Thursday, March 30, 2000

Ask Uncle Tusk: March 30, 2000

Ask Uncle Tusk

We're sure that Uncle Tusk's widespread fan base will be pleased to see him back in action after an impromptu 'holiday' from the endless stream of idiot questions. Thanks to an anonymous tip-off, we finally found him curled up under a bush next to a railway line just outside London, still trying to sleep off the effects of his slightly excessive New Year celebrations, whatever they might have been (we don't dare ask). The big waster.

Anyway, he's back and as ready as he'll ever be to tackle your Rare gaming queries, so if you've got one of your own, let us know. He might even sort it out for you. But we're promising nothing.

March 30, 2000

Dear Tio Tusko ("Tio" is Spanish for "Uncle", I'm so clever),

1. What the hell are Chewits?

2. Since there's a cheat code that allows you to play as the Rare staff in Goldeneye, I was wondering if the Rare staff ever gets together and plays a nice game of deathmatch using their own characters.

3. I don't like this at all. I mean, you actually answered real questions in the last Uncle Tusk. Sure, that's what you're here for, but you didn't insult enough people. Oh, and the word "arse" wasn't used once! NOOooo!

4. Sean Williamson is crap. 4:13 on the Archives level? I finally beat all of 00 agent after 3 years, but even I had relatively little trouble getting 1:19 on the Archives. My question is... no, I don't have a question, I just wanted to say that he is crap.

5. Why is it that people whine that Rare games are too easy, and when you put in something challenging, like Mizar, they whine even more? I thought the original DK was difficult too... when I was 5 years old.

6. Do the Rare game designers enjoy playing their own games? I'd think that they would've played those games to death, but on the other hand, they're still great games.

7. YoU guys SUCK!!1 u delay games and SUCK!!!! i hope ninetndo fires u guys and u diE!S!---- Whoa, sorry, for a second there I reverted into one of those morons that I'm sure you recieve many e-mails from. I'd just like to say that I feel your pain Tusk, I find those people who complain about delays annoying too.


P.S. Did you notice that using "P.S." isn't funny anymore?
P.P.S. No, seriously, did you notice?

Uncle Tusk replies:
1. Quality sweets that cling to the roof of your mouth in a big sticky mass.

2. Can you get a 200-player deathmatch going in GoldenEye, then? Anyway, it's just the GE team plus a few others, not the entire Rare staff, and I think the novelty wore off for them a long time ago.

3. You're on the wrong page if it's a gratuitous arse fix you're after. And I was genuinely unaware of being more pleasant than usual last time around, so I'll try to make up for it right now by jabbing you in the small of the back with this gardening fork as I answer the rest of your questions.

4. That'd be a very good point if you weren't the 4,000th person to make it.

5. Because people in general are a bunch of tedious, moaning idiots, that's why.

6. By the time a game's finished, generally its designer is ready to puke violently if he ever sees it again. Of course they're proud of their work, but still, you try concentrating on the same game every day for two or more years...

7. I find everyone annoying. There's no point in discriminating. Now sod off before I break your face, you long-winded git.
PS Yes.


Hey Tusk,

JFG was absolutely amazing. Is there a plan for a JFG 2? Think about it. Mizar is dead, but there are still a lot of Drones left in the galaxy! Maybe Mizar has another important General who may take control of the Drones? Eh? Pleeeezeee? Make the game on Dolphin? And I am waiting for Blast Corps 2... guess there's gonna be no Blast Corps 2...


Uncle Tusk replies:
Good guess. No current plans for
JFG 2 - the team's hard at work on their new project, which means that if we do see another Jet Force game in future, it's unlikely to be an N64 offering. And it goes without saying that a plotline involving the rise of drunken, womanising degenerate General Alcor would be a definite forerunner.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

You asked for theories on Tiny's pillar in Creepy Castle. 1) Squiggly symbol on pillar means run around in circles. 2) Squiggly sign is same as the picture on Chunky's Door in a temple in Angry Aztec. 3) Squiggly symbol is the scroll of gameplay backwards. 4) Find an entrance from outside and drop through the roof. 5) use Chunky to carry the rock from the nearby room, then drop the rock so its reflection in the glass lands on the pillar. I hope I win the packet of Chewits, whatever they are.

