wall, far from the rulers who are gripped by a religion so fierce that they order all potential blasphemers hunted down and blown to pieces by massive ED-209-type robots. Do you see?
PS I never claimed to fully comprehend the depths of my psychic gift.
PPS Right - just give us a few centuries to get around to it.
PPPPS Well, quite.
To the JFG coffee-doubting Scribes:
I couldn't believe that there was actually JFG Coffee either; such an allegation blew my mind. I'm afraid, though, that proof exists in the 80s film Manhunter, the precursor (of sorts) to Silence of the Lambs. Near the middle of the film, there's a scene in a supermarket between the main character and his son, who resents his dad's reentry into the police biz. In the middle of this scene -- yup, you guessed it, JFG Coffee makes an unbridled, unexpected, but nonetheless quite conspicuous cameo in the background. I couldn't recall for awhile why this hitherto unknown product made such an impression on me, but luckily, my memory, always searching for the clues that bind the universe, recalled for me the issue of Scribes where the existence of this coffee was first mentioned. It exists, and there's your proof.
It's not a bad movie, either.
P.S. We Americans can't be dumb! Eddie Murphy loved our urban culture in Coming to America! That
P.P.S. 80s movies own your soul.
We'll take your word for it about the coffee. At least until the next time someone here sees the film and scathingly denounces these reckless claims. Meanwhile they'll all be busy soaking up Episode 1 in its first few weeks, because we're too backward over here to bother with when it comes to the timely distribution of box office blockbusters. I'll be off watching Slugs or Hellgate for the umpteenth time because, let's face it, they're much funnier.
On the front of a magazine I was reading the other day was a logo for Perfect Dark. It looked like a P and a d ripped out of the page. But my friend is convinced it was an N. We have had a long discussion about this (we were bored) so what is it. Please. Oh yeah, arse.
PS. If it is an "N", why.
The designer, he say: "You should really make an effort to do interesting things if this is the result of boredom. And infuriatingly, the answer is 'both'."
It's Pd, you see, but it's also designed to resemble an 'N' because if it didn't, the morphing effect from the N64 logo during the game's intro sequence would look a bit pants.
What sorta BULLS**T is X The Ball?
[Arcribes note: if you can't see that link, he's linked to Rare's page on their popular game, X The Ball. Unfortunately, none of the archived pages has an image of X the Ball. Rare's description:
X THE BALL
X The Ball from Rare Ltd. marks the spot where a classic formula merges with the very latest technology to create a unique and exciting arcade game... features state-of-the-art graphics and authentic football-crowd sounds to create a genuinely unrivalled sporting experience! Win prizes by using your skill and judgement to put an X where you think the football might be on actual digitised screens! ]
Like, for one thing, it's obvious it's not real. Let's get that much straight. Second of all, this is what truly scares me: why the hell did you make that picture of an arcade machine with that weird looking stick-figure standing next to it? God you have too much time on your hands. You think your readers are sad, take a look at yourself! Why don't you go and make yourself useful and play cricket for your country. God your country needs some real players. Not just cricket, actually.
Yet, I grant you, you make some of the finest musicians on earth, most notably, Robert Smith.
Joe F. Tangco
You see that Joe F. Tangco? He's a Cure fan, he is. He loves them. They're his girlfriends. He is them.
Don't know a lot about X The Ball beyond the obvious fact of it being some bizarre foray into the quiz machine market. Are you familiar with the great British institution of Spot The Ball? You know, drawing a cross where you think the football's been crudely airbrushed out of some manky old picture of a bunch of players in mid-air about to nut each other? Well, that's what it is. The stick man's a bit grim, mind.
In GoldenEye, I find it funny that you can simply walk right through solid metal grates. You don't even have to bend the bars, or anything. Just waltz right through. Well, believe me, it doesn't work! I have a big hole through my screen door now thanks to you idiots. Think about the logic in the games you make before you make them, for God's sake. The only person I've ever seen do that is Patrick Steward (I think that's the actor) in Terminator 2. But, even as the liquid Terminator, he didn't go through the prison cell bars, he melted around them. Even then, his gun got stuck.
You mean Patrick Stewart. Or you would, if you were talking about Patrick Stewart, which you're not, because you're talking about Robert Patrick. Pedantry's great, isn't it, kids?
Anyway, what's the problem? This is James Bond. He probably just kicks the grates out of the wall because he's so damn hard and everything (but not so discourteous as to leave them just lying around on the floor, which explains why they're back in place when you turn around).
Here are some questions which no doubt you'll read but probably not answer.
