Tuesday, October 12, 1999

Ask Uncle Tusk: October 12, 1999

Ask Uncle Tusk

Okay, so he might look like a mindless heavyweight killing machine with a penchant for extreme violence. You're just going to judge him by that, are you? Just going to assume he doesn't have a sensitive bone in his body? Well, how do you know he's not just a big kitten underneath all that berserker rage and brutality?

Maybe all he really wants to do is help people face up to their everyday Rare gaming problems, offer them a shoulder to cry on when they're trapped by a time limit or pleading for power-ups. So go on, ask him, he won't bite (and we'll pay for the damage if he does).

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October 12, 1999

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Here are some fine questions for you to answer.

1: Will PD have a smooth framerate? This is extremely important to a game's playability and I don't care if you have to throw in the expansion pack. Give us a decent framerate! I know that JFG suffers from this problem.

2: Since we all know that you guys love StarWars, isn't it time you contacted Lucasarts and developed one? Come on, it would sell 100 million copies straight away?

3: What happened to your "older" characters? I mean Rare wouldn't have gotten to its position today if it weren't for the Battletoads for example. What happened to those frogs? We are many who wants them back. I mean nothing forces Rare to make ONLY cute platform games. And why not a Cobra Triangle game? (Think
WaveRace64 with speedboats, seamonsters, rockets and terrorists.) Snake Rattle 'n Roll had a bunch of fans too. And RC Pro Am is still one off my all time favourites.

4: Why did they make agent: Perfect Dark a girl? Not that I don't like it but why? Did you try to make some sort off Lara Croft clone or did you want to make something different than Bond? I know a lot off people would have preferred a Solid Snake kind off hero.

5: I liked the levels in Bond when Natalya and you cooperated like the jungle level. Will such things be in PD too? One off the greatest things about Starwing/Lylatwars is that you get the feeling that you belong to a team and that you help each other out. Imagine the other agent covering you while you run towards the enemy's hideout.

6: I would like to see more close combat weapons such as knifes and thin "strangling" lines for silent kills. Play "Tenchu" on Playstation to get the idea?

7: What kind off music will PD have? "Spy" music like Bond or perhaps classic like Starwars? I would prefer something like Bladerunner or The Fifth Element to give the game a more darker, epic feel. Since Joanna travels around the globe on a big adventure and unfolds a mystery off some sorts I think that would be suiting.

8: I love the sinister AI in Half-Life. I would like the enemys to sneak up on you and launch stealth attacks. I mean to always surprise the enemies can get a bit boring after a while.

Ok. Thanks for yer time.
Kid Cool.

Uncle Tusk replies:
And how many people call you 'Kid Cool', exactly? Wouldn't be just you, would it?

1. Enough people took issue with the framerate in GoldenEye to make the team prioritise it for PD. And as it happens JFG's framerate isn't half as bad as some wusses have made it out to be - it was certainly never considered a major problem here during development.

2. 100 million, eh? Fancy a job as an industry analyst, boy genius?

3. Nothing 'happened' to them. They're always there if we get really stuck.

4. That's because they have no imagination - believe me, I know how vicious women can be. By the way, the word is 'of'.

5. The scope of your imagination leaves me reeling.

6. You'd rather we ripped off someone else's game ideas than came up with our own?

7. 'Spy' music? With a sci-fi theme? That'd be ridiculous. Our idea of remixing a selection of classic Black Lace party numbers seemed far more appropriate.

8. Thanks for sharing. Now get out of here before I lamp you one.

* * *


My 7 year old son and I are stuck trying to defeat the swamp fiend. We can't appear to defeat him by shooting, hitting or stomping. Can you provide me information on how we can defeat this fiend?

Peter Overas

Uncle Tusk replies:
Being 7 years old is one excuse. What's yours? Look, it's simple: get your psychotic squirrel up close to the shadow that shows where the boss is lurking, dodge the hand as it breaks the surface, then quickly stomp it while it's out in the open and vulnerable. What could be simpler? Apart from you.