Uncle Tusk replies:
Are those genuine suggestions? Even that last one about the reflection of the boulder? I can only hope that someone logged onto a newsgroup one night after three pints of neat vodka and made them all up for a laugh. Chewits Judgement will be reserved until we've had some more entries...

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Err let's see...

A rope ladder is dropped down for Tiny. She then climbs up up the ladder to a waiting helicopter, where she is then whisked off to Site B. Here she joins King Jeff and a couple of people who aren't important enough to have names cos they die later. They then meet up with some hunters who join with them cos they have to get off the island. Blah blah blah, just as it gets good with lots of killing and the like, Steven Speilberg comes along and sues Tiny. So she is forced to hand over all her hard earned Bananas, Coins, and so on. At which point she is kicked back to DK Isle, to find that Steven also won the deeds to DK Isle in the court settlement. So to round up the Kong family have to move and K. Rool doesn't want it any more cos it's now been turned into the set for Steven's next film, and the game ends, so there isn't really much point in finding the Lost World, as it only causes more problems than anything else.

How was that... do I win some Chewits now????

Uncle Tusk replies:
No. The conclusion that you shouldn't bother looking for the Lost World at all is a plus point, but I was really hoping for stupid scams that selected morons have actually fallen for, not stuff you've made up on the spot. Chewits are 20p from our vending machine, you know - I can't go handing them out to just anyone.

Oh, Uncle Tusk...

While I must commend you on the electronic masterpiece that is Goldeneye, there is one small omission that I must humbly, yet strenuously, request that you address in Perfect Dark. Simply: for the Love of John Woo, can you please include a "two-gun" option in the multi-player game? Obviously you gents are aware of the tremendous coolness of smiting your enemies Chow Yun Fat style, so why not include it in the deathmatches as well, even if it's just with pistols or similar small munitions? C'mon, you know it would fit right in there, between "pistols" and "automatics"...

Trevor Quachri

P.S. Oh, and how about some animation to rectify that whole "super-spy disconcertingly slides around on the floor when he moves while crouched" thing? You've got a whole 'nother 4 MEGs of memory to toy around with now... Why give all the good animations to the bad-guys?

Uncle Tusk replies:
With a name like that you could pass for a Jedi - well, except for the Trevor bit, of course.

PD Designer Boy duly responds: "Wait and see what we have done to multiplayer. I don't think you've got too much to worry about. And you seem to have misconstrued exactly what the 4MB RAM Pak actually does."

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I noticed you used "Div" as an insult (March 21 edition), what the hell does that mean? My surname is Dive, and I'm always being called "Div" as a nickname. I don't expect a reply on your Uncle Tusk page as that would probably take months, but could you please just email a reply? This is really p*ssing me off, I've never heard of anyone being called a "Div" before, and it's starting to scare me.

Thanks in advance,
Andrew Dive, Sydney, Australia

Uncle Tusk replies:
'Div' is your nickname? Really? Har har har. Maybe you should consider the possibility that it's nothing to do with your surname after all. Are you a bit stupid? That would certainly explain it. Div, idiot, thicko, spanner, it's all much the same thing...

Dear Uncle Tusk,

What's this I hear about Flamethrower30..., yes, who can't beat Mad Jack? I believe that I have found an easy way to avoid being squashed. Simply fall off the squares, and when Tiny rides the platform back up, just stay there until Mad Jack stops and the switches appear. There are only two drawbacks:

1: Mad Jack will fry you at close range... not a problem for someone with a name like Flamethrower.

2: You will stomp anyone who tries this cowardly method.

...Oh wait, this button says "SUBMIT YOUR CRY FOR HELP." [Arscribes note: well, there was one such link up at the top of every Ask Uncle Tusk, but I took out e-mail links because I didn’t want anyone e-mailing Rare out of confusion.] So I'd better come up with a wimpy question fast. Okay, here goes...

