Tuesday, March 21, 2000

Ask Uncle Tusk: March 21, 2000

Ask Uncle Tusk

We're sure that Uncle Tusk's widespread fan base will be pleased to see him back in action after an impromptu 'holiday' from the endless stream of idiot questions. Thanks to an anonymous tip-off, we finally found him curled up under a bush next to a railway line just outside London, still trying to sleep off the effects of his slightly excessive New Year celebrations, whatever they might have been (we don't dare ask). The big waster.

Anyway, he's back and as ready as he'll ever be to tackle your Rare gaming queries, so if you've got one of your own, let us know. He might even sort it out for you. But we're promising nothing.

March 21, 2000

Hey TuskMan,

I just want to let you know that Goldeneye is the BEST game I have ever played in my life (although Starsiege: Tribes on my computer is pretty close). The one and only thing I think would be awesome (and I'm hoping for in Perfect Dark) would to have an excellent multiplayer cooperative mode (maybe even 4 player cooperative). Is there going to be a multiplayer cooperative mode in this game? If there is, is it going to be 2 or 4 player or what? I think that virtually everyone who has played Goldeneye would love to have a GOOD multiplayer cooperative game (other than crappy Duke Nukem, heh heh). Also, it would be cool if the bodies stayed there instead of disappearing, but I'm not too concerned with that, just the cooperative mode. Please respond and thanks for your time.


Uncle Tusk replies: If only I could say it's good to be back. But no - because of your appalling failure to pay attention or bother to look around for the information you need, I'm not only going to have to drag the PD designer away from his work, but also come round your house to slam the fridge door on your head. I'm not selfish - I'm more than happy to share this storming great headache.

"I refer the right honourable lazy cheapskate to any recent preview of the game in online mags, paper mags, or even (gasp) another part of this very website, where he will find the information he needs. Or:

"Yes, 2 player, bodies stay a little longer. Go now. I feel tired and must rest."

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Sympathizing with PhReaKy D. MoNKeY and others like him, I should say that you get the Stabilizer from Jeff when you get all the Tribals, BUT (at least, if you haven't spoken to him yet) you have to talk to him twice. I talked to him with all the Tribals, and he said just what you said he said . This lead me to doubt my having found all the levels. But, smelling a rat, I talked to him again and he said "Oh thank you blah blah blah" or something to that effect and he gave me the Stabilizer. Now, if I can only find the Fuse...
- tk-421

Uncle Tusk replies:
That'd be it, then. Mind, if Mr. MoNKeY hasn't worked that out by himself since November, he needs more than a bit of sympathy. Perhaps a lobotomy would do the job.

I can smell a rat too, but that's because I got hungry on the way home and they give me terrible wind, those things.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I was going to play my JFG again so I could fight Mizar, but I pressed the "X" box and my game erased.

How do I get into the secret level, "outset"? I have read walkthroughs, but to no avail.

These weird flying things keep on shooting at me, and I quickly die.

And how do I talk to the green guy and the cockroach Koala? I think it happened once or twice, but I haven't been able to again.

Finally, how do I enter that big house?
Sean Milliamson

Uncle Tusk replies:
Nope, it's still not convincing. A better effort than last time - you implied difficulty with the first level and the most basic concepts of the game, which is good - but you forgot the all-important "by the way, I'm not crap" afterthought. Stick with it, though, you're getting better. Or worse. Whatever you prefer.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Well, by now the slew of mail piled up in your inbox about finding lost bananas must be crashing your hard drive into an unrecognizable shmoosh, but I though I'd add my plea to the list.

Here goes...

In Fungi Forest, something is supposed to be planted in the area next to the tomato garden, y'know in the bare soil. What and how? I'm guessing it's my last Tiny gold banana, because of the Mini Monkey barrel nearby.

Also, in Creepy Castle, I'm missing Chunky's last gold banana. I have the one from the crypt (smashing coffins), the one from the museum (punch shields, rock on switch, open skull), the one from the barn next to the greenhouse, and the one from Snide.

Help? Please?

