Monday, March 1, 1999

Scribes: March 1, 1999

Dear Scribes,

OK, as many of us REALLY keen observers of Nintendo may know (from IGN64, damn them), Nintendo is currently in R&D for a new console, unofficially speaking of course. What I would like to know, Rare being Nintendo's golden child, are you guys privy to any of their backdoor dealings? ie. are Nintendo UNOFFICIALLY going up to you and UNOFFICIALLY saying stuff like, "Hey guys, let's say HYPOTHETICALLY speaking, we were to develop a new console. What would you guys HYPOTHETICALLY like to see in it? What would HYPOTHETICALLY help other developers make their games as flash as yours, and not so THEORETICALLY sh*tty theirs is all the time?"

Also, on a different note, my friend, Om, would like to know say, in light of your revelations concerning a reply to a question someone e-mailed in; quote-unquote "one or two more games we're working on":Let's hope that they're not more bloody 3D-platformers with some cute baby-faced ponce walking around some yay-coloured 3D 'world'! Let's have some blood-curdling, X-rated action. The 3 things that your next unnamed game needs is:

1) Blood

2) Incest

3) Cricket

Yep. You heard me right. Sex and cricket. Devious sex. Devious cricket. You could have Alec Stewart hit a four, then have a cutscene where some polygon guy (Enough! This is a family site. - Ed). Irrelevant, I know, but different, at least. Sex cutscenes don't take up much animation. Then you could incorporate shotguns somehow. I don't know how, but I'm working on it. And have some East 17 MIDIs. Well, that's what Om says.

But asking seriously for a sec, have you got any outlines or what-have-you for Nintendo's 'wet cement' console? I mean, it's not like you have to know the specs of Nintendo's Wet Cement. You know it's gonna be a monster that can process infinite loops while it cooks your mother. I betcha you guys are all thinking to yourselves, "Wow! We can now finally make that cute 3D platformer we've always been planning!" So basically, tell me, do you guys know anything about Nintendo's WC? (Don't make some dumb facetious comment on the functionality of some toilet in Nintendo's Japanese HQ. Yeah, you're funny.)
Joe F. Tangco

Rare Says:

Having never visited Nintendo's Japanese HQ, I can't - oh.

I personally know nothing about Nintendo's next console. Is that any good to you? If anyone here
does know anything, they're certainly not telling me about it, which suggests that the chances of them wanting highly classified information splattered all over the Net are fairly slim. So there goes that idea.

As for
Incest Cricket 64, we can't help feeling that another "bloody 3D platformer" would have the edge when it came to establishing a target audience. Call us old-fashioned...

Dear Scribes,

For one reason or another I stumbled on to your site the other day and was shocked out of my, uh, knickers. I don't know much English slang (besides arse of course) so don't mind my rather pathetic attempts at using it. I notice that you, um, blokes, are about as good with American slang as I am with the English, er, lot. C'mon, "tubular"? I thought only surfers used that one. And what the heck is "bodacious"? I have lived in America my whole life and I have never, ever, used that one.

Anyway, I wanted to respond to a letter you posted from one Benjemino. Despite Benji's REALLY poor "Americanisms" I think he has a point. I purchased Turok 2 and it was fun, but not nearly as entertaining as Goldeneye 007. You see, I liked Goldeneye more and I am an American, as are my friends who also prefered 007.

So, I mentioned Goldeneye. That must mean this letter will take another predictable Perfect Dark. I heard some weak rumors that PD wouldn't support a co-op mode, is that true? If those rumors are false then who, may I ask, is Ms. Dark's sidekick? Another rumor I heard had Dark as somewhat of a Lara Croft character. Say it ain't so. I like good looking women of course, but Croft seemed cheap.

One more thing, one of your Snippets had someone asking for a copy of TND. Oh, darn. I was going to write a couple of paragraphs to inform him you didn't make the game but I just noticed you wrote "...?". How do you come up with these awesome explanations. If it weren't for Peer's box art articles on IGN64, you would win the Pulitzer without a doubt.

Rare Says:

You're too kind. I do make a conscious effort to restrain my responses and let the Snippet authors wallow in their unholy limelight, because nothing I could ever say would be as funny/depressing/incriminating as some of the comments these people send in.

It's alright, I was being ironic with 'tubular' and 'bodacious' - think yourself lucky I didn't chuck 'cowabunga' in there as well...