...About Enguarde's bonus arena. This Lap Bonus... going through the stars once is easy, but can I get it again in the same game? Doing two laps doesn't net me another bonus.

Or, more importantly, is there any similar reward in the Rambi Arena (other than the Combo X2 awards)?

Your harsh language, criticism, and complaints will be... appreciated.

Uh, right.

A Gamer In Desperate Need Of Less Spare Time

Uncle Tusk replies:

Actually I won't stomp anyone who uses that method, because it means they'll have one less reason to come whining to me about their own sickening incompetence.

You really didn't need to rack your brains for a crap question as well, you know. I wouldn't have minded. Anyway, you've basically answered it yourself... and I don't think there's anything else in the Rambi Arena either, so you may as well just stop rambling and bugger off.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I just want to say first of all that this is NOT about Tiny's Pillar! I know you have gotten a lot of mail about it and are probably getting a tad bit annoyed. With that in mind, here is my DK64 question:

What is the Chimpy Cam? It's on the Options menu, and there are 2 choices for it: Follow or Free. Both appear the same to me. What is it for?

Also, could this have something to do with camera views in like, Troff/Scoffs' room, the battle arenas, etc. where there is a fixed camera? Because on the back of the DK64 box it shows some great screenshots, but from impossible angles... like the Battle Arena, shown like the camera was on the arena, and the Gloomy Galleon boss, shown from the water (not above like in-game). Is there a way to get the camera into those neat positions? I'm just curious as to how you got those screenshots. Perhaps there is a code to put on a kind of "camera mode" where you can rotate the camera and zoom in and out? Or just a way to turn off the fixed camera in say, Troff and Scoff's Room, or any other place?

Thank you for your time, I hope to hear from you soon!
Keith Koshman

Uncle Tusk replies:
Tsk. Any fool can see that 'Chimpy Cam' is just a comedy monkey-related name for the in-game camera. The option was added to give you a bit more freedom with your choice of viewpoint: Free is the standard free-floating (duh) setting, while Follow gives the camera a little extra nudge to stick behind your character at all times. Neither choice affects the occasional fixed viewpoint like the ones you mentioned. As for the box shots taken from wacky angles, nope, don't even try to simulate them. They're the result of whole days near the end of the project spent trying to pin down the perfect screenshot...

Dear Uncle Tusk,

In Mizar's palace, the outside walls have braille (supposedly) on them. I decoded it to the message BICFHC and CHFCIB or in numbers is 293683 or 386392. Is there a point to this or is it nonsense? This is a dumb letter. Arse.

Uncle Tusk replies:
Arse, Bandit? Hang on, I'll ask.

"An opportunity lost. We were unaware of this. Look out for braille swearing in future Rare products."

Hello Uncle Tusk!

Ok I found every single thing in DK 64 except one and that's one stupid golden banana with Diddy on Gloomy Galleon and it's driving me crazy. It's the one where you have to enter the mechanical fish thing and destroy those three lights. I always run out of time. Is there a way to hit two lights at once I don't know I'm desperate so please help.

P.S. Excuse my English if anything is wrong with it I come from Croatia and I bet you can't guess where that is.

Uncle Tusk replies:
You don't need to hit two lights at once unless you're crap, and I mean seriously crap. I take it you do realise you have to hit them all three times? If you've just been hitting them all once then sitting there whimpering until your time runs out, that'd be really funny.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Okay I have two questions.

1) Why isn't there a "cast of the characters" on DK64. I mean there was on DKC, DKC2, and DKC3.

2) Can you tell me where all the bonus levels are on Orang-utang Gang on DKC1. If anyone thinks I'm a retard to ask this question you have NOT read Uncle Tusk from March 21, 2000. Oh, one more thing stop looking for the smallest mistakes in somebodys letter, that's what makes you "crap". If you do that to mine you are gay with King K. Rool.