Your faithful nephew,
Scott Zdankiewicz

Uncle Tusk replies:
Oh yes, there's no shortage of people demanding to know where they've missed one or two bananas on a level. Hilariously, of course, they don't seem to realise that I'd have to list them all just so they could pick out the ones they haven't found. Cretins.

But with a bit of mild DK64 team coercion, I think we might be able to help with your little problems. If you've already found Tiny's Golden Banana by killing all the Klaptraps in the tree stump/termite mound/whatever you want to call it, you should already have something to plant in the soil. If you haven't, well, get to work on that Tiny barrel and music pad sharpish, Remedial Boy.

As for the last Creepy Castle 'nana, ah, you're in luck - there's an invigorating bout of everyone's favourite subgame, Beaver Bother, waiting for you inside the 'Spooky Stump'. It says here.

To Uncle Tusk,

I must say, JFG is an absolutely BRILLIANT game. As soon as I finished Goldwood with Juno, I decided, "This is one outstanding game". I love it, one of the best. Congratulations on JFG! Bring on JFG2!

Now, some questions I need to know the answers to...

1) Floyd's tail-lights: I know when they flash red, enemies are nearby, but what does it mean when they flash blue??

2) What's the max ammo for each weapon??

3) Will you actually get something else other than the 3 cheats if you, a) collect heaps and HEAPS of Ant heads, b) collect heaps and HEAPS of Tribal heads?

An unlimited ammo cheat maybe? Invincibility?

Well, that's all I'll ask for, thanks!


Uncle Tusk replies:
Let's see if I can drag the designer in for a couple of semi-useful answers...

1) "It's gone dark."

2) "It depends what you pick up with each character. You can have up to 60 Homing Missiles as Juno by the time you reach Mizar."

3a) Nope. 3b) Nope. Wait a minute, though... nope.

My dearest Tuskie-poo,

No, Lupus isn't a Jinjo. (But, speaking of theories, I do think that Mr. Pants is Mumbo without his Mumbo-suit on; doesn't that make a lot more sense than Mumbo's being a Jinjo?) But Lupus fits pretty well into the JFG lesbian couple theory: I suppose it might be better if he were a cat, but then he'd have to spend his time lying around inertly or going off doing whatever he damn well pleases, and what kind of video game would that be? Having a cat be a controllable character wouldn't make sense: 'controllable cat' is an oxymoron.

So if you're going to have a sidekick, better make it be a dog. As long as it's a big dog, that fits quite well into the lesbian theme. If he were a fluffy toy poodle, that would be rather a problem, but he's not: he's big and strong and powerful and has guns, just the sort of dog that they'd want.

On a separate note, I can't express how much I love Chunky Kong. His triangle-playing makes me swoon. He can lift my boulders (or, should I say "get my rocks off"?) any day...

David Carlton

Uncle Tusk replies:
I think I'll just keep out of this one, thanks. Apart from making the brief point that while Mumbo being Mr. Pants dressed up (which would surely make him Mr. Suit) does sort of make more sense than Mumbo being a Jinjo, what makes even more sense is MUMBO BEING MUMBO AND JINJOS BEING JINJOS AND NEITHER OF THEM BEING EACH OTHER. Now shut up about it before I go crazy-ape psycho mental and give you all paper cuts.

Hey Tussk, it'ss been a while.

Roll, remember? Yeah, me!! I ssaw that render of you up on the ol' sscreen, and you've ssure ass hell changed! What'ss with the furry loincloth-boot get-up? Lasst time I ssaw you, you wass with that Orchid gal over on the beach, and, you musst've been drunk at the time, becausse you... and... her, without... well... and... you know (unlesss you were too drunk at the time to remember that you weren't wearing a freaking thing)! *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge* Anyway, I wass looking at your 3D render up there on your column, and you know, I really envy you. I wass talking with Zitz yessterday, (you remember, the green guy who sstuffed 8 50-pound tankss of gassoline down his throat, back in the good ol' dayss), and we wass discusssing how you is now a famouss Rareware sstar now. Buddy, you iss getting all the fame. You're 3D now... and I'm sstill in thiss damn 4-bit ssprite configuration... aw, ssure, I was the 3D of the moment, but then you and that DK character changed that for good. Not that I ain't forgiving you or anything, I mean, we iss sstill buddiess, right? You issn't too good for me now, right? Aw, hell, forget that.