PD's designer says: "I have no comment to make on co-operative mode, nor on whether or not she has a sidekick, and who he, she, it or they may be. Joanna's breasts are of course gigantic and she goes around the whole time in a thong, which changes colour every level."

Dear Scribles,

Is there possibly any cure for my ailments? How can I live with this world of worthless games?! Sure, a few are good (BK, DKR, G-EYE, Zelda64, Rouge Squadron, etc...) But what am I to do after I beat them after three days of owning them? Oh woe... What am I to do? Buy the players' guides just so I can find out that I already have ALL the secrets? Or simply kill the main character as many times as I can in three minutes (as I always do)? HELP I NEED A GAME THAT CAN NEVER BE BEATEN! I NEED SNUMPY CHUMPY! I NEED A TIP TUP GAME, AS LONG AS I CAN KILL HIM! I NEED A CHALLENGE (at a low cost please, I'm not made of money, you know)!!!!!

Sorry about the screaming, it's just the boredom.
Amanda Schroeder
Rare Says:

A game that can never be beaten? Don't want much, do you? Get yourself a rickety old console/computer and a shedload of cheapo games to go with it - that'll keep you occupied for far longer than a single N64 game, and probably for a similar price. Then buy Jet Force when it comes out. Obviously.

Dear Scribes,

Update Scribes now or I shall kidnap the squirrels that run in the big wheel that powers your building. Don't think I don't know where you got the idea for Conker. Also, who would win in these match-ups - Joanna Dark vs. Santa Claus, Banjo/Kazooie vs. Elton John, Diddy vs. a grape (a big one), and Conker vs. Elmer Fudd. Thank ye kindly, and may monkeys fly frequently from your arses (there's that word again. Bloody hell.). Bugger all, ballocks (just how do you spell that?), tea and crumpets, and Ni! Sorry, been watching too much Monty Python. I know all you Brits are like that, though. In the spirit of randomness (as if this wasn't already overflowing with it...), BOING!!!!

PhReaKy MoNKeY
P.S. - I assure you I am quite insane, if you hadn't already derived as much from the contents of this inane letter.

Rare Says:

Wow, you're mad, you are (yawn). Predictably enough, I reckon all our characters would win in the match-ups you suggest: in fact the only opponent who might pose a threat in ordinary circumstances is Elmer Fudd, seeing as he's got a gun, but when you're pitted against the otherworldly might of Conker such things fade into insignificance.

I'd like to tell you how to spell "ballocks" properly, but I doubt I could get away with it here.
Let's see: B*ll*cks! Thought not.

Dear Scribes,

I know this letter will be published because it is far more intellectual than what was shown in the last "Scribes". You mentioned that you wanted to know any interesting American slang. Well I'll break the news to you as softly as I can. We have no slang that could ever topple the word "arse". You see, we have only been around for 223 years. The Brits have existed since I don't know when. You have had more time to think about good slang words to include in your documentaries, as we have not. Our slang is so pathetic in fact, that I have begun to use "bloody" and "arse" in my everyday English (or is that American?). Sorry to disappoint you.

Sign Me,
Matt Carvalho
P.S. Keep up the great work. I'll be first to buy every of your games.

Rare Says:

Come on now, time's not much of an excuse - you don't see us prancing round dishing out swearwords in Middle English, do you? Are you sure there's not a world of weird and wonderful American slang out there that you've been subconsciously blocking off? I think you should make it your mission to find out...

Dear Scribes,

As I sit down to write to you once more, I now have a new mission. I now know Tiptup's own game is a lost cause, and the only time we will see him is in dinky supporting roles. Oh well. He's best suited for that anyway. But now the table turns to something else. On the main page of your website, you mention one or two games you're not allowed to talk about yet. And I was just visiting Tusk and he mentioned those couple games again. I'm not asking you to tell me what they are. Oh no, I respect your damn secret. But the hint department is always open, and your bloody morbid clues are always fun to decipher.

So, here's some questioning. Let's see what I can jab out of you:

1: Will the games have some relation to Donkey Kong, Banjo, or Conker?

2: Will the Goldeneye 007 team be rearing its ugly head in any of this?

3: Will any of these games feature a game genre that Rare hasn't poked
its arse into yet?

4: Will we be able to dress the characters in these games, like Barbie dolls, with us being the girlish game players we are?

