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Dear Scribes,
Yes, we all had a good laugh putting scary Floyd at the top of the Scribes page. It took me a few hours of therapy to make it past the top of the page, ha ha Mr. Rare Man. But let's see who else is afraid of Floyd: Obviously, Floyd will remain evil and Mizar-like until JFG is released. Please see the attached clip scanned in from my local paper. People have gone as far to call Floyd a "Hurricane" of evil. His proplusion device has also been recorded as making winds up to 155 mph (312 hectacres per liter in metric). The Bahamas is in a state of emergency, and all of Florida has been evacuated. Floyd even went as far as to close down Disney World (similar to the Euro-Disney Empty Lot attraction near you) to make children unhappy. Also note the picture of Andrew Altee, knowing that Floyd likes to eat lifegaurds, and their stations. Also notice the quote, showing that residents can now only hope for divine intervention to save them from the "Rar"master.
The second page of the article (not scanned in), goes on to mention how Floyd's constant "Rar"ing (Floyd's "Rar" sounds something like a cross between Timber's "rAR" he makes when he gets passed and the Gruntling's "rarr" they make when they notice Bird/Bear hybrids) has caused many pets to run away in fear. It also mentioned that Rare was entering a strange promotion with Maytag, in the first ever promotion to cross the VideoGame-HomeRange barrier, with the Maytag Gemini (gemini.maytag.com).
ExoByte
I've no idea who Maytag are, which is probably for the best if that serial killer on their homepage is anything to go by.
Anyway, this is clearly all a big jolly jape on Floyd's behalf - he wouldn't hurt a fly really. Blow an ant to bits, maybe, but flies are alright. I mean, look, Geoff Pearce clearly knows the score: old Floydie's just having a laugh, pelting the fun-loving Bahamians with overripe fruit produce in an attempt to liven up their day. And what Mrs. Minnis actually said was "Only dog can save us now", meaning Lupus had joined in the fun by taking sides with the capering island residents. It's really quite straightforward.
Hello Mad Bad Dangerous to know Rarepeople,
So, PD yet again delayed, eh? Who'd have thunk it? Still if the game's going to be half as kick-ass as your screenshots show, April's fine (for me at least). April 2000, April 2001, maybe even April 2002 if need be (although whether or not anyone would buy it in preference for a Dolphin game is dubious). Seriously, forget the words of your detractors, knockers, and jeerers... make the game immaculate. After all, if we wanted something vapid, poor quality, and instantly-gratifying, we'd never have bothered with your cheats in Goldeneye... or indeed with Goldeneye at all. (And we'd probably all be eating Pot Noodles.) One little question, though: will the release date for the PAL version still be the same as for NTSC? In other words, will those of us living in YOUR home country, whose taxes go to feed YOUR monarchy have to wait even longer than the USside Rare fans? Please do tell.
A general question - does anybody know what PD stands for in French? I heard it meant "gay" in terms of sexuality, but what words does it stand for? Whilst I was travelling back to the UK, I happened to stop at Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris, and the airport staff there seemed less than helpful when I asked them what "PD" stood for. Anybody have any clue?
I completed Goldeneye Cradle 00 yesterday using nothing but two Klobbs. It was very difficult, and I believe the amount of time I spent in something so abjectly pointless illustrates the massive NEED and YEARNING and LONGING that the public has for GOOD GAMES for their consoles such as the NINTENDO SIXTYFOUR especially those done by ENGLISH COMPANIES such as RAREWARE. As opposed to the "oh here's another PC conversion by A B or C yawnaminute". Oh yes and I froze the game after completing Aztec level in a weird way (I placed a load of mines on the rocket tailfin and the endscene never materialized). Obviously an intentional fault, yes?
Could any of you tell me what Joanna Dark's favorite dish is? She looks like a pasta person to me, but I'd be quite happy to hear that she likes soups too. Does she have British or American tastes? (In other words, does she like frankfurters and absolutely despise sausages?) Cumberland sausage? Yorkshire pudding for the lady, sirs? Perhaps even spotted dick?
Anyhow enough crude prandial innuendo and rantings for the moment. Just a reassurance note from your gulli...- er, loyal, PD fans that April for us is "just groovy baby, yeah!!". Seriously, take your time. We love you for it.
BenjaminCJHu, Durham
PS Where do Juno and Vela appear prior to JFG? I haven't been able to find any other mention of them on your website, but maybe that's just me.