1. How many Rare workers does it take to make a game? (And it's not supposed to sound like a "light bulb" joke).
2. Aren't those Goldeneye time cheats wonderful. So frustrating, yet so pleasing. Will we see the likes of them in Perfect Dark?
3. Do you lot make such quality games because your knowledge of the Universe at large is so vast, or is it raw talent?
4. What is the probability of someone's letter being answered?
Um, I think that just about covers it. Thanks for answering.
Make your mind up whether or not I'm supposed to be answering you. Had me all flustered for a minute there.
Right, there's a PD question in amongst that lot somewhere - good enough justification for passing all of them over to the PD designer if you ask me...
"1. 'Just enough.'
"2. There is a chance that they may possibly be considered for something like that.
"3. Bad games aren't worth making. This we know.
1 + (AOL x (A1, A2... An) x P!) x (S1, S2... Sn)
Cs = Common SenseAOL = Aol user
L = LiteracyA = Instances of Abuse
R = RelevanceP! = Incorrect or Excessive Punctuation
Q(g) = Genuine QueryS = No. of identical submissions."
"You have worked out that none of it's actually real, haven't you? Please say yes. Look, Clanker's a magic robot. He belongs to a witch. He works in magic secret witchy ways. And Captain Blubber is a special one-of-a-kind dancing super-hippo that we discovered. Don't blame us for the quirks of nature."
What are you talking about? Clanker is a cyborg! CYBORG!!! Sigh, here's the definition of CYBORG!!!!
The Dictionary says: a bionic robot, human being, or mechanical whale with organs and tissue and/or brain mended with a metallic structure.
So you see, you were gravely mistaken by your definition of a "magic whale". Maybe you should hire a continuity or science editor or something for Rareware. It would do your heart good.
By the way, other cyborgs in history?
-Fulgore (wait, he was a robot... scratch that)
-The man who hosts Wheel of Fortune (no, you don't get that in Twycross, right?)
So Clanker is clearly a cyborg. Oh, and just to prevent any more confusion down the road with Banjo-Kazooie
character mis-interpetation; Klungo is both a mad scientist and a warlock; Chimpy is a monkey, not a chimp; and Mumbo Jumbo's species is in fact genuine poodle.
But did Clanker start life as a whale or a robot? Eh? Eh? And considering that you're wrong about both Fulgore and KAOS, why should we trust your wonky judgement, Slush-boy?
And another thing, you've just thrown Mr. Bean in there for purposes of international appeal, but it won't work because we all got sick of him after the first two or three episodes. Our version of Wheel of Fortune, on the other hand, may well be hosted by cyborgs... but not very good ones, because it's been through at least three of them so far and the design brief's showing no signs of improvement.
I am very distressed because I heard that Perfect Dark was going to have an "M" (as in Mature) ESRB rating. I was very surprised to hear this as Rareware (at least to my knowledge) has never done a game with a rating above "T." I loved GoldenEye and I am eagerly anticipating Perfect Dark, however if it was rated Mature I know that my parents would never allow me to purchase it. I know hundreds of other people for which this is the same situation. So please, tell me this isn't true and that Perfect Dark will have a "T" rating.
Designer! "I'm sorry, but I can't do that. Perfect Dark is expected to get a Mature rating."
Sorry about that. Fact is, though, it was never designed to be anything other than an adult game. So no doubt we're in for a flood of complaints from the other half of the gamesplaying public, i.e. the half that doesn't complain about the cute games... ho hum.
Dear Big Man Floating Above Twycross,
You stupid spellchecker, Twycross is a proper word. Sorry about that, I get over excited easily.
1. How come in the instruction manual says that she's called Tooty while the game says she's called Tooie? Which is her true identity or is it a conspiracy?!?!?!?!?
2. Killer Instinct vs. Pokemon, it would be brilliant, Pikachu doing a thundershock attack up Uncle Tusk's arse.
Please Note: The Killer Instinct characters wouldn't be there for any other reason than the fact that watching 1ft tall creatures beat the crap out of fully grown men is both fun and amusing.
3. Wot are you guys doing for the Dolphin? How about
4. I have proof of the existence of Mr Pants64! By threatening to set foot on the new carpark, I forced an unnamed member of staff to give me the beta copy of a bonus level featured in the game. Enjoy.
1. The game doesn't say she's called Tooie. For the umpteenth time, it's just... oh, I can't be bothered.
2. Stop trying to salvage your credibility.
3. Don't be ridiculous. How could we possibly justify including Joanna?
4. The Mr. Pants bonus game provided hours of solid entertainment, thank you kindly. Can't beat that good old-fashioned left-to-right-and-nothing-else gameplay. However, had you indeed set foot on the new car park, you would have been instantly electrocuted - so bear that in mind when your thoughts inevitably turn to the Tiptup 64 subgames.