As always, your cryptic clues are always appreciated.
Rare Says:

Your questions are easily answered by three Nos and a Yes, but not necessarily in that order. I realise that's not much of a 'cryptic clue' - more along the lines of plain old 'bugger all information' - but I'm too tired to try and be a smartarse. Also, I'm moderately disturbed by your Barbie fetish and would like to move onto the next letter as swiftly as possible.

Dear Scribes,

In DKR, when you beat a world, Taj says "I've got something special for you", but doesn't do anything, just stands there waving around his ARSE! I think he is gay!

And.... when you beat Taj in a challenge, he says "You have done well.....kiss my ARSE!"

I've heard rumors that Taj now rests in whispering Wizpig's psycho ward.
The all-powerful ARSE-LOVING Jerky

Rare Says:

Oh. So I shouldn't have rushed onto this letter after all, then. Still, two big capitalised arses and plenty of slander on harmless Rare characters, can't bring myself to delete it...

Dear Scribes,

This is long but good. Please answer all my questions, PLEASE!!!!!

I remember reading a magazine (that awful NMS) in England maybe four or five years ago (maybe longer) that had a rumour section. Anyway, the rumour was that Rare were making a Mario Kart style racing game for the SNES but using the same technology that was used in Donkey Kong and Killer Instinct. Now this never appeared, but it sounds a hell of a lot like Diddy Kong Racing. Was this the same game, but delayed, was it pushed to the new machine, or was the rumour simply a coincidence (which I don't believe). Does this mean that Diddy Kong was in development for even longer than Donkey
bloody Kong 64? If so, why was it so slow and jerky?

I have a couple of requests as well.

For god's sake don't release PD, JFG, BT or DK64 jerky. Slow down makes games so hard to play. A lot of the hard levels of Goldeneye are impossible. For god's sake cartridge is supposed to be almost instant, so why do I have to sit through tons of unskippable intro scenes when I start a game. BK is the worst. Also, is it supposed to ask me what language I want to select every time I turn the thing on. That has to be a bug right? How about some unskippable intros the first time you play, but after that there is only a menu screen every time you play.

And, why has Perfect Dark got the word DARK in it. Didn't you change the squirrel game because Conker/Conquer was too common. Technically, Conker and Conquer are different. DARKlight Conflict, DARK Reign, DARK Vengeance, DARKlands, DARK Sun, DARK Forces, DARK Earth, DARK Colony, DARK Seed, DARK no that's it (I had to look those up). Call it Perfect DIRK. It has a kind of anti-hip quality to it.
Rare Says:

This coming from a man called Morris. Nobody I've spoken to remembers this
Mario Kart rumour - in fact one of them described it as "a load of tat". Seems fairly safe to say that we never had it in development, then.

Intro scenes are all part of the presentation: I'm sure we'd get far more complaints if we didn't bother to include anything. Ditto for the choice of languages. And we do the best we can with frame rates - GoldenEye's done surprisingly well considering some of the levels are impossible, don't you think?

Greetings Space Cadet,

I find that I dance more like Nik Kershaw than Rick Astley, but hey, at least I'm not responsible for that fishy smell.

Just thought I'd send this message to say that JFG is looking rather splendid although I suppose I'm wasting my time asking when it will be released (I know, "It'll be ready when its ready"). At least I'm not going to waste your time by asking for the 100th time how to get access to the secret level on Goldeneye that is set in the Tip Tup universe. You know, the one where you get to drive about in a little car shaped like a tortoise shell with twin rocket launchers mounted on the front. Mind you, I'm still having trouble completing it within the strict time limit for the 'final' GoldenEye cheat. Any clues?

Seeing as how you never got the James Bond license, how about snapping up the rights to produce an A-Team themed game? Or better still, you could do a McGuyver one. Take control of Christian Dean Anderson, guiding him through perilous scenarios and building state of the art weapons out of meaningless old tat. Its not too late to change Perfect Dark is it?

Looks like you've got a fantastic '99 line up, so I won't waste anymore of your time and let you get back to doing what you do best (writing sarcastic replies to these letters).
Michael Knight (complete with 'big' hair and tight fitting denim)
PS: ARSE! Got to keep up these fine British traditions you know.

Rare Says:

Did Nik Kershaw dance? I'm afraid the overpowering memory of Rick Astley's smooth moves has done a bit of a
Johnny Mnemonic on that area of my brain.