Uncle Tusk replies:

You left out several commas, a couple of question marks and an apostrophe. Oh, hang on - the threat of being "gay with King K. Rool" terrifies me beyond belief and I take it all back. But I'm still not answering your questions, arseface.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Before we start, I thought it would be in with both the festive spirit and upping my chances of web-publication if I wrote a poem, specially and indeed specifically for you:

Dear Uncle Tusk,
I love you
I love you
your stupid head casts shadows
on life's blades of grass
(quietly and inwardly outwardly submersive)
quite the opposite of irony
You dedicate your life to polyphony...
...and the provokation of bad gardening skills.
Why must we be left in the dark?
Why do you make games so tenter hook ductile-tape inducing?
Will you always daisy-chain our emotions in a convoluted scream for mercy?
Will you always shed your bitter tears, drenching every module of code in respite, every convex polygon in a sense of well-being?
But could you just do it a little more often, please?

Actually, it's more of a prose.

Anyway, here's my big question:
Mr. Ender Rentrogator

Uncle Tusk replies:

No, sorry. Abysmal poetry or idiot questions, one or the other - you can't honestly expect to get away with both.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I scored 5,000 points on the Jetpac game, but Cranky still refused to give me the Rareware coin. Do you have to have beaten the original Donkey Kong game first? (I think my game maybe a bit messed up, though; I scored exactly 5,175 points, which should be my high score, but the game says that my highest score is an unbelievable 675,000!)


Uncle Tusk replies:
Haven't we done this before? Cranky doesn't give you the Rareware coin: it's activated as a pick-up within Jetpac once you've cleared the 5000-point barrier, so don't expect it to drop down immediately every time. 675,000 "unbelievable"? Ah, you innocent young Jetpac virgins...

Dear Uncle,

I have a proposal that may be mutually beneficial. It seems as if most of the half-witted critters who submit to you their incomprehensible ramblings of "inquery" (I use the term loosely) (Just as well, because it's not a real word. - Tusk) also populate my dormitory and stumble around its hallways in a drunken stupor while shouting salutations of endearment to their bedfellows and quite inconsiderately listening to poorly sampled selections of rap "music" (again, using the term loosely) at ground-shaking volumes through all hours of the night. Worse yet, those who are supposed to exercise any amount of authority only encourage the highly intoxicated festivities by either ignoring it altogether or participating in or hosting a few of their own. Meanwhile, this university continues to boast to the unsuspecting public of an alchohol-free campus. Therefore, to reduce the amount of idiots we both have to deal with on a daily basis and to expose this university for what it is, any amount of brain bashing and skull smashing around here would be greatly appreciated. And trust me, after the quantity of liquid poison these rats have consumed, there cannot be any great deal of brain cells left to dirty that finely crafted tool of metallic justice you wield. Perhaps you could even teach me a thing or two of the trade. After all, this is an institution of higher education (at least it's supposed to be).

Pleasant holidays,
Nephew Jeremy

Uncle Tusk replies:
You want me to come round and beat up some
students? Excuse me? I've got more pressing things to do with my time - like picking fleas out of my loincloth.

Anyway, this bunch are only doing what students are supposed to do. In fact they sound pretty reserved by student standards. You should have seen what it was like back at Headmasher's Academy for the Promisingly Vicious...

Dear Tusk-o-ramma,

I need you to help me out big time. I have completed Jet Force Gemini and I have found everything... Or so I thought. My problem is this. In the multiplayer menu in the lower right hand corner above the start button is cut off from me. I can't get it and I don't know how to activate it. I have the racing mode, the target mode and obviously the regular deathmatch mode. How do I open up this oh so mysterious part of the multiplayer game? Please Tusk I need your assistance. A thousand thank you's in advance.

Uncle Tusk replies:
It's so simple with the benefit of hindsight, isn't it? Though common sense often helps as well. Here's your answer: "The cross means it is not used."

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Two quick (and grammatically correct) ones for you, Tusk: Is the line Bond says in Bunker 2, GoldenEye ("I have a cunning plan") a reference to smelly serf Baldrick from top-class TV series Blackadder? Hmm? HMM?

The biggie's a follow up to my rather-ridiculous-but-nevertheless-interesting JFG weapons crate theory. Obviously, a non-reply is altogether obvious, but here goes anyway; my Banjo Tooie theory.