* * *

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Firstly I'd like to say that I don't mind waiting for Perfect Dark to be released as I know that you usually delay games for a good reason that benefits the games player. Also releasing it in April is a killer move as there are never any good games out then so it will clean up. Ignore all the abusive mail (usually from Americans who wouldn't know English if you hit them over the head with a copy of Roget's Thesaurus) and just keep doing what you do best which is make great games.

Ok enough sucking up. I have a couple of questions about Donkey Kong 64.

1) The game is set to retail for £60 English sterling with the expansion pak. As I already have an expansion pak (an official Nintendo one) will the game also sell without one for people like myself for the normal £40?

2) I heard that when playing the game you will be able to unlock the original arcade version of the game so is this true, and if it is do you have to go back to the same place every time, or is a new menu available on the start screen?

Thanks for your time,
PS. When will we see some screenshots of someone who has mapped their face into Perfect Dark?
PPS. May I suggest that you be the first victim errr.... volunteer for this.

Uncle Tusk replies:
Fantastic logic there. Like releasing a decent game at any time of the year other than Xmas is just unheard of. Sigh.

1) Dunno. Not our area, mate. We just concentrate on getting the games finished while Nintendo handles the business side of things. So we'll all have to wait and see.

2) You have to go back to where you find the arcade machine, obviously. Otherwise it wouldn't fit in with the gritty realism prevalent throughout the rest of the game.
PS. How should I know? Waiting until the game's out would be a start.
PPS. May I suggest that you be the first volunteer to run into my fist.

* * *

Dear Uncle Tusk,

As you can see, I'm really looking forward to when Perfect Dark comes out, and I want that game to be Perfect, and I know that you do not have the power to make things come true in PD (that, is the programmers job). So I want you to go and get someone from the Perfect Dark/Goldeneye team, and answer this questions (please, I beg you! This is my second letter to you, and you didn't reply on my first letter, and it would be very bad for you if you forgot this letter):

1. How many levels will there be in Perfect Dark? Will there be more or less levels than in Goldeneye? Will there be secret levels?

2. Can you make the Rare logo appear on some of the weapons and gadgets? It would make the game even better.

3. Is there some kind of a minigun in the game? Like the one in "The Matrix" movie?

4. Will there be a 3rd person view, like in "Metal Gear Solid" (it was for the PSX)? Can you make it so that the game changes to a 3rd person view when you are standing with your back against the wall, and there's a guard around the corner? And then, the game switches back to the 1st person view when you're running towards the guard! :)

5. Will there be secret spots on the levels? A secret room where Mr. Pants is sprayed on the wall would be pretty funny.

That's all folks, and please, answer this somewhere important. And just to keep this letter long, I've added an idea about how to make the jump feature available:

You see, when you are standing still, the "R" button on the controller is for aiming, right? And when you are running, the "R" button changes to be a jump button. How is that possible? You might ask, but since the game is released after the 3rd world war, you will have plenty of time to make this feature available. And remember, from Goldeneye, when you ran forward, the "R" button did slow you down when you pressed it, in Perfect Dark, you can jump with it! You can also jump sideways, instead of leaning around the corners like you did in Goldeneye. You run sideways either pressing Left-c or Right-c, and while holding one of the buttons, you press "R", and then you make a Tomb Raider style of jump sideways, and in the 1st person view, the whole screen will roll around! That would be awesome! And while jumping, it's easier to avoid being shot by guards, and the multiplayer would be as fun as well! But you will have the choice to have it on or off.

Well, I hope I gave you Rare people some ideas to make Perfect Dark better, and it's all up to you to print this letter, and show it to the Perfect Dark project manager.
0yvind Soroy, Norway

Uncle Tusk replies:
"You can have it on or off", eh? Always nice to be given the choice. But anyway. You do realise that should PD get delayed again, it'd be all your fault for expecting the designer to take time out from his furious schedule just to answer your petty demands? Honestly.

"1) Somewhere around 17; work it out for yourself; play it and find out.

"2) Hard to see how, exactly.

"3) No, but there is one like in the
Predator movie. Or maybe there isn't.

"4) No. If we wanted to make the game intentionally confusing, we'd have the controls flip around at random moments.