Helluva Tough 64 would undoubtedly make a fine game, but I think the people responsible for the 'superb' Mr. T cartoon series should handle that one. Conversely, hardly anyone remembers McGuyver, and Knight Rider on the Spectrum more or less butchered the prospect of any future licensing. Tsk.
Prisoner: Cell Block 64, though, now there's a golden opportunity...

Dear Scribes,

How about a new Forum thread called "The unlikely game I can't stop playing but wouldn't admit it". My personal cart o' choice? Konami's Mahjong Master. I am addicted to it and feel it may be affecting my life, because I had a dream about it.

Cheers anyway,

Rare Says:

That's quite enough spine-chilling confession for everyone, I think. A whole Forum thread dedicated to it could spell the collapse of civilisation.

Hello Scribey ol' chep,

It's me again, Super Markio (from previous Scribes). I have here in my hands a big report stylee thing that we received when we wrote away to you. It is big colourful, full o' renders and chock full of piddly information. However, one page has a list of your up and coming games... Banjo Kazooie (must've been a while ago), Conker's Quest (still going by its old name) and RC PRO-AM 64...

Now hang on a minute. This is the only source I have seen with this information. Not even your site has this small gem in its collection of soon-to-be-sellers. I am very curious about it, is it one of those games you said you are working on but haven't told us about yet?

Thank you, and good day.
Super Markio

Rare Says:

Yes, it is an old publicity booklet - an old one, which we've long since run out of, let me just make that very clear before the whole world decides to write in. As for
Pro-Am 64, didn't the sight of Timber cruising over the logo in his plane tell you anything?

Dear Scriber,

Why don't you make a Donkey Kong Country game for Nintendo 64, I mean if you make one as good or better than Banjo-Kazooie you would add another great game to what you already have. If you make it have one so that you can play with 4 players. Have the first player be Donkey Kong, the second be Diddy Kong, the third be Dixie Kong, and the fourth be Kiddy Kong. If you make it you should make it as fun as Banjo-Kazooie.
Rod Durham

Rare Says:

That's a great idea. No, in fact that's two great ideas. Not only make a DKC game for the N64, but also make it fun. Thanks. We'll give them both serious consideration.

Dear Scribes,

I think that many people on your letters page have gone WAY overboard (which is what I'm about to do) on the subject of Tiptup. Some worship him as if he had an entire world on his back, like in The Colour of Magic, and some just beleive that he is simply a Small God. I think all you people with Tiptup- shaped bushes in your front lawns should look at him a DIFFERENT way!!! What if Tiptup was actually a Communist Dictator, looking to build a huge empire with the help of his humble servants (many fans)!!!??? Instead of being a lovable turtle, inside that shell, he's ready to kick Democracy right in the arse!!! Just think about it (all of you with Tiptup temples in your basement)!!!
Comrade Sebie
P.S. I have included a picture to help spark yee minds!

[Missing RPA: tiptup.gif "Tiptup the Communist, apparently"]

Rare Says:

You've probably got us on the FBI Most Wanted list with all this Communism rambling, you young rascal. Still, I'm sure there are far more damning images of an alternative Tiptup just waiting to be conjured up. What about Tiptup the Sitcom Actor? Tiptup the Politician? Tiptup the Game Show Host? The possibilities are endless (and endlessly disturbing).

Dear Scribes,

Firstly, the usual platitudes about how great you are, condensed into a load of keywords: Great, Goldeneye, loved, Perfect Dark, best. Now, my questions and comments. Please be gentle:

1) On the Aztec level in Goldeneye, when the camera pans round Bond he doesn't look like Pierce Brosnan. He looks, in fact, more like a strange Connery / Lazenby hybrid. Is this because the level is based on Moonraker (and wasn't it Roger Moore in Moonraker?) or is this just my eyesight going?

2) Do you have 'special' copies of your games to play at Rare, Goldeneye with all the deathmatch levels, for example. If so, can we have some pictures?

3) I know the box and manual are finished before the game is (which is why you can see the Spyder on the box of Goldeneye), but are there any other pictures available? I mean things like the All Bonds in mid-deathmatch, a blurry shot of the Citadel test level with someone's thumb in the way, that sort of thing? Can we see those too? Please?

4) What job do you, the Rarewhere editor, have besides updating the website? Are you available for Goldeneye deathmatch?

5) Who was responsible for writing the Moneypenny comments in Goldeneye? And do you ever risk letting them out?