The secrets unlockable until Banjo Tooie arrives to satisfy our egg-gathering needs are, in fact a series of challenges running up to a big end prize. For instance, it appears that the player starts with the raising of Sharkbait Island - I'm not going to speculate how, don't worry - and nabs the first egg. This in turn gives something that allows access to the ice-key in Wozza's Cave, like a blowtorch or chizzel (yeah, laugh, go on). From here on the player must run, ice-key in tow, to the doors in Gobi's Desert before the ice-key melts; it's a time challenge. Finally, the opening of the coffin within gives access to the doors in Grunty's Lair, rewarding the player with the prize sure to both surprise and please in equal proportions.

Well, how close was I? If not for accuracy, you have to appreciate the sheer imagination put in. Go, on, give me a pointer Mr Banjo-Tooie designer.

Disclaimer: this is a rumour. It is speculation, don't believe everything you read, blah-de-blah-de-blah.
Richard Broderick, Essex

Uncle Tusk replies:
Imagination? All you did was list the locations popularly held as 'secret' in a particular order. That rubbish about the boulder's reflection in DK64 was much more entertaining.

I wouldn't bother with the disclaimer, either. I'll just forward the resultant deluge of excitable idiot mail directly to you.

Blackadder? Probably, if JB didn't say that in the film...

THE MAN they call Uncle Tusk (cool garments),

Good evening/morning/night dear sir, sorry to disturb you from nap in your shed, care for a cup of coffee? - no I'm getting side tracked, my questions are as follows (well what else would they be, der):

1) As I'm obsessed with carnage of a high degree, (possibly much like yourself and other gamers) I wouldn't mind the full list of weapons in your up coming, grey-station bashing, game: Perfect Dark. The list of weapons which I find on other petty web sites (your web site also, I'm afraid, lacks the specifications which I would like) are a load of rubbish, they need to learn from the big guys at Rareware.

2) Also, could u tell me why the Three Little Pigs kept on saying "Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin" what the HELL are they on about, or even on - LSD maybe?

So Uncle Tusky, sir, I'm reeeeeally looking forward to your new game (there are lots, but I'm on about 'Perfect Dark') - and as everyone says (and you must get pretty p*ssed off about it): Keep up the good work >:)
Shpongler - and no it's not my name!
P.S. Pleaze answer these questions, I'm just a small boy who knows nothing, Pleeeeeze?

Uncle Tusk replies:
1) We haven't dished out the full list of weapons for a very good reason: spoilers. Same goes for the cast list. There's no point going around blabbing about characters and weapons that crop up later in the game and spoiling the plot for everyone before they've even played it.

2) Excuse me? Do I
look like I've just stepped out of a fairy tale? Oi - zip it.

Sup, Tusk.

K, I hope you're not offended by whut I am 'bout to type. I am a God-awful master @ KI and KI Gold. Since KI came out, when I was still in grade school, I was whoopin' high school students and college students left, right, and centre in the arcades, and made qwite a few older friends... and... erhm... enemies. Then I got the home SNES version, and whooped ma friends in the comfort of my own abode. When KI 2 and KI Gold came out I was in my glory, and nothing changed... things were more complete.

Now... It's been years since KI Gold was released. I still love it nonetheless, but there is nothing more for me to learn. I need a bloody sequel (pun intended)! KI3 or somethin'! I submitted an idea for KI Legacy for a Nintendo Power contest a couple years ago, but no one heard my cry then.

I was hoping that you, in your unmeasurable charm and persuasive manner, could swoon someone at Rare t'wards makin' some kind ov sequel. It's inevitable in my world.

Also, so you know, I've been stickin' up for you since your existence. When my pals said that Tusk was a no good drooling barbarian, I took control, and thot like you think and whooped 'em good wit your very own Conquerer and Pillar of Flames, and scarfed 'em down wit a big ol' Riptor midnight snack. So I think you owe this one to me, to @ least try... Pweeeease?