"5) It's been done before..."
(No it hasn't. Shush. - Tusk)

"Get away with your jumping ideas. A gentleman walks wherever he goes. I can tell that you're one of those foreign types."

* * *

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I'll keep this short and to the point. First, Will the multiplayer drones in Perfect Dark be smarter than the ones in single player? Have the ability to circle strafe intelligently, work in groups, etc..

Second, will the drones view be shown on the screen, so there will still be a split screen? If so, that would really hurt.

And Jim the Evil Postman and WallEye both suck. 1:21 and 1:15 are slow. I got 1:05 and world record is 1:04, both with proof, no cheats.
P.S. Sean Williamson sucks.
P.P.S. Rareware rules!!

Uncle Tusk replies:
Oi! There's no getting away just yet, Designer Boy.

"1) No, they'll stand around dribbling, requesting beta GoldenEye cartridges until they're blown limb from limb by large explosions. We found this mode strangely satisfying.

"2) No.
"P.S. But he doesn't do it very well. Allegedly.
"P.P.S. I'll pass that one on to merchandising."

'Rareware rocks' would have been better. Particularly for pelting at idiots' heads.

* * *

Dear Uncle who I never visit,

1. Recently, it was hinted that Mr. Pants would make an appearance in JFG... What evil have you unleashed?

2. I think it was a good idea to delay PD, but what do you do, Tusk, to people who just won't stop whining about it?

3. Have you ever gotten a letter that DOESN'T contain the word "arse"?

4. Do you get "The Simpsons" on T.V. over there in Britain? (God help you if you don't know who the Simpsons are.)

Urkel (Paul Genge)
PS. Should I assume that Mr. Pants' last name is "Pants"? If so, then what's his first name?
PPS. I forgot to say "arse"... wait, no I didn't.
PPPS. I DO think that having people with names like 'Funkatator' write in is likely to prompt a sudden screenshot explosion from the Banjo-Tooie team.
PPPPS. Why do so many people send in letters to you that have a "PS"?

Uncle Tusk replies:
1. Don't blame me. Things just got out of control.

2. I ignore them, because they smell of urine and I'm above that kind of petty squabbling.

3. Not a good one, no. Mind, I've never got a good letter.

4. I would imagine even Lichtenstein gets that one.

PS. As if I'd tell you. That's the stuff competitions are made of.
PPS. Great. Thanks.
PPPS. You're clearly wrong, and stupid.
PPPPS. Because they think that by irritating me they may earn themselves a colourful description of whatever physical punishment I intend to exercise on their loathsome hides. And to be fair, they're usually right.

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Dear Uncle Tusk,

Now, I don't mean to be a knit-picker, but I have a few knits about the JFG team that I feel simply must be picked:

1. Juno has full body armor and a helmet. Vela has a short skirt, short sleeves, and no helmet. Wouldn't this make her more vulnerable in battle? And don't tell me she doesn't need a helmet because she's more 'headstrong'.

2. If those bootlaces of theirs are as high-tech as they look, then why do they come undone so easily? Or were Juno and Vela just careless when buckling them?

3. If Juno and Vela are twins, then how come their eyes aren't the same color?

I was planning on buying this game, but unless you can sufficiently clear up these apparent inconsistencies, I'm afraid I will have no choice but to... err... buy it anyway.
Jason Hunt
P.S. Oh, and one more question: Is Vela's hair naturally blue or does she diet?

Uncle Tusk replies:

1. How do you know she hasn't got titanium legs?

2. They're both far too hard to worry about that sort of thing.

3. I don't believe all pairs of twins necessarily have the same colour eyes, though I'm sure there's some smug pleb out there somewhere who'll be only too pleased to correct me on that score and earn him/herself a sound kicking into the bargain.
PS. Hey, you're the one who's obsessed with the length of her skirt, not me.

* * *

Hej Uncle Tusk,

I took the liberty to use a Swedish phrase instead of the common "Dear" and "Hi" phrases that you Britts use. Now to the point. I have a question about GoldenEye or rather a required confirmation about a "thing" in GoldenEye. Again to the point. In the Dam level when you are about to jump from the platform you should use your Sniper Rifle with maximum zoom and look at the mountain or the peak/top on the right side of you and move your sight up or down, you should then see that the mountain follows your movements. If you do this at the side of the mountain you can clearly see that a straight edge appears between the moving mountain and the "ordinary" mountains. But if you move too much up in the sky the mountain won't continue to follow you. Is it supposed to be like this or is it just a "programmers mistake"?