Anyway... I've been hanging around your ssite for a bit now (don't give me that "Dignified Rare Employee" junk, I know you iss the bosss around here), and I've heard that you iss now married to Maya! Ssweet... I knew you had more than just a thing goin' with her... do you think maybe the 3 of us can go down to the local "gym" soon, and do a little "workout"? Eh? *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge* Hah! Jusst kidding with you... my dayss of that kind of sstuff have dulled down a bit, I guesss... me and Rattle are living in an apartment in Molokai... one of them damn Hawaiian placess. It'ss a great life... we jusst adopted Pipssy, and I couldn't assk for a better spousse than Rattle. And you? I bet you iss very happy with Maya at the moment, eh? : ) Doess sshe sstill do that dance? Yeah, I bet sshe doess the dance whenever you're coding thiss webssite, jusst to get your attention. Heh. Rattle and I ssaw that cat of yourss, Ssniffles a few weekss ago. Preciouss little devil. I bet Maya missess her... it'ss a fine cat... sssay, how much is that kitty really worth to the ol' girl? Eh? It'ss been a while ssince I did a ranssom job... get back to me on that value of that fluff. We can ssplit the profit, right? You alwayss were a good buddy. Tell Maya hi for me. Oh yeah, and if any of the old SSnake Rattle n' Roll sstafferss are sstill around, tell 'em thankss for all they did for me, and that me and Rattle wouldn't mind a new game... a GBC deal, maybe? Thankss, buddy. I'll try to vissit you later.

Uncle Tusk replies:
Hey, Roll. I bet Sniffles has changed a bit since you last saw the little devil, eh? Yeah, that's right, we got him a new flea collar... oh yeah, and there's the 200 feet thing and the extra limbs and stuff.

Maya's fine, she doesn't have much time to do 'the dance' any more because she's so busy helping that Combo loser with his training. She sends her regards, though. Her actual words were "I'll cut your tongue off next time I see you, and you can keep the damn cat."

I'm sure you'll get your big 3D break one day, old pal. Look forward to seeing you again then. I'd offer to put a good word in on your behalf for
KI3, but of course the problem there is that you'd be crap. Never mind, eh? Hawaii might not be Twycross, but it's still not a bad place to bide your time. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got morons waiting and they just have no respect for my delicate condition...

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Someone changed our Mario Party game to the German Language and we don't know how to get it back to English! Any advice or contacts who can help would be appreciated (The kids can't play it and it's school holidays).

Uncle Tusk replies:

Those zany Germans, eh? Yeah, I've got some advice as to who you should contact: Nintendo. The people responsible for publishing the game. If you're lucky they'll be able to get the relevant info from the people who actually developed the game, i.e. NOT US, YOU FESTERING DUNCE.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

When is the real Release Date for Banjo-Tootie? I've searched the web and found dozens of "Release Dates" for Tootie and Conker for that matter. We've been waiting for years to get access into the hidden areas in Banjo KaZooie, and you've made us WAIT for Tootie's release. OK that's BAD enough- but THEN, constantly CHANGING the RELEASE DATE- and putting it further and further back- we'll BE TOO OLD TO PLAY THE THING! GIVE us a break- and tell us when it's really gonna be out- or be decent, and tell us how to access the hidden areas. YOu know it's NOT fair to NOT tell us- and then keep moving back the release date, too! That's NOT FAIR! We don't mind buying your games- they're well made- and we really don't complain about the price- we just want you to treat us fair- and give us the answer - or sell us the game with the answer!


Uncle Tusk replies:
Is there something fundamentally wrong with your head? Our purposefully vague estimates for the release of Tooie (not
Tootie, you imbecile) have only ever changed once, from the "late '99" we offered early on in development to the more recent "mid(ish)-2000". That's what you'd call "constantly changing", is it? We've never committed ourselves to a specific release date on the game for this very reason - morons badgering us with the usual unintelligible rubbish about delays.

