Okay, so he might look like a mindless heavyweight killing machine with a penchant for extreme violence. You're just going to judge him by that, are you? Just going to assume he doesn't have a sensitive bone in his body? Well, how do you know he's not just a big kitten underneath all that berserker rage and brutality?
Maybe all he really wants to do is help people face up to their everyday Rare gaming problems, offer them a shoulder to cry on when they're trapped by a time limit or pleading for power-ups. So go on, ask him, he won't bite (and we'll pay for the damage if he does).
Dear Uncle Tusk,
Hey Tusk are you dead? It has been more than a month. I have some questions. When can I steal, I mean get a beta copy of GE from you dummys at Rarewhere? If you are from England and ass is arse then why on the main page did I see "it will hurt your ass till it bleeds"? Can I have money?
Wayne Thompson
Uncle Tusk replies:
"Row your ass". Get it right - you're just making it sound filthy. It was actually a quote from sporadically amusing Eddie Murphy film The Golden Child, so I'm told. No, I'm not dead, I just like to stall writing this column for as long as possible because people like you give me a headache. There is no 'Beta GoldenEye'. Please shut up about it. I'm asking nicely - next time I'll be asking with the assistance of a monkey wrench. You can "have money" if you're still capable of requesting it after that, 'Wayne'.
Dear Uncle Tusk,
Hello there... I'm gonna take a guess at the 2 unmentioned games that you haven't told the gaming public, that your company is secretly working on.
1. BATTLETOADS 64 AND 2. Another KILLER INSTINCT game
Since Rare is now making "cutesy" games like Conker's Quest, why not "RE-INTRODUCE" BATTLETOADS (the famous arcade game). I know that a lot of people would love to see it reincarnated on the N64 console. What do you think?????
Willie
Uncle Tusk replies:
I think you need to cut down on the multiple punctuation and random capital letters, you hyperactive baboon. How's Battletoads "cutesy", anyway? Oh, and congratulations on the startling inaccuracy of your guesswork.
G'day Tusk,
You P C C L D (ie: Phat Cracking Chicken Licking Dude).
I have a question about Perfect Dark, and if you be sarcastic, smart, or plain old foolish I will have no other option other than to kick your un-decorated "arse" (Dammit).
1. Will Perfect Dark have a better frame rate than Goldeneye, not that I'm complaining, just that very "few" levels had a sluggish movement and got annoying sometimes, especially when you're trying to get perfect scores! (head and arse shots) he he...
2. Will it use the 4mb Expansion pak?
3. I know what you'se did last summer....
David Giles
Uncle Tusk replies:
You're clearly an idiot. I'm going to have to fob this one off on the GoldenEye designer.
"1. No. We got frightened when it was too fast so we made it slower until it reached a speed we could cope with.
"2. See reply in March 30 Scribes with reference to unseemly violence/personal appearances at Manor Park.
"3. Who, me? Or Tusk? Or Leigh? If you mean me, then news of my glandular fever must have got further than I thought."
Hey there Tusk,
Congrats on your move to the new Rare HQ. Anyway, I was just writing to ask if the Perfect Dark team has spent any time on the multiplayer levels for PD. If so, will there be any sniper spots for us to sit in, because my one complaint is that there weren't a lot of places you could snipe from without having people run up behind you. Now granted that was probably on purpose, but it would be nice to have a few. Ugh, so long to wait for PD... Hey, when will you guys let out more information on Perfect Dark, you know something to get us through the long cold nights (I live in Minnesota, we're freezing our arses off). Hmmm... That's it, thanks!
Jeffro
Uncle Tusk replies:
"At least one of the multiplayer backgrounds will be specifically designed for sniper rifles. At least one will also be designed for the weapon which is even better..."
The designer started waggling his eyebrows when he got to that last bit. I don't know what that's supposed to mean. Maybe he's working on a gun made of hair?
Dear Mr. Uncle,
I recently read the Tepid Seat and now I have a question about Jet Force Gemini, plus some others.