Hrrmmm. Can't help you with the PAL/NTSC release date thing, I'm afraid. We don't handle the distribution, so the ball's not in our court there, old boy.
The French meaning of PD? Let's ask Designer Boy: "Perfect Dark, I should hope. Anything else would be silly." Right. And, erm, Joanna's favourite food? "Oysters. Nah, only kidding. Curry."
PS They - oh, hang on, he wants to answer this one as well. Masochist.
"They're in GoldenEye; you have to put a load of mines on the rocket tailfin and destroy their ship, then they appear and hound you mercilessly for the rest of your existence."
Dear Scribes,
Having read some of the irrational musings of demented people in the previous Scribes [16/9/99], I feel the need to knock some common sense into these people.
1. Rareware is a business. Every business has a primary goal, and in Rare's case it's producing the best quality software possible. This goal is integral not only to the success of Rare but also Nintendo, who no doubt will be relying on the reputation of Perfect Dark to sell large quantities of their console. If Perfect Dark is released incomplete, the reputation of Rare AND Nintendo will be severely tarnished. Doesn't take a genius to work that out.
2. By releasing JFG, DK64, and PD in the same period, Rare's total sales *will* be reduced. Nintendo also needs a major product next year to compete with two brand new rival consoles. This may not be the reason for the delay, but it certainly makes a lot of sense.
3. Rare are working on a game that is theirs and theirs alone. They owe us nothing; in fact I would even suggest they owe us far less than some cynical game distributors who demand good money for absolute sh*te.
4. Asinine comments like 'I will come down there and beat the f**kin sh*t out of you' only give the local anti-games brigade something to use against us, and to be honest the thought of somebody like Mister 'suck me sideways' playing any sort of shooting game scares the crap out of me.
5. I can't believe I need to spell this one out, but here goes: Perfect Dark is just a game, people! Get over it! Go outside or something. I love games as much as anyone, and I would love to have played the complete PD this year, but I've the maturity to accept the fact that I don't have a God-given right to demand anything from Rare. It'll be ready when it's ready.
'Gards,
Adam D
Fair comment. As we keep saying, we'd like to think that a few months' delay here and there will do far less damage to our reputation in the long run than chucking out a string of halfhearted, unfinished games. Your whole 'delay for strategic hardware reasons' theory is a bit off, though - we just don't think about it in those terms. PD needed more time to be the best it could be, end of story.
As for your last couple of points, they're good, but far be it from me to suggest that some people take their gaming way too seriously...
Dear Scribes,
Is it just me, or does Mrs. Pie look oddly French? What originally tipped me off was that the color of her pie is the same color as France! But here is the problem. The very French Mrs. Pie is speaking English. And she looks like a prostitute.
The Ponyboy
P.S. Tell Mrs. Pie that I would like some of HER pie, if you get my meaning. Wink. Wink.
She looks French because my interpretation of a floppy chef's hat ended up looking more like a crap beret. I don't know where she's from. That's getting way too deep into the character for my liking.
Dear Scribes,
I think I've worked out the mystery pirate's name! If I am right it was a bit too easy, but if I'm wrong it's obvious that you set up the spelling and 'wildcards' to lead us off track. I think his real name is... Captain Blackeye, but it could of course be any of these too;
-Barmaln Boatlete (Rum-drinking, pub-dwelling, merry-time-having sea-dog)
-Wankarn Beacheze (Self-satisfied Hawaiian bum-of-a-pirate)
-Panzarn-Beakreke (Panzarn being the pirate and Beakreke being the disease ridden parrot in his booty bag)
I don't expect this to be publicly displayed because it could spoil the suspense for those who haven't worked it out, but a response of some form would be much appreciated.
Regards,
Karri Billing (a.k.a. Stryk)
Not leaving many stones unturned, are you? Mind, you did manage to avoid mention of Bahrain Beasteye the Arabian cyclops - not that that's in any way relevant, naturally. Or is it? Or... is it?
A commendable effort in general, anyway, though I hope you're not really expecting us to tell you whether or not you've hit the nail on the head. That'd be far too easy. We can get another couple of months out of this one yet, surely...