And what's this - "you've made us WAIT for
Tootie's release"? Yes, unfortunately there's this niggling little part of the process called 'game development', which generally takes a couple of years - try as we might, we still haven't been able to find a way around it. We all like to dream that anything in life can be made instantly available just by saying it, but most of us realise that at the end of the day there's a bit more to it than that. Obviously not you, though, you dribbling cretin. Now go away quickly - this twitching in my sword-hand's getting uncomfortable.

Hello Uncle Tusk,

I just have a quick question. Are there really any Rareware or N64 coins in Jet Force Gemini? If so where are they, because I have been looking for a long time and I'll be so crushed if there aren't!!

Uncle Tusk replies:
Prepare to be crushed. But it's your own fault for being unable to distinguish between hallucination and reality, you div. Nobody ever said there was a Rareware or N64 coin in JFG - unless it was just someone you know pulling your leg, in which case I suggest you take a brutal revenge involving mantraps and pointy sticks.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I was wondering if you could be a dear and ask the JFG team what they consider to be a level? I bought the game expecting 120 huge levels and when I beat it I could only count 30. What I consider to be a level is the parts of the game that are timed and require you to find Tribals. If you add the Floyd missions and races that adds a few levels, but, it's still nowhere near 120.

I was also wondering why there are no adjustable difficulty levels to be played, the game's reasonably simple and I wanted to boost the difficulty.

Uncle Tusk replies:
What, so now you're all bloody mathematicians, are you? Here's the designer to put an end to your anal mutterings.

"I have no idea where the mythical '120' levels came from. There are 10 main worlds and 5 sub-levels. These levels are created from 400+ smaller rooms. What you are referring to are the 'regions' which were used to break down the larger worlds into more manageable chunks.

"The difficulty level increases steadily throughout the game. You could always play it with the Pistol only."

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I've found a lot of people are annoyed with Donkey Kong. When I asked why, it was because of a single room. In Creepy Castle Tiny can use the Monkeyport in the ballroom to reach the museum. Behind the building where you race the car, there is a second monkeyport which takes you across the hall to a room with a pillar with a bright light on it. What is the point of this pillar? Is it the entrance to a lost world, or something you took out (like the island in Dam), or was it there for no reason. Please reply back as a lot of people are counting on you.

Uncle Tusk replies:
There was originally a very good reason for it to be there, but now there's not. Just like the 'tree stump' in Fungi Forest was originally riddled with termites, but now it's not. One of those things. Developmental fluctuations. Stuff like that. Still, feel free to give us a laugh by sending in details of the most ridiculous, pointless, anal theories you've had about how this pillar is used to reach the DK64 Lost World - best one wins a packet of Chewits.

Dear Uncle Tusk:

I'm sure you and all your regular readers remember Sean Williamson, who wrote in saying that he could not beat 4:13 in the Archives level of Goldeneye 007, but insisted that he was not crap at the game. Needless to say, his name immediately became synonymous with crap, but he was never seen or heard from since.

Well, I had a job at a video game store here in Texas over the holiday season. Some time just after New Years, a young man came in and bought a strategy guide for a Playstation game. At that store, where we deal with much previously-owned merchandise, we try to get peoples' names and phone numbers, and often their addresses, on every transaction. The name he gave me was Sean Williamson. I asked him how Sean was spelled, and he said that it was S-e-a-n. I mentioned that I thought I had heard his name somewhere; he said absolutely nothing, but paid and left. I didn't inquire further...

If this had been anywhere but a video game store, I might have passed it off as a coincidence. Neither of the names are uncommon. But someone of that age, buying a strategy guide for a game... it seemed like he was a typical "hard-core gamer" type, which makes it more likely that he would be the same type who would visit the Rare web page and even write in...

So, we have a possible sighting for Sean Williamson in the town of Pasadena, just outside the city of Houston, Texas. If anyone cares. I just thought you should know.

Shay Pierce

Uncle Tusk replies:
What a strangely heartwarming tale. If only he'd been buying a guide for GoldenEye, that would have been perfect. Ah, but why would he want to do something like that when he's not crap at GoldenEye in the first place? Silly me.