Would be happy to get an answer!
Martin Enmark

Uncle Tusk replies:
Is this all you have to do with your time? I mean, really? Let's see how the designer responds to being dragged away from the hectic last leg of PD's development to answer this most uncompromisingly useless of questions:

"What do you think? Do mountains normally do that sort of thing?"

Quite restrained really, bless him.

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Dear Mr. Tusk:

Since I unlocked all the multiplayer characters in Goldeneye a couple years ago, I have always chosen Scientist #2. No particular reason, I just always have. Now my friends won't let me play as Scientist #2, because they say it's shorter than the rest. I thought just Oddjob, Moonraker Elite #2, and Rosika were short. Can you give me a listing from shortest to tallest of all the players?

Thank you,
Bryan Chastain

Uncle Tusk replies:
No. I can ask the designer, but I wouldn't hold out much hope there either:

"If you experimented with setting up games, standing the characters together, then making a table of relative heights and consulting it whenever such disputes occurred, then you would get a far greater sense of achievement than if you simply read this reply to find your answer, partially because of pride in the work involved, and partially because I'm not going to tell you."

* * *

Hello... Tusk. It's been a long time... brother of mine.

Before you gasp, yes, I am Turok, your biological brother. I may be a polygon from Iguana and you from Rare, but you can't deny the truth. I am your brother.

Before you attempt to bash me, please realize that your sword is nothing compared to my Tek Arrows. And I can shove your head so far up your arse that you can't see the light of day. And I hunt dinosaurs, while you remain just killing humans.

But I'm not here to brag, I just wanted to tell you that the biannual family barbeque is coming up, and we are having an alligator wrestling contest, if you'd like to come. You can bring Maya, too.Besides, we have to see each other eventually, don't we????

Uncle Tusk replies:

You're not my brother. No brother of mine would ever use AOL. And no self-respecting alligator would lower itself to the consumption of AOL users either, which makes the whole alligator-wrestling gig a bit redundant. Thanks, but I think we'll pass. Though I might send Auntie Gertie round to bore you rigid with that story about the time she killed six T-Rex with a cocktail stick.

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Dear Uncle Tusk,

Can you please tell me the storyline of Banjo-Tooie. I think your website is awesome! I am about to pee in my pants waiting for Banjo-Tooie. I think this is going to be a legacy pair of video games!

Uncle Tusk replies:
No, go on, pee in your pants. Then we'll tell you the storyline, once we've all stopped laughing.

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Hello Mr. Tusk. Blimey. Limey.

I enjoy these "Brit" words. I use them sparingly, but with great pinache. Also, I find Rare's games positively "tittlating". By this I mean I have an unusual and life-interrupting attraction to GoldenEye. So naturally, I am very interested in a little title by the name of Perfect Dark. So what's my question? Will I beg you to tell my the TRUE release date? Will I ask a question possibly answered on up to 300 other occasions? No. I have a question I nont yet seen asked. And, hopefully, you will answer it. If this involves the belittling of my sentence structure, home land and/or personal hygiene, so be it. But I must know. In 007, the wake up spots in multiplayer were not random. So, my evil hearted friend went ahead and memorized the order. FUN. While in direct skill I might have the edge, he wins 80% of the time because just I press start, I hear the wonderful music, and my screen fills with blood. Oh freaking JOY. Seriously, Perfect Dark, random wake up spots? Yes? No? Please God? Thank you for your time and ability to tear up some of the less intelligent questions that come your way. Now, I must go and see if I can remember if it's bathroom then, chemical plant, or the other way around.

Mike "I mean really, random wake up spots, how hard could it be?" Velonas

Uncle Tusk replies:
Your effortless 'pinache' 'tittlates' me to the point where I feel obliged to force a response out of GoldenEye's designer:

"They were not supposed to work in a sequence in GoldenEye, but they appear to do so. This will not be the case in Perfect Dark."