From one sensitive young man to another,
Dalaphizar *~:)

Uncle Tusk replies:
Here we go again. For a start, any debts you may try to claim against me (and indeed anyone else you write to) are immediately cancelled by these dismal and entirely punchworthy attempts at 'kewl' grammar. So that's that out of the way. As for
KI3, I think I might have to start lying through my teeth and telling you people that it's coming along nicely, all set to be the ultimate arcade beat-'em-up etc. just to keep you quiet and spare myself the pain of having to answer the same damn question every time. Even if we did have a new KI in the works, don't you think we'd cook up a full-scale dramatic announcement for the front page rather than just mentioning it to a handful of illiterate tramps somewhere in the bowels of this column and leaving it at that? Eh? Or what?

Hi Uncle Tusk!

I have recently finished your brilliant DK64 (in 43:30 I might add, well under the average completion time) and was just wondering what the hell the crowns do. Cranky says he has "forgotten" and I can't find what they do anywhere. I wouldn't mind so much except it took me ages to find them all. Please help!!
Peter Renshaw
P.S. Sorry to brag but I'm really proud of myself at the moment!

Uncle Tusk replies:

Beating one battle arena and getting your first crown opens up that multiplayer option. You'll need four crowns to get your hands on the final K. Lumsy key, and if you're angling for 101% then you'll need every last crown, along with all the other stuff. How's that? Comprehensive or what? Yeah, I just nicked it from the design notes in front of me.

Dear Avuncular Elephant Tooth:

Will you please motion Down-Back Down Down-Toward Back + FK, then MK, followed by Down Down-Toward Toward Back + FP, then another MK, Down-Toward Down Down-Back Toward + FK, plus Down Down-Back Back Down-Back Down Down-Toward Toward + FP and finish with Down-Back Down Down-Toward + FK?

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Wow! 23 hits! 61% damage, too! I'll ask you for another one when I find my teeth...
Fasil Bawlty

Uncle Tusk replies:
Always a pleasure, never a chore.

Yo, Uncle Tusk,

I love the game Jet Force Gemini. However, I've got a problem with it. It's not a problem with the game, it's just something I don't know how to do. Is it possible to go into a level with someone besides the default character for that level? Judging by the screenshots, I would say yeah, but that still doesn't tell me how to do this task that will probably make me feel like an idiot for not knowing.

Hope I get a reply,

Alucard (that's Dracula spelled backwards)

Uncle Tusk replies:
You don't say. So wouldn't it be more appropriate for you to be called 'Ressot'? Obviously you haven't even gotten all three characters to Mizar's Palace and given him his first proper kicking yet, because as any old gimp knows, from that point on you can drag any of the team members wherever you like.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I recently completed the task of beating all of the boards on the Platinum level. I know that I have beaten them all because I received the 30th, and final promotion. My question is about the display at the bottom, the game shows that 57 platinums have been collected, but that there are still 21 golds to be beaten on the platinum level. I am wondering why this is, and whether or not it is a defect. Thank you...
P.S. I was wondering how many people have beaten the entire game on platinum.
P.P.S. I would also like to be reimbursed for the numerous controllers destroyed in the frustrating quest for platinums... jk.

Uncle Tusk replies:
You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! Because the truth is, none of us can remember.

Why are you so concerned about it, anyway? You've obviously picked up all the Golds previously to be able to reach the Platinum levels at all. Forget about it, man. Leave it all behind you. Go and have a nice sit down in a darkened room for a couple of hours.
P.S. The designer says: "Very, very few. A monumental task."
P.P.S. The designer also says: "Yeah, but at least the ending was worth it..."

Hello Uncle Tusk!

I have just finished DK64 with 101%. Great, I know. What baffles me more is the ending. You know, the dolphin picture. Leaves me a question: What Dolphin games do you have in development. I don't mean toys for we-are-cute-and-so-intelligent-but-can't-escape-a-tuna-net sea mammals (I love tuna, just in case you want to know). What I mean are games for Nintendo's forthcoming state-of-the-art-next-gen-console. You just can't imagine how badly I need it... the info... something else too, but I won't bother you with that one. Actually, I don't just ask you, I beg you for some info. And if I don't get what I beg for I'm gonna go REAL mad. I might end up shoving all my Rare games up Helmut Kohl's rectum and blaming YOU for it. He'll go mad too, considering the fact that half a dozen cartridges in the arse is no fun. He'll get you and eat you with some Kraut for breakfast. Got the point? So you better tell me the truth. ASAP!!!
Fabian Anklam
P.S You guessed right, I'm from Germany. Try to say "Fischstäbchen" and don't forget to pronounce the Umlaut correctly.