I have been disappointed in recent months by the lack of rabid jingoism in these letters. It is a sad day when representatives of the four major Anglophonic nations congregate without taking advantage of our rich tradition of hateful mockery. And yet, month after month, the Scribes page goes up completely devoid of adolescent harangues. Puling, pantywaisted Limeys are not invited to insert their crumpets into their rectal cavities. Wombat-fondling Australians are not reminded, ever so cleverly, that their country was once a "penile colony." Canadians are not subjected to obscene re-interpretations of the word "Mountie." And, most shockingly of all, my own countrymen are not taken to task for their relentless crusade to drive the lowest common denominator further and further down until every television channel on Earth broadcasts nothing but a toilet flushing, over and over again, coupled with an uproarious laughtrack.
If we cannot even rise to this level of internecine loathing, how can we hope to properly ridicule the French?
Cadwalader Mumphries, Executive Director, Institute of Cultural Denigration
I'd like to agree with you and open the floor for an all-out international verbal scrap, but some people seem to get offended by that kind of thing. Hard to believe in such an endearingly self-deprecating age, but true. And don't rule us "pantywaisted" (whatever that is) "Limeys" out of this Toilet Channel you so titillatingly describe - I've no doubt we'd hand over good cash to be a part of it.
Finally! A video game web site that has the slightest sense of humor; IGN64!
Kidding. I just have to ask one question. I figure if I ask it now there will be a good chance that I will get a response sometime in the next four to six years. In Perfect Dark, is Joanna Dark pronounced Joan-na or Jo-an-na Dark?
P.S. What would happen if I sent this letter to you 20,000 times? What's that? You'd be delighted? Okay, here's number one...
It's pronounced Jo-an-na, just like every other instance of the name since the dawn of time: for example, er... Eddy Grant's 1990 political anthem Gimme Hope Jo'anna. Yeah.
PS More than once and I'd refer you to Uncle Tusk. He'd be even more delighted.
Dear "Scribes" - oh wait, we ARE the "scribes"(duh), hmmm...
Anyway, after my point last month about a certain Duncan Botwood looking 'mardy' in N64 Magazine, I "performed" the cheat in Goldeneye that allowed me to play as staff members. Now don't worry Monsieur Botwood, I am not stalking you or anything but I couldn't help noticing that in Goldeneye you are a ginner! How so? - in N64 Mag you have black hair. Was this a paintbrushing effort/experiment by the team, or were those your wild days when your name used to be Mandy at weekends?
Not stalking him? A likely story. Mr. B is now in hiding, and his lawyers have issued the following statement on his behalf:
"Our client made the mistake of getting on the wrong side of (ie. failing to convincingly bribe) the person responsible for texturing the heads. His hair is not naturally ginger, more a nondescript dark brown colour. Most recently, his name at weekends has been 'Wagner'."
Have you been roleplaying again, Botwood? Honestly.
To whom it may concern,
"I can have my girlfriend beat me to death..." "My own girlfriend is on record..." "My own girlfriend calls my vision..." Who do you people think you are fooling? Admit it, you don't get women. You don't know women. Your only notion of a woman is based on experiences with B. Orchid, Maya, Kim Wu, and soon Joanna Dark. It is pitiful enough that you spend all your time sitting on your arses playing videogames, and then writing to Rare with arsinine questions, but to lie and make it sound like you are actually getting any? You make me sick. Anyway, I would continue crushing your self-esteem, but I have to go make out with my girlfriend.
P.S. My girlfriend wants you to bring back Chief Thunder for KI 3.
More like your girlfriend wants you to stop making her dress up as Chief Thunder, you degenerate. And how can you be so sure that we don't base our game characters on people we actually know? Apart from the ones with fur, obviously. That'd be stupid.
Now, recently, I was looking through your vast array of DK64 screens and noticed that the game is full of politically-incorrect flaws! I have included a screen shot detailing some of those flaws. Do you notice how many there are in a single scene? Martin Luther most be rolling over in his grave! Anywayz, send me all the free stuff you can fit in an average sized porta-potty of significant retail value (not the kind you get at Value Village) and keep up the good work. Remember: just 'cause they did it once in the movies, it doesn't mean you can't do it three times a week for a steady income.
BILL (reviewer for Blab Magazine)
P.P.S. Canned goods at half the re-sell value.
P.P.P.S. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.