1) Is Tiptup the hidden character in JFG?
2) What is your favorite game (besides KI)?
3) Are you always sharpening an axe when answering cries for help?
4) Why aren't you in an asylum? I mean, you need anger management or something. Plus you dress weird. And your name is weird. And you carry around an unsheathed sword. Have you accepted your problem? Are you seeking help?
Thanks.
Moxoo7@aol.com
Uncle Tusk replies:
1) Now, come on. That'd be far too obvious.
2) Well, at the moment I'd have to say KI3, which is definitely in production here, of course. There's no sense in denying it any longer. Every last person on the Rare staff, whether they're a programmer, gardener or cleaner, is currently working 23 hours a day to get it finished: and every other screenshot, preview and render on the site is part of the whole shameful cover-up.
3) Not always, no. It's just that I seem to find much more use for hand-held weapons when answering my mailbag.
4) It's not me who needs help. You try dealing with some of the gibbering fatheads who write in every day and then come and talk to me about 'anger management'...
Dear Uncle Tusk,
In DKR I have beaten the game in Adventure mode, and got 47 gold balloons. When I go to the screen where the options are: Adventure, Adventure two and Tracks, I click Adventure two, and enter a new screen. Here I can click on three different files. One with 47, one with 27 and one with 10 balloons, but when I try to click one of these files, only an ugly sound comes. I can't click on any of the three files. If you know why I can't play Adventure two, please tell me.
Scott Conradi
Uncle Tusk replies:
According to DKR's Man in the Know, it's because Adventure Two works as an separate game and automatically tries to save to a new slot when you first start playing. But if you've already got three saved games from Adventure One, it can't do that. So go back to Adventure One, empty one of the save slots, then give Adventure Two another try. That ought to sort you out. Er... thicky.
Dear Uncle Tusk,
My name is Mark Eslick. I need help! My brother has Zelda and Zelda Guide book. In the back of the book there is a lot of cheats for Banjo-Kazooie and I wanted to know if you could send me some papers how to find all the spell books (Cheato). I found "BLUEEGGS", "REDFEATHERS", AND "GOLDFEATHERS". If you could send me some maps of where the other spell books are I will be glad.
Mark Eslick
Uncle Tusk replies:
You won't be getting any gladness from me, pal, because I'm not sending you any damn maps. Do you know why? No, it's not just because you're a gibbon - it's not even because you've forwarded this letter to me so many times that I'd be more inclined to kick your head in. No, the main reason is this: there aren't any other Cheato locations. As any other person who's ever played Banjo-Kazooie could have told you. The rest of the codes are either combinations of those three or secret ones that we released ages ago. Now sod off.
Dear Uncle Tusk,
Just a few Killer Instinct-related questions...
1. Did you REALLY marry Maya at the end of KI2? If so, how's the marriage going?
2. I was just reading through the "Uncle Tusk" archives when I came across a letter about Jago's spirit move in KI2. Well, since it concerned KI (and Jago *sigh*), I had to read on. One line from your reply stood out from the rest: "It's a Jago-only thing - only a big wuss like him would bother with that sort of rubbish, and he wasn't even given the chance in KI Gold." "Big wuss"?! Why speak that way about Jago? What has he ever done to you to deserve that sort of treatment? Some sort of rivalry going on between you two?
3. Does Jago have any romantic interests?
4. If not, is he looking for a girlfriend?
Thank you for your time, Uncle Tusk! ^_^
~K (Jago's #1 female fan)
PS - I think you're very handsome as well, but since you might be married... I don't want to make Maya mad or anything.
Uncle Tusk replies:
1. Yes I did, though I don't like to talk about it much. Maya's been working on her kicks, and her idea of 'protection of privacy' usually leaves me unable to sit down for a week.
2. Rivalry? Not particularly. I just didn't think anyone saw him as anything other than a big wuss.
3. I wouldn't like to comment - not that I'm too polite or anything, just that some of the rumours I've heard are too unsavoury to print here...