Anyway, keep us informed. Not that I wish to encourage other dimwits to write in with useless made-up stories of how they've just seen some bloke standing in the middle of a busy road wearing a big 'S. Williamson' sign around his neck and asking passers-by the best way to avoid being run over, or something.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I've been driven to the brink of insanity on this one, how does the Goldeneye team play Goldeneye, do they all like 1.1 Honey for their controller setting or something else? Do they go for stealth or just good old waltz up to the enemy and shoot 'em plan?

I've got to know! please help this Goldeneye crazed boy, if not for me do it for your country!

Ps. What the hell is the ratio setting? if you can tell me you'll truly be a god among men if you already aren't.

Uncle Tusk replies:
Of course I'll do it for you, in the sense that I'll do it to shut you up very quickly. Where's that designer?

"Personally, I play it however I want to. Sometimes a PP7 and a stealthy approach is all. Sometimes the elegant brutality of double grenade launchers is too seductive to resist.

"If the ratio setting you're talking about is the one I think you're talking about, it's to do with the starting health of the character, and serves as a crude yet effective handicapping system. Or it's the aspect ratio of the screen, if it's the other one you're talking about."

Dear good old unky Tusk,

Donkey Kong 64, what can I say? Absolutely brilliant game, if anyone is thinking about getting it, do. The one player is brilliant and the multiplayer will have you in stiches because it is really funny.

It is a really big game, which is good, with hard challenges along the way. I have got all the way to Hideout Helm, got about 150 bananas, all the blueprints but the absolute hardest thing on the whole game, is the original Donkey Kong, it is impossible, I keep getting to level 3, then dying, I have tried it millions of times but just can't manage it. Could you lend a helping hand (the one tied behind your back when fighting Sabrewulf would be fine) with a few tips for the original, please.

Thanks a bunch Mr. Tusk. ('Bunch' gettit, bunch-bananas-Donkey Kong! I crack myself up!)
Richard McCaig, your most devoted fan!

P.S. Do you have a surname and middle name?

Uncle Tusk replies:
I hope you mean the multiplayer's funny in a good way and not funny because it's crap, otherwise I'll have to stuff my boot down your throat.

Here's my hot tip for the original
DK: stop being so useless, you skill-free dumbed-down 90s ponce. I can't believe how much trouble some of you gibbons are having with such a simple game. All it takes is a few minutes of concentration and co-ordination, for God's sake.
P.S. Don't need one. How hard would I look if I was called, say, Richard Tusk?

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Hey I may just be a moron or something, but on JFG, Lupus can snipe with the sniper rifle. That is useful, but how does he look through the scope when the gun is on his back, how does he even pull the trigger!!!! Please tell me.
Merlin Bunn

Uncle Tusk replies:
I hope that's your real name, as it would attract just the sort of schoolyard kickings you so clearly require. But the official (and highly technical) explanation from the designer goes as follows: "His titanium testicles do the aiming and the firing." Bet you're glad you asked now.

Hey Uncle Tusk, what's with da' clothes?

Anyway, I just got DK64 on Saturday the 11th I think of December and I'm asking for some help. I'm in the Frantic Factory world and I can't seem to be able to defeat the boss, MadJack. All I ask is for some help (ie- Hints, Tips, How to beat him...)

Thanks a Bunch.

By the way, how the heck did you get the name, Mr. Tusk, anyway? It sounds really... stupid?

Uncle Tusk replies:
And 'FlameThrower30' is particularly inspired, is it? Maybe to an eight-year-old, pal.

The best tip we can give you for effectively hoofing our friend Mr. Jack to kingdom come involves the camera setup: zooming it out from the default setting gives you a much wider view of the battlefield and consequently a much better chance of survival. If you've already tried that and you still can't beat him, maybe you should just stick with the original
DK arcade game. What, you can't get anywhere with that either? Astonishing.

Dear Rare Magic Makers,

I am writing you, no, actually I am begging you to hear my request. It is about the blood content in Perfect Dark. I am not asking you to get rid of all of the gore but I would just like to ask if it is not too late for a realism switch (blood on/blood off) to be incorporated into your game. Me and my brother are huge fans of GoldenEye and we have been very patiently and happily following the development of what seems to be a "Perfect" game (no pun intended). The only problem is that my parents don't want us to buy a game that we can't play without blood splattering everywhere. I don't know how long changes in a game may take and I know that there are only two months left until the release. If nothing can be done, I was wondering if you could please send us a decent description of the blood and violence content in your game so that my family and I can decide whether I will be able to purchase this game. I respect any opposition to my request but I would like to let you know that there would be one more Perfect Dark purchase if anything is done. A response would be more than appreciated. Please keep making games that will continue to amaze the world!