[Missing RPA: dkcomments.jpg "DK64 Politically Corrected"]
We have nothing but admiration for your razor-sharp analytical mind. Naturally, DK64 has been pushed back a couple of years while the disgraced team fine-tunes its grip on reality.
PS Knackers. Remember?
PPS Your statutory rights are not affected.
PPPS Auntie Mary had a canary up the leg of her drawers.
I have things that I need to ask you about.
1. Apparently, I need to make a very good point or be a stupid moron to get printed. (Sez me, who has written you... ohh... about 987 billion times... give or take a few...)
2. To the person writing in, asking if the Multiplayer creations in PD would have pasty-white faces; I would think that Rare would have some sort of flesh toner for the skin coloration.
3. Kat; do you realize that by saying that you rushed down to Snippets "with a warm feeling in your breast" that you'll never get FLEAB whats-his-face to leave you alone?!
4. Helllooooo... Sean Williamson... where are you... I have a little present for you... (by the way Scribes, don't tell him that I plan to jump him, steal all of his valuables (if he has any) and take him to a doctor to get him a partial lobotomy).
5. If I write in a very illiterate fashion, will I get printed? Or maybe if I annoy you with old movie and TV quotes? Shine your shoes? Get you a harem of dancing gypsy girls with the see-thru pink pants? What?
6. I know what you'll do next summer... (ripping off movie title in process).
P.S. Who wants to melt SirSlush2? I do!!
P.P.S. At least everyone has shut up about TipTup.
P.P.P.S. Use the word 'booty' instead of arse! I dare ya!!
People may have shut up about Tiptup, but they're making up for it by bundling in PS after irrelevant PS instead. Hey ho.
1. No, you just need to attract my attention, amuse or interest me in the slightest, because I am Lord and Master of this godforsaken page and you will indulge my every whim, you filthy rabble.
3. Don't spoil it, we were enjoying that...
4. Either he's stopped reading or he's a man of remarkable fortitude. Not even a single tetchy swearword from the great Mr. Williamson since his original confession and the haranguing that followed (for those of you who've just joined us, you can view his heartrending missive halfway down Uncle Tusk's March 4th column). Come on, Seanie! Show your face!
5. Any of those would help except the first one.
6. Have another sprog, probably. That's what I've done for the last two summers.
Oh no! There's too many of them!
I'm just going to... have to...
July X Snippets Special
Tuesday, July 6, 1999
It looks like good ol' Fulgore must have finally knocked your ugly butt out, because you just have nothing to say. Or maybe... just maybe... you are spending your time DEMANDING a Killer Instinct 3!!! YES! I am certain that you are busting your barbarian butt, trying to get those useless programmers to develop a new addition to the best fighting series ever. Oh, I know they don't listen all the time, but I'm sure if you introduce your size 40 boot to their midsection, they'd probably see it your way. Don't fail me, Tusk. I don't tolerate failure.
Your adoring American fan,
Uncle Tusk replies:
Yeah, that must be it. That must be what I've been doing. Either that or I was waiting until I could scrape together enough coherent messages to make writing a column worthwhile, you bunch of semi-literate Neanderthal nonces. If I'd treated myself to delivering a sound kicking to every last person who sent in a stupid waste-of-time email since the last update, you'd probably never have seen me again. Now shut up and read.
Dear Uncle Tusk,
Without being able to show presentation, I'd like to share a description of how you can divide the multiplayer screen in Goldeneye. (Listen up Robert Tugaoen.) It is very inexpensive, simple and you'll be kicking yourself for not thinking of it sooner. First, I must say that it's most easy to implement in multiplayer team mode. (Two against two.) Put the blue team on the left side of the screen and the red team on the right. Now, all you have to do is stand up a piece of cardboard at the center of the screen. If the cardboard extends three feet (about a metre) or more, it should be enough to create a blind spot to separate the teams. Sit accordingly and make sure you turn off the radar. This breathes new life into the game and soon you and your friends will be using more complex strategies and techniques. Do you want to be a sniper? Go ahead, no one can see where you are. Hide where ever you please. Mines? They won't be too sure about that either. They won't know your flag carrier has just led them into a mine field. Now you're getting the picture aren't you? So, what are you waiting for? Get a piece(s) of cardboard or buy some foamboard at the nearest office store. Use some bookends to stand them up, and voila, a whole new way to play. Ok, now the question. If you have any pull at Rare, could you make a suggestion to the Perfect Dark team to include a vertical split screen option and no radar? (Not as cheat options I hope.) It would be perfect for my foamboard.