4. Why are you asking me? Do you think he's got his eye on Maya or something? Well, I'm sure she can look after herself - if he goes anywhere near her, he'll be staggering away with his voice boosted to an octave well beyond the range of human hearing.
Dear Uncle Tusk,
Sean Williamson:
4:13??? 4:13??? 4 BLOODY 13???
I would understand if you missed the time limit by a few seconds... I would have shook my head in bewilderment if you missed the limit by over a minute... but a time of 4:13? What the hell are you doing in the level?
People like PAUL... they only come at night (or the net) eh? WHO IS THAT GULLIBLE? I have never met ANYONE who would take some kid's claims of playing Goldeneye 2 (or any other obvious lie) SERIOUSLY.
And another thing... (this is more relevant to the Mailbag but...) WHY are these bloody Americans trying to use BRITISH WORDS? It really annoys me when I read "arse", "b*ll*cks", whatever, written from some American. Face it, you USA'ers, you're stuck with a stupid boring culture and "hilarious oddball comedy" such as Friends and Ally McBeal. (I admit Duckman and The Simpsons are rather amusing however.) Watch THE FAST SHOW!
Stu
Uncle Tusk replies:
I'm not saying I know anything about contemporary TV comedy, obviously, that'd just be anachronistic, but apparently none of the stuff you've mentioned is particularly amusing. Whatever happened to other social pursuits such as, well, fighting? Come on, there's nothing funnier than tying some big bruiser's legs round his neck, swinging him round by his hair and throwing him off the roof of a very tall building.
We've been awaiting a response from Sean Williamson, but it seems that he's recently become too crap to even operate a keyboard.
Dear errr..."Uncle Tusk",
Such wit and verve you have! And such vocabulary too! Why... when I played Killer Instinct Gold on my N64, I could've sworn the only words you spoke were dah-dah-DAAAAAAAH! Unless of course, you're not the REAL Uncle Tusk. (hmmmm...)
Anyway, on with my cry for help, Uncle Tusk (IF, that is indeed your real name). A few days ago, a friend of mine mentioned the possibility of playing Goldeneye Multiplayer with each player viewing his own screen. When I asked him how such a concept is possible, he mentioned that little electronic "trick" where you have a bunch of TVs showing different parts of a larger picture, and when connected, they seem to create a "Giant TV".
I seem to recall such a display in a trendy clothing shop years ago and was wondering if such a thing would be possible. (i.e. dividing the picture of Goldeneye into four separate parts and giving each individual player their own "screen"-so to speak). Because, after all, It sucks when your opponents know how much health you have left.
Uuuhhh... thanks and shtuff,
Robert Tugaoen
Uncle Tusk replies:
The designer says: "Smack the cart against the wall a few times. Almost certain to work. If it doesn't, hold the cart against the wall and then smack your head against the cart. Or buy a signal separator thingy."
I think we need to add a disclaimer here. If you do actually try any of these things and knacker your cartridge as a result, don't even think about trying to pin the blame on us. It's your own fault for being unbearably dense, and I don't want to get any notches in my sword from repeated contact with your stupid head.
Dear Uncle Tusk,
Will you be coming out with Banjo-Tooie? If you are please tell me.
SoccorDog@aol.com
Uncle Tusk replies:
Coming out? Let me get this straight - you're asking me if I intend to use the publicity generated by the release of Banjo-Tooie to get more media coverage for the announcement of my homosexuality? Well, let me tell you - even if I do, it's none of your business. Ducky.
Alright Uncle Tusk?
Having accessed everything possible in Goldeneye, I was wondering if it was possible to achieve a time of under 40 seconds on the Dam level, Agent difficulty? You see, in various magazines, I have seen names of people that have achieved times of around 38 seconds. I've only managed 59 seconds, using the trick which allows you to strafe faster. Would they be using a Game Genie/Action Replay, or is it actually possible in the game?