Thanks for reading,
Chris Allcock

Rare Says:

1) Over to the designer: "It is Mr. Brosnan. Although putting in a Connery/Lazenby hybrid as a homage to Moore makes so much sense it is scary. Not."

2) & 3) Designer again: "We use the same versions you get in the shops. It goes without saying that if we did give you pictures (I presume you mean screenshots rather than photos of grey carts) you'd feel cheated by the similarity to your own pictures."

4) Internal website, internal monthly newsletter, instruction manuals, some in-game text and storylines, general Stuff. No, I'm crap at GoldenEye. I'll kick your arse at
Chaos on the Spectrum though.

5) Er, I think I did one of them. Sorry. The rest were down to the people who set up the levels (i.e. various team members), and they're safely locked away.

Dearest Snooky Wookums at Rare, (Just had to say that!)

I was looking over JWhit's editorial about "Kids sucking at video games." To tell you the truth, I don't know what the heck he's talking about. I've NEVER heard ANYONE say that kids suck at video games. I think that it's the experience, not the age, that people care about in a video gamer. I mean, I got the crap beaten out of me by a fourth grader in WCW/NWO Revenge on N64. If I were an "adult," I wouldn't be trying to make fun of kids who play video games, since if I did, they might just play me in DKR and whoop my arse. And here's another small argument: Why do you Brits always use such sophisticated phrases like "frightful" and "too clever by a half?" I could go on and on about how funny it is with the way that on American movies with British people on them, how they ask "Does anyone care for tea?" every 30 seconds and at the most ironic (am I sounding British?) times.
Pat Mundy

Rare Says:

Yes, it's true, the traditional Brit in a Hollywood film seems to have been signed up from another century. Tiffin and scones, Jeeves, what-ho. And that's if it's not the even greater indignity of an established and otherwise talented American A-list actor putting on the world's least convincing British accent...

Let's face it - people in general do assume that a younger player is by default a less skilled player, and that's not always fair. You've never heard
anyone say it? Do you live in Munchkin Land or something?

Dear Scribes,

Basically this is about Zelda. OK, I've bought it and it's amazing, but the thing is - will anyone in the world ever be able to make a game to match it apart from Nintendo? I loved Goldeneye, and for its time I would even say it's as good as Zelda, but if you think about it this way, even you guys who are relatively 'new' wouldn't be able to make a game like Zelda, simply because Nintendo have made very very successful Zelda games in the past and could use this legendary character in this legendary new game. A bit like a modern version of Mario. Well, my point is, that Rareware have no old time, legendary mascot. OK, so you've got Donkey Kong, Banjo-Kazooie and soon Jo Dark, but none of these characters will ever be as legendary as Mario or Link. Don't get me wrong I love your games and I think Rareware is amazing, but answer this; how can anyone (even Rareware) compete with Nintendo's games that not only are innovative and have amazingly clever and original puzzles, but contain super-star videogame characters which have attained their crowns by being around since the dawn of home video-gaming? Huh? Huh?

Thanks for answering my question.
Martin Badowsky

Rare Says:

Zelda wouldn't exactly lose every last shred of its charm if Link, Zelda and co. were replaced with new characters, would it? It's the standard of the game that counts. Obviously a recognised mascot or brand can help, but it's not the final word in a game's success: all characters have to start somewhere. Just look at the hype building up around Perfect Dark, and not a single character in that game has ever been seen before.

It's impossible to judge how successful and well-remembered Rare's characters will become in time. It only takes a visit to the Forums to get some idea of the impression left by Sabreman and Jetman, and they only appeared in a handful of games played by a tiny percentage of today's gaming population. It's all about quality. Who'd buy a Mario game today if all his previous outings had been pants?

Hey Scribes,

I would like to thank you for providing me with the key that unlocked my hidden potential. That key was Goldeneye, specifically death match mode. It was the final step in desensitizing me to all violence.

Killing my friends, siblings, and parents in Goldeneye is immensely enjoyable. Television and video games had begun the desensitizing years ago, but it was Rare's masterpiece that finally got me in touch with my base animal instincts.

My first move as the new me was to purchase a new video game, but I had no money. Borrowing an idea from Goldeneye, I planned to use my Game Boy as a stun gun, so I could rob someone. I put the plan into action, sneaking up behind my grandmother and repeatedly pressing the A button. This had no effect, so I switched to plan B, and bludgeon my grandma into unconsciousness with my Game Boy. This plan worked well.