Uncle Tusk replies:
You're all mental, you people. Turning your houses into army-level assault courses just for the sake of hiding from your equally unhinged acquaintances on a TV screen. Nevertheless, the mindlessly dedicated PD team are slaving away at trying to accommodate every last dribbling player as best they can: as the designer puts it, "Hopefully there should be enough options to satisfy the even most insane GoldenEye fans."
Hey Uncle Tusk, I have some questions for ya.
1) First get Goldeneye and start a multiplayer game. Now make both characters stand in front of each other. Now make one hit the other one just with his arms. Why the other one can't actually see his opponent's arms moving?
2) How come in DKR, TipTup says "watch out!" after you crash? Aren´t you supposed to say that before you crash?
3) How come in KI all the characters leave a hole in the sand of the same kind when they fall off the sky stage?
4) How come in KIG you can still see the character's shadow in the bridge level even when that part is not on the bridge?
5) Why did the first Spinal get killed? Was his movie "Dry as a bone" so bad???
6) I know you've been asked this a lot, but if I have an idea for a game, where can I send it to ya guys, if I could?
7) Why did ya guys bother including Krunch in DKR or at least giving him such an ugly acceleration, control.... he doesn't even seems to be one of the good guys! Was it to keep the A-Kremling-in-every-DK-game tradition?
8) Why dont you guys ask MIDWAY sometime to get both companies together and made a game called Mortal Kombat -vs- Killer Instinct? I love KI and I love MK too. Both together would be just Da Bomb.
9) Did ya found any mistakes in my English? My official language is Spanish, so you understand why... esta bien amigo? Bueno, gracias!
Bye guys, hasta la vista.
Uncle Tusk replies:
1) The team's explanation is simple: "Bond strike with speed of angry cobra."
2) Yeah, but Tiptup's stupid. As if you didn't see that one coming.
3) Extensive air pressure reduces each of the competitors' bodies to a uniform shape and size before impact.
5) You mean the Spinal in KI1, or the original bloke who was resurrected as Spinal in KI2 and then again in KI1? The KI1 Spinal was hacked to bits by Thunder. Shows how hard he was.
6) We can't do anything with it. Legal reasons. Plus the fact that we get sent enough game ideas every month to suffocate a decent-sized mammoth.
7) You've got to have a slow-and-steady heavyweight in there somewhere, haven't you? And yeah, using a Kremling reinforces the Diddy Kong link, or something.
8) Shut up, you slavering idiot.
9) No. I didn't found any.
Let me kiss butt a little by reminding you that Goldeneye is the best game ever, and everything I could think to put in PD seems like it will be implemented. Being a conosouier of video games, I realized something while ingaged in a vigorous battle with my friend. I unloaded 7 DD44 rounds into my opponent's chest, but only 2 registered. I realized that Bond couldn't keep up with my lighting fast trigger finger. My question to thee is as follows: will PD be able to keep up with my expert abilities? Thanx Tuskeroo.
Joe "my ego grows with every victory" Mogavero
Uncle Tusk replies:
Seeing as it's basically GoldenEye Central in here today, I may as well go off and find someone to smack about while the designer does all the hard work.
"A conosouier? Really? Gosh. You probably hit the gun he was holding; if you didn't, I have no idea what you did. Do you mean hits registered on your hapless friend? Or do you mean shots fired? If you press the trigger faster than the framerate, what you describe may well take place."
Dear Uncle Tusk,
Not a question so much as nosy-Parker observations from a 007 freak:I've noticed that shooting people in the gun area does no identifiable damage - there's no change whatsoever on my life meter when my friend blasts me in the Klobb, for example. Why then do I re-pick-up Body armor if I walk over it again? Does it do minuscule damage, after all? If so, then why does the Golden Gun NOT kill a man when you brutally shoot him in the Klobb with it?
And once you've chewed that one over with some diamond teeth, why does any shot from any weapon SUCCESSFULLY kill a man when you shoot him in the Klobb with it, on License to Kill???
And who killed JFK while you're at it?
Thanks for your time and patience.
Benjamin CJ Hu, Durham
PS Oh yes is there something wrong with the game on Pyramid level? Baron Samedi first shoots Dostovei blasts at you, then ZMG Uzi blasts, and finally what are unmistakably Laser blasts. BUT he's clutching Dostoveis throughout! What's up? Were there some sneaky little corners cut in the coding???
PPS You've probably heard this one before as well, but was it intended that the astute 2.3 Domino player could kill Baron Samedi at the end-of-level cutscene for Pyramid? I get the impression that it wasn't, simply because once you do, the cutscene goes on forever until you cancel it by pushing buttons...