Also, what was the point of the cheat system, if you can only use them on levels that you have already finished? Admittadly, some of the cheats are cool in multi-player, but that's about it. The only other use for them, seems to be debugging. Where glitches seem to appear mostly when various combinations of cheats are activated? How about a cheat system where one cheat must be gained, to be used in another level, helping you in accessing another cheat?
Finally, who does the translating of games into Japanese at Rare? I know Dan Owsen at NOA, does the translating for NCL's games, but what about Rare? You see, I'm taking japanese lessons at the moment and was wondering if a talent like that would be useful (or changing Japanese text into english). A reply on your site would be appreciated.
Andrew Mills
Uncle Tusk replies:
Definitely another one for the masochistically helpful GE designer...
"I've just done the Dam on easy in 36 seconds. So nur. But that was using the 'fast' cheat. Anything under a minute unaided is nothing to sniff at.
"The point of the cheat system is to inspire the player to go through the levels acquiring cheats by beating the time limits. The reason that you cannot progress through the game by using cheats is because the game doesn't work that way. You earn them and you then use them on the levels you have already played to prevent them from becoming old quite as quickly. If you could use one cheat to complete all of the levels then how satisfying would that have been? Would people still be playing the game after a year and a half? Would people still be playing it after the half an hour it would take to play the game to the conclusion? If you think so then you're wrong, and you owe me a pint now I can drink again after the glandular fever (qv).
"Japanese translation is done by actual real actual Japanese people. Reason being they tend to be better at it. Our genuine Japanese translators are supplied fresh from NCL and NOA, so emigrate to either of those countries and apply for a job at the relevant corporation. After you've bought me that pint. Enville Ale, for preference."
Hi Uncle Tusk,
On the link to the new games section there is a chicken in a plane!! What game is this character from he seems very similar to the chicken in the cartoon, about a bunch of farm animals, all I can remember is one of the animals is called Orson!!
Is this some game in the works?
Or am I completely wrong and he's just from an older game I haven't seen b4??
A reply would be greatly appreciated,
Chris (your game loving counterpart from downunder)
Uncle Tusk replies:
A farm? With an animal called Orson? My colleagues suggest that you may possibly be thinking of Orson's Farm. The chicken in the plane is called Drumstick, and he's from a game which revolves around a broadly similar theme of animals racing around in high-speed vehicles. It's called Diddy Kong Racing. I wouldn't surprised if you hadn't heard of it, we've only got several hundred mentions of it around the site and it's only sold a modest few million copies so far. Now stand still - I need to line up this sledgehammer with your head.
Dear Uncle Tusk,
I for one would like to PRAISE the amount of difficulty and frustration that comes with mastering Goldeneye. For all those wanna-be James Bonds out there, giving us the codes and the 007 mode to master is how we distinguish people like you, a barbarian among barbarians, from little girls who cry about how hard 00 Agent mode is and how they can't beat the Facility in 2:05. Perfect Dark should be exactly the same... Agent mode for the little girls and 00 Agent for people like Tusk. And I'd also like to mention that those hated codes, those idiotic absurdities that can be easily sidestepped with the Girly Man's GameShark, is the best innovation in gaming history. When you try to beat a code... you become James Bond. James Bond doesn't walk around like a little girl systematically killing every bad guy the easiest way possible so he can safety walk around. NO!!! James Bond is one crazy motherfu***r!!!! He's resourceful!!! And he has style. Wanna be like James Bond? Just imagine when you're playing Goldeneye these simple rules and you too can be just like 007:
Ever see James Bond get shot? No, so if you do, you have to start over (you heard me, unless you have body armor and then it doesn't really count)
Use every weapon in your arsenal, even if you don't have to.
If your accuracy is below 50%, do the level over.
Every code (except the Facility and the Archives) should be beaten by at least 30 seconds (and don't forget not to get shot).
You must have at least 5 head shots at the end of every level (preferably 10).
You must catch at least 3 guns of bad guys IN MID AIR every level.