So there I stood above my arch nemesis, fists raised high in victory. At last the purse would be mine. The spoils of this battle were many; including many pens, a coin purse, false teeth, and much hard candy. Surely the tale of my glorious victory will be written and passed down through the ages and songs will be sung in my honor.

I did buy a game and thoroughly enjoyed the violence contained within. Now whenever I am feeling down, I reminisce about the time that I vanquished the evil hag queen. The mere thought fills my chest with pride. And I owe it all to you.
Stuart The Conqueror
(I need a more imposing name other than Stuart. I find it strikes very little fear into the hearts of my enemies.)

Rare Says:

Tsk. I thought you were going to provide us with a first class bit of mindless controversy there, but the whole thing just degenerated into silliness. Give us something meaty! Something appallingly biased and sensationalist! That's the stuff.

Dear Scribes,

Perfect Ark anyone?

The year: 2023 BC. Noah, a doddery, bearded old man sets out in a storm aboard a large boat - codename 'Perfect Ark'. He is sucked ever deeper into the conspiracy that the world is flooding and that he must save two (no more) of every type of animal on the Earth. With a trail of guano leading him from ant to zebra, from honey bear to squirrel, Noah's mission slowly unfolds to reveal a conspiracy that God is just having a joke.

So, do you reckon it'll be a good basis for a game?

...hmm... thought not.. how about Perfect Lark about a gun-toting bird that gets up early in the morning to kill people?
Ant in Bath

Rare Says:

You shouldn't get me started on this sort of thing. What about:
Perfect Bark, a thrilling edutainment title based around the natural defences of the Douglas fir? Or Perfect Quark, an intense physics sim where you have to waggle your joystick to split the atom into smaller and smaller subdivisions? Or Pervert Dark, where... no, that's enough.

Right, ARSE!

It seems that while everybody at Scribes has been slagging off the Americans, you have forgotten about the most slagged off citizens in the world...the Irish! Being of the Irish breed myself, I feel completely left out by your negligence. It seems too much fun to be left out. After all, it's not just the Americans that are thick, we the Irish DEMAND more slagging. After all, it's in our heritage to drink ourselves to death with paint stripper (after all our Guinness has ran out). I hope you will all join in a bit of banter and slag us off like there's no tomorrow (although there probably will be...a tomorrow that is). If you've watched Father Ted at all, then you will know just how thick we are ("oh, right Ted!"). Of course who could forget all those Paddy Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman jokes...ah! those were the days (ever notice how a Paddy American was never invented. Strange that).

Anyway, you finally reveal a DK64 screenshot, about time too. When can we expect another batch of delicitable screenshots? And will the Perfect Dark team take up any of the suggestions made by the readers of N64 Magazine (for some of them were rather good). Keep the good work up guys (especially in the PAL optimumisation department), and is there a release date for JFG yet?

Rare Says:

Thanks for the praise regarding the "optimumisation" (snigger) and "delicitable screenshots" (chortle). But no, I'm afraid we can't comply with your heartfelt request for a nationwide slagging. Company policy and all that. But I'm sure there are plenty of selfless Scribes readers out there who'd be happy to lend a hand if you ask nicely.

Dear Scribes,

In the February 11th edition of Scribes, you described Rubee as "a drunken yob who reeks of urine, and he's fired." Now, at the top of the page, sits Loggo, the dirtiest toilet ever seen in a video game. Are you saying that you prefer the smell of both urine and feces to the smell of just urine? You should be more cautious when you make personnel decisions, because I believe that Rubee could easily win a lawsuit against you in this case.

Thank you for your time.
A concerned citizen

Rare Says:

Whoops. You see, I get so preoccupied with trying to fit an entertainingly vulgar slice of abuse into a single line of text that I forget to check it over for trivial things like logic and relevance. Then again, it's not as if I said "Rubee reeks of urine, but Loggo carries with him the fresh scent of summer pine", so the judgement stands. He was fired because I got bored with him.

Dear cheery Rare types,

So, have you played Smash Brothers yet? I was just wondering if HAL asked you if they could put any of your...erm... Unique creations in? Seriously, don't you think that Banjo and his sarcastic red chum could kick arse (there! I said it!) much better than Jiggly-bleeding-Puff. (For those who care, the ubiquitous pink powder puff -insert joke here- Pok�mon is a secret fighter, if you can really call singing at people fighting). Then again, how 'bout Conker reprising his evil, I-am-the-spawn-of-Satan role as a final boss... Just think about the potential for evil-eye hypnotic moves... hmm...