PPPS If I stand directly in front of Jaws, his twin AR33 Assault Rifles can't hit me, ever. However, mine hit him perfectly in the chest (or wherever). Another little oversight/noncorrectable fault?
PPPPS Why does Trevelyan sometimes blow himself up on Cradle level? I'm not complaining, but it doesn't seem much in character...
PPPPPS Can you put a more definite date on the release for what will doubtlessly be THE definitive Rare shootem, Perfect Dark? At least more definite than "Sometime this year, maybe perhaps sortof"?
Uncle Tusk replies:
"Not an answer so much as a world-weary observation from a game designer: I've noticed that the longer the game is out, the more weird and pointless the questions get.
"PS. No, merely demonstrating the flexibility of the code.
"PPS. Of course it wasn't, you arse.
"PPPS. His arms are longer than yours, but he isn't clever enough to realise it.
"PPPPS. Confucius say: man who drop grenade at feet, better know path to door is clear before letting go.
"PPPPPS. Sometime this December, maybe perhaps sortof."
Dear Uncle Tusk,
"Row your ass": actually, the line from The Golden Child is "Paddle your ass". I know, I have no life, but that movie was really funny. Thanks.
Harry Cardillo Jr.
Uncle Tusk replies:
Oh, so you think you're clever, do you? Yeah, well... yeah, alright.
Dear Uncle Tusk,
I noticed that in the level select screen of Blast Corps, when the moon revolves about 13 times around the earth, the sun revolves one time around the earth. This is just like in reality. So I wonder if the other planets also behave realistically? This would be a nice little detail of the game. Could you just ask someone of the
BC team about this? If this is true, my second question is, if there is an ex-astrophysicist in this team who has too much time left over to implement such things...
Uncle Tusk replies:
The man responsible claims that he "just happened" to find a reference book about planetary orbits on his desk at the time he was programming the select screen, so he decided hey, let's go wild and make them act realistically. Most of them, anyway - if he'd set them up all properly then you'd only catch sight of some of them every few years. Which would be stupid.
Dear Uncle Tusk,
Hello me again. I was most upset at the fact that you did not reply to my well informed questions. Unlike most people my questions were based in reality and not concerned with crazed chefs with knives running around in Goldeneye. So here goes again, perhaps you will look fondly upon this poor fan and answer my questions.
1. Where is Banjo-Tooie? We've heard whispers but what about screen shots or at least some bit of info on it. Why would you hold out upon your loyal fans.
2. Who in the hell is Sniffles... I really want to know where that one came from.
3. Any plans for a RPG game of a serious nature unlike Super Mario RPG (good game but a little on the silly side).
4. Is Banjo-Kazooie going to be able to attach itself to Banjo-Tooie like Sega's Sonic and Knuckles games did a while back. You said you had to go back and forth between the two...
5. Would you Shag Austin Powers now, or later :)???? (Yeah baby...)?
6. I would like to voice concern over the possible future of PD multiplayer mode. I was very disappointed with Turok II's solution to the multiplayer problem (Tiny levels). Granted they are fast, what's the point when two seconds later you're dead cause your opponent is two feet away from you. I hope PD is fast and huge as far as multiplayer goes. I would hate to be gyped by a lousy multiplayer. Goldeneye rocked but is just too slow with four people, it needs to be faster.
Thanks Tusky and remember please respond.
Uncle Tusk replies:
1. There's a difference between spitefully "holding out" as you suggest and simply "waiting until we've got some really good stuff to show you", idiot child.
2. He's my lickle cutesy puddy tat, awwww. (Looks around quickly.) Leave it! It's none of your damn business.
3. Hang on, I'll just get my Secret Development Files out and tell you everything... oh, wait a minute! What am I doing? You almost got me there. (Sigh.)
4. I can see you people still mindlessly droning this question months after Banjo-Tooie's release.
5. Or, more accurately, "no baby".
6. The designer says "Don't worry - we removed multiplayer mode completely so that your sensibilities weren't offended." Now look what you've done - putting a stop to everyone else's fun just to satisfy your own selfish whims. You disgusting lowlife.
Dear Uncle Tusk,
I think you should go beat the hell out of the Gaming Bastard at IGN64. He's trying to be you so hard it hurts, and he's really doing a crappy job of it. Hmm...? A gaming question? I don't really have one. I just got Unlimited Ammo after being stuck there for months, it'll only be a matter of time before I get to the Temple. Heh heh. Oh, here we go: How do you get the green smelly thing off the Jiggy (I just wrote Jiggly... I've been playing too much Pokémon) in Banjo-Kazooie?