Chris Mercurio

Uncle Tusk replies:
There's a simple solution to all this: "The game has an option for 'paintball mode' which changes the otherwise realistic blood splat and bullet hit effects into splashes of paint." But the fact remains that it's a Mature-rated game, making any other blood-reduction options basically redundant. You wuss.

Dear big-like guy Uncle Tusk dude,

Umm, I need to give you a quote:

"my right to ignore hallucinating idiots such as yourself who spend their lives nurturing furry animal political conspiracy theories. Hang on, you're not George Orwell, are you?"--Uncle Tusk (yes, you said that).

Now I need to ask you ONE question... what in the hallway is wrong with "Animal Farm"!? Infidel, you probably didn't even know his real name was Eric Blair; George Orwell was just his pen name, you arrogant fool!!! But then again, you're named after an elephant part, what would you know!?!?

Oh, yes, and by the way, EXCELLENT job with DK64!!! I LOVE the DK rap!

Now, back to the agenda at hand, you ignorant barbarian. I would love to see an "Animal Farm" video game... be the vicious Napoleon and strategically subdue the rest of the animals except for your fellow swine... or could you choose to play 'Le Resistance', a group of paranoid French chickens who have caught on to Napoleon's evil scheming plot... So, what do ya' think, Uncle Tusk, don't you think that would make a GREAT Rare game?
Michael Nicholas Broxterman
(P.S. How do I get a big, beefy body like yours?)
(P.S.S. Tell Mr. Pants I said "Hi" and that I enjoyed his appearance in Jet Force Gemini.)

Uncle Tusk replies:
Did I ever claim to know what George Orwell's real name was? Did you ever expect me to really, honestly give a toss?
Animal Farm may well have been a classic of literary allegory and all that, but the fact remains: it was a book about stupid talking animals, and nobody in their right mind could possibly hope to make a living out of... out of... er... next question.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Please do not throw this in your pile of crap mail, I need answers! My question is about Donkey Kong 64, I want to know how to get the Nintendo Coin. There are about four things I could try...

1) I could try to get all the bananas

2) I could try to get all the golden bananas

3) I could try to capture all of the banana fairies on film

4) I could also try to get all the blueprints.

Please respond to my desperate cries for help!

Your fan,

Peculiar Dan

Uncle Tusk replies:
You could do all those things, and please do because I'd find it most entertaining when the realisation dawned that none of them were working. What would give you a far greater chance of success is completing the original
DK arcade game, then going back and completing it again. Unless you're crap at it like everyone else brought up on these soft modern games. Up the Hardcore!

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I've received some distressing news that may or may not be true. I have been informed that the Co-Operative and Counter Operative modes have been REMOVED from Perfect Dark. For all of those who have received similar heartbreaking news, I think we deserve confirmation (or otherwise) and at least an explanation! Dear God, this is all too much for me...
PS I think the palpitations are starting!!! First face mapping, and now THIS!

Uncle Tusk replies:
You want us to provide an official explanation for something you've just made up? How about I kick your face off instead?

Yo Uncle Tusk!

Being from Croatia I couldn't have failed to notice that the JFG bear who gives you a spaceship part has a Croatish (have I spelled this right) name - Ivana. So what's the story? Has somebody from JFG team had an affair with a real girl Ivana from these parts? I can imagine a story full of love, passion, envy and abortion. Please answer this one I've got to know!
Ivan S. aka Gjuro007

Uncle Tusk replies:
Let's see what the designer has to say:

"Steady... The bear does share a name with Ms Ivana Trump, who is Czechoslovakian, but she was called that for a completely unrelated and puerile reason."

So no, it's got absolutely nothing to do with the name's country of origin. It's just a childish in-joke which wouldn't be funny to anyone else - in fact it's not even a very good in-joke, because you have to mispronounce the name for it to work. As if we'd let that bother us.