Dear Scribes,
A big congratulations to Nintendo's advertising department in the UK for getting the word arse into an Ad for the GameBoy in a magazine I read. Also Shadowman must get some sort of award for multiple uses of the wonderous arse word from the snake Jaunty. A round of applause to all concerned up there in Stockton on Tees. Setting the standard for the use of arse. Now that the gauntlet is down Rare must respond with a comedy character in Perfect Dark (you do have time after all) who says arse whenever they are hit. It could start a whole new trend...
Arsing Nintendo the new 128 bit machine. With Super Mario Arsination.
J. Edwards
I saw the Game Boy one too. Not bad, eh? It's never anything less than a treat to see arse being spread. No, hang on - that didn't come out right.
Dear Scribes,
During my first year of college, in between actually going to classes and studying and such, my roommates and I played a good deal of 007 deathmatch in lieu of sleep. Everything was alright at first, but eventually, one of my roommates started to develop some unusual habits. For example, whenever someone would choose Natalia as their character, my roommate would sort of stalk her. He'd just follow her around, hiding behind boxes, lurking under the stairs, etc. He used to focus his camera on her calves and mutter under his breath, "Ooh, sexy legs," (he has a German accent, so it's even more disturbing than it may seem) just before shooting her in the head. Also, whenever he successfully killed any character -- male or female -- he would quickly run up to the dead body before it faded out and, pointing his camera towards the fresh carcass and pressing the down C button repeatedly, "hump" it. This isn't even the worst thing he did, but it's the only thing that's related to a Rare game, so that's the end of the letter.
Matcross
P.S. My "friend" is not actually me, so don't go there.
We do appreciate these little glimpses into the individual deathmatch traits of the hardcore (cough) GoldenEye player. It's also quite therapeutic in its own little way - no matter what happens, it seems there's always someone out there less emotionally stable than yourself. Bless you and your deeply disturbed acquaintances, sir.
PS. The designer says: "But I bet you stopped sleeping with him pretty soon after that, eh?"
Dear Scribes,
I am really excited about DK64. I remember when DKC first came out. I begged my parents to get it for me for Christmas and I did get it. I had so much fun with the side-scrolling action and I can't wait for the 3-D version. November seems like so far away now, but I think I'll make it. I have a few questions about the game though. Will the Deathmatch mode in DK64 be first or third-perspective? Also, will the Cast of DK64, in Deathmatch, only be able to use their specific weapons (i.e. Diddy has Peanut Pistols)? And last, will other characters be playable in Deathmatch like Kremlings or something?
Danmoogle
Right then, let's see. Straight from the DK64 designer's gob come the following revelations: multiplayer mode will be third-person a la Jet Force, and while the main participants will be the five playable Kongs with their respective weapons, there'll definitely be a hidden Kremling contingent for the determined player to unearth. How does that grab you, buster?
Dear Scribes,
Your recent update gave me a fantastic idea for a game you should be developing - 'Scribe 64!' Sounds stupid I know, but hear me out (there's a new word for arse near the end, I promise).
One day, mild-mannered Mr Loveday is sitting in his Twycross office when out of the blue he realises that one of his correspondants has called him 'Lovelace'. Loveday's mind is already weakened by being constantly exposed to pointless requests, inane ramblings and dumb suggestions, and this one unforgivable event pushes him over the edge.
The game would be a First Person Shooter, but instead of using guns Loveday would 'shoot' sarcastic words and phrases. The villains would wander around like mindless zombies and would be called arseaols. They would boast unprecedented levels of Artificial Unintelligence and would have 36 animations for being confused and embarrassed.
It would be mission based like for example 'Sirslush is thought be be in hiding hatching evil plans for RareWorld domination.' Another mission would see Kat being kidnapped by a mad criminal genius called Fleab for his own twisted and sinister purposes. For this mission you would play as Sean Williamson and would have to rescue Kat. This mission would be tricky, because Sean Williamson would be hard to control. He would move very slowly and when you try to shoot at something he would usually miss.
The final mission would see Mr Pants personally deliver the first copy of Perfect Dark To Dikran (ha ha) Moskofian and the other impatient people who wrote in to insult you. Mr Pants would take the shiny new cartridge and shove it right up their jacksie (told you).
This would clearly be a massive game for Rare, in fact, come to think of it, you should scrap Perfect Dark completely and concentrate on releasing Scribe 64 as the true and rightful successor to Goldeneye. I hope you'll agree.