BTW, how would you pronounce that?
Uncle Tusk replies:
'Penis'. What are you talking about, "green smelly thing"? You fool. Just goes to show that Mr. Bastard's got the right attitude. Trying to deal with you people in a polite and considered manner only builds up stress which is ultimately released in a savage bout of violence, so it's best for everyone if we just point out your stupidity right from the start. We can always kick your face off later if need be.
1. I see that you're including Gameboy Camera support -- very cool. However, will the 'faces' be stored in a database that can be accessed by the one player game? How ace would it be to run into a guard who looked just like your brother? He sure as hell wouldn't be receiving any mercy!
2. Will the mines stick to people, like the plastic explosive in Metal Gear Solid? That would be cool as well.
3. Last of all, I noticed in a video of the multiplayer mode, when a character is unarmed, they don't 'slap.' It looked like they were trying to grab their opponent. Is this what was going on? Or was it just a very weak looking punch?
If the answers to the first 2 questions are no, then you should change it so that those features are in the finished product, 'cos I say so! That's enough for now. See Ya!
Thomas G Raffel
Uncle Tusk replies:
Time for more of Designer Boy's endearingly insubstantial replies, I think.
"1. There are a few ideas we have for the camera, but we'll have to wait and see if they all get implemented.
"2. It is quite possible that they either will or will not stick to people.
"3. No, they weren't trying to grab anyone. They were just holding their arm out without holding a gun at the same time.
"Not if I see you first."
Dear giant sword-welding madman,
In your last amazing segment, you mentioned Orson's Farm, a cartoon with a farm and an animal named Orson. I have no question, but just wanted to add that in the USA, it is known as US Acres. It was a comic strip created by Jim Davis, who is most famous for his lazy-cat strip Garfield. It ran from, I believe, 1985-1989, and was featured on the Saturday morning cartoon Garfield and Friends throughout its entire run.
Uncle Tusk replies:
Don't tell me - you have a healthy social life and like to abseil and bungee jump when not organising cocktail parties for your intellectual friends. US Acres, my arse. That's just stupid - I don't care if it's true. Orson's Farm makes much more sense.
My name is Nick I'm 14/m/Australia. OK now I dunno if this is just a printing error or what but it's killing me. In the instruction booklet (Goldeneye) under the multiplayer section pg 21 you show a picture of the character select screen. On the 2nd player's character select (or the bottom) they have Ourumov selected then to his left is Boris. Then you can half see my mystery man! On Ourumov's right is our old friend 006, BUT on the game Xenia is before Ourumov and Boris is on his right! So who's the mystery man on the left? On the game it's 006. The mystery man is holding a gun. On the game the only 2 characters showing their gun is Bond and Xenia. I don't think it's Bond because Bond holds his gun much higher. And I don't think it is Xenia.
PLEASE AWNSER MY QUESTION!!!
Thanx 4 your time
Uncle Tusk replies:
We can't "AWNSER" anything because we don't know what you're dribbling on about. "But you should count yourself lucky that your love life is active enough for you to have a 'mystery man', duckie," adds the GE designer helpfully.
Err, Excuse me,
While perusing the train station on Goldeneye, could I have spied the Immortal "Dusty Bin" on the side of one of the containers? Or was I experiencing nostalgia from the not-too-distant past.
Uncle Tusk replies:
Oh my! You could be right! Let's ask the team for confirmation:
"No. While there are various pieces of graffiti dotted about, a grand total of none of them star 'Dusty Bin'. You sad daft get."
Perhaps not then, eh?
Yo, Tusk Guy!
Answer these for me. Okay? Good.
01. When will Banjo-Tooie® come out?
02. Is there a way to get to the pink and purple eggs in Banjo-Kazooie® without getting Banjo-Tooie®?
03. Do you know that I got the ice key in Banjo-Kazooie®?
04. Do you care that I got the ice key in Banjo-Kazooie®?
05. Do you know that I got the ice key without Banjo-Tooie®?
06. Am I annoying you?
07. May I have $50 for when Banjo-Tooie® comes out?
08. Will there be a Banjo-Threeie®?
09. What is the ice key for?
10. What is in Gnawty's home during summer?
11. What are the pink and purple eggs for?
P. S. I am not related to Sean Williamson.
P. S. S. Reply A. S. A. P.
Uncle Tusk replies:
I don't know. Not officially. Apparently. Not even remotely. Obviously. Try harder. Die screaming. I don't know. Not getting yet. Gnawty's smell. Shoving up your arse.
PS Even that doesn't make up for the rest of the letter.