* * *

Hey Tusk,

How dumb do you think your readers are? Surely, it's quite obvious that not everyone who writes to you is a scholar, but at the same time, we're not all idiots either. In your August 19th edition of Ask Uncle Tusk, you stated that Banjo-Tooie was never scheduled to be released in 1999. Hah! Don't make me laugh... oh wait, you already did. Anyway, Banjo-Tooie most certainly WAS scheduled for a 1999 release. If you think I'm going to hunt through your site for an old edition of Ask Uncle Tusk or Scribes just to prove you wrong, well... you're absolutely right. I have no life at all and I found this link to a Scribes in which it is said that Banjo-Tooie is set for, and I quote "its heartily generalised target zone of 4th quarter '99." The word "its" refers to Banjo-Tooie's. And before you ask, yes, that was the way that the word generalized was spelled in the response. Kind of ironic, since you guys always make fun of other people's spelling errors!

Here is the link. Just scroll down to the 14th letter, which starts off with the words "I'm sooooooooooooooooooo sorry," sent in by Amanda Schroeder.

Hey, you're Rare! You don't need to lie to get better publicity! Come on, put this on your site! What, no guts?

Uncle Tusk replies:
Alright, so maybe I should have said "hasn't been scheduled for 1999 for quite some time". As you say, you'd have to be pretty anal to go hunting through the entire Scribes/Tusk archive just to prove me wrong. At least I'm not so ignorant as to pass off any non-Americanised spellings as incorrect and invalid. Not quite as clever as we'd like to think, are we, fathead?

* * *

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Maybe we have been too hard on Sean Williamson. Maybe he's playing with an unnecessary self-imposed handicap. Perhaps we could pass along a few helpful suggestions to make sure he gets the best time he can.

1) Make sure the TV is on while you play the level. I can't stress how much of a difference this one makes.

2) Make sure there is nothing blocking your vision of the screen, like, say, a blindfold.

3) Judging from your best time, it might be helpful to note that your controller needs to be plugged in during the first 3 minutes of gameplay. Those three minutes are the most important ones. (Also note that if you use a 2 controller setup, it helps to have both plugged in.)

4) Make sure you are not heavily anesthetised while playing, as this slows your reflexes. All general anesthetics should be avoided, as well as local anesthetics in the hands.

5) The control stick is analog. This means that if you push it all the way forward, you move faster. You need to move faster than the slowest pace to beat 4:13.

6) The B button opens doors. That's the green one that says 'B' on it. Once you have this 'trick' down, you don't have to wait for the soldiers to open the doors before you can go through.

And a final level specific tip:

7) You need to break the window to leave. While in real life, you might, for all I know, routinely put your fist through plate glass windows, in this game, you have to shoot the window (multiple times--don't just shoot it once and wait three minutes for it to break).

By following these helpful suggestions, Mr. Williamson could easily get times under 2 minutes in the Archives that are still crap.

From the desk of the Head of the Society for More Effective Goldeneyeing

Uncle Tusk replies:
That's very sporting of you. Unfortunately, it seems Mr. Williamson either gave up on this fine site some time ago or simply changed his name to avoid being humiliated for his dazzling crapness. Should that be the case, we eagerly anticipate a hopeless letter from someone called 'Sean Milliamson'.

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Dear Mr. Felicity Tusk,

I am at my wits' end. I have walked across my entire town, scouring every shop and floor for the elusive Blast Corps and yet there seem to be absolutely no copies left... not even in Woolworths! What's going on? Has the £15-brand-new price tag caused a national shortage of the little badgers?

Since then I have been gasping for Rare... and even went so far as to purchase Conker's Pocket Tales. Tell me... what the hell is going on in that game? I walk around, acorns tell me where to go, I solve some simple puzzle and more acorns tell me where to go, I complete the game... and so on (or maybe not). It just isn't your style.

And because of CPT, may your letters be filled with a nonsensical 6 year old's plea to 'ComPleat Domkey kong Cuntry for teh SENS'. That was a curse, y'know.