Regards
Zen
It's funny, because when I read back over my responses it never sounds to me like I've been particularly sarcastic - until someone writes in to get all indignant over it. Which means I must be even more of a vicious swine than I'd thought. Wahay!
Anyway, rest assured that if I had any part in the commissioning of new game concepts, this one would be high on the list - for the fantastic-sounding S. Williamson level more than anything else.
A special word from the eavesdropping PD designer: "That is possibly the best idea for a game I've ever heard. The only omissions were the 'beta-requesters', and maybe the 'mad stalkers' as well."
Dear Scribes,
I was wandering around Tawfret a little earlier and found an amazing artifact in the castle ruins! I ran down a hallway lined with pillars and torches, and there it was! An ancient inscription on the back wall that bares the likeness of the beloved Mr. Pants! Did the past inhabitants of planet Tawfret worship him as a god? Or was it the Drones, bored of waiting for the Jet Force team to arrive, who drew the underdressed surveyor on the wall with a sharp stone? Or was it the captive Tribals, who saw Mr. Pants as their last hope for rescue?
Cliff Campbell
Dear Rare,
I am struggling to keep my composure long enough to type well with my excitement over discovering your little secret. I'm probably not the first to say (I never am) "Did you really think you could hide this from me? WELL? Did you think I wouldn't find MR. PANTS?!?!" My first reaction happened to be AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Then I thought, "Wow, I might be the first one to say something about this amazing discovery." Now you know that half the population of this planet will be thinking, "Why on earth is there a picture of a half-naked man on this game?" But I know, and you know, and YOU the reader know that it is the one and only MR. PANTS? And though I haven't seen Floyd say RAR yet, I am hoping that it was added at the last second...
Amanda Marie Schroeder, a.k.a Kablooie, evil twin of Kazooie
(Bwaa ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa!)
PS: Floyd looks like an arse with tail lights.
Ah, you two don't know the half of it. Such is the sweet innocence of youth... I know there are plenty of dedicated headhunters out there who've already discovered Mr. Pants' very own game mode, but I'll keep quiet for now so as not to spoil the impact of one of the single best throwaway game features of all time. And it doesn't matter that about 90% of people playing the game will be totally confused when they stumble across it, because everyone reading this will understand, and at the end of the day you can't beat a good old-fashioned stupid in-joke, eh?
Rare,
I have just seen the "HotNewz" promotional video from Nintendo, and I have just one thing to say.
Congratulations are in order for the man who brilliantly designed Donkey Kong's ass. It is so beautifully proportioned that it appears to have been molded by the hand of God himself. The supple shading and realistic animation have brought me to one conclusion- this is the finest ass in any videogame ever made.
Mike York
You're obviously quite well-versed in the anal intricacies of the animal kingdom, which makes your educated praise all the more valuable. So for now we'll tactfully put aside the fact that you're obviously really strange as we thank you from the heart of our collective high-polygon bottom. Er, cheers then.
Dear Scribes,
Hi. I've just started at uni, and all of the drinking and stuff - great, eh? Anyway, I've met someone downstairs from my flat who is just AMAZING at Goldeneye - he has every cheat, every level and every mode, using the two joypad method. Why is it in life that when you think you are good at something (00 Agent Control), you find someone better than you? Anyway, I beat him on multiplayer. Heh heh heh.
My questions are the following:-
1. Will PD have the two joypad player method?
2. Isn't the hands-and-face-through-door bug really funny in Goldeneye?
3. Will PD multiplayer have a Licence to Kill option under a different name? Pretty pretty please!
4. Will PD be as tough as Goldeneye (a good thing)?
5. Why is that Banjo-Kazooie looks and sounds nice, but that the levels are too small and it's much too easy? Please tell me that Banjo-Tooie, Conker 64 and DK64 will all be much bigger and harder (oo-er).
Thanks for your time - I worship Rare. Without Rareware.Com, the world would be a much worse place. Cheers.
ECIRG.
Delegate! Delegate! Where's that designer? Aha.
"1. Yes.
"2. That depends on who you are.
"3. Yes, possibly something like 'Killing License'. Or maybe not.
"4. Yes, arguably tougher. But at least twice as good."
If it's sheer size you're after, DK64's your man. Monkey. Thing. Jet Force is pretty hefty too, and I'd imagine B-T's going to be a considerably larger beast than its predecessor. So you size freaks are pretty well catered for all round...