Uncle Tusk replies:
He's got a name like Helmut, and you're aiming your obscene references at his rectum? Talk about a missed opportunity.

Apparently, the whole 'Dolphin auditions' thing was the result of one of the team members "going off on one", which is another way of saying that nobody here really understands it either and you'll never get a satisfactory answer out of any of us so you may as well forget about it, you snail-eating fool. No, hang on, that's not right.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Having spent about 70 hours wading through DK64, although I have the Rare coin form completing the Jetpac game, It would seem I have come to a dead end as I cannot locate the lever to switch the original DK arcade machine on... and consequently can't finish the sodding thing off! Advice please???? I have spent hours trying to locate this and it is not fun...!!

Uncle Tusk replies:
You can't find the lever? What, seriously? You can't find the lever that's sitting right in front of the
DK machine? The only possible excuse for not seeing this lever is being a bit slow and failing to do the Barrel Blast in the Frantic Factory level which makes the damn lever appear, and that's not much of an excuse anyway unless your mysteriously absent surname is 'Williamson'.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Having foolishly promised not to buy another Nintendo game throughout the whole of Lent, I am devoting most of my attention to fighting Mizar in JFG. That is, I am fighting Mizar "The Bad-Ass Melon-Farmer With Purple Laser Eyes and Spaghetti Laser Fingertips" at the Asteroid, not Mizar "I am a Wuss, I am a Wussier Wuss, and I am a Wussiest of Wussies and I'll Hide Behind My Claws Because There's a Nasty Dog Fighting Me" at the Palace.

However, and you have probably heard this one before, I can't.

The target area is (I believe) the jetpack on his back - very small and fiendishly difficult to hit when he's flying off into the distance. I also gather that you've decided for some reason to give him about five attacks (Claw Smash, Ice Breath, Laser Eyes, Summon Asteroids, and Claw Laser), four of which are pants and do piddling damage, and the last of which does huge amounts of damage.


Did you think up of too many animation ideas and not enough damage/physics ideas? Never mind - it's not important.

What is important is how Mizar can be beaten. So how do your playtesters go about knocking the final nail into his coffin lid? The game's camera view means that I often have to guess when to jump over the laser beam weapon that does a ridiculous amount of damage. Also it means that I can't get the same degree of accuracy on aiming that I could in Goldeneye, so the rocket pack is very hard to hit.

Spill the beans! And then tell me how to beat Mizar.
Hu Man Bing

Uncle Tusk replies:
"Oh yes," says the designer. "I can't believe we forgot to make a weapon that homes in on a selected target."

Do you see, 'Bing'? Oh, of course, everyone's to blame but yourself. Including our testers, apparently, who are responsible for the camera views which make the final battle utterly impossible to win. They didn't think anyone would notice. And the rocket pack's
supposed to be hard to hit - if we'd made it as big as Mizar himself, he'd officially be the Crappest Boss Ever. But hey! At least old Bing would be happy, eh?

On a similar note, we'll have less of your whinging about Mizar being a wuss at the Palace too, because if we'd made him hard as nails at that point then all you soft ponces would have given up in tears and only ever seen about half the damn game. Hrrmph.

Dear my sweet little cutie-pie Uncle Tusk,

Will the aliens from PD be from the planet Arse? I know it seems scary that my arse has used simple logic to get on the arse of some of your big games' big-arse secrets. I know all your secrets. For example after meditating for years with the arse masters in a secret-arse arse facility directly under Rare HQ, I have perfected the art of arse-bolts where I shoot flaming arse-biscuits out of my arse to reduce lesser arses to arse-particles. I know you and all of Rare's drones can do this too, and my arse senses that a final, video-game quality duel of the arses is to come. The destiny of the arse awaits! Don't shoot 'til you see the whites of their arse. Don't be afraid... ARSE! You jumped! Your arse is unworthy! Go hide with your radioactive-arse kitty and ugly-arse wife. Thank-you for your time.