PPS It's 'PPS', not 'PSS', you thick get.
Dear Uncle Tusk,
I was just wondering if the enemies would interact with each other in Perfect Dark more than they did in Goldeneye. In Goldeneye, enemies were not aware of gunfire by anyone other than yourself (resulting in them getting shot by each other, but not injured), they continued running even if they ran into another game character, and whereas you could not, they could shoot right through each other as soon as they were dead. If the baddies worked more as a team, it would not only make the game more realistic, but also more challenging.
Uncle Tusk replies:
I can't help but suspect that the designer's reached that point of one question too many...
"The enemies will be able to react better to combat situations by holding a series of encounter groups and group therapy sessions; group hugs have also been motion-captured, and there will be a designated 'care individual' on every level that they can take their worries to in times of need."
Dear Uncle Tusk,
I need some help. How many red secret presents, and invites, are there? I've got 23 invites, and 16 red presents. And I've got all 48 blue presents, and my rating is Birthday Bonanza or something. The game said when I tried to get in the sea shell shaped hole right in front of my house (only 2 of them in the woodlands), that I should try to get a higher rating. So please tell me, (without any of your rude jokes) the total of how many red secret gifts, and the total of how many invites there are. Thanks!
Diane L. Vlassis
Uncle Tusk replies:
Now then, let's see. 48 blue presents - nice solid number. 16 red presents - nice solid number. 23 invites - you're clearly in need of some vigorous sledgehammer therapy if you can't see what's going on here.
Dear All-Knowing Tusk,
I've been hearing a lot lately about all the great Rare games that are in development. Each one seems to be better than the last. Here is some snippets of text that I remember from traversing the internet:
Banjo-Tooie will make Banjo-Kazooie look like crap.
If you thought Banjo-Kazooie was the height of N64's graphics then you haven't seen JFG.
Donkey Kong 64 looked better than most Dreamcast games at E3.
Donkey Kong's characters were so well rendered with so many polygons that they looked real.
Perfect Dark is Goldeneye on some serious steroids.
Perfect Dark's graphics were so good they made me want to cry.
All this hype and talk has left me wondering: Which game will look the best? Which one will be the next game that makes everyone ohhh and ahhh and drool so bad that they line up at 3am to buy it?
I suspect that DK will edge out the others but you never know...
PS. What is the context of knackers? Here is my feeble attempt: Joanna Dark unlike Lara Croft will have normal-sized knackers.
Uncle Tusk replies:
You left out the following:
Donkey Kong 64 will feature a sub-game that cures cancer.
Anyone who plays Jet Force Gemini will live until they're 300.
Vigorous rubbing of the Perfect Dark cartridge grants three wishes of the player's choice.
PS. A most amusing effort, though it couldn't possibly be any less accurate.
Dear Uncle Tusk,
Could you please put the designer of GE on the chair where you are sitted? I have a question for him.
What's the best way to get the cheat in the Caverns level? I've tried it many times and my best time is 11:12! (Hey! You must admit I'm not as crap as Sean Williamson...at least.) So, please help me. That's the only cheat I'm missing (with the train but in some more tries I'll get this one.) Thank you!
Uncle Tusk replies:
Oi! Designer! Look, it's the last one. Sit here and think 'helpful'.
"Be fast at the start. Run past guards rather than stopping to shoot them. Concentrate on the objectives. Be better. See? I was helpful. And I didn't laugh at the name, either."
Mr. "Uncle" Tusk:
Several months ago a Katherine Bree, on behalf of the Falkland Island museum, submitted a mutated cat named "Sniffles" to our incarceration facility. Raving on something about promised fish heads, your cat started numerous fights, and was scheduled for lethal injection.
After maliciously slashing the man who was to give the injection, Sniffles was to be put in our state of the art electric chair. However, the humongous voltage has only furthered his mutation, enlarging him to a height of 200 feet and enabling him to escape. The former cat has also grown extra limbs, and developed telepathic power.
Sniffles has now been classified a global threat, and will be mercilessly fired at from the collective militia of the world if not subdued within 48 hours. We beg for your help.
Mr. Sam Armstrong, Head of the Alcatraz Incarceration Facility
Uncle Tusk replies:
The little scamp, he's always doing things like this. But he doesn't mean anything by it, you know, it's all one big happy game to him. He's just a kitten at heart. I'll just dig out his cute little mousey toy and industrial strength super-absorbent tissue pack and pop round to fetch him... hopefully in time to lock him in the shed before Maya gets back from shopping. Oh, hang on, 200 feet? Give me half an hour - I might have to build a new shed.