Dear Scribes,
I have written you because of the fact that you said, (in an earlier Scribes,) that titles in italics, (like Arseblots 64,) could be titles that you are working on. Could is the key word here. I have noticed, that every time you post Banjo-Tooie, it's in italics. Why? You've announced to everyone that you are, in fact, making Banjo-Tooie. So why do you hiddenly insist that you only might be working on it? This has been nagging me for months now, but I've been too lazy to sit on my knackered arse and write about it to you. Also, I have another word that I think most of you people would enjoy. It's 'w*nker'. This would be a... uh... Well, if I say it, I probably won't get posted, so... Um... I won't say it. But Leigh, you can tell them, 'cause you won't get in trouble for it.
From a very mental child,
Wussupman2000
I think I probably would get in trouble, actually. As for the main point of your letter, Banjo-Tooie's clearly not in italics, look: Banjo-Tooie. Well, alright, it is in italics, but only because the rest of the paragraph is as well. But it's also bold, and has been since it was confirmed as a Rare game in production (or at least that's the theory - don't blame me if I've buggered it up in the past).
Dear Scribes,
Okay. I was fine and dandy, I came home, and logged onto Rarewhere. I saw that Donkey Kong 64 now had an official story! I ran around frantically for a few minutes, and sat down to read it. It's incredible. Finally, K. Rool gets revenge for the Kongs destroying Crocodile Isle twice! But wait! You've created a cast list for us! I read Donkey and Diddy's excerpts, drooling all over my keyboard. I get to Tiny.
Don't get her confused with big sister Dixie of DKC2 and 3 fame.
I just about vomited. How could you possibly conceive something so idiotic? Look: There is only one possibility for Tiny's species: Tamarin. Look at Tiny's eyes. They are separated. Dixie's eyes are connected. Tiny has very small ears, while Dixie has big ka-honker ears, trying to hide behind golden bead earrings. And finally, their size. Tiny is too small to be even considered as a monkey. Obviously, she has to be a smaller species, and a Tamarin would suit her quite nicely.
I read Lanky's little ditty, with no complaints. You even gave him four fingers like Mankey Kong in DKC, to prove the species stability.
But now, we're at Chunky. Oy.
Older brother to DKC3 co-star Kiddy...
Okay, there are so many things wrong with this, I don't know where to begin. Kiddy is a baboon. Chunky is not. Why? Chunky has four fingers. Kiddy has five. Same species do NOT have different numbers of digits! Might I suggest a Bonobo for Chunky's species? Obviously, it's the only one large enough, and still supporting his characteristics.
So you see, adding those relative thing-o's in the Cast List section was a big mistake on your part, Mr. Loveday, and I hope you correct it immediately.
Chad McCanna
Hey pal, I just work with the material I'm given, know what I'm sayin'? And I hope you're not really as slippy in the head as you sound and this entire letter is just one big irony-tastic jape (though I doubt even that would have done anything to brighten the ugly, dead-eyed stares I got from the entire DK64 team while attempting to present them with your 'concerns').
Dear Scribes,
Here are two observations.
1. "Rareware" can be typed using only the left hand. Heck, it only uses 4 keys. I find this quite amazing.
2. You might want to take the "PD Delay Announcement" off of "Currently Hot". Trust me, it's certainly not hot news, that is, when it was annouced people didn't say "Wow! PD delayed! This will mean a better game in the long run! Hurrah for Rare!". It was a little more like "(Censored)!!! Those (Censored) (Censored) Brits! I will (Censored) bomb the (Censored)(Censored)(Censored) UK and (Censored) kill that annoying Conker the (Censored) Squirrel! (Censored)!"
Hey, I'm all for the PD delay (better game) but the only thing hot about the news would be the temperature of the gaming population's blood as it quickly began to boil. The DK screenshot was "hot", the JFG revamp was "hot", this just makes people angry.
Godspeed.
Jesse Rimler
1. It's not that amazing when you take into account that three letters from the second half of the word are a direct repetition of three letters from the first half of the word. Sorry to be so brutally scientific about it.
2. It's 'hot' in the sense of 'new and of some interest', not necessarily 'really good'. Which is why I never bother including Scribes updates under the 'Currently Hot' tag, as I could probably get taken to court for trying to claim that Scribes was ever 'of some interest', let alone 'really good'.