As for your slightly disturbing obsession with Peer Schneider's arse, here's the next best (or worst, depending on your point of view) thing. Since I'm not the sort to go around taking snaps of German IGN employees' posteriors, you'll have to make do with a pic of Reinhardt Schneider from Castlevania's botty instead, enclosed as a tasteful JPEG. I'll have salt and vinegar, if the Rare crisp machine is willing.

[Missing image: reinhardt.jpg (Reinhardt Schneider being from the N64 Castlevania games) "Reinhardt Schneider's unnecessary arse"]

One last plea: Please, please, don't make Lupus turn into a tank that looks like it belongs in Noddy. Just take the enormous dog-head off of the front and let us have some good old Dominion Tank Police-style shenanigans. What's that? Shenanigans? I'll get my broom...
The Cussing Snake
PS - Diss the Puss? Never. I cuss the Puss bad.

Rare Says:

Don't cuss the Puss, man. You are the skank.

You're not really expecting me to go rashly awarding crisps to everyone who sends in a picture of any old Schneider's arse, are you? It's a decent effort, I'll grant you, but you'll have to work harder than that for your salt and vinegar Discos. Especially as the owner of the arse in question says he won't cough up the goods if that's all we're offering.

We got the opportunity to have a look at
Smash Bros.' polygonal DK in action before the game was released, but there was no involvement beyond that...

Hey jerks at Rare,

You named a swami-type-person-midget-thingy after OUR currency?? HYRULE'S CURRENCY??!?!! YOU SCREWY LITTLE MOBLINS!!! *takes a deep breath* A green rupee is worth about a "dollar", a blue one is worth 5 rupees, a red one is worth 20 rupees, a purple one's worth 50, and a gold one's 200 rupees! NOT MIDGETS, NOT $$$, NOT ARSES, R-U-P-E-E-S! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!!! *lets out a long, deep sigh*
P.S. What's a moblin, you ask? Here, I looked it up in Encyclopedia Hyrulia: Moblin(N) a pig-like giant that roams the Lost Woods.

Rare Says:

Yeah, but his name's Rubee. Never mind, eh?


Just wondering if there are any cheats out for Perfect Dark yet?
Paul Headland

Rare Says:

We're actually working on 'Exist Mode' at the moment.

A LIVING ACORN?!? This is the villain? And he pops out of a cake? Does he perform at bachelor parties? Does he shake his money maker to no end? What kind of undersexed pervert thought of this idea?

Rare Says:

What kind of pervert immediately links big acorns with sex?

Given that God is infinite, and that the universe is also infinite-- Would you like some toast?

Rare Says:

Now where did I leave that 14lb lump hammer...

Everything I know about England I learned from watching Dr. Who and Mary Poppins. Does this give me an accurate view of British society? P.S. Where does one acquire a tardis?
An Unsophisticated American
Rare Says:

We've all got private Tardises, thanks to King Dick Van Dyke.

Goldeneye is the best game ever done after Lucasarst Tie Fighters.
Nicolas Bastien

Rare Says:

Genuine typo or damning corporate indictment? You decide.

I'm not impressed with the screen shots of JFG. It looks like some big homo queer game!
David Edwards

Rare Says:

Er, alright then. I'm sure you know what you're talking about.

Instead of Banjo-Tooie, wouldn't it be MUCH simpler (and less confusing) if you guys just called it Banjo-Ka2ie or Banjo-KaTOOie, KaTWOie, and such..? Oh god please don't put me in a Snippet...
Goodness Glacius!!!

Rare Says:

Sorry. And no, it wouldn't. Some people can't grasp anything.

I looked up with a domain name owner search, and it turns up that it's owned by the "Anal Research Society of England". Coincidence?
Nicholas Killewald

Rare Says:

This could be a case for Mulllder and Scullllleeeeeee...

Are u guys ever going to make a GoldenEye 2 even though there wasn't a movie called GoldenEye 2. And add Oddjob and MayDay and a few extra levels.

Rare Says:

There was a
GoldenEye 2, but idiots weren't allowed in.

Why won't you answer my letters???!!! Aw shoot. Looks like I just made it into the Snippets once more. All you do is condemn me to be mocked in the Snippets section. I should just not send this.

Rare Says:

You're probably right. On both counts. Hahahahaha.

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