With death threats directed at your arse,
The Monolithic King of the Arse ( that's right AOL! Hahahahah!)

Uncle Tusk replies:
It goes without saying that the only reason this got printed was "Don't shoot 'til you see the whites of their arse." Hang on, where's Maya off to with that rusty corkscrew?

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Could you help me with the following please.

1. Where do I find the Nude and Rare Team Cheats for Bond?

2. Could you ask the Bond Team what they had to study to become programmers?

3. Could you ask the PD Team if they can make the arms of the people round instead of squared?

4. Also could you ask the PD Team to set up an "Invincibility Cheat" to do on the controller and make it top secret but share it with me.

5. How does one apply for a position as a programmer at Rare, as I would love to be a Rare Programmer when I get older. I am 13 years old now.

6. Would anyone at Rare be able to teach me over the Net how to program.

Thanks for your help.
Daryl Sutton

PS. The only games I play are made by Rare. Rare are the Best. I hope you guys don't start making games for "Play with your self Stations" or "Gay Station". Choice is yours.

Uncle Tusk replies:
I shall certainly take great pleasure in passing this string of intelligent questions on to our mutual PD designer friend. (Chortle.)

"1) In two different places: The team chrs are available by activating the 'team characters' cheat with the appropriate joypad input (see previous Uncle Tusk). The Nude cheat is available in your head.

"2) It tends to be 'programming'. Or 'Computer Science'.

"3) Yes, and then the single enemy you had on screen at one time would be really lovely.

"4) Only a 13-year-old would ask that question. And the one about a Nude cheat.

"5) I rest my case."
(See that section called Rare Affairs? See that page called Recruitment? Yes. Exactly. - Tusk)

"6) No. The best place to learn is in School and/or University.
"PS I happily use other games consoles because the world is a large and wonderful place full of infinite variety, and I want my mind to be similar."

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I have a few questions. 1: When do you think Tooie is gonna come out? 2: Will you be able to turn into Diddy Kong? 3: Is every level going to have a boss? 4: Are the rumors that there's a secret in MMM true, or is that just BS? 5: Do you think that Leo DeCaprio should get hit with a piece of raw steak? (I do.) And last, but not least 6: What kinds of moves will Mumbo Jumbo know? Shaman Slam? Mumbo Master Magic? Jinjo Jumbo? Thanks.
Darrin DeVito

Uncle Tusk replies:
Say hello to your dad Danny for me! I'm just too funny.

1) Probably when we last said it would. 2) Shut up, you appalling fool. 3) Yes, as far as I know. 4) Do you think you could possibly give me any less to work with? 5) Keep your twisted celebrity fantasies to yourself. 6) I've no idea, and thanks to general aggravation brought on by the rest of your barrel-scraping questions, I've no intention of finding out. Learn from this.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Mickey's Racing Adventure - can you help please?

My son is experiencing a problem when he enters a race i.e. the screen is fine until the race begins and the colours all start flashing as he drives around. Currently this only seems to occur within the currently biggest (most complete) saved game.

Starting a new game slot as yet does not have the problem, but I worried in case he redoes everything only to encounter the problem again.

Having copied the saved game to a spare slot does have the same problem. It is a new Game Boy Colour and Mickey's Racing Adventure. I have replaced the batteries but the problem persists.

David Harrhy

Uncle Tusk replies:
At first I suspected you were merely being stupid like so many of my patrons, but consultation with the Game Boy lads has turned up the shocking possibility that there may actually be some substance to your problem:

"You seem to have activated a cheat from the post office (Disco Mode). Just return to the post office and turn it off."

Come to think of it, though, you'd have to be a tad slow to select something called 'Disco Mode' and then wonder what was going on when the screen started flashing.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I've had Donkey Kong 64 for about two weeks and I need to know: how do you get out of DK's treehouse?

Sean Pilliamson

Uncle Tusk replies:
Stop it.

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