All your friends, upon watching you play, should have a sudden urge to get some popcorn and put on some 3-D glasses.
You must have every code.
You must be able to beat the Facility, the Silo, and the Archives on 007 mode with no codes and enemy reaction and accuracy at 100%.
Are you writing this down all you Goldeneye fans who thought beating the Egypt level on 00 Agent was enough? If you are able to do all those things, you are a true Goldeneye master. If not, keep practicing. Perfect Dark is just around the corner.
Aaryn
Uncle Tusk replies:
"It's nice to know that people still know how to adapt and have fun with the formats of games," said the designer as he edged towards the door nervously.
Personally, I don't see the point when the only reward you could possibly hope to get is the appreciation of Mr. Anal who sends these things in.
Dear Uncle Tusk,
I need some help on DK3, there is this code you type in 'WATER' and you are supposed to get 85 coins, but you have to go behind the waterfall to get them, well my question is what waterfall do you go behind to get them... could you please tell me EXACTLY where to go to get them? And Funky Kong is supposed to be making this awesome vehicle for me but I need like 41 DK coins just to get it, is there any way to make it easier... And what is the vehicle? THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THE HELP!
Josh
P.S. I went over to a friend's house and played Golden Eye on N64 it was the best game I ever played in my life [I am trying to save up enough money to get a 64 and that game]... Oh and is there any chance of a sequel and I don't mean Perfect Dark all my friends said it would be awesome and they would buy it just because how good Golden Eye was...
Uncle Tusk replies:
Stop blabbering, man. You're making a fool of yourself. Look, here's some sage words from the DKC3 designer to (hopefully) shut you up.
"Start a new game and enter the code WATER in your name, now when you start the game properly and Dixie jumps into the lake and climbs up onto the island, come straight back out and jump back into that lake. Now swim to the top left area where you will see the waterfall that you need to go for your 85 coins, after a little test of skill of course...
"As for the DK coins, sorry matey, you're going to have to find them all yourself, although Nintendo Power's guide will tell you where - you big potential cheat!"
Dear Uncle Tusk,
In the March 4th edition of Ask Uncle Tusk, a guy called Nate was angry that you couldn't completely kill Baron Samedi in the Egyptian Temple level of GoldenEye 007. If it helps ease his pain, I have a solution.
Right before you enter the final room to kill him (the room with the giant silver pillar), switch your controller setting to 2.3 Domino. Walk into the room and dispose of the Baron. When the ending sequence kicks in and Samedi is standing there laughing at you, press the Z button on the 2nd controller. Who's laughing now?
Jim the Evil Postman
PS - Ha, ha, ha! Sean Williamson sucks! I can't help but wonder what his best time for the Facility is on 00 Agent. BTW, I doubt anyone can beat my record for it. My best time is a whopping 1:21.
Dear Uncle Tusk,
Believe it or not, it's entirely possible to do exactly what Nate suggested; kill Baron Samedi as he's standing there laughing in the end sequence! If you set the controls to Domino (It's the one that has you firing with the Z Button on the Second Controller) a strange glitch occurs. Since the end cinema sequences only are affected by the first controller, you can still use the second controller! Thus, if you end the level while still using the Domino settings, and have the Golden Gun in your hand, you'll still be able to fire. The gun won't show up, but you will hear a gun noise, and see the mark it makes on the wall, or if you wait and fire while Baron Samedi's standing there laughing, you'll shoot him, making him go into a death sequence and die! After that, all you see is a shot of the temple that was behind Samedi, but then, the cool part was watching Samedi laugh, then suddenly just keel over anyway! (Plus the fact that you can kill Samedi 4 times in one level.) If you don't believe me, try it for yourself.
Mr. Graves
Uncle Tusk replies:
"Well, damn. I liked the trail of mines idea that someone had."
So says the designer, who's not usually quite so violent. Perhaps I've fed him one too many witless reader questions this month.
No comments:
Post a Comment