Dear Scribes,
Jet Force Gemini. Honestly at first I didn't like this game, I trashed it. What a Sean Williamson I was, let me tell you. This game is an enthralling, immaculate piece of art. If you are reading this and you have any doubts about getting this game, don't think twice. Get it now, after about 2 hours the genius unfolds. Rare has done it again and this game without a doubt will sit beside your Goldeneye and Banjo-Kazooie and porno movies with prestige. Thank you Rare. Thank you thank you thank you. Quality first always, I can't believe I ever thought you'd let us down. I was feeling quite low when I picked up this game but it's filled me with absolute gameplaying joy. By the way are you the voice of the girl in the game, Leigh Lovelace?
StarScream
P.S. I can't wait for Honkey Kong64.
Stop it. I was approached to do voice samples for Mr. Pants, but I didn't feel that I was worthy of even attempting to fill the big man's shoes. If he had any. Which he hasn't, because then he'd be Mr. Shoes. Oh God, no - you can get rid of that Mr. Shoes 64 mock-up right now, okay?
Glad you liked Jet Force, anyway. It turned out pretty much as we'd hoped, so it's good to see the old trooper getting some positive word-of-mouth.
PS. Give us a chance to finish Wan- (No. - The Management)
Dear Scribes,
Perfect Dark delayed ... Conker undergoing radical redesign ... no details whatsoever on Banjo-Tooie ... countless letters devoted to Game Name Theorem.
A little deduction swiftly reveals the connection. Here is a brief description of the reworked titles:
Conker Instinct: Woodland creatures with evil red eyes and bulging muscles fight to the death in the AcornTech Finals. Watch for the highly touted emotional range of the character's faces, which can display rage, hatred, fury, wrath, and berserk psychosis.
Perfect Tooty: Shadowy intelligence agency sends their deadliest cartoon bear-child to thwart the plans of sinister aliens. Let's just hope she doesn't conform to the exaggerated ursine stereotypes so common to today's videogames.
Banjo-Kadarkie: Character team of slow-witted bear with femme-fatale spy in his knapsack makes for unprecedented gameplay. Carries an "M" rating due to the rear egg-firing graphics.
One shudders to think what will become of these names on the Japanese market. Longtime readers may remember that the Japanese name for Banjo-Kazooie is Super Rural Twanging Device with Vibration Flute. Other examples of Japanese names for Rare games include:
Killer Instinct: Murderous Knowledge from Within
Goldeneye: Adventures of the British Espionage-Men
Diddy Kong Racing: Super Super Monkey Driver!
Donkey Kong 64: Fantastic Ape Trek
Jet Force Gemini: Turbo Twinstar Saga Story Quest
Blast Corps: Blast Corps
Mr. Porto, better known in the Land of the Rising Sun as Porto-san
GoldenEye's designer notes that "it was actually called Calm Down, Mr. Brosnan, but he didn't appear to be listening." Meanwhile, as you probably know by now, Jet Force will be going under the moniker of Star Twins in Japan - bit close to the bone there, weren't you?
Dear Scribes,
Most of the things that you say are always correct, but I can't help saying: "Of course there are 4 members of the Blast Corps team, and Amber IS one", plus she does have really annoying lines, but I hardly think HDudeMan has even a slightly remote possibility of a feasible conspiracy on his hands, or whatever he cares to lay it on.
Also that Nhoj bloke was worrying me until you replied back. Complex is to me, and my 3 mates' most bestest, favouritest level ever, because it's the most interesting, has four (I think) illusionary walls and is just more... COMPLEX than any of the others.
Paul Morris
Sigh. I know there are four members of the Blast Corps team. I was doing this thing called 'lying' in order to perpetuate a comical misunderstanding. It obviously worked, then.
Dear Scribes,
So. JFG, huh?
Dave and Barry, huh? What did these guys do to get a racing game named after them?
Just one Mizar token a play, too, huh? Obviously, American influence hasn't hit Mizar's domain, where the games cost a whole dollar to play. Geez.
So, no cage dancers at the Big Bug Fun Club, either? Makes sense, given the fact that these guys are spawned and there is no, how shall I put this, mojo going on, eh baby? Eh? Wink wink? Nudge nudge?
Where was I?