Yours uncontrollably,
Greg of the Gravy

Uncle Tusk replies:

So even though it's "simple", you still don't know "what the hell is going on"? Pleb. Blast Corps is bound to be more difficult to find these days than it was on release years ago, simply because the production runs have long since stopped. Try the second-hand shops. Then write in asking how to delete the saved game on the cartridge, no doubt. Sigh.

* * *

Hey, Tusk.

I just noticed in the "Rare Today" section of this webpage, it describes Rare's facilities:

"Featuring fully landscaped grounds, a state-of-the-art internal climate management system and, vitally, much more free space to house the ever-increasing body of staff..."

So, how much does do the bodies of the staff increase on average? I mean, sitting around staring at a computer screen and coming up with game concepts (overheard: "Two squirrels! YES! THAT will catch the attention of today's serious gamer!") does not require much physical activity... how much does the staff size increase, in terms of S-M-L-XL-XXL?

Ah, I couldn't resist.

Uncle Tusk replies:
I bet you couldn't, you comedy genius. And keep that two squirrels thing to yourself, alright? We're not announcing it until next year.

* * *

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Hello to you, "my old soup spoon, my old silver tureen... my old elephant TUSK, my little green baize card table..." in the words of some (hopefully not forgotten) British writer.

Having nothing else to do until Perfect Dark comes out, I'm playing your most pants game to date, Blast Corps. And I am stuck on every mission that requires the use of the Sideswipe.

Not that I expect you to reply to that (that would be very boring indeed) but just to justify me sending you this letter. In fact, the real reason I sent you this letter is somewhat more devious: in the past, I once sent you a letter that didn't include any questions about tips for games - and you printed it! Customer service eat your heart out. So, now I'm banking on that fact in the hopes that you'll print this letter as well for your rapidly dwindling readership.

Oh all right, I'm lying. I really want to know how to do a few unusual things in Goldeneye: I'd like to be able to rip off Bond's arm and use it as a club, I'd like to be able to open the missile silo roof in the Silo mission, and I'd like to be able to activate the cheat for extra players (I got one code from the web, but it was a dud and didn't work). All of these are mentioned in the Rumour Mill for Goldeneye, and I don't know how to do them.

I'm probably sounding very ambitious in expecting you to answer these yourself, so why not just make a snide comment, post this letter up, and also include for the record that I'm happy to receive emails from other more accomplished Goldeneye players? Go on, and remember that I'm marking your response for wit, sarcasm, and vitriol.

Seriously though, anybody else out there care to enlighten me? My email address is always ready to receive. (Except Thursday evenings, when I'm out for sensuous massage and power tarot card readings.)
CdVile (cdvile@yahoo.com)

PS If this gets printed, I will A) not believe it and probably have a baby, and B) take back everything I ever said about men who wear poncey Y-fronts such as yourself.
PPS "There is a green hill far away / Without a city wall. / Where Badge-man shot at Jay-Eff-Kay / Atop a Grassy Knoll."

Uncle Tusk replies:
Even though only thick people still don't know how to get the extra GoldenEye characters, I'm not sure whether we've actually tackled it here before, so I'll indulge you. Thicky.

Get onto the character select screen, highlight the character furthest to the right (either Mishkin or Moonraker Elite, depending on whether or not you've earned the previous lot of extra characters), and enter the following:

1) Hold L & R shoulder buttons and tap C Left.

2) Hold L shoulder button and tap C Up.

3) Hold L & R shoulder buttons and tap D-Pad left.

4) Hold L shoulder button and tap D-Pad right.

5) Hold R shoulder button and tap D-Pad down.

6) Hold L & R shoulder buttons and tap C Left.

7) Hold L shoulder button and tap C Up.

8) Hold L & R shoulder buttons and tap D-Pad right.

9) Hold L & R shoulder buttons and tap C Down.

10) Hold L shoulder button and tap D-Pad down.

There you go. A load of Rare staffers and otherwise unused characters for you to slaughter in multiplayer. For all your other questions, just follow the Game Help link from the GoldenEye page and if you don't find what you're after within five minutes, let me know and I'll come round to bounce your head off the floor a few times.