Dear Uncle Tusk:

I'm having a blast defeating all the bosses in Donkey Kong 64, but although I've annihilated the Creepy Castle boss, taken the key to K. Lumsy and watched K. Rool's mouth open, I can't find my way into it to enter Hideout Helm. How do I do it? I'd appreciate your help.

Also, in Crystal Caves, how do I break the igloo with the giant boulder inside it so I can lift it with Chunky Kong? And how do I get inside the igloo with Tiny's teleport pad inside it? And how do I enter the library in the Creepy Castle world?

Thanks for answering my questions, and long live Donkey Kong!
Edward Petty

Uncle Tusk replies:
Say hello to your dad Tom for me! Fantastic.

First bit of your question: Monkeyport in as Tiny from K. Rool Isle. Stop being crap.

Second part of your question: there's another boulder outside the igloo, near the ice castle. And a switch not far from that. See? Stop being crap.

Second bit of the second part of your question (nice layout): teleport in from the cave near Funky's hut that you can only reach by shrinking. And... stop being crap.

Third bit of the blah blah etc.: through the library door, genius. You have hit the switch around the corner, haven't you? You'd have to be earth-shakingly crap to - ah, I see.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Hi. I want you to update, so I thought I'd send you an email and you could make it that last one that you need to make an update. OK, I've thought up this really neat multi-player feature for Perfect Dark. You know how Player One always chose all of the settings? Well, you should have an option so that each game, the control of the arrow shifts to the next player. Yeah, and with co-operative mode, can you cruise through all of the levels with a friend or do you have to pass them on one-player first? By the way, regarding all the people that I would have shot with the face-mapping option, now I am going to go and shoot them all in real life.


Uncle Tusk replies:
Yes, well done. I'm sure those hysterical media types would really appreciate the irony. As for the variable multiplayer setups, we're way ahead of you, fella:

"There are a variety of choice lock options for multiplayer settings, such as last winner, last loser, etc. You can play through the story missions in co-operative mode without having to unlock them in single player."


I rented DK64 from Blockbuster and played the heck out of it. Now, I have some questions that I think it would be best to ask you since no one else on the net seems to be that much of a help.

1) What's the highest percentage you can get? I heard it was 101% but someone thinks there's a possibility of it being 102%.

2) Do you need to collect ALL of the bananas (the regular variety that can be fed to the hippo to open the boss door) to reach the maximum percentage?

2a) If not, does collecting all of them unlock something like, say, new multiplayer levels?

3) Is there a Lost World in the game? I mean, DKC 2 and 3 had them and I thought there might be one in this too.

Josh the Video Game Maniac

Uncle Tusk replies:
1) Someone does, do they? Maybe you should give Someone a sharp slap across the back of the head the next time they start spouting such groundless cack.

2) It's earning the medals that's important, not collecting every last banana, so 75/100 for each Kong on each level should do the job.

2a) Was it your old friend Someone who came up with this theory, by any chance?

3) If I'm to believe what my sources tell me, DK64's Lost World can be found "up your bottom".

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Hey, why did you ever stop the beta version of GoldenEye? Do you have any codes for the old KF7? If you could, do you allow people to barrow the beta version? I just just want to see how cool it is and plus I am 21 years old I am old enough to play that version since it is gory. That rating was 17+ for the age. So I just want to see what the old weapons look like & sound like. All I am asking for is just to barrow it for maybe a couple of weeks. I'll pay you if you let me barrow it!!!! I also want to see the citadel level. Just let me barrow it for a couple of weeks and I won't tell anybody I swear!!!

Uncle Tusk replies:

AOL veterans everywhere: you now have a new benchmark of stupidity to aspire to. Here's an important tip to help you avoid being nutted by your friends and colleagues on a day-to-day basis, son: don't ever say anything to anyone about anything unless you've gone and checked up on it first, because you're clearly the most gullible man alive. And your genuine belief that 'borrow' is spelt 'barrow' at the age of 21 is just too scary for words.

Right - I'm off for a nice quiet lie down in the shed with a big bucket of coffee. Disturb me and I'll brain you with it.

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