Anyhoo, JFG's dead good. Insert "Oh, cheers." here. This is why I keep coming back to you guys. You can take a serious war, saving planets, killing gross bugs, and then you pull a funky dance club out of your arse, and kick the hilarity up several notches.
'Kay. That's all I had to say. So, just go on home now. Go on.
Scott Zdankiewicz
Oh, cheers. Who's Dave?
I'm sure we could have squeezed some nubile, gyrating Drone lasses into the Big Bug Fun Club if we'd really wanted to, but there was no sense in attracting more censorship than strictly necessary (I'm still bitter at having to tone down Diamond Geezer's authentic Cockney patter - "Sorry guv, I'll be needing a Lady Godiva before I can help you out" - and some of Fernando's more enthusiastic praise for the Specialist Magazine).
Dear Scribes,
Okay. I know that I (still) really am e-mailing you far too much, but I can't think of anyone else that this poem becomes even slightly relevant to. Yes, I was bored and so, having had the poem "The Green Eye of the Yellow God" running around in my head all night (cultural insommnia, such a pain) and having read one too many Scribes in one sitting, I had no choice but to combine the two to get the bloody thing out of my brain. So here it is. Sorry I couldn't think of a more original title.
--------------------------------
There's a secret Rare-built hideout to the north of Twycross Zoo,
There's an old, forgotten farmhouse near the town.
There's a bored, sarcastic Welshman who reads Scribes,
and does Tusk too,
And Kenneth Lobb forever gazes down.
He was known as SirSlush2 by the 'subs' at Khatmandu,
He was dafter than they felt inclined to tell,
But for all his foolish letters, he wanted to go one better,
Until Pipsy the mouse smiled on him as well.
She was nearly two-point-one, and plans had begun,
to celebrate her birthday with a ball,
He wrote to ask what present she would like from SirSlush2.
They met next day as he sat there in the park,
And jestingly she told him that nothing else would do
'cept for the beta of the new game, Perfect Dark.
The night before the dance, SirSlush2 seemed in a trance
They chafed him as he played with Pipsy's car.
But for once he failed to smile and he sat alone a while
Then went out into the dark beneath the stars.
He returned before the dawn, with his jeans and t-shirt torn,
A gash across his forehead dripping red.
He was sent to bed right away, and he slept throughout the day,
And a worried Pipsy sat beside his bed.
He awoke at last and asked, if they could send his PC through,
She brought it and he thanked her with a bark.
He bade her search the hard drive, saying 'that's from SirSlush2'
And she found the beta ROM of Perfect Dark.
She scolded SirSlush2, in the odd way that mice do,
Though both her eyes were strangely big and wet.
But she wouldn't take the ROM, and SirSlush2 was left struck dumb,
With the Rare game that he'd chanced his life to get.
When the ball was at its height, on that still and tropic night,
She thought of him, and hastened to his site.
As she crossed the Twycross square, she could hear the dreamy air
Of a waltz tune softly stealing through the night.
The door was opened wide, with silver moonlight shining through,
The place was wet and slippery where she trod.
An ugly knife lay buried in the head of SirSlush2,
T'was the vengeance of designer, D. Botwood.
There's a secret Rare-built hideout to the north of Twycross Zoo,
There's an old, forgotten farmhouse near the town.
There's a bored, sarcastic Welshman who reads Scribes,
and does Tusk too,
And Kenneth Lobb forever gazes down.
By Chris Allcock
(With apologies to J. Milton Hayes - and SirSlush2)
Still, as long as someone reads it and appreciates it before SirSlush2 tracks me down and butchers me horribly, I can die happy. Enjoy.
Regards,
Chris Allcock
P.S. Ooh, ohh! I knew I had a question, as well. If Nintendo have their own in-house testers, when it comes to testing a game, doesn't that mean that copies of the ROM are flitting backwards and forwards overseas? Surely that would take a long time, and be a bit risky in terms of security? Or do you fly the whole of the 'Super Mario Club' over to Birmingham Airport, pack 'em all in a minibus and smuggle them all into Twycross?
Very fine, sir. The amount of time and effort put into it is quite... disturbing. I'll refrain from posting the original for comparison just in case anyone gets arsey about it: there are plenty of other places to find it on the Web should any of you feel so inclined.
Now do one for The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock. Go on.
PS. Cybernetically-enhanced carrier pigeons, mate. Salt of the earth. Don't know where we'd be without 'em.
October X Snippets Special
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