[Arscribes note: since the “Game Help” link on the Goldeneye page just leads to the Gamefaqs page on Goldeneye, here it is, if you’re at all interested.]

* * *

Dear Uncle Tusk,

The other day we had small visitors to the house. The two year old flushed the plastic freshener (that's attached to the rim of the toilet) down the toilet. Since than the toilet is blocked. I've tried everything from sticking rods down to trying to flush it out with buckets of water. Can you suggest anything?

Kind regards,
Orla Richardson

Uncle Tusk replies:
Just sticking any old pole down the toilet's no good - if you don't have a handy five-foot broadsword readily available, as every household should, I'm afraid your only remaining course of action is to destroy your entire house with a wrecking ball, scour the smoking rubble for the offending item, then rebuild everything from scratch using only wallpaper paste and a box of plasters (sorry, 'band-aid').

* * *

Hiya Rare Legends...

('cept Tusk - Jago should answer these questions... Or Sabrewulf?!)

S.H is right - B-K does have a great soundtrack. We should be able to order the soundtrack CD off your site. And other promotional things. Where can I obtain the B-K soundtrack? I want it. No, really. Also, who thought up Mr. Pants? Why isn't he starring in a game? Mr Pants Racing? The Legend of Pants?

Super Pants 64? Pants Party? Perfect Pants? OK, I'll take my medication.

Just a couple of quick questions.

1. Any clues WHATSOEVER as to Banjo-Tooie's release date other than the "next year" you'll undoubtedly give me? (Early/Late next year perhaps???)

2. Perfect Dark's multiplayer had better be better than GE's. There'll be death and destruction all around if it isn't. (You'd be used to that!!!) So, is it? (BE honest.)

Oh, and by the way, Betty Brown's stupid question (AUT August 19) about not being able to get through the door was most likely (I'd bet my life on it) Zelda. Which isn't even a Rare game (Why not? We want a Rare RPG. Just not starring Loggo or some furry thing.) It sounds like a room inside the Deku Tree, and what
she has to do is light up a torch using a Deku Stick.Huge Goldeneye / Future Perfect Dark Fan

Uncle Tusk replies:
1. I'm saying nothing - the last thing I want is another bunch of idiots writing in at the beginning of January to say "Oooh, you promised us Banjo-Tooie would be out by now, ooh, I hate you etc."

2. Dunno. But I can't shake the nagging suspicion that if anyone knows how to improve on GoldenEye's multiplayer, it's likely to be the Perfect Dark team. "And Erik Estrada from
CHiPs," adds the designer unnecessarily.

* * *

My sweet Uncle Tusk,

First off, you guys have a grrrrreat site man! Anywho, my question deals with Rare beyond its N64 days. I'm sitting here, pondering of what spectacular eye-candy a Killer Instinct game woud look like on the Dolphin. I mean, it makes TOO much sense that RARE needs a visually arousing incredible game as their debut title for the Dolphin. I believe that the planets are aligned for Killer Instinct 3 to be RARE's debut title for next year. Why you ask? well, it would seem logical to me that RARE would need a game that would have an already established fanbase, and seeing how DK is coming out late this year, and

Banjo-Tooie is coming out next year... I don't see why RARE doesn't get ambitious and go for the gold... er, go for the 3.

What do you think about this? Do you think we'll see a sequel to an already established RARE franchise as their debut title for the Dolphin... Battletoads? R.C. ProAm? Or will RARE be pulling a newborn rabbit out of its ass? Thanx for attempting to answer.

Peace, Love, and Trilinear Mip-Map Interpolation,
Tony "the" Nyger

Uncle Tusk replies:
I wouldn't put money on Battletoads or RC Pro-Am, but you're obviously going to see some of the established Rare characters and franchises carried over. Naming no names, because I haven't got any names to name - and if you don't believe that, I'll be more than happy to enforce it with violence.

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Dear Uncle Tusk,

I would just like to make you aware of a conspiracy that exists at Rare. It has come to my attention that Diddy Kong is inherently evil. I will present you with the most obvious proof first. This proof directly ties Diddy Kong to the communist party.

As I am sure you have noticed, Diddy wears nothing but red clothes. You might see this and say, "So, many people wear red clothes." However, I would direct you to the fact that Diddy has a star on the front of his shirt! Red... star, star... red, need I say more. The subtlety with which he shows his loyalty to his red brothers clearly proves his skill as a double agent for the KGB, which in fact is not dead as certain people would have us believe.

Let's think about the nature of the plot line for Donkey Kong Country 2. If you read the manual it implies that Donkey was kidnapped by the Kremlings (communist spies working out of the Kremlin). I find this very fact somewhat implausible. Donkey Kong pretty much single handedly defeated the Kremlings in the first game. Now all of a sudden he is easily captured by them. I don't buy this. Here is what I think happened. Diddy and Donkey were relaxing on a beach one day. Diddy most likely sent some type of a signal to his Kremling co-horts indicating the plot about to occur. Diddy then drugged the banana cocktail Donkey was most likely drinking, incapacitating the great gorilla. The amount of the drug that must have been used had to have been very large, given the massive bulk of Donkey. For Donkey not to notice that his entire drink was essentially a drug, had to have taken much experimentation and testing. Therefore I have come to the conclusion that Diddy had been in fact planning this for quite some time, no doubt with the help of his red Kremling comrades. With Donkey out of the way he has no problem taking over the game in his name and stealing all of the limelight for himself!

Something else I would like to point out is the tie that Donkey Kong wears. A tie has always been for me the traditional symbol, of hard work and capitalism. Diddy with his red... star shirt was without a doubt very jealous of his tie and therefore wanted revenge.

Finally, if all of the other proof did not convince you then this final piece of information will certainly open your eyes to the conspiracy. I bring to your attention the Donkey Kong family. If you will notice all of the members of the Kong family are Gorillas... except for Donkey's nephew Diddy! Clearly there is a great deal of brainwashing going on. The Communist conspiracy has brainwashed the entire Kong family in an attempt to allow Diddy to infiltrate this family. With all of this evidence I hope you can clearly see the conspiracy that has been going on for quite some time now. I would like to therefore respectfully request that Diddy Kong be removed from Donkey Kong 64 once and for all ending a communist conspiracy to overthrow our very way of life. Thank You.

Respectfully Yours,
Uncle Darth
P.S. I would recommend that you all go out now and put on tin foil hats. I don't think you're ready for the mind controlling tactics of the Battletoads yet! Just heed my warning!

Uncle Tusk replies:
Hey - I hardly ever bother wearing anything more than these furry pants and boots. Does that make me the Antichrist? I'm sure you could link it all together one way or another.

If you read the DKC2 storyline, you'll see that Diddy was off somewhere with Dixie when DK vanished, whereas Cranky had no such alibi - in fact he's seen to launch an unprovoked walking stick attack on DK not long before the big ape gets himself captured, making him... hang on. Am I really trying to defend a chimp against charges of communism? I wish I'd known this job would be so damn freaky before I took it.

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Dear Uncle Tusk,

Is it true that there is a mission after Egyption on Goldeneye??? I've read that it's called Eiffel Tower and you chase Mayday and she parachutes off a building. You also can watch the movie Thunderball right from the cartridge. Is this true??????????

The way to get this mission is you have to beat every mission again using ONLY the weapon you start with, which is impossible on Archives because you have to use a gun to destroy the windows and on Control Room you have to use mines for the mainframes. If you beat all the missions with only the weapon you start with, you then put the aimer over Egyption on the mission select screen and restart the console, then you have a choice to watch Thunderball and play Eiffel Tower. If you beat Eiffel Tower, you then get a mission called Woods, with Oddjob......IS THIS TRUE???????????? PLEASE answer!!!

I must know!!! And is there a mission simply called "Cuba"? Not Jungle, Cuba. I have a Gameshark code that when you select any mission with the code on, it goes to the objectives screen, but there's nothing there except the location of the mission, the name of the mission and it then freezes, what's that about? I've actually tried this, so something must be going on.......Thanx!!!

Uncle Tusk replies:
Please - don't thank me. You have nothing to thank me for. In fact thanking me is positively perverse, considering I'm on my way round to ram a filing cabinet up your arse.

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